The Dogghouse!

Too long

2012-01-17T22:21:00.001-08:00

It's been a very long time since I have posted and I have missed it! We have had so much going on I don't even know where to start but the bottom line is that lately we have been doing well. We are still dealing with health issues but it has slowed down so much and we have had time to breathe. Things seemed to turn around after Christmas, what a wonderful present for our little family. Claire has started activity days with our ward and loves it! Ivan is doing very well in school and is reading like crazy! Nora has turned back into her happy little self that we have missed since the move home. Even her preschool teacher has commented on it, she says her eyes look brighter. We have prayed so hard for this! We have been really worried about her. Naomi is talking up a storm and is quite happy with herself a of the time. Matt has a biopsy next week but other than that he has been doing well. His oxygen levels are good even without the oxygen and we are hoping that they will take him off of it soon. I have been fighting with my fibromyalgia but am doing well. I am so grateful to have this downtime with my family. I am so thankful for this time.

Biopsy Fiasco

2011-12-09T20:09:00.001-08:00

Today was a very trying day. I did not sleep much last night in anticipation of today's biopsy so this morning I was very tired and scared. We ran a few errands this morning and then dropped Nora and Naomi at a friends house and headed off to the doctor. They took us back to a room and dressed me in a very stylish paper smock and left us there so I could get nice and cold. They moved us to a procedure room and got ready to do the biopsy. The ultrasound tech started looking for the lump and could not find it. They tried for less than 5 minutes and told me that they would have to reschedule me in radiology at the hospital another day. I just started to cry. I told the surgeon that I wanted him to try to get me in today and although he wasn't happy about it he made the call. Radiology agreed and so off we went to the hospital where they found the lump almost immediately. They checked the other armpit and SURPRISE there were two more lumps there that looked suspicious. The biggest lump or lymph node in the left armpit had blood vessels surrounding it and so the radiologist did not want to biopsy it. He was afraid to nick a vessel. Not to mention his shift was over and he wanted to go home. He was not any nicer today than he was a week ago. We "debated" over his plan of action which was send me home and deal with it next week. I fought back. After an hour and 4 different calls to the surgeon they got him over there to do the biopsy's. So finally 4 hours after my scheduled appointment the biopsy's were done. The radiologist just kept saying if it's cancer, a week won't make a difference. I was beyond myself and could not stop crying. It wasn't until I told him I felt like I was being given the run around and I had no say in my own care and it was my body that he pulled his head out. I couldn't believe I was having to fight for a procedure that was already scheduled! I won't lie, it hurt and I sang hymns in my mind the whole time to distract myself. Now we will wait until next Thursday or Friday for the results. Needless to say they made a bad situation worse and I will be finding another surgeon. I am home now and pretty sore but glad to have it over.

Claire's 8th birthday: pause music player before opening slide show

2011-12-07T13:36:00.001-08:00

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Claire's Baptizm: pause player before viewing smilebox

2011-12-07T13:08:00.001-08:00

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Update

2011-12-01T21:17:00.001-08:00

Well today I had my first ever mammogram. NOT FUN! I did find it funny that they put a chocolate on the folded gown! It was even dark chocolate :)
They found only one lump in my right breast which they confirmed with ultrasound. During the ultrasound they also found an abnormal lymph node in my left armpit.
The hospital sent the results to my primary care doctor and told me that I need to see a surgeon. They said that the lump was very small and that we could just leave it and take the lymph node. Then in a while they would do a followup ultrasound and see if it has grown.
I was not too thrilled with leaving the lump alone to get bigger and neither was my primary care doctor. She called this evening after she had seen the scans and said that they did not look good and that both the lump and the lymph node need to be removed as soon as possible. So tomorrow I call the surgeon and get the ball rolling faster.

Worried Ramblings

2011-11-29T22:00:00.001-08:00

GeoTagged, [N40.55502, E112.27974]

So yesterday's doctor appointment still has me sort of spinning. I'm trying not to worry about the mammogram on Thursday but because things don't tend to go well for us medically I'm worried. at least we'll know. I have been so emotionally exhausted for so long that I worry that if it is cancer that I won't be strong enough to fight it. I just keep telling myself that it will be fine. I also have an infection in my uterus and it is not the most comfortable thing in the world. I think I just got run down with everything we've been through. I just know that if I am sick we have to make some changes if I'm going to get better. I've had a million things running through my head and they all revolve around "if I'm sick" but I will tell you one thing, if I'm not sick, if I don't have cancer we are having a party!

Lumps

2011-11-28T22:08:00.001-08:00

So I went to the doctor today. I was supposed to have a mammogram before i went because I've had a lump in my armpit but the insurance has been taking it's sweet time. I had one scheduled for December 21. She felt the lump in my armpit and said it was just an infected hair folical. Then she did a physical and found lumps in both of my breasts. They rescheduled the mammogram for this Thursday and changed it from a routine scan to a diagnostic mammogram. She said she could feel cysts as well. This is scary because breast cancer runs in my family. We should find out on Thursday what the diagnosis is. They said they can read them right there. So I'm trying not to freak out! Needless to say a lot of tears have been shed today.

2011-11-28T22:05:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving

2011-11-26T22:49:00.001-08:00

It has been a crazy week for us but full of family and friends and fun! We started out the week preparing for the wedding of my best friend. It was beautiful and it was a good reminder for Matt and I to just love each other!
On Thanksgiving we spent several hours with my family! We haven't had a holiday with them in three years. I wish my brother Adam and his family and my parents could have been there, it has been so many years since we have all been together. Afterward we came home and spent time with Matt's brothers and our sister in law and our new baby nephew Axel! He's awesome! It didn't feel like thanksgiving and we're not sure why. I guess our daily craziness needs to slow down a little so that we can enjoy the holidays!
This next week Claire turns 8 years old and gets baptized! We are so excited for her! Good things are happening. Matt is feeling a little better and it makes me so happy. He's still on oxygen but he's doing so much better! We had a date night on Thanksgiving and it was wonderful. I'm falling in love with him all over again! Now that he is feeling a little better I can be his wife rather than his care-giver and I have missed being his wife! I know there are a lot if changes in store for us and I'm ready. I just pray that they will be positive changes. I am so thankful for what we have even though it has been incredibly challenging because we still have each other.

Nails and More

2011-11-16T18:40:00.000-08:00

Today was a better day by far. I woke up dreading the day but it really went well from the get go! This was the first Wednesday that Matt did not have off and so it was a little lonely but it was still a good day. I went to get my nails done this morning. My friend Mandy is getting married in under a week and she paid for me to have them done with her nail lady who is absolutely fabulous and usually completely booked. It went so well and now she has agreed to take me on as a client! I am just praying that I can find the extra money to keep it up because I really need a little something for myself. So my nails look beautiful! I came home to all of my children and they were very happy to see me. We went into my bedroom and all plopped down on the bed together and while some played Wii and some wrestled I simply rested and enjoyed being with them. I did not think about bills that needed to be paid or how we were going to buy diapers or how I was going to find money to put gas in the van because the light just came on AGAIN! I didn't think about any of it, I just enjoyed my little one's. It was such a wonderful afternoon. I think a lot of my ability to enjoy came from a great relief society gathering we had last night about prioritizing, managing our time and slowing down. There was a lot of great things said and I realized that I have let a lot of things get in the way when I should just be enjoying my family. I wasn't going to go last night. It was a huge internal battle to go but ultimately what got me there was the fact that I was just too tired to get the kids put in bed and I knew if I went I wouldn't have to. Selfish? I know. It was the best selfish act ever. By the time I got home the house was quiet and Matt and I were able to relax and enjoy a movie together. It was so great. I am so thankful that I went to relief society and next time maybe it won't be such a fight with myself to get there!

Mammogram, Tears and Tired, Oh My!

2011-11-15T22:36:00.001-08:00

This week has been filled with up's and down's for me. I have been very emotional. I have tried very hard to keep busy because I seem to feel better that way. Unfortunately not everyday can be filled with things to do...well that's not true. There is plenty I should be doing but finding the motivation to do them is my problem. For a while there I really started to feel better but another round of depression has reared it's ugly head. I am grateful for the things we have, a roof over our heads, family to support us and of course each other. These are just a few but I feel that I have to give a few examples lest people think I am ungrateful. I recognize that we have been blessed, however it is hard to remember those blessings amidst the trials. With this last surgery that Matt had he was out of work for a week with no pay. We knew that it would be hard but there was no way around it, he was in no shape to go back to work. Perhaps if it had been a single hernia repair but 4 hernias repaired at once would knock anyone flat. I'm surprised that he was only down a week! So as the medical bills roll in and the paycheck doesn't it is hard not to get frustrated and down. I am not working right now and to be honest I feel worthless. Here my husband has undergone 4 major surgeries in one year and he is still working and I am home having a hard time getting out of bed each morning. I have prayed so hard to my Heavenly Father for guidance and have received a firm answer that I am not to return to work full time. My place is home with my children. They need me to help them through all that is happening to our little family but honestly I feel like I am failing at it. How can I help them when I can barely function on my own? Last week there were days when I couldn't even make myself shower. That is when I knew things were really bad. This week I am doing better at getting showered and dressed but that is about all I can make myself do. When Claire and Ivan leave for school I shut down and poor Nora and Naomi are bored out of their minds. Sesame Street and Tangled have been a godsend but I feel so guilty for not doing more. I used to take them out to play, I used to read to them and take them to the park, now I lay on the couch while they watch tv. It doesn't help that the fibromyalgia has been so much worst since we moved back. There are so many different factors that aggravate this condition and we seem to have all of those factors in our lives. I want to get better, I want to be better for my children. I know I need to go back to counseling but I'm terrified to go. I don't know why, it's not something new to me, I've done it a lot over the years but now it just seems like one more thing to do that I don't have the energy for. I just haven't felt good for a long time and it's getting worst instead of better. At the end of this month I have a checkup with my doctor and I'm hoping we can fix some of the physical symptoms. I also have to have a mammogram. I have had a lump in my armpit for about 5 months now and it can't be ignored anymore. I'm just tired. But it's nothing new and people are tired of hearing that from me I'm sure, so I'll shut my mouth and do my best to not be so dang tired.

Week in Review

2011-11-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

Compared to most, this week was slow. I am so thankful for that! There were several days where the kids and I were able to just relax. I spent a lot of time with my friend Mandy and we had a great time. We took the kids for Halloween pictures, we decorated cookies and twice we got together with our hubbies to watch movies. It was so great to have date night again! We are all going to try to get together once a week. Matt and I really need to start having some fun! I was really not looking forward to Halloween this year. I knew that Matt would probably not feel up to trick or treating and I really didn't want to do it alone. He was such a trooper, he went! He was less than 2 weeks out of surgery and full of metal clips holding an 8x10 mesh in place inside his abdomen and he walked around the whole neighborhood with the kids and me! It was great. The kids had such a great time and I got some great pictures of Matt with them. I can't wait to get the rest of my scrapbooking stuff out of storage to catch up on his books!

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Not Today

2011-10-30T11:58:00.001-07:00

Today is not such a good day. I just can't pull it together. Our most awesome home teachers came today and the tears started and they just won't stop. One of our home teachers stops by here and there and I LOVE it. He comes to chat with Matt and to see how I am doing. His family has been through a very rough ordeal and he takes care of everyone in his family and it's so nice to have someone to relate to. Last night one of Matt's friends from his mission called and his family too has been through a similar ordeal and it was so nice to talk to him! It's so nice to know that what I'm feeling is pretty normal for this kind of thing. Today I am overwhelmed with a dozen different emotions. We were getting dressed and ready for church and I just broke down. I should be taking the kids even though Matt can't go but today I just can't face it. I hurt so much lately. It's gotten much worse since we got here and some days I just can't get going. I feel like everyone around me is watching and judging. I realize they probably aren't but today that's just how it feels. I just used to be so on top of things, so put together and now that is gone and I feel like I'm drowning in unfulfilled responsibilities. I just hurt inside and out.

Shopping with my Claire Bear

2011-10-29T22:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight we started a tradition that is super exciting for our family. I took Claire, just her and me to find a baptism dress. We went to Costa Vida for dinner and then met up with Aunt Mandy to go to White Elegance and find the perfect dress. Claire was so excited. She has been looking forward to this ever since Grandma sent her the money to buy her dress. When we got to the store, it didn't take her long to find the "perfect" dress. Of course she is like her mom and has expensive taste but it really is a beautiful dress. Aunt Mandy had the perfect advice, she said this is like picking out your wedding dress Claire, you always try on three and then pick one. lol. So we tried on three and then bought the one she had picked first. She is so funny. Claire has such a unique personality. It was so fun to watch her get so excited about this next step in her life. She has watched many of her friends get baptised and now she is only one month away from her own. The best part about it is that her dad will get to do it! We didn't know if he would be well enough but if his recovery continues the way it is going he will be well enough! This is a huge miracle for our family! We are so excited for her to be baptised. I am proud of her for making this decision.

Cookies and a Book!

2011-10-27T22:04:00.001-07:00

Today was supposed to be a relaxing day...need I say more?
Doesn't it always seem to be that you are most busy when you have planned to just do nothing? That is how my life seems to roll.
Today I got called for an interview at the State Capitol. I had an internal battle about the whole thing as my kids faces and their anticipated reactions to me working again ran through my head. Funny thing is I was just interviewing, I haven't even been offered the job!
Matt looks and feels a little better today. I actually have hope for a recovery from this latest surgery after today. He said that he feels a remarkable difference between yesterday and today. I was so glad to hear it because yesterday he looked like death. He looked like it, I felt like it! I finally crashed last night after going full steam for over a week. It's amazing how tired the hospital can make you and how oxygen tanks can get heavier and heavier every time you have to lift them in and out of the car!
I don't quite know what to do with Matt, he is really down now that he has been diagnosed with diabetes and I don't know how to make it better. I have been reading everything I can on diabetes so that I know what to expect and how to make things better for him but he seems pretty shut off. I've read that this is very common. Unfortunately there was no advice for the spouse on how to help or even cope. It's hard when he is down because I try so hard not to let that happen. Then I remind myself that I needed my time just to be down and not ok with our situation and he needs his.
So it has been a long and exhausting week. I did get the chance to help my friend with her wedding invites and that was fun. And at the end of all of this 2 good friends brought me just what I needed, chocolate chip cookies and a good book. Thank goodness for friends who know just what I need!

Wow

2011-10-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

                Wow, tonight I am feeling overwhelmed and over-informed! I have spent the evening reading up on diabetes. I registered Matt online with the American Diabetes Association and read everything I needed to for our appointment tomorrow. I wanted to make sure that I had a list of questions ready for the doctor and also wanted to make sure that I knew what they were talking about so that it wouldn't be so overwhelming. Matt is not happy about this diagnosis and of course that is normal, I don't know who would be happy about being diabetic. I have tried to be super pro-active about all of it and I figure that way I can be there for him when he decides that he is ready to research it for himself. I read so much but I am sure that I have only scraped the surface of all of the information that we are going to be learning.
                    Really, Matt has been doing exceptionally well with his recovery since coming home. His pain is well controlled even without pain medication. He ran a fever for the first two days but today has been good, no fever. Today was not such a good day for me. I didn't change my pain patch yesterday. With everything that was happening I forgot and with everything I have been doing that was a mistake. Today I was in bed for most of the day and on the couch for the remainder. Tonight I broke down and took meds for the breakthrough pain and now I am feeling better. I am hoping that tomorrow is a better day. Every time Matt has surgery I realize how much he helps me. I become very overwhelmed when I cannot ask him for help and that worries me for the future. If things do not get better for him I am going to have to pray that my health improves and that the pain decreases or subsides.
          Tonight we started using some essential oils that were given to us by our friends family. They are supposed to help with pretty much every health problem you can think of. There are several that are supposed to help with diabetes and so we rubbed them on Matt's feet and his abdomen and he added more herbs to his regimen. We were skeptical about all of the herbal treatments when Matt's family started using them but we have quickly become believers and so when our friends brought us the oils and herbs we were excited to try them.
          So much is changing for us but it is not all bad. I am excited that there are finally some answers to some of his symptoms. Many of the things that he has been experiencing are very consistent with diabetes and so we can begin treating them and hopefully things will begin to improve.
          I am overwhelmed but I think that we will feel much better after we meet with the endocrinologist tomorrow and find out more about how we should treat this. We should also get the results of Matt's blood work which will tell us if there is a pituitary problem or not.
On top of all of this we are dealing with problems at the school with Claire and have to meet with the principal tomorrow. Poor Claire is having a horrible time with school and I am afraid that we are going to have to change schools. I was so excited that they were going to be just around the corner so that we could walk with them back and forth to school but I have a feeling that Claire is going to have to attend elsewhere, there is just not much help for her there.
   So although things are very overwhelming tonight, I am feeling a little less lost and a little more organized. I think that tomorrow's appointment will go well and hopefully it means the beginning of treating Matt and getting him better. I am afraid that he will not get better but I try to keep those thoughts out of mind.

Today

2011-10-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

Today was full of different emotions. Last night was hard for both Matt and I. We were so tired and really depressed after his diagnosis with diabetes. His numbers have been steadily going down however which is good. He is still in the 200's but it's going down. I was up and down helping him through the night and so this morning I was super tired. This morning I was able to go back to sleep after getting Matt medicated and his sugar's taken. It felt so good to sleep. I was so tired. This afternoon I was able to get a break from it all and go to a wedding shower for my best friend Mandy. It was so great to be able to go and celebrate her upcoming wedding. I am so happy for her, she is marrying such an awesome guy and they all make a great family. It was so great to see her so happy. There were a few teary moments for me. Some friends started asking about what was going on with Matt and I just couldn't help but cry. I felt awful because it was her day but I guess that If I'm going to go anywhere right now, people are going to have to know that the wounds are still fresh and the tears just come when they want to.
Matt has developed what looks like a bed sore on the back of his head. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it so my friend Michelle bought him a special pillow that has a hole in it and allows his head to rest without touching the sore. We see the endocrinologist on Monday and he can take a look at it and let us know what to do. This is all so overwhelming to me. I'm not sure how to take care of him and that is scary. I will just have to educate myself the best way I can so that when we go to the doctor I can know what they are talking about and ask the right questions. I just want to know if they are going to be able to get him better or if I am going to lose him. I just want someone to be honest with me and let me know how much time we have together if he is not going to get better. I know how much time the think we will have together while he is lucid but I want to know how much longer I can sleep next to him in our bed. How much longer I can hold his hand and watch movies, how much longer we can joke together and how much longer we can plan our lives together. Perhaps I really don't want that answer. Each day is a gift and I am trying to make every moment easier for him. I wish so much that I could take it from him. I wish it were me that was sick and not him. I wish I could make it all better.

What A Day!

2011-10-21T23:43:00.001-07:00

This has been such a long day that when I look back at what happened it seems like it must have been more than just one day. We woke up this morning at the hospital after a rough night. Matt ran a temperature of 102.8 most of the night and his blood sugar was up in the upper 300's with insulin. I slept off and on and so did Matt but unfortunately the hospital is not a very good place for getting rest. The surgeon came in to see Matt and informed us that we could go home. Matt was glad but I was terrified. He was still running a fever and his sugar was 385. The surgeon wasn't sending us home with anything to control his blood sugar and he said the fever was probably just from the anesthesia and his lungs. Neither of those things were ok with me but I didn't know what to do. I wanted to fight but I just didn't have it in me. My friend Mandy and her fiancé Delbert showed up and let me tell you what a blessing that was. The nurse we had was not very good and Mandy put her in her place! I called the endocrinologist in the meantime and let them know what was happening. They in turn called the surgeon and let him know that he had to send us home with some medication to control the blood sugar. I don't know what I would have done if Mandy weren't there. So I brought Matt home and we got the kids and they were so excited to see him. He has had a fever throughout the day but we are keeping it down as best we can and we have had to check his sugar levels every two hours. So far they have steadily decreased with the exception of his last test before bedtime which was at 277. It was super hectic this afternoon and evening. My in-laws work at the temple on Friday's and so it was my load alone to carry. By tonight I am exhausted but having a hard time sleeping. I have been reading up on type 2 diabetes and requesting information from whatever sources I can. Matt is discouraged tonight and I don't blame him. This just plain sucks but we can do it. We have an appointment on Monday with the endocrinologist and they will have more information for us too. It's just all so much at one time that our heads are spinning. I saw my Doctor on Wednesday before Matt's surgery and she wants to do a physical. She is afraid I'm forgetting about taking care of myself. I tried to explain to her that there just isn't that 25th hour in the day that I need for myself. So I have to have a physical in a month. Personally I am done with doctors and hospitals and illnesses and insurance companies. I know Matt feels the same way but we will keep plugging along. I'll make sure I'm healthy so I can get him healthy.
Although it's overwhelming to have all of these trials right now, at least we are getting some answers. I just wish they didn't have to keep cutting him open to find the answers. I am so proud of him, he is so strong. I just wish I could take this from him but I can't so I will just try to carry him through it all.

