Thankful

Well, Matt is back at work and doing remarkably well for someone who had 2 major surgeries in 1 month, not to mention a 48 hour period. He has been tired but he has made it three days now. He is hanging in there but I on the other hand have been a mess. I don't know if it is the letdown of all the stress from this last month or shear exhaustion or just plain old depression but I am definitely in a slump. I know I will pull myself out of it but it is frustrating to sit and worry about whether or not you are worrying. Everyday I am comforted in seeing Matt come back to us. His mood has improved and he no longer comes home depressed, exhausted and sad. He comes home and eats dinner with us and plays with the kids and we spend time together. This is what I have missed for so long. I love that Dr. Bristol and my Heavenly Father have given me my husband back even if it is for a short time. I think of all of the things that we need to pack into these next few years and then I begin to think of all of the things he will "miss" if the prognosis he was given comes to fruition and it all becomes too much to bare. That is when I put my trust in my Father