Late Night Hospital Ramblings

2011-10-21T13:13:00.001-07:00

Matt in Recovery


Very Sleepy

Tonight we are in the Tooele hospital with Matt again. Today he underwent a major hernia repair. There were 4 hernia's in all. They placed an 8x10 piece of mesh inside his abdomen to cover the hernias and clipped into place with 40 clips. They put permanent stitching at the top and bottom of the mesh and the surgeon said these stitches usually hurt really bad ( oh good! ). In recovery they checked his blood sugar and it was at 262. This is really quite high especially because he hadn't eaten anything since the night before. They gave him 5 units of insulin, waited 40 minutes and checked his blood sugar again. It had gone up to 268! Not what we had hoped for. So they gave him 5 more units of insulin. He did well through the afternoon and as long as he didn't move the pain wasn't bad. Tonight things aren't so good. He has refused pain meds since recovery and then he tried to get up to go to the bathroom. Oh my goodness, the pain took his breath away. I looked into his face and said "just cry Matt" but he just shook his head. I wanted to cry for him. We got him to the bathroom and amidst all of this he looked at me and smiled and said "I love you, you're beautiful." what an incredible man I have in my life. The nurse came in a few minutes ago and checked his sugar and he was at 358! She jogged out to get some insulin, in fact he got a double dose. Tomorrow morning at 6am they are going to do a blood test that picks up one of the indicators for diabetes. If it comes back positive they will do some further testing and then set us up to take care of it. I have a feeling we will be here for a few days. I'm torn because my children are so sad that I am here with him but I can't leave. If he has to go through this we are doing it together. He is sleeping now and I should be. The kids came to visit this evening and after they left I cried. I just couldn't hold it together anymore. It seems as though nothing is routine for him anymore and I'm just not as strong as I should be, I have to just cry it out. I wish I could take this from him. I wish a million times over that his pain was mine. I am so grateful to my friend Mandy who is more of a sister than a friend. She was here all day for support and helped me get the kids down to see their dad. She was incredible. Tonight we are scared but we also are blessed. If he had not come in for this surgery and his sugar's were this high or higher he could have been in real trouble. I am thankful we are here. Looking back it seems like a mess because every procedure has uncovered a new problem but tonight that seems like such a blessing. What would we have done if he hadn't had that motorcycle accident in Arizona? We wouldn't have known there was a problem until his memory was gone and we would have lost so much time with him. If he hadn't come in for his gallbladder surgery they wouldn't have found the liver disease until it was much worse, again it gave us more time with him. If he hadn't come in for this surgery, again real trouble and we could have lost him. Tonight we are tired, scared, hurting and sad but you know what? Tonight we are blessed.

Somebody Sedate Me!

2011-10-19T21:46:00.001-07:00

So one of my favorite episodes of Grey's Anatomy involves a scene with the character Christina Yang. She has just come out of surgery after losing a baby and she starts to cry. She is not a crier and so she screams to her hospital co-workers, "Somebody sedate me!"
I wish I could say I'm not a crier but I am, and I am completely on board with being sedated right now! I was ok with matt having surgery, I really was because he is in a lot of pain but now that it is less than 12 hours away I'm not so okay with it anymore. Thankfully my most awesome friend will be there to sit with me during the surgery. We have decided that since something has gone wrong with all of the other surgeries I should probably not be alone, on the off chance this one has complications too. What a pessimistic attitude you may think but come on people, I'm just keepin' it real. He has been doing better since they put him on oxygen but the last few days he has gone downhill a little. The jaundice is back on the top of his head which seems like such a strange place for it to be and he is a lot more sluggish than he has been. I have been trying to stay positive because apparently that's what people in this kind of situation are supposed to do. At least others tell me to remain positive. I say walk a week, heck a day in our shoes and see how positive you can be. Right now I am too damn scared to be positive. My life and this family just doesn't work without my husband, that's the only thing I am "positive" about. Whoa what an ornery post! Just telling the truth because I'm tired of hiding behind this chemical smile. I told you, somebody needs to sedate me!

Hernia Repairs

2011-10-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

Well we are one day closer to Matt's latest and not-so-greatest surgery. So far I have not been as worried about this one like I was about the last one. I couldn't explain it last time, I just knew something was wrong and unfortunately I was right. I don't feel that way about this surgery but I will say that I am beginning to feel a little bit of a pit in my stomach. I think it is just pre-surgery jitters which is totally stupid because he's not even nervous! It's a very good thing he doesn't get nervous because I have enough anxiety for the both of us! This surgery is to repair a few hernia's that have popped up on his scar from his appendix removal. It's supposed to be an outpatient procedure but I think the plan is overnight in the hospital again. Today we got the good news that in the last 3 months since we got the insurance, Matt has almost reached his out of pocket maximum which is 2500 dollars. We may have already reached our family out of pocket maximum as well! If we haven't then this surgery will cost 128.00 and then no more 10% for us, just co-pays, yay! If we have met the out of pocket maximum for the family then it is FREE (to us anyway)! This is such a blessing because we are drowning in medical debt and it is all making it's way to collections. So that was our little miracle of the day. Now we can begin to try and dig ourselves out of this mess.

Church and Coke

2011-10-16T20:43:00.001-07:00

Today has been a hard day. I just didn't want to get out of bed. I feel so guilty when matt is home because he is an early riser and I literally cannot drag my aching body out of bed when I know he is up with the kids. He is a great sport and never complains, in fact he encourages me to relax but he's the one that encourages me to relax and get the much needed sleep. I think a lot of the problem is that we are not in our own house and I feel judged when I cannot get out of bed. I am so grateful to my in-laws for taking us in but it is hard not to have our own house. So for these and other reasons it has been a hard morning. I have been tired, frustrated and not patient with anyone around me. In contrast, yesterday was a pretty good day! We were able to spend the day as a family doing various activities. I took Ivan and Nora to walmart with me while Matt and Claire watched Naomi. In the afternoon we all went to a birthday party at a friends house for a while and then I got to take Claire and Nora to a Halloween party at Claire's friends house. I got to spend time with my friend who was brave enough to put on the party for 7 children! It was a good time. It was nice to get out of the house. I have turned down a lot of opportunities to go out with friends because it's so hard to be away from Matt. I worry all the time and I just never want to be away from him! While it is flattering to him, I know it is not necessarily healthy. I have to stop living like he is dying. We will have a lot of time together. I just feel comfortable with him so it's hard to leave that comfort zone. All in all things are ok. I am just taking it day by day and trying not to let the physical pain, depression and anxiety get the better of me. We made it to church today. I can honestly say I didn't want to come but I'm glad we did. I can tell that Satan has been trying very hard to keep me down but I'm fighting back. I may not be fighting as gracefully as others but I'm fighting. I have awesome friends and awesome ward members that are very supportive. So although today has been a hard day, with church and a lot of coke, this day will get better :)

Time

2011-10-09T20:29:00.000-07:00

Today was another crazy day for us in the Garff family but tonight things are ok. It was not a day without trials and tears but it is better than some of the days before. Claire woke up feeling sick and all of her symptoms pointed straight to appendicitis. I took her to the hospital after waiting as long as possible to see if by chance the pain would subside. It didn't so we headed to Tooele hospital where they promptly did all the tests for appendicitis. They did a CT scan and her appendix looked good but she had a small amount of blood in her urine and so we are supposed to have the urine test repeated in a few days and see if it's a kidney or bladder infection. I'm not sure why they didn't just treat her for that now because the pain moved to her back near her kidneys but they didn't so we are headed to the doctor later this week. I was so thankful that she did not have to have surgery. Heavenly Father was looking out for our family today because I'm just not sure that's something we could have done right now. Tonight she is feeling a bit better so hopefully by morning she can go to school and all will be well.
This weekend has been a little hard for me emotionally. I have been aching for home, wherever that may be. Tonight I went to work in the kids room and washed all their sheets and made their beds and put their names above their beds. I have decided that instead of praying for a home of our own I will pray that living here with my in-laws will feel more like home. We are not going to be in a position anytime soon to be on our own so I have to feel like the spaces we have are our own. I also got some of my scrapbooking stuff out of storage so that I can go to work on our family books. Matt has tomorrow and Tuesday off of work and I am so glad to have the time with him. Tomorrow we get to go to lunch with my cousin who is in town. I haven't seen her in more than 15 years and I am very excited to see her.
All in all it was a trying weekend but I handled it better than weekends like it before. I am hoping that with time it will get easier and easier to adapt. I don't know why I expected things to be immediately better but it's like Matt says, it took us three years to get into this mess, it's going to take at least that long to rebuild and get better. I just need to give myself time.

A Little More Like Home

2011-10-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight it is quiet in the house. I guess I should say this morning it is quiet in the house. I have this horrible habit of staying up way too late but I can't resist the time alone with my husband and the time when the house is so quiet and it seems like our own little world. We do not have much that is our own anymore and so the few moments that we can pretend are wonderful moments indeed. This last week was a very trying one in our household and our family. Naomi got sick last Friday with Croup and it spread like wildfire through our family. By the time all was said and done all of the kids and a few of us adults have had it. We had quite the scare with Nae and Nora. Both of the girls ended up in Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake. We had taken Nae to the bedtime kids care at our pediatrician where they diagnosed her. They gave her 2 different breathing treatments and a shot of steroids but she did not improve like they had hoped and so they sent us to the hospital here in Tooele. The hospital here is a small one and they were not comfortable handling her situation. The doctor said that we should see improvement but if it went the other way we would have less than 2 minutes before they would have to intubate. I guess with Croup the vocal cords and the throat can become so enlarged that they close off altogether. So off they shipped us to Primary's in an ambulance. She started doing much better on the way there due to the steroids and spent a large amount of time drawing on her hand with the pen that the EMT gave her. Really, a pen? lol. We spent a few hours in observation with her and then they gave us the choice of staying for the remainder of the night or going home. We chose home which at that point was my sister's house. She had come to the hospital because Matt was too tired to make the drive and I didn't want to risk another accident, I don't think he would survive it. We spent the night on a futon in her house and bless her heart in the morning she took Nae who had not slept well most of the night and bathed and played with her while I slept. She drove us home to Tooele and next it was Nora's turn. She started the next night. She was really bad. She was barking and wheezing and when we finally went to bed she shot straight out of a dead sleep twice gasping for breath. She was panicking and so was I but I made sure it did not show on my face. I made her look straight at my face and breathe along with me, trying desperately to slow down her breathing the best way I could think of. Then I put her in the car and sped to Primary's. I wasn't going to mess with two different hospitals this time, we were going straight for the big guns. Once we were there they treated her much the same way that they did Nae and then put her on oxygen to get her stats up. Thank goodness she didn't have to bring the oxygen home with her, we are always tripping and tying ourselves in Matt's tube, I cannot imagine trying to deal with more feet of plastic tubing. It has been nearly a week since this all happened. Claire and Ivan got it but we were fast enough catching it that we got them taken to the doctor before it ever really turned nasty. Needless to say I am one exhausted momma. Today I stripped my room of any and all things that could be washed, disinfected or thrown away so that we would not recycle this nasty virus. My room is so clean, I love it! It is nearly impossible to keep our little room clean in this house because the kids are slowly trying to move into it. I will have to post pictures of our room so that you can see the hilarity of it all. I did get our computer set up though so that I can actually have some daytime hours online and feel somewhat connected to the world. There are 10 people in this house and 1 computer which makes it very hard to stay connected. It felt so good to get the room somewhat organized and my computer set up but what felt the best was to pull out my Scentsy warmer. I have been 6 months without my Scentsy warmer and those of you that really know me or have ever been to my house (when I had one anyway) know that I am in love with my warmers. I have 7 total, one for every room of our last house. Had I known it was going to probably be the last house we ever owned I would have taken pictures. It was such a beautiful house and it was all ours. I took that for granted. I really did. So pulling out my Grape Vine Scentsy warmer made it feel a little more like home.

Dear Lord

2011-09-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord-
Today was a really hard day. You probably already know all of this but I just needed a friend to talk to and I thought of you. I don't know what to do anymore Lord. I woke up today determined to have a good day, I really did. I took Claire to the doctor and when I tried to pay the co-pay my flex card was out of money. We have reached our maximum for the year in 2 short months. They would not see Claire without a co-pay so I had to swallow the lump in my throat that was probably pride and call my father in law to pay the co-pay. We are so blessed to have him, he didn't even hesitate before saying yes. Once we got into the office they did another x ray on Claire's knee and all I could think was "that's 40 more dollars...40 more..." What kind of mother thinks that Lord? What I should have been thinking was "I hope that she is okay, I hope she's okay." Just like they had told us at the urgent care, it is broken but it doesn't need surgery so that is a blessing. That makes 2 blessings so far Lord and I am thankful for them.
I took Claire to school and then came home and checked the mail. Let me tell you what a mistake that was. On the top was a bill from the hospital for Matt's surgery. The total was 1,900.00 Lord...that is so much money for us. I called to arrange payments and when I told them that we could pay $100 a month they laughed. She literally laughed Lord. She has no idea how humiliating that call was for me and that I was holding back tears the whole time and she laughed. I was so angry at her but I just ask that you bless her with compassion for the next person who calls with the same situation.
Next I tried to refill medication for Claire and Ivan. They have been doing a lot better ever since we started this new medication with them and that is blessing number 3. My heart hurts so much for them Lord. Every time someone makes a judgement of them my heart hurts and the tears well. People just don't understand the stress and heartache that comes with raising a child with Aspberger's and a child that is bi-polar. I feel very alone Lord. I have met other parents that are dealing with similar issues and they have so many resources to help them. So far I have hit dead end's when I try to find resources. The insurance company refuses to pay for the medication for 3 more days and it makes no sense. I got three different reasons from three different people. The woman on the phone did not understand that they cannot go without their medication Lord. She was so mechanical about all of it. These are my children we are talking about. So I have to pay out of pocket for this medication with my father in law's money.
This is just one day Lord. One day in a string of many just like it and worse. I need you Lord. I need your strength. I need some hope. I need to know that it will get better because at this point both Matt and I have given up on a miracle. We used to think it was coming Lord but our faith is disappearing. We love you Lord and want to do what makes you happy. Please help us to make you happy. Please help us to hang on.

Baptism Preview

2011-09-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight we had the opportunity to go to a baptism preview for Claire. We went to one in our old ward at the beginning of this year but her baptism seemed so far away that it really didn't hit me. Tonight I realized that her baptism is only 2 months away and so it took on a whole new meaning for me. We have been talking about baptism a lot with her and helping her to get ready. Tonight as we were sitting there my mind wandered to my childhood and my adolescence and I realized how much I want things to be different for Claire Bear. These next two months will be so special going to get her baptism dress and make up her invitations. Her Grandma and Grandpa Bradford won't be able to be there and that makes me very sad but Matt will get to baptize her which is something we weren't sure he would be able to do. We will have to work around the oxygen situation but it will be possible. I can't believe that she is old enough to get baptized. We struggle a lot with her, especially me because she is so much like me. I hope and pray that I can use those similarities to direct her down a better path than I chose when I was younger. I made it to the right destination, I just took a lot of hurtful detours along the way. I don't want her to have to take those detours. I am so excited and scared and sad that my baby is growing up.

More of the Same

2011-09-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

Today is a hard day for me. I have been so tired (as usual) and so it has been a lazy day and I feel so guilty for it. Being a "stay at home mom" in
someone else's home is really a challenging thing. I do my best to keep busy cleaning and taking care of the kids but there is only so much I can do. It is especially hard on the lazy days because I feel judged. I'm sure it is just my imagination and a large part of it probably comes from the fact that I feel very guilty on said lazy days.

Friday has become a hard day for me. The State of Utah recently changed from a 4 day work week to a 5 day work week and although Matt still works four 10 hour shifts, his off day is Wednesday instead of Friday and it is the same day that my in-laws go to the temple all day. It was really nice to have the house to ourselves when Matt was home, we functioned like a normal family almost but now it is just me and the kids and it is lonely. I pray almost daily for the Lord to help us get into our own house. It is not that living with Matt's family is a bad thing, it's just hard. It is especially hard after living on our own for 10 years.

Matt has an appointment with the endocrinologist this next week and we are very happy about that. I though for sure it would take at least a month to get in and so when they told me they could get us in next week, I did a happy dance in my mind. We were not so lucky with the GI doc and the liver biopsy, those will be in October. He is doing well for now but the swelling in his legs has returned and so that excitement has disappated. It was a huge breakthrough for us to have that swelling gone. It is something we have watched and worried over for a year now. It has been the source of multiple trips to the ER and even a weekend stay in the hospital. You can imagine how happy we were when it went away and how disappointed we were when it returned. Hopefully the Endocrinologist will have some insight for us.

I think I am just generally out of place. I am not un-happy just un-settled. I have stopped trying to find a new normal for our family because everytime I do it turns upside down. For now we just take it a day at a time and hope that there are more good days than bad.

The Latest From These Garff's

2011-09-09T19:07:00.000-07:00

Today has been a hard day. Matt has gone back to work and the kids have started school and although it is a load off it proves to be quite lonely sometimes. We are still living with Matt's dad and things are still challenging for our family but we are seeing some progress. Matt is doing well at work, he is still on oxygen but it keeps him awake on the drive to and from and helps him have more energy throughout the day. The swelling in his hands and legs has gone down considerably and the cardiologist has given him a great report so we know that he does not have congestive heart failure! Yay! Now we just have to see the endocrinologist and the GI doc for a liver biopsy. We have to have it done at the U of U so it is nearly impossible to get ahold of anyone! I think we will just have to walk in to make the appointment.

I have been struggling with depression and fibromyalgia. Someone stole 7 pain patches from the house and so we have started locking our bedroom door with a key and I have been in pain for the last 2 weeks. It is so frustrating to be dealing with pain again after having been nearly pain free. I made a police report and the doctor could prescribe more but the insurance won't pay until Monday so it will be a long weekend. I think the depression comes from yet another challenge in our lives and another change in our routine. I just don't seem to fit in my own skin, I feel like I can't quite find my niche. I am hoping with time I will begin to feel better.

The kids are enjoying school and the weather is starting to turn so they are excited. They can't wait for it to snow, I on the other hand can definitely wait. We were able to take them to the drive in last weekend and it was so much fun. We went through 4 oxygen tanks and hit the parking poll with our van but it was still fun. We haven't done "normal" family things like that in some time.

I have had an easier time going to church. I was so afraid to face the people. It just seemed like the walls were closing in on me and we were the center of attention because we were new and for some reason it completely freaked me out. I have gotten to know some very awesome people and that has made it much easier to attend. The bishopric and the Elders Quorum presidency has been to visit a lot during this new challenging time for us and our most AWESOME relief society president has been wonderful to me as well as our neighbors. We have been blessed with a great support system. I have had a great time catching up with old friends and making some much needed new friends.

Although life has thrown us some new challenges, we have seen many blessing and are very thankful for them.

All The Wrong Things?

2011-08-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that it is only Monday. Now that I am not working the days seem to blend together but that is a good thing because I am busy with my kids. I am so thankful to be home with them again. The pit in my stomach that has been there from the first day I left them to go to work until now is gone and although being home with them is exponentially harder than being at work, it is what I need right now. I opened a letter on Saturday from the State of Utah congratulating me on an interview for a job I had applied for and really hoped to get. I had applied some time ago when I thought I had a handle on things. When I thought I could be that person I was trying so hard to be. When I thought that working and being away from my children was something I could handle. It is a position in the Executive Directors office which would be "awesome on my resume" (I kept telling myself) and today I called the office and gracefully (I think) turned it down. I was torn over the weekend about whether or not this was the right thing to do. Logically I knew that it would be the best step I could make toward a career with the State of Utah which would help support us when (and I guess I should say) if I need to support us but in my heart I felt it was a step further from my family and my children. I enjoyed working and hope that someday I can go back to a similar job, perhaps even the same department if they will have me but it is not right for us right now. I have felt this gap begin to grow between my children and I and even Matt and I ever since we got here. I think a large part of that feeling came from the wall that I was beginning to build around myself. I was isolating myself because it hurt so much to be away from my children. I had even stopped calling them at all throughout the day because hearing their little voices broke my heart and I hated crying at work. In the last 2 weeks I have turned down 2 jobs with the state and I know there are people that are disappointed and some that are even thinking that I have done the wrong thing. I have even wondered if perhaps I have done the wrong thing. Maybe the Lord was putting these opportunities in front of me but I think if it was his plan for me I would not have felt so sick about it. I would have felt excitement but instead all I felt was panic and fear. I have loved the last week I have been here with the kids. I wasn't here to help them make the adjustment to being here but I am here now to help them make the adjustment to going to school. I hope I have not done all the wrong things but these children are everything to me. I never thought I could love someone so completely other than my husband but the minute my first child was born my heart grew in size and it continued to grow with each child that has entered our family. There is such a potential for loss with these trials we have been given. There is the potential of losing everything we know to be normal and "finding a new normal" like we have been is getting harder and harder to do. I feel like I need to spend as much time with these little one's as I can before I lose this time with them. I know I should be more positive, people tell me that but right now I just don't have the strength. That is why I am getting help. These little one's that we have need for me to be positive. They need something in their world to be strong and I want that something to be me. I am still looking for the right counselor. For some reason I am dragging my feet. I think the reason I pure exhaustion. I firmly believe that I could sleep for the next two weeks straight and still not be rested but I think that comes from the depression and the never ending anxiety. I really need to get a hold on things. I thought it would be so much easier here. I should have listened better when one of my best friends told me "it's just geography Aubrey." She was so right. We have awesome people here as we did there but the trials seem to keep coming. It seems that in Arizona I was better emotionally. I was forced to hold it together and when we got here and there was some room to breathe I just started hyperventilating instead. I did the one thing that I was so tired of hearing people tell me not to do, I got angry at God and I have been trying for the last 3 months to patch that relationship. I am ashamed to admit that when things go wrong the first place I go is back to that anger. I even stopped going to church when we got here because I couldn't face all of those people and I just couldn't face the feelings I was having and the anger that I had misplaced. I am doing a little better though. I have gone to church 2 weeks in a row and I have been talking myself out of my anger. I still don't understand what all of this is for. Why have we been chosen to endure these things? It is a question that will most likely go unanswered for a very long time and I suppose the important thing to remember is not why we had to endure them but how well did we endure them. I want to make my Father in Heaven proud and it will take some doing. If I could just get past the exhaustion. All in good time I guess...All in good time.

Wake Up Call

2011-08-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

What a hard couple of days it has been for me. I can't even begin to describe the emotional pain that has gripped my heart for the last 48 hours. In truth it has been building for some time. We found out that Matt has to have more surgery which has sent me spiraling downword emotionally. I had accepted another job but daily I began having more and more panic attacks. Last night I found out that someone I had known in Arizona had taken her own life. It was such a wake up call for me. I have been having suicidal thoughts for some time now and I have waited to get help thinking that maybe I could handle it on my own. Well, I have been failing miserably. Last night I also had the last conversation I will ever had wih someone who has been one of my best friends for the last 7 years. Although I know that hurtful things were said out of anger and I know that they are not true, it still hurts. So this morning I went in to the office and quit my job. I came home and I slept the whole day. Tomorrow I am headed to find a counselor and get the help that I need. I just wish that the heartache would stop but I have a feeling that things are going to continue to be hard for a while.

Dogghouse Update

2011-08-06T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to update the blog for some time now but every time I sit to write I just don't know where to begin. Our lives have taken on such a different look that sometimes I wonder if this is really us or just some alternate version of us. We are not unhappy by all means but this is definitely not what we expected our lives to look like. Matt is working for the Utah State Health Department as a pharmacy claims tech and Monday is my last day as the General Information Specialist for the Utah State Human Services Department. On Friday a supervisor from the Bureau of Contract Management came to me and asked if I would like a temporary job in their department. I was very flattered. I know that my boss now put in a very good word for me and I a so grateful. So on Tuesday I start my new job and although I am nervous about starting over in a new department I am very grateful to have the opportunity to learn a new side of the Human Services Department. This whole thing has been kind of a wild emotional ride for me. It has been so hard to be away from our kids. Everyday my heart hurts a little bit knowing that I am missing the little moments with them that I have enjoyed for years but I know that working is the right thing for me right now. It's funny to see how the plan that the Lord has for me plays out as opposed to the plan that I had for myself. I had planned to be done working on Monday and to be home with my kids. I was planning on using the next two weeks to take my kids shopping and get all ready for school to start. Instead I have a new job and I am facing the possibility of missing their first day of school, something I have NEVER missed. When I realized that I would be working that day I started to cry. It seems that the tears come so easily lately, as if they didn't before. The kids are very excited for school to start and this year three of them will be going. Claire is starting second grade. She is 7 going on 23 and I see so much of myself in her. Ivan is starting first grade and we are all excited that he is going to have all day everyday to spend with other kids. He does his best to drive us crazy here at home but whenever he is away I miss him so much. Nora is starting preschool and I am so excited for her. We tried preschool last year for about 2 weeks but she did not enjoy it. This year she has to go whether she enjoys it or not because Kindergarten is right around the corner! Naomi is such a happy baby most of the time and she is finally sprouting more teeth. She is 17 months and still sporting only the front 4 teeth.
We are missing having our own place. We are missing our time alone as a little family but we are overwhelmed with gratitude for Matt's family for taking us in. I have been looking at apartments but it looks like Matt is headed for more surgery. We found out yesterday that among other things, he has gallstones and needs his gallbladder removed. His liver is not doing well and the doctor's are hoping that removing his gallbladder will help his liver recover. I sometimes wonder if fixing the hydrocephalus was worth it but he says he would do it all again. I would too no matter how hard this has been because he's a happier guy despite all of the problems he's been having. Things seem to be easier for him at work. His mood has improved and his stress has lessened. He told me the other day how nice it was to have a clear mind to do his work. How nice it was not to be overwhelmed all of the time and this is a new thing that resulted from the shunt. We still seem to be facing hurdle after hurdle but we aren't alone. Things are slowly coming into place and settling down and although it's not the "happily ever after" that I had pictured, we are all together.

The scriptures

2011-07-10T14:26:00.001-07:00

Today is a hard day for me but if possible it has been hard in a good way. I didn't want to go to church today. It had nothing to do with church itself, I just hurt badly today, it is what we at my house call a "bad fibro day." I decided that despite the pain I was feeling I would go. I put the baby down two hours early for her nap, ensuring that she would be cooperative at church right? WRONG! From the time that sacrament meeting started to the time it ended I literally wrestled with her. We were up and down and in and out of that chapel which is not easy for any mother, let alone one with fibromyalgia. Needless to say after that meeting we came home so that she could take another nap. It was so nice to take the sacrament today. I have missed it for several weeks because I have been home with a napping baby and I must say I needed it. I will fill you in on a little secret. Lately I have been angry with my Heavenly Father. I know it makes no sense but I have been. I have just been angry in general but I am hoping all of that will change and I am hoping those closest to me can be patient as I work my way back into a healthy relationship with God. I tried to make this time at home today (not being in church) productive by reading through the lesson for today and reading my scriptures. I am so glad I did. It has been too long since I have read my scriptures and there were some specific verses I needed to read. I am thankful for the scriptures and the fact that they made this "doubting Thomas" feel a little better today.

A Step at a Time

2011-07-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

I wish this post was different than the majority of my other posts. I wish this post was one that announced some great and happy event that has happened in our lives but unfortunately it is all too much like the other's, it is one that catalogues yet another hardship for our family. Last night on the way home from work, as Matt was pulling into Tooele, he nodded off behind the wheel and crashed our brand new car into another car. Fortunately neither he nor the other party involved were seriously injured but once again an incredibly unlucky situation has taken it's toll on our family. We took him to the hospital here in Tooele to be evaluated. The airbag in the car had deployed leaving chemical burns on Matt's arms and a bruise on his chest. The airbag had also hit him in the head which had us worried about his shunt and whether or not it had been damaged. After evaluation at the ER they determined that the shunt was working properly and that there were no breaks, just bumps and bruises. They were concerned about some of the physical symptoms that he was displaying that have become all too normal to us. The swelling in the legs, the tingling in the arms and hands, the weight gain and high blood pressure. We let them know that these symptoms have been present ever since the two major neurosurgery's that he underwent nearly a year ago and that we have not been able to find a doctor that was willing to do more than prescribe medication for the symptoms. We have yet to find a doctor that is willing to dig deeper and try to find the cause of all of these symptoms. The doctor at the ER decided that she wanted to draw blood and check his labs so that we could be a step ahead when we find a doctor that can see him. When they drew the labs they found that his blood sugar was 160, and that his liver was enlarged and producing too much of something that Matt cannot recall. They also said that his potassium is low. So we have that many more symptoms to deal with. I am trying to find the upside to all of this which is challenging but it's there somewhere. My manager from the temporary job that I had called me before the accident and offered me my job back for a while longer and told me of another position that I might qualify for. At first I turned it down but as soon as Matt had his accident I called them back and got the job. I start on Monday. This will allow me to drive Matt to and from work everyday and if I get benefits we will be double covered. So although this is another set back we will be okay. I am so glad that we were here when it happened. It was so great to be surrounded by Matt's family and my most awesome friends. Matt's dad was able to come to the hospital and give Matt and I both a Father's Blessing which helped so much. Now we are just trying not to let it ruin our weekend and dealing with it all a step at a time.

Tired

2011-07-03T12:08:00.000-07:00

Today is a hard day for me. The last few days in fact have been hard for me. When we arrived here in Utah it was such a relief. It was if a huge cloud that had hung over us for years began to dissipate and sunlight began to stream through in spots. It gave us time to think and breathe which is exactly what I had needed for so long. I didn't realize that with this time to breathe and with those burdens lightened that a new storm was brewing. With the pressure of surviving gone I seem to be falling apart. Now the challenge is to survive emotionally from everything that has hit us over the last few years. I started work the day after we got here and that was a very good thing for me. It helped distract me and give me a place in the world where I wasn't somebody's mother and I wasn't somebody's wife and I wasn't the woman who's husband will someday lose his memory. I was just me and honestly that was nice. It isn't that I don't want to be somebody's mother or somebody's wife or that I won't still love and adore and stand by my husband even when he doesn't know who I am, it was just nice to be me. Now that job has ended, it was only meant to be temporary and I am so excited to be home with my children but I worry so much that I am not up to that task. I am struggling so much with a cloud of grief and sadness that hangs near me everyday and often showers me with my own tears. Everyday I am tired. Everyday I am scared. I do not sleep well. My dreams are plagued with images of the time spent in the hospital with Matt and that is an experience I was only strong enough to experience once. I have started avoiding large crowds, I cannot face them without falling into attacks of anxiety. I am avoiding people I love because I just can't find a new normal. I can't find a way to be the friend, mother and wife I once was. I can't find a way to be carefree. I worry constantly that I am failing as a wife, mother and friend. My only solice seems to be sleep. I sleep so much and I fear that it is at some great cost. Those around me try to be patient but I am constantly worried that it will damage relationships that are vital to our survival right now. It is a fight everyday within me to get out of bed and face what the day has in store and I am so tired. I wish I had a better word for it. Tired doesn't seem to be a big enough word to describe what I am feeling. I am positive that my soul is tired. I am positive that it was time to come home and I wish so much that it made everything better. It did make life easier and it did make our burden's lighter, I just never imagined that I would fall apart all over again once we were here.

It Truly Comes In Three's!

2011-06-18T19:16:00.001-07:00

Well we are very happy to be back in Utah. We are enjoying living with the in-laws. I am extremely grateful to be sharing the housework with another woman because frankly I don't have the energy to keep a household running by myself. Matt and I are both working and matt's job came with insurance starting the day of hire and let me tell you what a HUGE blessing that has been. Since being home Nora has gotten shingles, I have had a kidney infection and Ecoli and in our latest adventures, Claire broke her elbow jumping off of a swing. We took her to the urgent care yesterday as soon as she did it and sure enough she snapped the bone in two. So that's three right? The problem is it doesn't stop there. It just seems to be one thing after another! I'm just so grateful we have insurance because the doctor said it looked like she may need surgery to fix the break. We go to the orthopedic doctor this week for either a surgery date or bone setting and s cast. I am so glad that we are here where there is help.

Shingles and Such

2011-06-02T15:56:00.000-07:00

Today marks the end of another work week not only for me but now for Matt as well! He started last Tuesday with the State of Utah in their Social Security Claims! We have been able to ride to work together and so we have had extra time all to ourselves. We were also able to have lunch together today which is the closest thing to a date that we have had in a long time! He is enjoying his job and it has benefits which I am enjoying! It couldn't have happened at a better time either because two days ago Nora came down with shingles. Although she has been such a trooper she is in a lot of pain. I had to miss yet another day of work to take care of her yesterday but today she was left in the capable hands of Granny and Grandpa and she is doing very well.
When I got the news that Matt was going to start working I didn't quite know how to feel. I had just settled into the "I'm going to work while he takes care of the kids" frame of mind and he called me with the news that he had gotten the job. When I told my boss she was ecstatic! She kept asking me if I was excited and I wanted to be, I was definitely proud of him but the first thing that came to mind was "I can't put my kids in daycare!"
I found out about ten minutes later that there was a daycare in the building where Matt was starting work so I was hoping that would be the answer. As I drove home that night I was so anxious. I have not been away from my kids for almost 8 years and the only reason I was comfortable going back to work was the fact that my husband was going to be home with the kids. I did not want a stranger to take care of them. When I got home I had a suprize. My mother-in-law told me that she and my father-in-law had been talking and they felt it best that the kids didn't go into daycare and that they would switch their shift at the LDS temple to Friday's so that they could watch our kids Monday through Thursday. I was so relieved. I hadn't wanted to ask because they have already done so much for us. We are truly blessed to have them.
My job is a temporary one and will most likely end in July. I would love to stay on permenant for a while but only if the budget allows. It's hard not knowing what is going to happen but for once the not knowing is not a devistating feeling. For once we have options and people to help us if...no, when we need the help. Even with all of this change in our lives, even with the loss of our house, health and security the Lord has shown us the pathway we should follow. It has been hard and I will admit I have felt abandoned a time or two. I have also had feelings of resentment and rebellion but I have not had doubt that what I know is true. We have had the help of incredible friends along the way and it is those friends that helped us find our way back home. We love you all.

Another Week in Utah

2011-05-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

Another week has passed here in Utah and we are feeling even more settled than before. The kids have been acting up a little bit but school let out yesterday for their friends and so now they get to play! They are so excited. Matt is doing well staying at home with them. The hard part is, now they seem to want to go to him more than me. Now I know what he must have been feeling all the time when he was working. Work is going well for me. Things have slowed down and so I have a lot of free time on my hands. My supervisors are so wonderful. This has been the perfect position to introduce me back into the working world. This weekend is a long one and I am looking forward to it. I can't seem to get enough sleep lately and so hopefully we can get plenty of rest this weekend as well as do some fun things. Matt and I are looking for new cars and I must say that I hate shopping for cars. We don't have good luck with cars. We are so happy to be back in Utah. The weather is cold for us now that we are accustomed to Arizona weather but hopefully now that it is memorial weekend, summer will decide to make an appearance. We are happy though and it is a wonderful feeling.

Update

2011-05-16T11:11:00.001-07:00

I think that this is the longest I have gone without blogging! So many crazy hard things have happened but so have many good things as well. We are officially moved back to Utah. I have been working for 2 weeks and one day and believe it or not I'm really liking it! It is very hard to be away from the kids but they are with their dad so I don't worry...too much. I'm kidding, they are in great hands. Matt interviewed for a job today at a building just up the street from me. He said it went really well and so who knows, we may be able to carpool for the next little while until my temporary job ends. We are thrilled to be back in Utah but we do miss our friends in Arizona. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them or talk about them to someone. If only there were a way to blend the two different places. I want so much to show our AZ friends what the Garff family looks like and how it functions when it's not in crisis! Some of them only know the crazy life that we have been living since Matt's accident and I would love to show them the happy us. We will have to get our own place so that we can coax them into visiting. The kids are doing well. They spend their days playing in the backyard at grandpa's house and hunting for "rollie pollies." Ivan has a cup full of them, it's really quite gross. Things have fallen into place in such amazing ways for us. There is no doubt that coming home was the right thing to do. Now we just long to share that with our AZ friends as well. I guess it's true you can't have it all, at least not all of the time.

Pieces of The Heart

2011-05-05T22:47:00.001-07:00

It has been some time since I last posted, I almost don't know where to start. Most of our friends and readers know the events of the last few months so I won't reiterate them. I will say that because of the accumulation of the events of the last few years, coupled with the events of the last few months we made a very bold decision. Matt gave his notice at the company with which he has spent the last
7 years and I got to work packing and we moved back home to Utah. This was our first week here. The week has not quite come to an end but my work week has and so I find myself with time to reflect on what we have done. Most people would and have said that this was a careless decision but those who have watched us and loved us over the last several years will tell you it was a decision long overdue. I was amazed at the events that led to our arrival in Utah after we made the final decision that we were leaving Arizona. We prayed and agonized over this decision and then humbly told the Lord that we were ready to go home. We only asked that if it was the wrong thing for our little family that he let us know. Well he let us know in many ways that it was in fact the RIGHT decision. Just one day after we finalized our plan, my sister called me and told me about some open jobs with the State of Utah. I applied because I felt it only fair that I do everything possible to contribute to the decision we had made. I had no reason to think that I would be qualified nor wanted for the job. Just 2 days later I received a message that they wanted me for an interview. My heart sank when they told me that I was needed for an interview 5 days before we were to arrive in Utah. The Lord did not let that get in the way. I was told I could interview over the phone. My sister helped me brush up on my interviewing skills as I have not worked out of the house in almost 8 years. I still had very little faith that I would get the job because I was out of state and no doubt competing with many local candidates. Again the Lord worked a miracle in our lives and I was called the day before we left AZ and offered the job. The only challenge was that they needed me to start the day after we arrived back home. I was able to start last Monday and although it has been extremely hard to leave my children everyday, I know they are in good hands with Matt and their Granny and Grandpa. So far everything has gone smoothly and we know that the Lord has delivered us home. It has not been without many tears of sorrow and joy and MANY dollars spent in gas money but we are home. I learned a very valuable lesson in all of this. The heart can be broken into pieces without it necessarily be a bad thing, as long as you leave those pieces with people you have met and loved along the way home.

They're Still Smiling

2011-03-21T21:34:00.001-07:00

Tonight I have very mixed feelings. I am relieved that the day is over. I am relieved that our car will not cost a fortune to fix. I am relieved that the day is over (did I mention that?). Ivan had his last day of school at Simonton today and Claire's last day is tomorrow. We have been blessed to be able to fix the van but the children are still going to change schools. This is a very emotional thing for me. I have done very well at not letting the kids know I am scared for them to change schools. Claire's teacher was very emotional today when I told her that tomorrow would be claire's last day. It made me tear up. I am so grateful for the wonderful teachers that my kids have had this year and I pray that their new teachers will be just as wonderful. I am so proud of my children and the way they have adjusted to the changes this last year brought to their lives. They have been through my horrible pregnancy, the birth of a new sibling, the temporary addition of 5 foster children, their dad having a motorcycle accident, dad having 2 major neurosurgeries, moving to a new house, neighborhood and church and now changing schools. They have been troopers through it all. They have handled this last year better than Matt and I have and for that I am grateful. They amaze me everyday. Despite the very difficult time we have had (to say the least) they are still smiling and that makes my heart happy.

Week in Review

2011-03-20T20:51:00.001-07:00

This last week was Spring Break for the kids. It should have been exciting and fun but it was just an "off" kind of week. Claire got sick the day after school got out. Poor girl had managed to avoid the flu all season long and literally the day after they got out of school she came down with a fever, sore throat, stomach ache and double ear infection. Two days later Naomi came down with the same thing minus the ear infection but replaced with teething. It was Nae's birthday on Tuesday and the poor thing was sick. We spent the week resting as much as possible. We were not able to go to the movies or the swimming pool or the park as planned but we did make a trip to the library. So armed with lots of books and an endless selection of movies on Netflix, we spent the week together just the five of us. We were able to have cake and ice cream as a family on Naomi's birthday and it was so fun to watch her eat her cake "hands free" lol. On Thursday I had the pleasure of losing the serpentine pulley on my van. Fortunately I was in my driveway when this happened. Unfortunately there is no money to fix it and so I am without a car for now. Normally this would not be an issue but my children attend school in our old neighborhood which is about 5 miles from here. I tried so hard not to be stressed about the situation. I must say I did an excellent job for about three hours and then the worry set in. I was able to

Today Will Go Down in Garff History

2011-03-11T16:35:00.001-08:00

Today we experienced a miracle. Today will forever be the day that our dreams were handed back to us. On September 3, 2010 Matt and I were told that the dream we had of raising our family together would never be. We were told that Matt would most likely not know us a mere year to two years from now. We were told that the damage to his brain could not be repaired. Our world came crashing down around us. Today we finally feel like we can rebuild. Today we were told after an extensive MRI that the ventricals in Matts brain are shrinking and that where the tissue had been damaged there is now space. This means that the tissue has begun to expand and repair itself. We were told that this could not happen. We were told that he could not get better. They were wrong. Today will always be the day that our world began turning again.

Answered Prayers

2011-03-06T09:12:00.001-08:00

Another week has passed and another weekend has flown by too quickly. I guess it's true that time flies when you're having fun. We were able to go to a birthday BBQ yesterday for Grandma Kathie and Gran B. It was so nice to spend time with our Arizona family. We have been so blessed to be taken in by them. Matt has been a little down because he is having trouble remembering things and feeling like his time with the kids is borrowed. All in all he's just exhausted. We did have a few miracles this week though! After 4 months of literally begging the surgeon's office to see him or at least call us back they did! It was a complete suprize to hear from them. They have sceduled him for several MRI's on March 11th and an appointment on March 15th. This is something we have been praying for. That same day we received a letter of approval for state insurance. Four months ago we lost state insurance which was paying all of our co-pays and saving us so much needed money. Apparently the state has been dropping a lot of people and we were one of the unfortunate families. I applied over and over and it paid off. After being denied three different times for silly reasons that ranged from not enough proof of income to lack of finger printing we were accepted. Just days before the phone interview with our case worker I was grocery shopping. I spent almost the entire time pleading with the Lord to help us get our insurace and food stamps re-instated. The day of the interview I was so sick to my stomach. I prayed again and asked the Lord to help me be as thorough as possible so that we could get our benefits back. Receiving that letter was a testimony to me that the Lord hears and answers prayers. We are still waiting to hear about our food benefits but I have faith that the Lord's will be done. And so even though we are exhausted, this week had a few pick-me-up's that made life seem somewhat easier.

Moments

2011-02-25T13:29:00.001-08:00

Today is finally Friday. This days should have been here about 2 days ago. The kids were not feeling well this morning and so both Claire and Ivan stayed home from school. I am happy to report that there has been a miraculous "healing" at our house and this afternoon they are perfectly fine. So I guess this is our day off and I will shortly be receiving a letter from the school outlining my duties as a parent to make sure my kids attend school. I love those letters. Matt went to the doctor this week. I did not go with him this time. I figured it was time for me to stop being so protective and just let him go alone. Uh...yeah I should have gone. I'm not sure why I thought sending my husband with memory problems to the doctor alone would be productive. I plead complete insanity at this point. Of course there was not much news because he saw the internal medicine doctor again. The doctor did say that the pain and numbness in his arms and legs could be gout. I'm no doctor but I'm thinking if you have no idea what's wrong don't make up some lame ass answer like gout. If it turns out that it is gout I will eat my words but in the meantime my confidence in this doctor is failing. I called the neuro-surgeon AGAIN to find out when his MRI's had been scheduled or rather when and why they hadn't been scheduled. I left a message so we should hear from them a week from never. Can you tell this whole situation is a little frustrating for us? The best way to sum up my feelings for
Dr. B's nurse are found in a quote from one of my favorite shows, "you used to be just sort of unlikeable, but now I feel like punching you everytime you open your mouth!"
So for now we will continue our fight against Doctors Office Idiocy just as we have done for the last 6 months. We are becoming prize fighters!
The week has not been all bad, on Wednesday night I found myself bathing ALL of the children at once and reading stories to them while they were in the bath. Matt had come early because of his Dr.'s appointment and he wandered in the bathroom. There we were, all together, all enjoying ourselves with no thought of illness or finances or obligations. It was just us, our family, doing something that other families do and the normalcy of that moment felt awesome. I even offered up a prayer of thanksgiving for that one little moment. Life is full of crazy for us. It seems to bd a never ending train of crazy but once and a while we make a stop at normal if only for a moment and it is those moments that keep us on track.

For the Kids

2011-02-20T20:03:00.001-08:00

Another week has passed in our new house and I am liking it more and more. For the second week in a row the kids and I have been able to clean the whole house in just a couple of hours on Saturday afternoon and what a blessing that has been. We are attending our second week in our new ward and although it is quite a change of pace compared to our last ward, everyone has been very friendly. It is hard to see the confused stares of people as they pass by the couch where Matt and I can usually be found. I'm sure they are wondering why he is passed out on the cushions as I keep vigil nearby. I liked that we didn't have to explain why in our last ward. I found comfort in their knowledge of our situation. I suppose we need not explain ourselves here, however I hate the staring. I suppose I will just have to get over it. I do find it hard lately to stay beyond sacrament. I find myself thinking there is not much reason if we are just going to be on the couch but I know that we will be blessed simply for coming so that our children can attend primary. The time will come again for Matt and I to attend class when he is well, in the meantime we will continue our time on the couch for the kids.

A Wonderful Feeling

2011-02-17T21:17:00.001-08:00

What a week. As cliche' as it might sound, I am so thankful that tomorrow is Friday. I used to dread the weekend because the house would be trashed by Monday. No matter how hard I tried I could not get the house clean on Saturdays or keep it clean until the following Monday. This is no longer true! As much as it sucked to have to move, I am so grateful for this house! It is so small compared to our last house and I LOVE IT! I am so grateful that we are able to live in a smaller place with so much less stuff. I love that we threw so much away so that we are no longer storing mass amounts of junk that we will never use again! This house is a huge blessing for our family. Tonight I was able to come home from a day away and clean up the toys and sweep and vacuum while making dinner. It was so great to turn on music and have the house clean in half an hour! The kids are actually pitching in because it is not so overwhelming for all of us. They are able to spend time with their dad because he can be in the room where they are and still follow doctors orders. They sleep in their own beds because they are close to us. We no longer fight the "I'm scared to go upstairs by myself" battle! I love it. I feel very blessed. As hard as it was to move away from the awesome friends we had right across the street, this move has been wonderful and as a plus, it's only 5 miles from our friends. Tonight our challenges seem a little less challenging. Tonight my burden seem a little lighter. Tonight I feel less lonely and it is a wonderful feeling.

Update

2011-02-13T19:47:00.001-08:00

We attended our new ward today. Everyone was very nice. It's a much different dynamic than our other ward. We are no longer some of the oldest people there! It was nice to go. I haven't been to church in nearly a month due to illness and although it was hard to find the motivation to go, I did it and I'm glad I did. We are really liking our new house. The smaller one story is perfect for us. I wish we could have stayed in the same neighborhood but we are not far. I will admit I have been homesick this last week but going to church today helped with that. We have been planning a trip to Utah for this summer and I must say it has me anxious to see a lot of people. I'm ready for a vacation! Matt had a good weekend. He was able to get a long nap yesterday while the kids and I cleaned the house so he had energy for the second half of the day. We went to a birthday party for one of my good friends and we had a great time. I was able to catch up on some sleep this weekend and I am so thankful. Eventually I would love to kick this exhaustion! My parents are leaving for the MTC tomorrow. I am sad that we couldn't see them before they go but we will still get to talk to them on the phone often while they are gone. Things have been more restful this weekend and I am so thankful. I love that I can spend more fun time with my kids now that I am not trying to maintain a large house. I am hoping this week will bring more beautiful weather and more restful days.

Let's Get Crazy

2011-02-11T15:24:00.001-08:00

There is something in the air today that feels like spring. I cannot tell if it is the smell or the sounds or just the change in light but it makes me want to leave all of this behind and go somewhere. Just to be able to go, to leave and see where the road takes us would be such a delight. Just to disregard the rules that we live by, you know, the ones that say we have to go to work or school, or that we have to only eat cereal for breakfast and not for dinner. Some unpredictability would be nice on a day like today. I started the morning feeling warn down and tired. Ivan was not feeling well and the thought of spending the day at home seemed nice. I shifted gears as the need to leave the house for a few essentials became obvious and it was nice to visit with those that I was with. I have had a wide range of emotions today. A very good friend of mine, one of my best friends is facing the death of a family member and my heart has ached for her all day. My parents are leaving on Monday for a mission and although I am excited for them to be heading to Nauvoo to preach the gospel, a part of me is very sad that I will not be there to see them off. Naomi will be 2 years old when they return and the thought of that makes me sad. I supposed it's because I haven't seen them for quite some time. These are the reasons for the mixed emotions today. I have treated myself to a day in my scrubs which has been wonderful. I am anxious for the weekend to start. I am ready to spend a few days with Matt. He is so tired and I can't wait to just hang out and watch movies and be together. The water pills that we have been relying on to take away the swelling in Matt's arms and ankles have stopped working. The surgeon has said that she wants an MRI of his pituitary gland with and without contrast, a standard MRI of his brain and an MRI of his cerebral cervical spine. Two weeks ago they said they would schedule it and let us know when they were...we have yet to hear from them. In the meantime he has been told by the doctor not to drink anything so that he does not retain anymore water. Their answer is for him to chew ice all day. I wonder, are they willing to pay the dentist bill for that? lol. I am disappointed in their lack of action. A friend of mine suggested that we go sit in her office waiting room and let the other patients see him so they know what kind of care they will receive if they choose this particular office and I laughed! Wouldn't that be wonderful just to camp in the office until they could no longer refuse to find the answer to his latest symptoms! I think she is on to something. I am looking at the prospect of finding a part time job. In all honesty it is the last thing I want to do. My hands are completely full and my sanity is completely unsteady but I wonder if it wouldn't take some of the pressure off of Matt if he wasn't trying to support us single handedly while being as sick as he has been. I am very anxious about leaving my children with someone and Matt does not have the energy to take care of them in my absence and so I will make sure that this is the right course of action before I rush into anything. As for today, does disregarding the rules and being a little crazy sound great to anyone else???

Has It Only Been One Week?

2011-02-05T17:57:00.000-08:00

A week ago today we were moving in to our new house. I can't believe it has only been one week. I think the more tired you are, the slower time goes. lol. It has been a crazy week ending in the flu for me which is most disappointing because I had a flu shot. I was so blessed to have one of my dearest friends take my kids on Friday from 7am-7pm and I slept all but 3 of those hours! Today I have refused to be sick and let me tell you how well that is working out for me...
Things are good. We are so thankful to be past this moving business and I was feeling like such a slacker because we were not unpacked and then I realized that it has only been a week and so the progress I have made seems phenomenal! Many good things have happened this week despite the exhaustion and the flu.
Ivan had his second flag football game today and he made a Touch Down! I love watching him play, it's so fun! He is getting so big!
Matt's wonderful Aunt Judy called me this week just to chat and she is such an awesome person! It was nice to chat with her. She sent us some books that I can't wait to read. I have got most of our things unpacked. I still have the garage to tackle but it is mostly a matter of organizing because there are very few boxes and tons of bikes and strollers! The laundry is mostly done despite the two days I spent in bed! We were able to take the kids to a birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese today and they had a most awesome time! Matt and I had a most awesome time not paying! I had a chance to help my mom set up her own blog this week. It was cool to have something in common with her. It was neat to share my love of blogging with her. She and my Dad are leaving for a mission to Nauvoo in a week and she wants to be able to share their experiences with us. Their blog address is www.jannandbrentbradford.blogspot.com check it out! The list is longer but I pinched a nerve in my arm when we moved and my two middle fingers are numb so for now this is all. It has been a very long week but most of it was good.

By the Grace of God

2011-01-30T20:10:00.000-08:00

I can't believe we did it. With the help of amazing friends and amazing family we did it. We jumped the latest hurdle in our lives. We are successfully moved into our new home and we love it here but we miss our old neighbors. Isn't it funny how attached we can become to other people? We only moved 5 miles away but it feels like we will never see them again! Our new house is perfect for us. It is one story and today as I was unpacking and doing laundry I was overjoyed (almost to the point of tears) that I wasn't in pain from going up and down the stairs. Last night when Matt was not feeling well he could come to bed. He did not have to sleep in another room. I did not have to make the lonely climb to my bedroom, I could actually walk him to our room and we could sleep in the same bed. What a difference that makes. I am so thankful to everyone that helped us move and I am blessed beyond messure by a loving Father in Law that helped us afford to get into this house. By the Grace of God we have jumped another hurdle that once seemed impossible to us. We are happy.

The Lies I Tell Myself

2011-01-16T20:17:00.001-08:00

Do you ever just wish that things could be silent inside your head? I do. I spend a large majority of my time trying to silence the static within me. Tonight the static has been replaced by the "I'm so tired" thoughts. I'm so tired of it all. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of listening to the lies I tell myself. I'm tired of feeling like I'm on my own. Matt's dad, Step-Mom and sister came down from Utah on Friday. It has been nice to have them here. Matt did really well on Saturday and honestly I bet they were thinking we were crazy with all this talk of adema, kidney failure, congestive heart failure, shunt nephritis, spinal stenosis, etc.
If they were thinking that then their thoughts were most likely suprized today when the symtoms reared their ugly heads today. All day long they have been concerned about the swelling in Matt's legs and hands. They have been suprized about his lack of energy and profuse sweating. They have commented on the puffiness in his face and the slurring of his speech. They didn't realize how bad things have gotten. What's hard for me is that I see these things everyday and I have told people about the symptoms and how terrified I am when they show up but they don't realize what we live with. I can often find the good in our situation, I try very often to count our blessings but tonight I am just overwhelmed by the illness that has taken so much from us.

I Haven't Lost My Mind...Yet

2011-01-11T21:44:00.001-08:00

What can I say that hasn't been said before...today was a hard day but that is okay. On a scale from 0-10 it was a 4 and that is better than my usual 0-2.
I have found that facing the morning is nearly impossible. If I am awake when Matt is getting ready to leave I am overcome with anxiety. It is not uncommon for me to try to bribe him to stay home. The only reason that I can find for this anxiety is my constant state of exhaustion. Matt goes to have labs and an x-Ray of his spine done tomorrow. I pray that they can find a reason for the numbness and pain in his arms and also a reason for his constant swelling.
We have good news however! We have found a one story house in our neighborhood and ward that we are going to put a deposit on this week. This gives me great peace of mind. I am so excited to be staying in the same ward. I just don't have it in me to start over somewhere else unless that somewhere is back in Utah. As much as I would love to move home, I am at home here as well. Things are changing so rapidly in our family that sometimes it is hard to seperate the good from the bad but we are seeing blessings through our trials. The most amazing part about all of this is that although I am constantly in meltdown mode, I haven't lost my mind...yet.

So Much Happening

2011-01-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

It has been quite a week here at the Garff house. Matt had another doctor's appointment and although there were no answers, there was progress. The doctor ordered a vast array of tests and an x-ray of Matt's spine. He had gained another 14pounds of water which is discouraging but the doctor seemed to be right on top of it. He perscribed more diuretics which seem to be helping a little more than the last batch. The doctor is trying to keep Matt out of the hospital and so he has said that Matt has to be in bed lying flat by 8pm everynight so that his diuretics can have the optimum effect. Apparently your kidneys have their best circulation when you are lying down. So this means that Matt get's home from work at 7pm, eats dinner and is off to bed at 8pm. This also means that evenings just got a whole lot harder for me. It has been good though because it forces me to call it a night a little earlier than I have been. We were able to go to church again this week. It has been 2 weeks in a row now, that has to be some kind of new record for us since the surgeries! We make it through sacrament meeting, I get the kids off to classes and then Matt and I can be found on the couch in one of the foyers. Neither Matt or I can sit for too long on the hard metal chairs. By the end of sacrament meeting Matt is spent. He sleeps the rest of the block on the couch and I refuse to leave him there alone. I figure we are where the Lord wants us to be and even though we cannot be in class, we are doing our best and so hopefully that counts. It's a good effort at justification if anything! Ivan started Flag Football this weekend and it was so good to have Matt there to watch. He gave Ivan little pep talks from time to time, it was priceless. I am so glad that we have these moments and they mean even more to us now than they ever would have. Claire had a meeting tonight called "8 Is Great" at our church. She will be turning 8 in 2011 which means that if she wants to she will be baptized a member of the LDS church. She is so excited! I couldn't believe that we were sitting in that meeting with her. Is it really possible that she will be 8 this year??? It was neat to see her so excited about it. I was having mixed feelings about it. I was so happy to see her excitement but I couldn't help but wonder if Matt would be well enough to baptize her or if it would be Grandpa instead. Thoughts like that sneak up on me and are most unwelcome but I am glad that the Lord is giving me the time I need to be able to think about those things and prepare for what might happen. We looked through a house this weekend that we may or may not rent. I have had a feeling of urgency regarding finding a new house and I am having a hard time deciding if it is just my anxiety or a prompting. This week I would like to go to the temple to seek further guidance. I would like to put a deposit down on the house if we are going to stay here but I want to make sure it is the right decision. It was so nice to imagine ourselves in a house where the laundry room is next to the bedrooms and there are no stairs to be conquered by my tired body or Matt's sick one. I hope it works out. I just feel all mixed up inside and I just wish that I could sort through all of this. We are together though and that is all that matters.

Rest for The Weary

2011-01-04T21:42:00.001-08:00

Now that the holidays are over I suppose it is time to prepare for what's next. The hardest part about that is not knowing what comes next. I went out yesterday looking at houses and all I have to say is blah...
The thought of moving yet again is very depressing. What's even more depressing is that before Christmas there seemed to be an abundance of houses in our neighborhood and ward but now that the holidays are through they are scarce. I have to admit that once again I just want to go home. The problem is that home is more than one place for us right now. I can't imagine leaving the friends we have made here but I can't imagine staying and trying to keep going the way we have been going. I can honestly say I just want someone else to take charge and fix what we have messed up so badly.
We head to the doctor tomorrow for Matt. I am dreading it because we will either be told nothing or our fears will be confirmed that his shunt has to be replaced. We are just to exhausted for either answer.
I have thought so much lately (involuntarily) about everything that you can imagine. I am so tired of thinking but there is no way to shut it off. The worst thing that you can do to a person with depression is load them up with stress and leave them alone with their thoughts. I have been comforted by the compassion of others. Our bishop came to us weeks ago and asked if we would be alright if the ward fasted for us. All I could do was cry. This last Sunday everyone was fasting and praying for us. For those of you who do not know what this is, I will explain. As members of the LDS church we fast once a month on the first Sunday. We can fast at other times too but the first Sunday is designated for that purpose. It is a time when we do not eat or drink and we focus on nourishing our spirits. Many times we fast and ask the Lord for help with specific problems. Many also fast for clarity of mind or help in making difficult decisions. In this case, our ward was fasting for our little family. I was so touched that they would be willing to go to the Lord in supplication on our behalf. Perhaps it will help us to get the correct answers from the doctors tomorrow. Even if it does not move mountains for us, I know it has and will help bring us peace. We are being blessed and though the tears are many and the laughter sometimes seldom, the spirit is constant. We are being watched over by an army of angels both here and on the other side of the veil. I do not feel as though I rise well to the challenges that are being put before us. I do not feel as though I can endure these things but somehow I do. Somehow our family "keeps getting up" as one of my best friends would say. I do need to be better about staying on my knees (and maybe doing a little more praying???) on those days that I cannot get up. I am thankful for loved ones who take children when I am not well, for friends who do dishes when I just can't seem to get them done. Perhaps there is rest for the weary, when the weary have friends.

"We Need A Little Christmas"

2010-12-26T20:42:00.001-08:00

Another Christmas come and gone and we had a great time. It was what we needed, just a few days together as a family with nothing (almost nothing) to worry about. Matt was home both Thursday and Friday which was really nice. He needed the break and so did I. He is not well enough to help out like he used to but just having him around helps. It's nice to have someone to back you up when it comes to the kids. This is the first year since we have moved to Arizona that I did not wish we were home in Utah. Don't get me wrong, we missed a lot of people but we wouldn't have traded the weather down here for anything (almost anything). We did not have anyone staying with us over Christmas and it was a little uncomfortable at first. I was not quite sure what to do with myself or how to behave without company here. I quickly got the hang of it though, staying in my pajamas and giving meals little to no thought. Christmas Eve was when the loneliness set in but it was short lived. I was determined not to be down and so I posted on Facebook (my new best-friend) that we needed a little company for dinner and some awesome friends and neighbors came to our rescue. It was so nice to get to know them a little better. We were able to have a wonderful dinner and a great evening. Christmas Day was spent with two of the most wonderful families I know. We had a HUGE breakfast with our wonderful friends across the street who have made life so much more bearable for us here on the nearly vacant end of Whitehall Drive. We were able to special order what we wanted for breakfast which is something my kids never get to do. They had such a good time playing and eating. We spent the afternoon being lazy and then we were off to Grandma Kathie's house to enjoy our new found family here in AZ. There were so many gifts given to our family that were completely unexpected. My heart was touched to realize that they truly mean it when they say that we are family now. God sent these two families to us when we needed them the most. They have been our comfort and joy. Today (the day after Christmas) was harder for us. Both Matt and I were not feeling very well today and so we took turns sleeping and cleaning and sleeping and feeding and did I mention sleeping??? Matt has been a little more forgetful and a felt a little worse this weekend but I am grateful that we got to spend it with him. I wish I would have gotten more pictures and more video of him with the kids but he slept a lot this weekend. I am grateful that we had this lucid Christmas with him and I am praying for more.

A Nice Visit

2010-12-18T00:01:00.001-08:00

Tonight we had the chance to visit with a friend from Utah. He was passing through arizona (he drives a semi) and we were able to spend some time with him. Matt has known Kevin since they were kids and it was great to see them together again. It was potentially dangerous but anyone who knows Matt and his childhood friends knows this. I took the camera to get a picture of the two of them together and I am so glad I did. Matt has been doing a lot better lately with his memory but we are still working in "just in case" mode. So just in case it is the last time Matt sees Kevin while he is lucid, we have photographs. This kind of situation used to send me over the edge. I would cry for hours at the thought of it and now I only cry once and a while. I am grateful for the ability to adapt and the comfort that I have been afforded.

My Best Friend

2010-12-11T00:43:00.000-08:00

Tonight Matt and I had the pleasure of attending his annual company Christmas party. I say pleasure because we have not had the opportunity to go out since we last went to a hotel courtesy of some super awesome friends. We also haven't had the opportunity to dress up and go fancy for some time. I was so happy for the occasion that I bought a new outfit, shoes, purse and had my hair colored (again by above said super awesome friend). We had a great time. There was dinner and dessert and dancing. Matt and I did not dance because neither of us felt up to it (due to shear exhaustion from recent events) but we had a great time sitting at the table and talking. It was so nice to have un-interrupted time with him. It was so nice not to have kiddo's crawling all over me fighting for my attention. I think the best part about tonight is that Matt was feeling better than he has for a while now. It was time spent enjoying one another and not worrying about swollen ankles, medications, blood pressure, shunt pressure etc. For tonight, Matt was not sick and I was not worrying. I was not calling in medications, leaving messages for doctor's on call or wondering if we should take him to the hospital for the latest (and greatest) symptom. He was playful and smiling and I loved every minute of it. We have fallen into these patient/care-giver roles ever since the surgeries and sometimes it is just so nice not to be those people for a few hours. Matt spent the evening getting me coke and chocolate and I spent the evening enjoying every minute being spoiled. I am so thankful that I am married to my best-friend. I cannot imagine being married to anyone else. What we have is awesome. Things have been so hard for us for the last 2 years. We have had more trials than I ever thought possible but we are still together and holding strong. This Wednesday we celebrate 9years of being sealed for Eternity. What a blessing it is to know that when this life is over we have eternity to spend together. These last 3 months have been nearly unbelievable for our family and for Matt. He has gone through so much that seems so unfair and yet his attitude is amazing. I only wish I were enduring this trial half as graciously as he is. I am so lucky to be living, loving and learning with my best friend.

Thankful for Each Other

2010-12-09T13:03:00.000-08:00

Last night Claire Bear and I had a fight. She and I are so much alike that often we clash in many areas. Last night was particularly hard on both of us and neither of us acted very grown-up. When I found out that I was going to be a mother I knew joy that I had never known before. Since the day that Claire was born I have been absolutely in love with her. So it has been for each child that has followed, those that have joined our family and those that we lost. I knew that motherhood was not an easy task, I knew that I would be tired and over worked but somehow I was not prepared for the emotional aspect of it all. As my children get older and become individuals I find myself more and more terrified of them! LOL. With all of the stress that has been plaguing our family tempers have been flaring. Last night after the house was quiet and I had spent sometime with myself I decided to wake Claire up and tell her how sorry I was. I am so thankful that I did that. It was just us, no other children to interrupt and we were able to just be sorry together. I am amazed how easily children forgive. What an example they are to us hard-headed adults. Today when I was out I was thinking of her. I was missing her. It seems that every afternoon I start to miss her and there are many times I am tempted to take her out of school just to spend some time with her. Well, today I wanted to stop by with a little gift and let her know just how much I love her. I stopped at her classroom and she was so surprised to see me. I told her that I missed her and that I was so sorry that we had fought the night before and that I just wanted to give her a hug. I am so glad that I chose to stop instead of waiting until the end of the school day. It made my day better just to see her smiling face and feel her arms around me. She and I have been through a lot together and being the oldest she is going to go through more than the others before all is said and done. Having her dad unwell has been hard on her and I need to remember that. She and I are going to have to stick together through all of this. I feel so blessed to have the children I have. I know that we won't always get along but God has given us so much to be thankful for, each other.

That's a Big "If"

2010-12-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

"The first 24 hours after surgery are critical. Every breath you take, every fluid you make, is meticulously reported and analyzed. Celebrated or mourned. But what about the next 24 hours? What happens when that first day turns to weeks and weeks turn into months? What happens when the immediate danger has passed, when the machines are disconnected and the teams of doctors and nurses are gone? Surgery is when you get saved, but post-op, after surgery, is when you heal. But, what if you don't?" (Meredith Grey; Grey's Anatomy Season 7)
I cannot imagine a better way to put my feelings into words than the above quote. Seeing Matt after his first surgery just 3 short months ago was terrifying. I sat and waited for what seemed like hours for the damn nurse to come and get me. I sat alone and scared. I felt so little. I felt so alone. I needed my mother and she wasn't there and I am mad about that. How childish is that? I am 30 years old and all I wanted was my mother. All I still want is my mother. I will admit it out loud, right now. I think it is the first time I have put it out there. She doesn't even know that and I am too childish to tell her that. I am too childish and too scared because I know she will tell me that I am strong enough to do this, I am strong enough to make this work and that is an answer I sincerely disbelieve. When the nurses finally did come to get me I followed quickly and quietly. Had I known that our world would change forever that day perhaps I would have slowed my steps just a little. I would have dragged my feet and cherished the last few steps of ignorance I would ever walk. The first 24 hours after Matt's surgery were nearly identical to the above quote. I watched the monitors, I watched the fluid drain from his head and I obsessed over every sound that he and the monitors made. I think that because my mother was not there to hold my hand I turned into a version of her and I shut my sad and scared little self away somewhere. To this day I have been shutting that sad and scared little part of myself away. Once and a while she will try to surface and I will get a glimpse of her and I hate her. I hate her for her weakness and her fear. I hate her for her obsession and her worry. I have been watching him ever since. I have been silently charting every noise and symptom that present themselves. I have been analyzing every little part of him that is or is not working right and it is driving me mad. The sad and scared person inside of me is pushing her way to the surface and unfortunately although while she is pushed deep down inside she is quiet, when she surfaces she is angry and hurtful. She cannot handle the changes that are flying at her so fast...I cannot handle the changes that are flying at me so fast. What's even worse is that I am selfish enough to feel all of this when I am not even the one who had the surgery. I am not the one in and out of the hospital every month. Is it possible that it is just as hard for the caretaker as it is for the patient? Surgery is when they saved my husband, when they gave him back to me. Now that surgery is over and we are home, I feel him slipping from me. The countdown has started and I haven't even begun to heal. The race has begun and I haven't even made it to the starting line. This illness, this surgery has left a hole in our lives. Matt is beginning to heal but with major set backs at every turn. I have not yet begun to heal. I still want my mother. I want someone to take me into their arms and tell me that everything will be alright. To tell me that my husband will get better and we will be happy once again. To tell me that I will be able to stop worrying that he will die. To tell me not to be afraid of him, that it is okay to touch him and that I will not break him. I want us to be able to go back to the life we had and that will never again happen. I want him to be the strong one, I don't want to be in charge anymore. I want it to be okay to be scared and sad all at the same time and have someone else pick up the pieces. Would that I could tell that sad, scared little person inside of me that it is okay to face the world without being angry. I want to tell her that things will be okay physically for Him and emotionally for her. I cannot think of a better way to express my feelings about the future than with the following quote:
"The goal of any surgery is total recovery - to come out better than you were before. Some patients heal quickly and feel immediate relief. For others the healing happens gradually, and it's not until months or even years later that you realize you don't hurt anymore. So the challenge after any surgery is to be patient. But if you can make it through the first weeks and months, if you believe that healing is possible, then you can get your life back. But that's a big if."
(Meredith Grey; Grey's Anatomy Season 7)

A Lifetime of Smiles Lost

2010-12-07T18:41:00.000-08:00

Once again Matt was in the hospital for several days. He was able to come home on Sunday. It was a crazy weekend. Claire had her 7th birthday party and he was not there. He was sad about it but he probably would have hated it, it was 14 girls in one house. He is doing much better and home now and hopefully will not have to go back. Despite the hard weekend things around here weren't too bad. I have decided however that it is getting harder and harder to deal. I just don't feel like doing anything. I've been hurt by people closest to me and I have decided that I just can't care anymore. I can't keep trying to be friends with people who just don't want to be friends with me, wether we are "related" or not. I am so thankful for the family that I have chosen. I Guess depression has gotten the best of me lately because I just don't care anymore. I just keep trying to make things better and it seems like the more I try the harder they get (Just in case you weren't aware, this is me throwing a pity party). I have often wondered how much heartache one can endure before it get's the better of you and I beleive that I am going to find that limit very soon. I am so tired of having the same fights over and over, I am so tired of being treated like I don't matter by the very people that should love me the most. I am so tired of being invisible. It's as if I am not a real person to some. It's as if I am expected not to have feelings. What they don't understand is that it has been years and years of heartbreak and I just keep taking it. Well I can't take it anymore. I just can't. You can only walk the same path for so long without getting anywhere before you must choose another path. There is a person inside of me, somewhere hidden inside that thinks to herself that leaving wouldn't be that hard. Leaving those people who don't appreciate me far behind. There is a longing to take my little family and disappear. I have come to some very hard but necessary conclusions lately and although they are not one's I would have liked to have to make, I know that in the end they will make me a happier, healthier person. I will no longer strive for the approval of those who neither uplift nor respect me. I will no longer pretend that it does not hurt when I am lied to, talked about or put down (you know who you are people). I have been presented the ultimate example of what family should be. I have met a family that in their own words "sometimes want to kill each other but would always kill for each other" and it is amazing to see the way they interact. They always want to be together. They are best friends. I am thankful that they have taken us in because I can no longer try to belong to my husbands family. I can no longer look upon the rejection I have been shown and pretend it doesn't hurt. I am thankful for a father in law and a mother in law that have shown unconditional love and respect for me but the rest of them unfortunately will miss out on a lifetime of smiles from my little family.

Can't Find My Niche

2010-12-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if today is a blogging sort of day but I am itching to write and so here it goes. Today has been long. I have not felt well this week, fibromyalgia has gotten the better of me but some days are better than others and I am thankful for that. The kids are playing outside (which is so odd to me because it's December) and I have a moment to myself which can be a dangerous thing. For reasons I cannot understand I have not wanted Matt to go to work this week. I have been afraid to face the days without him. It's not as if I want him here to do anything or take care of anything in particular, I just want his company. Matt has not been sleeping well lately, his arms are numb and tingling the majority of the time and it keeps him awake. Last night I felt so guilty for being able to sleep because he was up. I never realized that I would worry about him so much. He probably hates it but I am definitely the "mothering" type. His hours at work have changed which makes life around here seem a little more lonely. He is gone an extra hour into the evening and I hate it. Without him here I feel as though I don't fit. I have to change that, especially given our circumstances. This afternoon has been rough for me. I have watched the world going on around me from my front room window and for some reason I don't feel like a part of it. I think the term I am looking for is lonely. Today I feel lonely. I am sure the vast majority of my readers are thinking "again?" and the answer is yes, again. I'm not sure what to do to make this lonely feeling go away. Two weeks ago my solution was to leave the house, run as far away from it as I could but I always came back to lonely. I have determined that the loneliness is probably coming from within and leaving the house was merely a distraction from what I was carrying around inside. Living here has been such a change from living in Utah. In Utah I was needed. I had friends that needed me as much as I needed them and as exhausting as it was to be there for everyone all of the time, it fulfilled some dysfunctional need inside of me. Living here has been awkward and different. People seem to already have what they need in others or they have family nearby. I guess I just haven't found my niche yet and I am ready to find it. I am ready to find the place where I belong. That place will have to be discovered within long before I can feel accepted by the others around me. I just don't understand why being happy with one's self is so trying.

Forgiveness

2010-11-26T18:02:00.000-08:00

Our Thanksgiving was a quiet one. We spent some time at a friends house with great people and wonderful food. We had to leave early because Matt's legs and feet were swelling. We spent the remainder of the day at home as a family, Matt's legs elevated watching movies. I was so grateful that Blockbuster was open or our Thanksgiving would have been very lonely and very quiet. The day had started out on a sour note. I had slept in until 9am. I have been so exhausted without good reason but never the less, I have been dragging. When I came down stairs my kids had made such a mess of the downstairs. I was so upset because some of my best friends had spent an entire weekend cleaning the place and I had managed to keep it clean all week. It was more than I could take. The baby was ready for a nap and so I put her down and I left. I left Matt with the kids and I drove. I drove into the next city and bought myself breakfast and then headed up the canyon. It was just me, the road and a good CD. I don't know where I was going or what I was expecting out of the journey, I just knew I needed out. I drove up the canyon for more than 30 miles. I enjoyed the winding road and the freedom ahead of me. I tried not to think of what I had left behind...a mess. I realized on that drive that I am very unhappy. I am not unhappy with my little family or what the Lord has blessed me with but I am unhappy with myself. I also decided that until I could forgive myself for being who I am I will not be happy with the things that the Lord has given me. I have not been in a Thankful mood so far this season. Other have expressed daily what they are thankful for and although I could make a list miles long of the things that I have been blessed with and am thankful for, I have not wanted to. I have been angry, not thankful. I do believe that had I chosen to participate in this exercise of thankfulness my attitude would have been drastically different but I just didn't want to. I was just too tired to even try. Instead I have turned my attention inward and not liking at all what I have seen I have self-medicated with silly things like buying socks (Leilani that was for you). Not liking what I have seen within I have spent a tremendous amount of time lately trying to change everything. Guess what...none of it has worked. This time of year is a time for thankfulness but it is also a time for forgiveness and I have a large list of things to forgive myself for. I realize that this is not a small task and that it will take years and lot's of help from others and from the Savior but I feel I have made a major breakthrough just by realizing where the problem lies. All this time I have been blaming our circumstances for my unhappiness when in reality if circumstances were different I would most likely be just as unhappy. The secret is, deep down inside, somewhere I do not allow myself to go very often I have learned to hate myself. I have allowed myself to hurt me in ways that I would never let anyone else. I have neglected and abused myself. Through the wisdom of the words of another woman who found herself in a similar predicament, I began to realize that it was time to stop hating myself and start forgiving myself.
The list is endless but here are 10 of the things that I am going to learn to forgive myself for, no matter how long it may take.

1. I forgive myself for having a "muffin top." No, seriously I forgive myself for the condition of my body. It has been something I have hated for as long as I could remember. I forgive myself for not being able to do things with my body that other mothers can, like run along side my childs bike or play kick ball with them. I forgive myself for wearing a size 18-20 (that's right, I said it out loud). I forgive myself for not being able to resist things like Costa Vida and Oreo's. I forgive myself for not being able to fit into the cute clothes that all of my friends are sporting. Somehow I will learn to love all 236 pounds of myself(close your mouths, shock is unbecoming and hurtful).

2.I forgive myself for being needy. I know it and those of you who are my friends know it. I absolutley hate this about myself but it is something I am going to forgive and hopefully change.

3. I forgive myself for not being the perfect mother. We've all seen them and wished that we were them. I am sick of telling myself that they have faults too because their worst attributes would probably outweigh my best anyday but I am doing the best I can and so I forgive myself for my shortcomings and will forgive myself everyday for not doing it right, and then try to do it right.

4. I forgive myself for not being able to see the bright side of things all of the time. I forgive myself for feeling despair (a lot) and crying. I forgive myself for not being stronger and I will strive to find strength in everyday God chooses to give me.

5. I forgive myself for being on depression medication (that's right, I'm crazy as a loon). I forgive myself for not being able to face a lot of situations without the help of my little green pills. I forgive myself for needing a "chemical smile." I forgive myself for wanting to admit myself to the psyc ward a lot of the time just to get a break. And most of all I forgive myself for wanting to verbally abuse the people who try to tell me I don't need to, because they simply cannot understand.

6. I forgive myself for the lies that I have believed. I forgive myself for believing that my husband settled for less than what he deserved. I forgive myself for believing I am not everything that my family needs.

7. I forgive myself for being angry at myself for being angry(wow that didn't make a lot of sense) that my husband is sick. I forgive myself for hating everything that has happened to him and in turn to us. I forgive myself for being angry at the things that his illness has taken from us.

8. I forgive myself for not wanting to be the rock for this family all of the time. I forgive myself for wanting to walk out the door sometimes. I forgive myself for the fact that somedays are just too much for me.

9. I forgive myself for not being able to keep an un-cluttered house. I forgive myself for needing the help of others to organize and clean this place. I forgive myself for not having the physical or emotional strength for this square footage.

10. I forgive myself for not always feeling thankful for my circumstances. This does not mean I am not thankful for them, this just means that somedays it sucks and I am just going to let it suck. I forgive myself for letting it suck somedays.

This is just skimming the top but a girl has to start somewhere. And sometimes starting is the hardest part.

An Answer to Prayer

2010-11-21T16:02:00.001-08:00

It was one week ago today that I sat in a church meeting, tears streaming down my face, silently pouring my heart out to the Lord. The tears were the only evidence that I was struggling. I hated those tears. I hated them for the mere fact that they exposed the truth I was trying so hard to conceal. The truth was I was not okay. The truth was I needed help. That day the Lord sent me a friend. He reminded me that I was not alone. Today he sent more help. We have struggled so much since we moved to Arizona. I think by far right now has been the worst time of all. Last Sunday as I sat in church I plead with the Lord for help. I had reached my breaking point. I had reached a point where I knew I could no longer continue. My house had become overwhelming. My kids had become overwhelming because I was so stressed about my house. I wanted help, I needed help but I just didn't know how to ask for it. I didn't know who to ask. I felt an overwhelming burden and all I could think to do was turn it over to the Lord. Throughout the week I tried and failed at cleaning the house. Although I threw out piles and piles of un-needed things, there was always more. I knew I just had to keep myself going until Saturday. A family that we have been blessed to be a part of arranged for Matt and I to go to a hotel for a night. Saturday came and that morning I was desperately trying to get everyone ready to go and clean the house so I would not come back to more work. I just couldn't get things in order and so we simply left. The hotel stay was amazing. We had room service, a jetted tub and in-room movies. We couldn't have asked for a better time but our real miracle was waiting at home. What we came home to was the help I had been so earnestly praying for. While we were away, Cassie, Sara and Kathy, our miracle workers and friends had cleaned, organized, scrubbed, washed...you name it, they did it. My house is incredible. I have counters again. I can see my appliances, the mountains of papers and junk are organized and put away. It truly was the miracle I had been too proud to ask for. God had heard my prayer and answered it with some of the most loving people I know. I could do nothing but cry. This meant so much to me. This was an insurmountable job for me and they understood that and did not hesitate. I will never be able to repay them. There are not words to tell them how much this miracle means to me. I only hope someday to be to the answer to their prayers as they were to mine today. The Lord has shown me once again how much he loves me by sending some of the kindest and most Christ-like people into my life.

Thank Goodness for Medicine, Herbs and Neighbors!

2010-11-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

All in all today was a good day and I needed that so much! We spent the morning in the pediatricians office because Ivan has a bite on the back of his leg that has gotten infected. They started him on an antibiotic and made a big circle around the infected area. They told me to watch it throughout the day and if it passed that circle we needed to go to the hospital for some IV antibiotics. He went to school and his teacher kept and eye on it for me. When I went to pick him up she said it had spread and sure enough, it had. I gave him the first dose of his antibiotic and hoped it would not reach the outer limits of that dreaded circle. We played outside well into the evening and then came in for baths. When he got in the bath I noticed that the redness and swelling had reached the edge of the circle but not surpassed it. I figured it was time to head to the hospital. I called the pediatrician and he said to give him one more dose of the antibiotic tonight and watch it. I did that and watched as nothing happened and it stayed quite red and swollen. He began to complain that his leg hurt and so again I figured it was time to go to the hospital. I called the doctor again and he said it was up to me and then told us which hospital to go to if we went. I just kept going back and forth between whether or not to go. Poor Ivan has spent a lot of time in the hospital this year and I am more than tired of seeing the inside of emergency rooms. Because the doctor did not seem to concerned I decided that I would say a prayer and see if that helped my feeling one way or another. After praying I decided that we would try a few things at home. I called my Mother in law who is great with herbal remedies (she helped us with a few spider bites this last summer in Utah) and asked her what I needed to help this situation. She told me that I needed some Plantain. Right then I knew that I was in trouble because first of all I have never heard of the stuff and second I live in the middle of nowhere and Plantain is not something that you would find in abundance here. I decided to give it a shot and post on facebook that I was in need of Plantain and wouldn't you know it, a friend in the ward had some growing in her back yard! I was feeling better about my decision with each passing moment and small miracle. I brought some leaves home and made a salve for Ivan's leg and wrapped it. We had a friend come over and help Matt give him a priesthood blessing and now we are just letting the herbs, the antibiotics and the Lord do their work. I have a very good feeling that he will be much improved by morning and if not then I have no issue taking him to the hospital then. We will see what happens. I am thankful for the diverse relationships I have. I am thankful to be a part of a community and a religion where we can rely on one another for something as simple as Plantain and something as big as cleaning each other's houses. I miss home but I feel the roots here growing stronger and I am so thankful to the Lord for making me feel accepted, and less lonely here. All in all, today was a good and productive day.

We Did It!

2010-11-14T21:10:00.001-08:00

Today was regional stake conference for our church and we made it! It is the first time we have been to stake conference as a family in years! We even stayed the whole time because everyone but Naomi and me fell asleep. It was a nice meeting. Naomi was very fussy and so I was in and out and I don't remember too many specifics but I am so proud and grateful that we went. It is the first "normal" thing I feel like we have accomplished in a long time. It was something that seemed impossible but we did it. We went almost an hour early so that we would have a bench to sit on and the kids were so good. Before we had left the house I felt so overwhelmed and discouraged. It feels like I am the only one trying to keep things going. I am the only one that seems to be cleaning up the house or taking care of business unless I yell and scream at the family to help. I hate that I am the bad guy. I hate that I get so angry about our house getting messy but it is such a defeating feeling to work so hard to clean up the house only to have my efforts undone within a matter of hours. I think it would not make me so angry if I didn't hurt all of the time. You see, cleaning the house or even a room when you have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue is like trying to climb a mountain without legs, it's impossible or nearly so without help. I don't go straight to angry when I see what the kids have done to their rooms, first comes sadness, desperation and then anger. I am literally holding back tears most of the time. Matt used to be my relief and now that he no longer feels well enough to help I am on my own. What is even worse is when I see him helping and see him hurting because I know how bad it is. I am very anxious to move into a smaller house, one that is more manageable. Furthermore I am very anxious to continue ridding ourselves of the unnecessary things that fill the extra space in this house. We have too much "stuff." I truly believe that before all is said and done we are going to have to bring in someone to help me. I am not physically or emotionally able to carry this load by myself. As I sat in conference and thought about this I started to cry. I just sat there on the bench and cried. A friend of mine asked if I was okay and it was the first time I didn't hesitate to say "no, I'm not." I am so glad it was her, I know she understands a little of what I'm feeling and without hesitation she offered to come help clean the house. She had been coming to ask us over for dinner. It was PERFECT timing. I am so glad that she had the feeling that I needed help and that she asked if I did and then offered help. She is an amazing friend. I am so grateful for the friends that I have. I am so thankful that the Lord has seen fit to bring loving, selfless, compassionate people into my life. I hope to be more like them. I hope to learn from their examples. I hope to be worthy of the friendships the Lord has given me. To all of my friends, I love you and am so grateful for you.

Who Will Clean Up The Mess?

2010-11-09T20:33:00.000-08:00

Stress is a body's reaction to a situation that requires the need for change or adjustment. Stress can manifest itself in emotional, physical and mental symptoms. Stress can be a healthy response to an unhealthy situation. What happens when stress has no end? What happens when one stressful situation turns into another which in essence turns into another and it has no break in between? That is what I like to call overload. What can overload do to a person? Look at me, I am a living example of human overload. At what point can the human body, mind and soul no longer handle the overload and merely settles into a state of shock. I am waiting for that to happen. I just keep thinking that at some point these emotions that I am feeling are going to be too much to bear and I will simply withdraw into a state of shock. It doesn't seem to be happening. I do not feel that my body is welded together with enough strength to withstand the force of stress that is building inside. I feel the stress and the overload chipping away from the inside. I feel the pressure expanding within me and in a way I wish that I could just withdraw, say "to hell with it all" and give up. Giving up seems like such a wonderful alternative right now. I know that most of you are probably tired of hearing me ramble on and on day after day about how hard things are and if that is the case I can hardly blame you I will simply invite you to stop reading my blog. With that said, I need help. I need so much help I don't even know where to start asking for help. The smallest problems or tasks seem to add weight to my burdens that I just simply cannot bear. I spend my days smiling and doing my best to make it through. I use humor to try and make myself and everyone around me feel like what I am dealing with is okay and the truth is, it's not working. We recently filed Bankruptcy. Certain people I know would be horrified to know that I am telling you all this, that I am letting it out in the open but the truth is, life is tough and it's my business to share it with whom I choose. We had our trustee hearing this last week and all went really well. There is only one more matter of business and then all is discharged and we can breathe a huge sigh of relief. The problem is that this one matter of business has turned into a grandiose problem because someone did not do their job right. Some person who is paid far too little to do a job that they hate made a mistake that could be catastrophic to our situation. When Matt had his accident this last June his father came to our rescue and sold us a car. He was listed as the lien holder on the title because we have been paying him what little money we can here and there. When my husband went to register the vehicle here in AZ they issued a new title without my father in law on the title as a lien holder. The trustee in our bankruptcy wants to see a copy of the title with my father in law as the lien holder. Well, no problem right? I simply go to the MVD and have them issue a new title with my father in law as the lien holder and all is well...I wish it were that easy. There is one tiny catch. We bought the vehicle in June and that is when the new title was issued. If I get another title issued tomorrow and they will not list June 12 as the date the lien was incurred, all of the money that we have paid to my father in law for this car so far can be ordered back to the trustee. We are not talking a small amount of money either, we are talking thousands. It is ridiculous to me that something as simple as a date on a piece of paper can determine such a huge outcome for our family. I am so overwhelmed that I feel as if I could cry for days and it just wouldn't be enough. Nothing physical has ever hurt as bad as my heart has hurt these last 5 months. This is a very depressing post I know and I promise that they will not all be like this but I had to get this out. The saddest part about this whole thing is that I wanted someone to call and cry to. I wanted someone to call and ask for help but I find that I am that person for most other people and so when the time came for me to lean on someone else there was no one there. This is my problem and mine alone. Even my husband gets to go to work while I throw myself at the mercy of the MVD and we all know how cooperative they can be. I just can't handle anymore responsibility, stress and above all overload. I want somehow for it all to stop. Perhaps the fairy tales have it all right. Perhaps being locked in a tower asleep for one hundred years isn't such a bad idea at all. Right now it seems like such a wonderful alternative to dealing with life's "little" problems. I just wonder when enough will be enough. I wonder at what point I will explode into a thousand pieces and just who will clean up that mess when I am not around to do it?

A Gift

2010-11-08T22:15:00.001-08:00

Tonight Matt and I were given the greatest gift from some of our greatest friends. They arranged for Matt and I to have a night away at a hotel. They are going to take the kids overnight for us and we can just be alone and enjoy each other. I don't know if these friends will ever realize what a special gift this is. The last time that Matt and I spent time alone was in the ICU at St. Joseph's hospital. I am so excited to have this time with him. I am so excited to spend time alone with him watching movies and relaxing instead of watching monitors and praying the pressure in his head would stay below 20. Those were some of the scarriest moments of my life. He is doing so much better now and what a way to celebrate his ongoing recovery. I am hoping that my emotional recovery from all of this will continue. So far I have been blessed with a tremendous amount of strength and comfort but I can feel myself struggling. I haven't been able to face the nights at our house since we came home from the hospital. I have a horrible time going to sleep. I am so afraid of the silence that falls over the house when everyone is sleeping. I cannot control the thoughts that creep in when all is quiet. It is at these times that I turn to God in prayer asking for comfort. I know it sounds silly but I lie awake listening to Matt and with every sound he makes my heart pounds with the fear that something may go wrong. Is it positive to have post traumatic syndrome when something like this happens? If so I'm pretty sure I've got it. I have had many good days and I am so thankful for them. I do wish I could spend these days with Matt. It is a desperate feeling to watch him leave for work knowing that he does not feel well. I have kept my days very busy lately so that I don't have time to be sad and for the most part it works. Today I took Nora and Naomi shopping after we dropped Ivan at school and it took so much self control not to just drive to Matt's work. I must have called him 10 or more times just to hear his voice. I just miss him so much when we aren't together. I have always loved my husband but I did not know that I was capable of loving someone this much. I pray everyday that we will be given more time but the truth is there will never be enough time here on Earth. I am so thankful for the knowledge that he and I are eternally bound. The sands of time may run dry for us in this life but there is an eternity of happiness waiting for us. What a blessing this is. It is true there are days when eternity seems so far away but we are building that eternity right now and I am so thankful to be building it with my best friend.

2010-11-07T23:32:00.001-08:00

"Organize yourselves, prepare every needful thing."

Today I began organizing myself, my house and my family. We went to church for the first time in several weeks. I am so grateful we were able to go. I am so grateful that no one was sick or in the hospital. It was fast and testimony meeting and it was so nice to attend. I really enjoy our ward. There are so many incredible people who are willing to serve one another. After church we came home for lunch and a nap. Matt and I both fell asleep with the little one's which left Claire and Ivan to their own devices. This is never a good scenario. All of the cleaning I had done over the weekend had been undone by the time we awoke. I am proud to say that although I was angry and the kids did get reprimanded, for the most part I kept my cool. I knew if I stayed in the mess I would lose it and so I packed up the family and we went for a drive. We ended up at Walmart which had not been my original plan. There was no premeditation about breaking the Sabbath but I am hoping that there will be some understanding by all because it kept me from lashing out at my children. At Walmart I cleaned them out of clear plastic storage bins. My house has been in dire need of organization and I could not stand to be in the mess any longer. So tonight after coming home from Walmart the organizing began. I am proud to say that there were many full trash bags thrown away and the pile for the Good Will is now going to take more than one trip. I feel so much better tonight. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I want to organize us and be prepared for what the Lord has in store for us. I feel I am well on my way to a cleaner and less burdensome home.

The Family God Has Given Me

2010-11-06T22:55:00.001-07:00

Today was a remarkably better day compared to those of last week. Lately Saturdays have been a hard and trying day for me but with the help of my wonderful husband, Xanax, a nap and a few cokes, my day was okay. I have been having a very hard time being the mom lately. As if being a mother is not stressful enough, you add the current events of our lives and you have one hot mess. I love my children. My children are an absolute in my life that I cannot be without. I feel however that I am not doing any justice to the title of motherhood. The children sense the stress in our lives, I am sure of it. They are pushing all of the right buttons at just the right rimes and I feel that it is no coincidence. You would think that as their mother I would understand this and find a way to help them find some sense of normal but instead I become angry. I feel betrayed by their lack of understanding of the situation which is ridiculous. They are far too young and thankfully too innocent to understand the hardships that life can bring us. I just don't want to be their hardship. I want so much to make a positive imprint on their lives and I don't feel that my actions of late have been in any way positive. I am so thankful for the concept of repentance. I am thankful that it can be applied in every aspect of our lives. There are many days when I feel like I have fallen short of being the righteous wife and mother I should be. I am so thankful that on those days I can use the steps of repentance to find my way back to my Heavenly Father and find my way back into the good graces of my family. I have an amazing husband and phenomenal children who forgive me for my weaknesses and strive to help me find my way back to happiness when it is lost to me. It is amazing to me that my children can come to me with a hug and an "I love you mom" only moments after I have lost my temper with them. It is amazing to me that my husband knows just what to do with the children when I lose my temper. He calmly shepherds them into cleaning the mess that has driven me over the edge. He sweetly reads them a story to calm them down when they are throwing a fit that I do not have the patience to deal with. The concept of forgiveness and love in itself is amazing. I hope and pray that I can teach my children forgiveness and show them enough love that they will be willing to forgive me when I fall short. God has blessed me with an amazing family and with everything that has happened with our little family in the last two and a half years I realize more and more why God placed us together. Matt and I couldn't be better matched. He is my best friend. He makes me smile when it feels like there is nothing worth smiling about. Claire is so independent. There have been so many times during these hard times that she has taken upon herself to pick up my slack. Simple things like washing her sisters hair or making toast for her brother have been things she does without complaint. They are simple tasks that at times seem insurmountable to me and she can sense that. She and I struggle to get along but I love her fiercly and pray that she can feel that. Ivan has an enthusiasm that amazes me. He is determined and his will is strong. It is these qualities that sometimes drive me crazy but I am so thankful for them. I am greatful for the enthusiasm he has for playing with the baby when I just need a break. I am so thankful for his prayers at dinner time asking Heavenly Father to help him and his sisters to be good, his daddy to get better and his mommy to be nice. I know God hears his prayers. I am so thankful for the comic relief that Nora brings to our family. Her laugh is amazing, it has a melody all it's own, it makes me laugh. Laughing is not something I do too often anymore. I love the silly things she says from time to time that remind me of her innocence. She is a joy to me. Naomi...there is such a soft place in my heart for Naomi Grace. She is my miracle. She is such a happy child. During this time of sorrow and uncertainty for our family, Naomi is a constant source of wonderment. She truly is like her name, a testament to Gods grace. I hope to live to be worthy of the family that God has given me. I will continue to strive to be better for them and I know with Gods help I can be worthy of the blessing they are to me.

Where Do I Go From Here?

2010-11-04T23:17:00.001-07:00

I think I am officially losing what little sanity I have left. I have done so well so far. There have been minimal breakdowns and more good days than bad but I am starting to wonder if that is really the best thing for me right now. I have moved forward, keeping myself so busy in an attempt to distract myself from what feelings lie deep within and I am afraid that they ate starting to surface. Tonight I did a bad thing. I screamed and yelled at my 6 year old daughter because the upstairs was covered in toys. I completely blew up and immediately felt horrible. The worst part is that when I went to apologize she had already fallen asleep. I am not being the best mother I can be right now. I am struggling so bad and until now I have hid it fairly well from everyone except those closest to me. I don't think I can hide it anymore. I am so angry. What makes it even worse is that there Is no one to be angry at! This is no ones fault. I am overwhelmed and I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to admit that I can't do it by myself anymore. Now that Matt is not feeling well, I am facing a whole new set of challenges. I am now trying to clean a house on my own, I am trying to juggle four kids on my own. I am fighting with insurance companies on my own and I don't even have the energy to get dressed most days. I think I really need to go to therapy but what am I supposed to say? That I am angry that life has gone from bad to worse in the last 2 years? That I am angry that most nights I fall asleep alone in my bed because my husband cannot get up the stairs to our bedroom? That I am angry that I don't have more patience for my children and that I feel like I have already done irreperable damage to them? That I am angry that my family has not come to see me since all of this happened? That I am angry that I can't make things better for my husband and children? The list goes on and on. I have been avoiding the anger phase thinking I was doing something healthy, something positive but I realize now that I have merely been hiding my feelings. I am starting to feel the anger and it scares me. I am not quite sure what to do with it. I feel like I am letting everyone down if I succumb to this anger but I also feel like it is the only option. I feel as If I will fall apart if I dont let go of the idea of how I should react and instead allow myself to feel what is really going on inside of me. I think we have reached a point where therapy is inevidable. I just wish someone could be in charge for a while and I could just sleep the pain away. Suddenly I just can't seem to find the bright side anymore. Where do I go from here?

Cry It Out And Then Keep Going

2010-11-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

Tonight my heart is heavy. I hesitate to post too much when I am having a hard time in order to refrain from seeming ungrateful or negative but blogging is a therapy I can afford and so here I am. Tonight my heart is heavy and the future weighs on my mind. A couple of things happened today that contributed to my current condition. Some of the family called today and wanted to know how Matt was doing. It is so nice to know that we are not forgotten and the we have family praying for us in other places but it is hard at the same time to update them all. When they call I feel so pressured to make the best of the situation. Most days I can do just that but I will not say that it is without effort. It takes all the energy I have to get myself going everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't pause at some point and think "what am I going to do when Matt can't remember us?" I feel so blessed to still have him here with us but in a way I feel like he is being taken from us bit by bit. Everyday I wonder if there will be another piece of him missing. I never knew I could love someone so desperately. I never knew that my very existence could be linked to another person. Most days I have the energy or am blessed I should say with the energy to smile. Most days I can live like everything is normal but there are days when I have to stop and say "no everything is not okay." I just keep telling myself it will be okay and I really do believe that but tonight I want to know how. I want to see the end from the beginning. It's as if I am watching someone Else's life and I want to skip to the end in order to avoid the sad parts in the middle. I want to know why. Isn't that such a cliche'? Everyone always wants to know "why me?" I guess the question is "why not?" We are human just like everyone else which means we will have trials just like everyone else but I want to know why one of my biggest fears is coming true. I have always said I would not have the strength to lose a spouse or a child and here I am losing my husband. I am just thankful that he will still be here physically. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't see him everyday even if he doesn't know who I am. I want to always be able to look into his blue eyes and see my own love reflected back at me. I am hoping the love I have will be enough for the both of us.
Claire had a hard day at school today. She got in trouble for something that was not a big deal but it is something that had to be dealt with. I wasn't sure quite how to handle it and so I talked with her and then decided that I would talk with Matt and we could decide how to handle it together. This is the second event that tugged at my heart today. I realized today that it is very possible that someday when something happens and it is not so simple and I really need Matt on my side he won't be there. This realization makes it hard to breathe. This possibility seems more and more likely with every hard day that he has. All around me people are telling me that it may not happen, that the doctor's could be wrong but what they don't see is that it has already started happening. Everything that the doctor told us could happen has started happening. He has started forgetting things daily, semi-big things and it seems to be more frequent. The doctor told us that his pituitary gland could be damaged by one of the operations and it has. He seems to be falling apart physically and I am following him desperately trying to pick up the pieces and put him back together. I love him too much to lose him. It's like trying to imagine the death of your spouse. The very idea makes you sick to your stomach and you have to stop yourself from thinking about it because it can't possibly happen. Something so horrible just can't happen. Trying to imagine my life without Matt's sense of humor, without his sarcasm and wit is like trying to imagine my life without him at all. It is just too painful. It makes me sick to my stomach and I have to stop myself and think "one day at a time Aubrey, one day at a time." I have no doubt that the Lord will carry us through this time and give us the time we need to adjust but I have to admit that tonight it is just not okay. This whole situation is just not okay with me. I want to scream "nothing is okay" but I can't, that's just not okay. I am expected to be strong, I am expected to say "just fine" when asked how I am because people just can't accept the truth without thinking that I am seeing the glass half empty. It is very hard to live up to other's expectations. I know they just want to help and comfort me but there are days when I just need to cry it out. My new motto is "cry it out and then keep going." I repeat this to myself whenever it gets too hard to breathe. I have a very strong testimony of Jesus Christ. I know that he alone has made it possible for Matt and I to be together forever. I know that Christ has felt my pain and Matt's pain and will not abandon us in this time. I know that God has given us eternal families. I am so grateful for the knowledge that Matt and I will be together again someday whole and perfect. I am so thankful for the knowledge that this pain is only temporary. I testify that God makes miracles happen even if they are not the miracles we are expecting. I have fallen and felt the hand of the Lord pick me up and push me on. I know that it is the hand of the Lord that will carry us through this life and into the next where we can be together forever and though tonight my heart is heavy, I trust that the Lord will lighten my burden and tomorrow will be a better day.

The Grace of God

2010-11-01T23:07:00.001-07:00

Today was a very productive day for me. I have been trying to get out of the house early in the mornings lately, it seems to help me feel a little less sluggish. After a frustrating trip to Walmart with the kids I came home to battle the house. Neither of us has won that battle yet but I am ahead! I decluttered all of the closets and now have what I like to call "mount
miscellanious" in the loft. I hope to move this mountain before it becomes it's own historical land mark. For those of you that know me, this truly is a historical moment in my life. It is the moment I FINALLY declared independence from my hoarding habit and chucked all of the clothes I have been holding on to since Claire was born. As I was cleaning out the closets I found myself including the newborn clothes that Naomi has outgrown into the "to be donated" bags. Months ago I could not have done this. I knew that she would probably be our last baby but because my dream of a large family has been altered by life I was just not ready to give in to that idea. I still would love to have one more child. I still feel like there is someone missing but I am coming to terms with our situation. I believe the Lord has granted me some peace and comfort as far as this subject is concerned. I know that there is a chance that we may get our miracle and that Matt may not forget us entirely and that is why I am not willing to take the permenant route for concluding our family. I do believe however that if our miracle does not come in the form that we want it to, the Lord will provide us with the miracle of peace. It was a wonderful realization to feel that things would be okay. Tonight was a little bit harder. I was so tired. I have reached what feels like the "point of no return exhaustion." I found myself feeling resentful toward life and our situation. I work until I can hardly move and that is where Matt used to be able to relieve me. Now I work until I can hardly move anymore, take some darvocet and keep right on working. I am not mad at Matt because he cannot help but I am completely overwhelmed. I always assumed given my medical history that I would be the one to fall apart first. It's hard to be on either side but from this side it looks impossible. I know that there will be people along the way to help me but I wonder what will happen when our kids become teenagers and I have to deal with "the hard stuff" on my own. What happens when major decisions need to be made and Matt is not able to help me make them? I guess this is why it is so important for me to remain close to my Father in Heaven. I firmly believe that prayer, faith, endurance and the grace of God are the only things that are going to see us through this unfortunate situation.

What a Dissapointment

2010-10-31T22:11:00.000-07:00

We spent last night in the ER at St.Joseph's hospital and let me tell you, it is so true that the freaks come out of the woodworks around Halloween. We spent the first part of the evening at our ward Halloween party. Matt wasn't feeling too well toward the end of the party and by the time I got home he needed to go to the hospital. He was having positional headaches which are something that the doctor told us to look for specifically. We had the most frustrating experience at the hospital. They did a CT scan and an x-ray and found that the shunt was working fine. The neuro-surgery resident came in and told us that everything looked good with the shunt and that he didn't doubt that Matt was in pain but that he thought it was "phantom pain." I have decided that I just do not like residents. He then called down the neurology resident and told them that he was signing off on the case and that it was their responsibility now. The neurologist did not agree and said that she thought it was in fact a surgical matter. I have never seen such a childish display in my life. They were literally fighting over who's responsibility it was to care for my husband. I just started to cry. We ended up coming home with Matt still in pain and no answers. We were told to call the doctor who did the surgery when in fact it was her that sent us to the hospital. I was amazed at the lack of empathy for his pain and suffering. It takes years of schooling to become a doctor and it all of that time I believe that somewhere along the road they loose sight of what matters and that is the patient. Is it not true that they take an oath to do no harm and to help others? I believe that somewhere in all of those years of schooling there should be some sensitivity training. Some compassion should be taught. I was grossly dissapointed by the health care system. It frightens me to see the upcoming doctors that will be caring for us and our children.

Fun Times

2010-10-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we attended the Hanjin Shipping fall party. Hanjin is where Matt works. It was such a fun time. The kids had a blast and we got to know new people. It was nice to spend the day at the park. The weather has finally started to cool off and fun was had by all. Last night Ivan lost his first tooth. We were very suprized to find that his permenant tooth was already growing in behind it! Today was also a fun event for us, Nora had her first preschool Halloween party! Ivan was able to go to and they had a blast playing pumpkin games carving pumpkins and decorating cookies. Here are some pictures from our fun times.

Disaster Protocol

2010-10-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

Disaster. By definition a disaster is "a state of extreme (usually irremediable) ruin and misfortune." To understand this, one must understand the word irremediable. ir-re-me-di-a-ble means "impossible to remedy, correct or repair." This brings us back to our original subject, disaster.
A disaster is not just a bad situation. It is not your average, everyday situation, yet disaster can be found all around us. Disaster comes in many forms. Disaster has many faces and is prejudice to no one. To find disaster one need only step outside, turn on the news or read the paper. Disaster is a phenomenon so common and so powerful that there are entire organizations devoted to it. The job of any relief organization is to intervene when disaster occurs. There are protocols to follow. First comes the assessment of the situation. That in itself is a large job. Any one person can asses a situation but who decides if that assessment is correct? Who decides just how minor or severe a situation is? Generally there is more than one individual involved in a situation, so uniting the assessments of each individual into one grand assessment is and amazing accomplishment. The second step in a disaster protocol is to issue a proclamation. One must bring to light the situation. One must tell the world what has happened. Often proclamation can become a messy job. It is not merely the responsibility of delivering bad news to the world but also the burden of absorbing the shock of individuals involved. It's staring into the face of the situation and having the courage to find a voice and make others aware of what has happened. Next comes the job of recovery, picking up the pieces and trying to place them where they belong. This is a tiring, sometimes hopeless process. Although recovery can be made and people and places touched by disaster can be mended, they are never the same.
This global disaster protocol can be applied to many situations. It can apply to natural disaster, financial disaster and even emotional disaster. To call something a disaster is not a simple ordinary statement. Often we use the phrase "this is a disaster!" when referring to something as minor as a windstorm that has disrupted the order of a yard (natural). Sometimes it is as simple as bouncing a check (financial) or as unpleasant as ending a relationship (emotional). In truth, none of the above are truly worthy of being described as a disaster. Yards can be cleaned, bounced check fees can erase monetary mistakes and new relationships can be made.
To qualify as a disaster the situation must far surpass any of these examples. We have experienced a disaster. My little corner of the world that once safely housed the emotional stability of my family and my heart has been touched by "a state of extreme ruin and misfortune." Without even being aware of the proper protocol we have begun to follow the necessary procedures. An assessment was made, a diagnosis confirmed and was deemed "impossible to remedy, correct or repair." This assessment was made by very qualified individuals. I wonder if Dr. B paused a moment during Matt's surgery when the damage was discovered. I wonder if only for a moment she thought about what this meant for my young husband, for our young family and for the wife and children who love and need him so much. I believe that somewhere in her assessment, somewhere amidst the jumble of Matt's mind and the surgical instruments she paused for a moment and thought of him, of me, of us. I believe this because it is what any good person would do and I believe her to be a good and kind person. Next came her duty to proclaim our disaster. I wonder how she felt about delivering the news. She knew I was waiting. If it was nearly as hard for her to tell me as it was for me to tell Matt then my heart aches for her.
Next comes the recovery process. We have not commenced recovery just yet. For my family we are stuck somewhere between assessment and proclamation. Each day brings new challenges and with it the need to re-asses the damage. Each day there is a need to proclaim what is happening to us, of only to one another. Recovery is something that I believe will come to us over time and only through the tender mercies of our Savior. I personally am struggling somewhere between all of these steps. I am still assessing the damage to my husband, my children and myself. Each day when my assessment of the current situation is made I struggle to proclaim what is happening and what we need. It is a large burden to bare but an even larger one to unload upon others. I see the sorrow what I feel reflected on others faces. I see my own shock staring back at me in their tear filled eyes. I know that I am not alone when I see this but I also know I have pulled them into our own personal disaster and it doesn't seem fair. If only there were a rapid response team ready each day for us. Perhaps there is. It does not come in ordinary form. It may not always come in the form of volunteers ready to clean and mend. It comes in the form of celestial comfort. This celestial comfort can be found in the darkest and smallest places, ready to clean and mend doubt and fear. It comes in the form of my child's prayer as he asks the Lord to "help Daddy to get better." I know that recovery will come to our family. We will be cleansed and mended but we will never be the same. I wish I could "proclaim" that all is well and that I am not frightened. I wish I could "proclaim" that my husband will be okay but I do not have this luxury. I can "proclaim" my love for the Savior and his sacrifice that we might all be mended in time. I can "proclaim" my thanks to the Lord for bringing comfort in the form of friends and new days where we can start fresh and my ability to make memories so that when my husband can't he can rely on me. I am grateful. I do believe and although I am frightened and sad and even angry at times I am never alone and that is what will one day bring us the recovery we need.

A Memory That Cannot Be Erased

2010-10-19T22:15:00.000-07:00

I have started this post a hundred times in my mind. I was hoping it would be something moving, something great but in the end the only way I can start this post is with all honesty. I have always been a person of doubt. Faith has never been something I was good at or even fully understood. To me, people who possessed faith were those whom I had nothing in common with. I was never one to accept things the way they were. This in turn made me a very complex and difficult person. I am still a very complex and difficult person and some people love me in spite of this. Tonight I had a temple recommend interview with a member of the stake presidency. Before the interview he asked me what had brought us to Arizona. I thought about this for a moment and told him that my husband had been transferred here from Utah with his job but that ultimately it had been the Lord that had brought us here. We talked for a few moments about various things and then he asked the big question, how was my family doing? I have learned that this question is not an easy one to answer. One minute we are fine and one minute we are not but we always end back where we started at...fine. I did explain our situation to him. I explained that we were struggling here in Arizona right along side almost everyone else. I explained my desire to go back home to spend the remainder of Matt's lucid days where we began our family. I don't know why that seems so important to me but it seems only appropriate given our situation to end up back where we started. It has become a pattern with us. I have come to terms with what will most likely happen to my husband and I explained to this man that although I still had very rough days I knew that we would be alright. He in turn told me that I had great faith. Is that what faith is? Have I been missing the point all along? Is faith merely the willingness to accept what is happening to us and in turn seek comfort from the Lord? That is exactly what I have been doing. People are always quick to tell me that there are miracles all the time and that we should not worry about what "might" happen. I get so tired of hearing that. It is not that I don't believe in miracles or that I am ungrateful for their support. It is merely the fact that we have already seen great miracles. I feel as though they are not only trying to reassure me but themselves as well. I know that the Lord works miracles, I have seen too many in my short time here on the earth to believe otherwise. I will be so relieved if Matthew continues on healthy and happy with only the little memory loss that he is showing now but I will not feel cheated if what the doctor told us comes to be. Friends tell me that I need to keep going, to keep having faith and believe in miracles. I do. Just because I do not expect a miraculous healing for my husband does not mean that I doubt the Lord. It means that I am already amazed at the miracles we have seen and I feel selfish to ask for more than that. It means that I have sought and found comfort from my Father in Heaven no matter what happens to us. I wonder if people expect me to be angry at God. Have I been angry about all of this? Absolutely. Have I cried and thrown furniture and dishes? Yes and it felt great to get that anger out but that anger was never directed at God. I do not believe that God had "done" anything to us. I do not believe that he has brought a plague upon us. I believe that God allows us trials and this just happens to be our trial. Does it seem unfair? At times yes but no more unfair than the loss of a child to a tragic accident or the loss of a mother to cancer. No more than the trials of most of the people we know. No more unfair, just different. It is exhausting to have to reassure those around me that my faith and love for God has not been tested but rather increased. It has been uplifting and comforting to bare my testimony to those people however and I know that by doing this it has been strengthened. In the past the words "we will be okay" are one's I would have said because they were expected but right now, in this moment I mean them. I don't know how we will be okay. I don't know how we will manage but I have been given a tremendous amount of comfort from the Lord and I simply know that we will be okay. Is it possible that I have had the faith I needed all along? Is it possible that for me, faith is as simple as accepting what might happen and not questioning why? It seems that this trial, this change in our lives has opened new doors to what my mind and heart can understand. I will not claim to be happy with the lot that has been placed before us. I would like to see things be different but I have come to terms with the alternative. I will have my black cloud days when my tears are unceasing but I will also have the days where the sun shines through. I am thankful to the Lord for providing me the comfort that I need. I am not angry at the Lord, I do not believe that Satan is trying to ruin my family, I believe that just like everyone else we have been handed a trial and we are going to be held accountable for how we deal with this trial. I would like to stand before my savior and have him know that I did the best job I could with what trials I was given. I do not want credit for the ways in which I do or do not handle these trials, I simply want understanding if I fall short. Even now as I lay in bed alone because my husband is once again too tired to climb the stairs to our bed I am not angry. I miss the way things were and I hurt because he hurts but I am not angry. The truth is there is no one to be angry at. It is said that Love conquers all and I believe that the love that my Savior and my husband have shown me over the years has been a key to keeping me standing through this storm. Even if my husband cannot remember me at the end of the day, I know that he will never stop loving me. We are eternally bound by covenants with God and that is a memory that cannot be erased.

A Little Less Lonely

2010-10-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. Matt and I were able to go to lunch together and it is the first date we have had in a very long time. We had a good time talking and shopping together. When we were at lunch I was a little emotional. We started talking about how vulnerable we are as people. I had posed the question "why does Heavenly Father make us so emotionally vulnerable when he knew such hard things would happen to us here on earth?" I immediately answered my own question. I know it is because if we sailed through life without the trial of heartbreak there would be no need for faith. If emotion did not prompt us to question what we know we would not have the opportunity to grow and progress. I just hate that my heart is prone to feeling more than it can handle at times. I couldn't help but cry a little when we talked about how unfair our lot seemed but in the end I know that our lot is no more unfair than anyone elses. We were able to spend the remainder of the afternoon with a very kind and genuine family. The kids had so much fun playing in a bounce house and playing with all of the other kids. It was so good to see Matt interacting with the other fathers there. At one point he turned to me and said "Ivan is 4 right?" When I told him Ivan was 5 he looked at me like I was crazy and said "no he's 4!" I said "no you have to be 5 to be in kindergarten." Matt thought he was still in pre-school. It was a hard conversation to have because it was clear that Matt could not remember and when it became clear to him that he could not remember he apologized. This is all such a hard thing for me to process, I can't imagine what it is like for him. How much is he grieving knowing what is happening to him? It was hard but it helped that we were surrounded by friends. It is becoming easier to deal with his memory lapses and I believe it is a matter of adjusting. I am grateful that the Lord is helping us adjust to what is happening. It was so nice to be a part of someones family today. We were able to spend the day with some of the funnest and most genuine people I have met. I am so thankful for good friends that make our lives a little less lonely.

Tears

2010-10-12T23:14:00.001-07:00

Me: what am i going to do when i don't have you to chase me around anymore?
Matt: you'll finally get some sleep and see me chasing you in your dreams.
Me: (sobbing)
Matt: I'm so sorry

Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it. ~Albert Smith

Enjoying What We Have

2010-10-12T21:15:00.001-07:00

Wow, today was a trying one! The kids were on one and I don't think I have ever wished harder that they had "off buttons." It is finally quiet (or as quiet as it gets in this house) and I have time to reflect on the day...and I don't think I will. I think I will let this day go to bed along with the children. We are doing rather well, considering everything. Matt's mood has lifted so much. One of our biggest fears was that he would have this surgery and he would still feel as depressed and defeated as he did before. Thanks to small miracles, God and Dr. B he is back. I love this man. I love that he is my best friend. I love the kids even though they are completely crazy! Claire has re-discovered a friend that she had in kindergarten and that friend has been upgraded to BFF status. They have been inseparable for a while now, especially the last two days and they are so cute together! They played all day yesterday, had a sleep over last night and played again all day today. We had to pry them apart tonight and it is so fun to remember being that way with my friends when I was little. She also has another loose tooth and is already planning what she will do with the dollar that the tooth fairy will be leaving. Ivan is completely jealous that he is not having sleep overs of his own but unfortunately he is younger and so are all of his friends. It is fall break and so they are trying to fill every moment with friends and I love it. I am tired but I love it! Nora is starting pre-school after fall break and she is super excited! She can't wait to go to school like her brother and sister. I get to take her shopping this weekend for some new school clothes and a new backpack. She is starting the year a little late because we were not sure we could afford pre-school but things are looking up a bit and so she can go! Naomi is growing so fast! She is going to be crawling anytime now. We are expecting her bottom teeth any day now as they have yet to make an appearance. She is starting to self-feed with cereal bites and I can't believe that she is already almost 7 months old! Matt is working and doing much better. His job was so hard before the surgery. He would come home so exhausted and sad and now he comes home and is able to leave work at work and just enjoy being home. Now for me. I will say that this summer has been sooo lonely! Now that the weather is cooling down I have had the opportunity to get together with various people that I have never spent much time with before and I am loving it. I have started scrap booking so that we will have tangible memories for Matt when his fails and I have quickly become addicted! I am proud of the way it is all turning out, especially because I have never really done it much before. I miss home but I am also starting to feel more at home here. Matt and I have been talking about the possibility of a trip. We want to take the kids on an unforgettable family vacation. We are thinking Disney Land or Disney World but Matt does not have any time off for quite a while. It will give us some time to save up and prepare. We just want to do something big before he is unable to anymore. I will admit that I have started praying for a miracle. I have started pleading with the Lord that Matt will not loose his memory as early as they are predicting. I am not getting my hopes up but I have to have hope. In the meantime I am enjoying what we have created together, our own little family that means the world to both of us.

Will He Remember?

2010-10-10T21:37:00.001-07:00

The last two days have been hard ones for me. I did so well last week. I felt so much better than usual but the last two days have been filled with tears. I think it's going to be like that for a while. We will have good days and we will have bad days and you know what??? It's okay. Today I have been thinking so much about my relationship with Matt. I have been so blessed to marry my best friend. When I have news, good or bad he is the first person I want to share it with. I plan my days around his breaks so that we can talk on the phone. Usually we don't have much to say but just hearing his voice is enough. I am hoping and praying that when/if all of this happens somewhere deep down inside he will remember me. I am hoping that I will be the one thing that he can hold on to so that the world is not a lonely place for him or me. I watch him everyday and worry. I try not to be overprotective but everytime his memory fails him I think, "oh my gosh is this it?" I have noticed that he has been having more and more trouble with his memory. It is just little things and so I am not too worried but I do live in fear that it will progress faster than I can adapt. I have so much to do before he can leave us. How does one prepare for something like this??? I am more thankful now than ever for the plan of salvation and my relationship with my savior. I know that it is him that is going to get us through what is to come. The truth is I am trying to remain positive but I am also being realistic. I am terrified. I will not pretend otherwise but just like every other trial I have faced in my life, I will take it one day at a time. I just wish I knew what to expect. I wish I knew what our lives are going to look like 10 years down the road. I want to know if he will be able to dress himself or feed himself. Matt has always been so strong, he has been my rock and I just can't see those roles being reversed. Today I took the kids to church and Matt came a little later. I had a hard time keeping the kids under control and all I could think is "I am not ready to do this on my own." How am I supposed to take care of 4 children alone? Mostly I am just afraid to lose my best friend. I get angry sometimes but there is no one to be angry at. I lay next to him in bed and talk to him and wonder how much longer will we be able to be like this? How much longer will he remember who I am? I just need him to remember me. If nothing else, just me and together we will make the rest work.

Human Emotion

2010-10-10T00:45:00.001-07:00

The human heart is an interesting thing. In all actuality it is merely a part of the puzzle that is the human body. It is not capable of emotion. So why then is it capable of breaking? Somewhere in the depths of the human soul there lies a tie to the human heart and it seems as though when one aches the other follows suit. Human emotion is likely one of the most difficult things to understand. What I am having trouble understanding is how can sadness and devistation turn so quickly to anger? When you are told that your whole life is going to change, that your best friend is going to leave you it is a feeling that cannot be described. The day of Matts first surgery will be one I will never forget. We were so hopeful and even excited. I felt guilty for wanting him to have the surgery so bad, I did not want him hurt but I knew it would make him better. I kept asking him if he was nervous. I must have asked him a hundred times. It was one of the last things I asked him before they took him into surgery. His answer was always no. The truth is, I kept asking him because I was terrified. I wanted to be in that OR holding his hand, not because he was scared but because I was. After they took him from me I didn't know where to belong. I couldn't stay in the pre-op waiting room but I couldn't quite face the family waiting room by myself either. I felt akward and so alone. If ever I needed a hand to hold it was that moment. I checked into the waiting room so they could find me after the surgery was over. I felt as though I were being cataloged. I sat to wait and waiting soon turned to worry. I found myself thinking of all the things that could go wrong and what would happen if they did. I didn't have long to worry before the surgeon entered the room. It had not been the 2 hours she said it would be and immediately my heart began to pound. She smiled and sat down next to me. We were surrounded by other families of other patients who were waiting for their good news. From her smile I could tell it had gone well. She told me he was done and headed to recovery and that the operation had been a success. There was good indication that this first surgery would be the solution we were looking for. I sighed with relief and thought about how silly I had been to worry so much. He was fine and our lives were going to get better as he did. I was so busy doing a happy dance in my mind that I was completely unaware of the news that was to come. I was broadsided, I never had a chance to see it coming. She began to explain that when they entered his brain cavity to perform the third ventriculostomy she found that the part of his brain that stores memory was paper thin. I didn't know what this meant. She went on to explain that the tissue should be thick and healthy but due to the chronic hydrocephalus it had been damaged. I felt a wave of shock hit my body. We looked at one another and then she said the words that changed the course of our lives. "you can expect him to lose his memory at an early age." what did that mean? I didn't want to ask but the words slipped out and sounded like they belonged to someone else. The whole experience felt like it should belong to someone else. "how early?" I asked. "within the next year to two years is what I suspect." she answered. The numbness began at my toes and spread like wildfire through my body. I immediately thought of Claire in her wedding dress. What a funny thing to think of but it was there and clear as day. The numbness reached every part of me but the heartache broke through and so did the tears. If the human heart is incapable of feeling emotion I wondered why my chest hurt so badly. I blinked hard as not to let the tears escape my lids but it was too late. The salty drops ran down my cheeks as the surgeon told me we were going to try to remain positive. She shook my hand and then she was gone. Just like that she was gone and everyone around me could see my naked shock and my tears. I fled the room. I didn't know what else to do. I called my sister. I needed someone to calm me down and she was who came to mind. After speaking with her it was phone call after phone call repeating the same information to too many people. I knew the worst was to come, I knew I had to tell Matt. When they took me back to recovery to see him he looked so much better than I thought he would. Our roles had changed however and without either of us knowing it, I had become the caretaker and the bearer of bad news all wrapped into one. It took me nearly two hours to tell him. I knew I had to tell him before the doctor came to the ICU to see him but I wanted us to be alone for this conversation. In the movies there is always that moment where the bad news can be given in private so as to spare some dignity of those involved. We did not have that. There was nurse after nurse and so the news spilled out in spurts as they entered and exited the room. When I finally did tell him he began to cry. "is this going to kill me or just make me crazy?" he asked. I didn't know how to respond because I knew that no answer I posessed would bring him comfort. We cried together. That was the beginning of the rest of our new lives. It's amazing how quickly ones vision of
"happily ever after" can change in an instant. Nothing could be worse than this, not even the second surgery just one day later could top the anxiety and despair of that day. Now we live with a ticking timer in the background of our days. Counting every lucid second we spend together only we don't know when this timer will run out. Now i find myself mourning the time that we will lose. My sadness often turns to anger before it turns to despair and this brings me back to my original conclusion that human emotion is likely one of the most difficult things to understand.

Moroni's Promise

2010-10-07T11:05:00.001-07:00

You know, I have never really question the validity of the scriptures. Even as a rebellious teen I knew they were not merely the writing of one man but the words of the Lord given to the prophets through revelation. I have always known of Moroni's promise in the Book of Mormon, that if we read and pray with a sincere heart the Lord will gives us a surity that they are true. I have never felt the need to take advantage of this promise. I realize now that although I know the scriptures are true I have not applied them in my life, especially for the last few years. Matt and I have always read with the kids and I have been learning the stories but I have not been having individual scripture study. Last weekend was a very difficult one for me. Who are we kidding, the last two years have been very difficult for me. On Sunday I prayed for the Lords help. I pleaded for patience and comfort. I finally had Matt give me a blessing because I was really struggling. During the blessing I was admonished to read my scriptures and pray daily. Personal prayer is something I have been struggling with too. I have tried in the past to read my scriptures everyday and it has always fallen second to other things like kids and homework and laundry etc. Because of this I know that it is just a fault of mine that I can't MAKE time for scripture study. So I prayed to the Lord and asked the Lord to make time for me. I prayed for remembrance so that I would not forget to take the time to study my scriptures. For the last week I have gotten on my knees every night to say my prayers and during the day I have experienced the scriptures either by reading them or listening to them on my iPod. While I do the laundry or the dishes or other chores I have been listening to them on the Mormon channel on my iPod and it has made such a difference in my days. I find that by listening to them I am able to block out external distractions and really focus on what I am hearing. It is so true that if you will take advantage of the scriptures and prayer that the Lord will help you with whatever your struggle is. I have had patience with my children. I have spoken kind word to them and kept my cool when they have been at their most difficult. I have not been frustrated by the thing that are expected of me and I even feel like I have more energy. I now have a sure knowledge that the scriptures are not only true but also that if you read everyday, even if it is only one verse that your burdens will be lighter, your mood will be better and life won't seem quite so hard. How loving our Heavenly Father is to provide us with such a simple way to be nearer to him. I am so thankful not only for the blessings that the Lord has given me but also for the trials so that I can learn from them and grow stronger in the gospel as well as in my daily life.

Amazed

2010-10-07T10:23:00.001-07:00

I have been amazed and overwhelmed by the outpouring of love that we have felt from those that are aware of our current situation. Since that fateful day when the surgeon told me that my husband will most likely only be lucid for another year or two I have spent a tremendous amount of time praying and crying. Somewhere in the hours of the day I find the courage and strength to look this monster trial in the face and challenge it to a battle of endurance. Our lives have not been easy thus far but we have been blessed beyond measure. I know that the Lord has great things in store for my husband and I feel blessed to be a part of it. My patriarical blessing stresses the need for me to endure lifes challenges well. I may not understand the challenges but enduring them well is something my Heavenly Father knows I am capable of and expects of me. Some days I understand them and somedays I am overwhelmed by them. Through all of this I have felt myself drawing closer to the Lord. I have felt the need to make our lives count. To make every second count. Am I scared? Yes. Am I worried about being lonely when faced with the prospect of losing my best friend and companion to dementia? Absolutely. My future looks lonely but I know that the Lord can guide us through this trial just as he has so many others. Not only am I worried about losing him, I worry that my younger children will not remember all of the love and joy that their father brought to them. I worry so much that Matt may not be able to baptize Claire next year. I worry very much that our little Naomi may never know her father. Despite this worry, I know that the Lord will guide our family and comfort my children as he has comforted me. I know my limitations and have come to a point where I can no loger carry myself or my family through this trial alone. Now more than ever I need help and guidance. I am seeking help through a professional counselor and resting my burdens in the hands of the Lord. I have found myself in deep despair but I have also found that I do not remain there long. I have a loving Heavenly Father that knows my needs even when I am not sure what they are. So while I am frightened by what the future may bring to us, I have no doubt that with the Lord we can endure this trial and endure it well. In the meantime the surgeon and the Lord have given me something I have so desperately wanted for years. They have given me back the man I married. He is smiling again for the first time in years. What more could I ask for than to spend what time we do have left smiling with one another.

Thankful

2010-09-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

Well, Matt is back at work and doing remarkably well for someone who had 2 major surgeries in 1 month, not to mention a 48 hour period. He has been tired but he has made it three days now. He is hanging in there but I on the other hand have been a mess. I don't know if it is the letdown of all the stress from this last month or shear exhaustion or just plain old depression but I am definitely in a slump. I know I will pull myself out of it but it is frustrating to sit and worry about whether or not you are worrying. Everyday I am comforted in seeing Matt come back to us. His mood has improved and he no longer comes home depressed, exhausted and sad. He comes home and eats dinner with us and plays with the kids and we spend time together. This is what I have missed for so long. I love that Dr. Bristol and my Heavenly Father have given me my husband back even if it is for a short time. I think of all of the things that we need to pack into these next few years and then I begin to think of all of the things he will "miss" if the prognosis he was given comes to fruition and it all becomes too much to bare. That is when I put my trust in my Father in Heaven. I lean on him and pour out my heart in prayer. I am not asking for a miracle, we have seen so many of them in our time as a family that to ask for yet another one seems selfish. I am just asking for strength. I am asking for comfort and peace of mind. I need to know that I can take care of my kids and my husband especially if he can no longer take care of himself. I need to know that I am strong enough to do everything to keep this family going and the truth is I am not but Christ is. I am more thankful now than ever for the Plan of Salvation. We are taught in primary about the importance of a forever family. We are taught that we should be married in the temple so that we can be together for all eternity and I have taught my children that we are going to be together forever but I am not sure I actually realized the magnitude of this concept until now. I don't know if our finite minds can ever understand something so grand as forever but our spirit can. My spirit has been touched by the knowledge that I will get to spend eternity with the best parts of my husband. If he can no longer recognize us on earth, he will recognize us in eternity. I have felt lost thinking that I am going to have to spend the remainder of my life with my husband not knowing me but that thinking has been flawed. I may have to spend a great deal of my mortal life with Matt not recognizing me or my children but we have the promise that when we are resurrected that we can be together forever and that is what matters. The physical limitations that our mortal bodies bring to us are only a test of our faith. I am thankful for a merciful Father in Heaven that can mourn with us when we mourn and comfort us when in need of comfort.

Moving On

2010-09-15T20:32:00.001-07:00

Matt is doing well. He has been home this month recovering from the surgeries that he had. He sleeps a lot and so I am worried about him going back this next Monday. It has been so nice to have this time with him. His recovery has been slow but remarkable. We have had a few set backs but all in all he is doing well. There is so much change in our lives right now, I really don't know which direction we are going in but for now things are on a positive note. I am so thankful for the friends and family that have helped us get through this last month. We have had a lot of support and it has made all of the difference. We have found happiness in the strangest and simplest of places. Matt and I were able to watch the first season of GLEE together as well as a ton of flix on NETFLIX. It has been a lifesaver. I wish we would have had that when I was on bed rest. It has made his recovery better because he and the kids can all curl up on the bed we set up downstairs and watch movies. Matt has gone off of the Atkins diet and it has been so nice for us to enjoy the same foods together. It sounds stupid but that is something we have really enjoyed. I told him he was not going back on that diet because he is going to enjoy the next few years and not worry so much about what he eats. I still want him to be healthy but I want him to enjoy life a little more. I am sad to have him go back to work only because it has been so great to have him home with us. I just feel like so much time in our lives has been wasted on worry and now that we have this time together we need to spend as much of it together as possible. He is going to try on Monday and see if it is something he can do. We did talk to his work about the possibility of him coming back on a half day basis for a week or two so that he is not hit all at once. He is having trouble hearing out of one ear and he is very tired all of the time and so I don't want his first days back at work to be awful for him. I am probably being over protective but that is a wife's job huh? I will be glad to be through with this part of things but I am not anxious to have time move too fast. The future prognosis is not good and so I want things to go slow and be well. I want time and that seems to be in short supply.

A Step In The Right Direction

2010-09-12T21:41:00.001-07:00

Today was a better day for our little family. Matt seemed to be feeling much better today. We were going to try to go to sacrament meeting but we just couldn't seem to get out of bed. Matt was able to be up and around a lot more today but not without it's cost. Tonight he has a lot of ringing in his ears. I called the doctor on call for Matt's surgeon and thankfully he told us that it was normal for someone with a newly placed shunt to experience this. I was so relieved. I was worried that it was an indication that something was wrong and that we would end up back at the hospital. We are very gun shy at this point. I am hoping that he is on the road to recovery and that things will get better from here. We were given some very discouraging news with Matt's surgery and everyday is precious. We don't want to spend any more of them in the ICU. We feel very blessed that we are together and know that the Lord has given us some precious time together. For that we feel very blessed.

No Place Like Home

2010-09-11T20:12:00.001-07:00

Matt and I spent yet another night in the ICU of St.Josephs hospital last night. We started at the internal medicine doctor yesterday but when they checked his temperature it was 101.7. The doctor sent us straight back to the hospital suspecting that we were dealing with an infection in Matts shunt or possibly menengitis. We were very worried and tired. They took large needle and a pressure gauge and tapped into his shunt to retrieve some cerebral spinal fluid. They sent it off to be cultured. There was protein in it which indicates infection. The resident consulted infectious diseases and together they decided that they needed to watch him for ventriculitis (an infection in the ventricles in the brain). They admitted him to the ICU and it was all too familiar. They watched his fever closely overnight and waited for more results. Finally this morning when his fever had broken they discharged him and said that they would continue to culture the fluid. If it comes back with any growth they will call the doctor and we will be headed back. We are praying for NO growth. Tonight I had a small meltdown. The situation caught up with me and all I could do was cry. It is so hard to watch him suffer. We are dealing with some very bad news that accompanies all of this and from time to time that hits us as well. We have felt the love and comfort of the Lord through all of this and have faith that he will carry is through. In the meantime there certainly is "no place like home."

Surgery X 2

2010-09-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

Matt again underwent major surgery yesterday to place a shunt in his head. He spent one more night in the ICU at St. Joseph's hospital and tonight after 6 days in ICU we are home. He is doing remarkably well for having 2 major surgeries within a 3 day period. I feel very blessed to still have him. Now the trick is to watch for and try to avoid any infection. If this shunt gets infected they have to remove it and put in another one. There is no way to kill an infection once it has reached the plastic tubing on the shunt. Although I am relieved to be home I seem to be more emotional now than when we were in the hospital. It is a big job taking care of someone you love. It is so hard to watch him suffer. It is hard to think about the future for various reasons and so we are going to take it one day at a time and record all of the memories that we can.

When You Love Someone

2010-09-04T19:32:00.000-07:00

Matt was admitted to St. Joseph's hospital 4 days ago and underwent major brain surgery yesterday. He had what was called a ventriculostomy to open the ventricles in his head and allow the cerebral spinal fluid to regulate. His inter-cranial pressure has been high since the surgery and in the middle of the night last night they had to open the valve in his head and release 75 ml of cerebral spinal fluid that hangs in a bag next to his bed. It is a little disturbing to see what should be on the inside, on the outside. He is doing well today but his blood pressure is very high. He ran a post-op fever over night but it has come down tonight and he has been able to sit up in a chair and even walk to the bathroom. We are preparing for the good possibility of another surgery tomorrow or at the latest Tuesday. While the ventriculostomy was successful, his pressure has been rising. Because they had to drain him last night there is a chance that they may have to put in a permanent shunt. If they have to drain him tonight then we know for sure that the shunt surgery is coming. We had some very hard news along with the surgery that has changed our lives. We are very unsure what the future holds for us and we have learned that time is precious. We have a lot of changes coming that we can talk about freely at a later time. There have been a lot of tears shed by many and a lot of tears yet to be shed. Matt's step-mom was able to fly down to watch the kids so that I can spend all the time possible at the hospital. Matt's dad is coming down as soon as he can and we are going to spend some quality time as a family. When you love someone you depend on them being there always. When anything happens to that someone it is as if part of you is missing. I knew I loved my husband with all of my heart, I just didn't realize that our hearts had become one until yesterday they began to ache together. We will remain positive and absolutely in love. We will record everyday so that we have tangible memories and we will smile more.

He Literally Needs a Hole in the Head

2010-09-02T22:08:00.000-07:00

so much has happened over the last few days. Matt and I ended up in the ER on Tuesday night because his condition had worsened. He has been in a neuro acute unit in St. Joseph's hospital ever since. Tomorrow morning they are going to drill a hole in his skull and perform a ventriculoscopy to relieve the pressure in his head. We are so thankful to be getting help for him, he has suffered for a long time now. I have been so crazy with going back and forth from the hospital, often more than once a day. It is a 90 minute drive both ways and it's been nuts. I am so thankful to my friends and the women in my ward and neighborhood for watching my kids and cleaning my house and just being there. Matt will be in the ICU after the surgery tomorrow and from there hopefully on to a road of recovery. Now to make it through this night...

This Side of Things

2010-08-18T08:11:00.001-07:00

Last night Matt and I lay silently in bed lost in our own thoughts. When we finally did speak we were thinking the same thing. We were worrying about what the future holds in store for us. For the first time I was worried about the upcoming surgery he is going to have. So far we have been relieved that he was going to have it because it will improve things for him a lot. His head will stop spinning, there will be no more pressure and headaches and (crossing our fingers) his depression will improve. I am still grateful that these changes will take place but last night the reality of it all hit me. It has been so hard watching him shut down over the last 2 years and even more so after June 8, the day of his accident. I laid and watched him fall asleep wondering what the accident might have been like for him. Was he scared? What was he feeling as he skidded down the road. I imagine it must have been terrifying but even more I imagine it must have been a lonely experience. As glad as I am that I didn't see the accident I wish I could have been there as they loaded him into the ambulance. What if he hadn't made it. What if he would have died in the arms of a stranger. All of this got me thinking about what would have happened if things had gone differently and he hadn't made it. Where would we have gone, what would we have done. This family will not work without him. I know we would have gone back to Tooele immediately. I don't even think I would have stayed to pack up the house, we would have just taken care of the details and headed for Tooele, for home. He would need to be home. How morbid is all of this? I don't know why but it all played out in my head and then I thought "what if..." What if the surgery doesn't go as planned. Matt is so worn down physically and emotionally right now that I don't know how he is going to deal with what is to come. I wish I could take it on for him. If I could go through the surgery for him I would. I never realized how hard it is to be the one on this side of things. The one that watches the one you love hurting. I have been on the other side of it. I have been the one wheeled into the operating room for a major procedure and so that part of it would be easy for me. I have not been the one on the other side of those double doors wishing I could be in there holding his hand. I have not been the one to count down the minutes until I could be with him again. I am scared to be on this side of things. I don't want to be alone on this side of things. I need someone to hold my hand through all of this, I just don't know how strong I can be. The Lord has blessed us with so much and I know he will continue to bless us. I know that fear is Satan's way of making us feel weak and so for that reason I will be strong. I will hold this family together but I will not do it without admitting that I am scared.

This Chick is OUT!

2010-08-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

I must say I have finally had it. I have had it with life and all it has given me lately. I am done with dumb ass people and their dumb ass comments and drama. It is disheartening to live in a world where people are inherently evil. Because I have 4 children that need me I will stick around but my contact with people in the outside world will be supremely limited. Bye Y'all, this chick is out!

Doctor Bock

2010-08-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a book that was recommended to me by a woman who cut my hair and I must say that it is a life saver! It is called "The New Childhood Epidemics." I love this doctor. He has found a biomedical solution to Aspergers, ADHD, Asthma and Allergies. No more medication changes for us, we are using detox and supplements. I am super excited about all of this. We are changing our entire diet and way of life. we are doing slowly so that it's not such a shock to our world. After all, I'm just not ready to give up my OREO'S. Read the book if you or someone you love has any of the above or just read it for educations sake because believe me, our way of life in this country is what is causing these epidemics.

Downsizing

2010-07-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

This week I have been working on downsizing the junk that we have in our house. I am preparing for something that some of you know about (I will not post it here just yet) and it is such a great feeling. Knowing that you are doing what the Lord wants and putting your house in order is such an awesome feeling! We are literally downsizing the entire house, furniture, appliances etc. Today I worked in the heat and cleaned out almost all of the baby clothes that we have been hoarding. I was able to give 5 bags and 2 boxes of baby boy clothes to someone in our ward and I honestly don't know if she loves me or hates me for it!
I have also had a very successful month with my Scentsy business and am feeling so great about that too. I am nervous for Matt's appointment with the neurologist but knowing that we have finally got the ball rolling in the right direction with many things in our lives is so great!

Spending Time With The Lord

2010-07-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

This past week has been such a struggle for me. Well, for all of us here at the house. Since returning from Utah it has been clearer than ever that it is time for us to move back. For days now I have been at maximum anxiety levels about trying to show and sell this house. I don't even know where to start or what to do. I can't show it soon because if Matt is having surgery he is going to need a clean and quiet place to recover. I also don't have the money or the energy to fix the things that need to be fixed in order to sell this place. Today is the first day I have felt like I am back home. Even though I have been here for over a week now, it was the first day that I was able to walk the square footage of my house without seeing everything that needed to be packed and everything that needed to be fixed. Today is the first time I feel like I am not a stranger in someone Else's space. I spent the day cleaning and organizing, not so that we can pack and move but so that we can be clean and organized. I believe what changed things for me was reading my scriptures last night. I have not read my scriptures in ages. I know that right now I am lost and the only thing that is going to get me and my family through all of this is the Lord. For the next little while I am going to have to carry this family on my own. It is time for my husband not to carry any of the load so that he can just get better. So far I have not done well at carrying this family. I have been a wreck. I believe however that the Lord will help me carry us through. He will help me to know what actions to take next. He will help me to know when it is time to pack the house. He will help me to know how we are going to get from here to Utah when it is time. He will help me to know how to prepare my children and myself for the surgeries that my husband may have to undergo. To be honest I am completely terrified but I know it will be okay. I have the voices of so many people in the back of my mind telling me what I should be doing that it is hard to hear the Lord. Every piece of advice and instruction from every person who "thinks" they know what is best for us is running on a loop inside of my head and I am tired. Tonight I asked Matt if we could go to Walgreen's together as a family and ride in the van because at 10:00pm last night I vacuumed and shampooed it and I wanted us to enjoy it. He wanted to stay home with the kids. I was really hurt by this. I know it sounds stupid but I felt like I am dealing with so much alone that going to the pharmacy alone was something I just didn't want to do. I am grateful that I went alone however because during that ride to the pharmacy the Lord and I had some time together. On the way home I was searching for a CD I could sing along to as singing at the top of my lungs helps me a lot. There was a CD in the car that did not have a label on it and so I popped it in. It was a CD of the bell choir that my mom had been in years ago. The bells rang out loud and clear the tune to "Come thou Fount of Every Blessing". The tears began to stream down my face. The music touched my heart and I knew that it was the Lord saying a quick "hello" and letting me know that he was around. I sobbed on the way home as I sang the words to myself:

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

These are only two of the verses but today they are what I needed to hear. I needed to know that just as I was seeking the Lord's help, he is seeking me. My heart has been incomplete for such a long time but tonight I feel that there is hope in mending it. It is going to take a lot of time and a lot of help from the Lord and others an a LOT of crying but I believe that one day soon I can be whole again. I have hope that the trials and literal hell that our little family has endured these past two years has some divine meaning. I have hope that we can be encircled by the arms of our savior and be mindful of his presence in our home, wherever that may be. It is time for us once again to walk together rather than side by side and be a united family and I believe that this is what the Lord has in store for us.

Never Boring Around Here

2010-07-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

Once again we are faced with a lot of happenings here at the Garff house. We are headed into this next chapter with a little more optimism than usual which is a huge step for us. Matt has had a very hard time since the motorcycle accident. He is possibly facing 2 very hard and painful surgeries but we are hopeful that these surgeries will improve his quality of life. Today we find out if he has to have surgery for a torn rotator cuff. We are hoping that it is not torn but if it is we are prepared for what comes. We are counting down the days until we see the neurologist to find out if Matt has to have a shunt placed in his head. He has had hydrochepalus for a long time, this means he has water on his brain and the side effects from this condition have worsened since the accident. I am actually excited for this appointment because if he gets the surgery it could improve so many things that he has been struggling with. I am feeling a lot of pressure knowing that I am the one that is going to have to carry this family for a while. It's a hard feeling knowing that the other half of you is going to be out of commission for a while. We are worried about his job and what will happen there but we know that God provides and have already seen that at work in this situation. It is amazing to see how the worst of situations are meant to be and can bring immense blessings. Matt's accident was no accident. It was meant to happen. If it had not happened he would not be receiving the medical attention for this condition and things would not have improved for him at work. Another miracle is that before the accident Matt's dad had talked to us about moving back to Utah and taking care of his house while he and his wife go on a mission. Now if Matt loses his job or is not paid for a significant amount of time we already have arrangements in the works for our relocation. I am so thankful for the Lord and his loving guidance in this situation and many others that we have been faced with.

What A Wonderful Creature Was BUG

2010-06-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday was a very sad time for our little family. Our dog BUG passed away. She was 13 years old and although Matt and I knew that she would not be with us much longer, it was still a shock when she began wheezing and we had to take her to the vet ER and there decide to let her go. I never really thought it would be that hard to say goodbye to an animal but BUG was not just a dog, she was literally a part of our family. She started her journey in this family as my dad's dog. I was only 18 when she came to them and now at 30, I realize that almost half of my life's memories involve BUG. When I was 19 and diagnosed with a brain tumor I became very ill. I spent endless hours in bed with BUG as my companion. She would sleep with me every night, under the covers. When Matt and I bought our first house, BUG became our dog. We searched and searched for the perfect house and made sure it had a fence so that we could take her in. She was there during my pregnancy and literally followed me around whining the last few days before Claire came. She knew before I did that it was time to bring Claire into this world. When I brought Claire home from the hospital BUG was there wanting to give her a bath. She held on until all of our children were here and she has been protective of every one of them. She also did something I thought no one could do, she turned my husband into an animal lover. He and I were both able to be there when she passed away. Tonight I returned to retrieve her remains so that we can always have her with us. What a wonderful creature was BUG.

Blessed With A Miracle

2010-06-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

Where to begin explaining this day...I woke to a phone call this morning from my husband who leaves very early to ride his motorcycle to work. When my friend who is staying with us told me it was Matt on the phone I was surprised because he was supposed to be on the road at that time. I figured that he had run out of gas AGAIN but boy was I wrong. The first thing that he said to me was "Aubrey...we need to buy a car." He was making no sense whatsoever until he said "I've been hit." Immediately images of Matt flying off of his motorcycle and hitting the pavement filled my mind. I asked him if he was okay and that is when he told me they were taking him to the hospital. I ran down the stairs (in my garments) screaming for Tina. All I could say was "he's been hit, I have to go." The hard part was I didn't know where I was going. I knew he was on the US 60 freeway but that was it. I took Tina's phone and left the house. While driving toward the accident scene I got a call from the ambulance workers telling me where they were taking him. They were headed to Scottsdale Osborne Health Center here in Arizona. I had never heard of it and I had no idea how to get there. The gentleman on the phone gave me directions but I could not remember a word he had said. Minutes later I received a phone call from the hospital saying that they had arrived and that Matt was going to be taken straight to have a CT scan. The social worker was so great to stay on the phone with me and help me find my way to the hospital. She just kept saying "go slow, he'll be fine." When I arrived at the hospital I had to wait about a half and hour before I could see him. They came and got me when he was out of CT and I was not prepared for what I was going to see. I don't know what I thought I would see but I know now that you can never prepare yourself to see the person you love most in the whole world hurt, no matter how small or how big the injuries are. Matt was flat on a bed with wires connected to what seemed like every inch of his chest. His clothes had been cut off and so I could see his bare chest and the left side of his body was bruised. What struck me the most was the neck brace and his bloodied hands that he was holding in the air. He couldn't even turn to look at me but for that I am grateful, I didn't want him to see how scared I was. I ran to him and leaned over the bed and he said "I'm sorry." I couldn't believe he was apologizing. I wanted to hug him, to hold him but I was afraid to touch him. It turned out that he didn't remember much of our conversation on the phone. He was not hit but rather a very careless and heartless driver (who fled the scene) had cut him off and when Matt put on the breaks to prevent the bike from the collision, the bike when down and Matt when sliding. He was going 70 miles an hour when he hit the pavement and he says that he remembers thinking "this doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would." Months ago when he bought this new bike he bought new riding gear and it literally saved his life. His whole left side took the brunt of the accident but he came out of it with a broken pinkie finger, some bruised ribs and an injured shoulder. There is significant road rash on his left side but nothing like it would have been without that new gear. His riding jacket was torn to shreds on the arms as well as his pants yet he is okay. He was teary off and on in the ER but all together he was one tough guy. It was nothing short of a miracle that my husband survived that accident today. I believe that God knew he still has work to do here, especially since we are taking care of 4 extra children right now. I was okay until after we had brought him home, picked up prescriptions and called the insurance. After the "to do" list was tackled I could feel myself falling apart. I started shaking and feeling very faint. I think the shock had finally hit me. I realized that I was having an anxiety attack and I could feel a migraine setting in. It is the most awful feeling to have your world rocked like mine was today. I realized that my world would literally crumble if something happened to Matt. Tonight I feel blessed and overwhelmed with love for my Heavenly Father for protecting my husband and love for my husband for being as strong as he is. I have been blessed with a most awesome husband and without him my heart would be broken. I was so fortunate today to be dealing with insurance companies and pharmacy's rather than a funeral home. Tonight as we go to bed I am so grateful that he is here sleeping next to me rather than lying in a hospital bed. It will be a hard recovery for him but we both feel very blessed. We learned a very important lesson today. The statistics for motorcycle accidents mean nothing when someone you love is involved. This family is done with motorcycles. We are blessed as well to have Paul Garff as our father. He is selling us his car so that Matt will have a safe way to get back and forth from work. I hardly feel like I deserve the blessings that the Lord poured out upon us today but I will accept them with a very grateful heart.

What a "Blessing"

2010-05-30T21:37:00.001-07:00

Naomi Grace was blessed today and it was wonderful. We were surrounded by friends and family that we love and missing the ones that could not be here. I am so grateful for Naomi. She is such a meek but happy little thing. She has touched our lives so much in the two months that she has been here and brought happiness to all of us. She is the perfect addition to our family.

Letting Someone Down Can Literally Break Your Heart

2010-05-26T22:22:00.000-07:00

Today I became a failure. Today my heart broke. Today I let down a good friend. Today I wished I was someone else, somewhere else doing something else. Since taking in 5 foster children that belong to a friend of mine, I have known more happiness, more heartache and more tired that I have ever felt before. Tonight the heartache got the better of me. I have felt for a few days now that I could not handle one of the children that we were caring for and so today he was placed in another foster home. I had talked to him and let him know that if he could not stop being physically violent with the other children and could not respect others in this house that we would have to find somewhere else for him to live. I don't think he believed that it would really happen. He is such a good kid and has just been dealt a really rotten hand in life but I was not able to help him and I had to protect the other children in this house so I had him removed. The hard part is facing his mother who is a good friend of mine and knowing that I have let her down. I cried all afternoon and although I tried so hard to be strong when he left I could not help but shed tears. He came to me minutes before he was leaving and asked if there was anything he could do to stay. I hugged him and told him I loved him and I was sorry I could not do more for him and that he would have to leave. It was the first time I have ever seen him cry. It broke my heart that I had to stand firm on my decision to have him removed. Now I am feeling like a very bad person. What makes it even harder is that the mother of these kids is staying with us with the approval of CPS and now there is a distance between us that will never be closed. Our friendship will never be the same and so I tip-toe around my house feeling like I have torn out her heart and stomped on it. I feel like a failure even though I have been successful in taking care of the other 4 children that we placed in our home. It does not matter that I can successfully provide love and support and take care of 8 children, all I can think about is the one that I let down. The story of the Savior and the ninety and nine sheep now means so much more to me. I hope that this little lost boy can find his way home, wherever that may be and I hope that some day he can forgive me for not being able to do more for him. Most of all, I hope that someday he believes that I love him very much and always will.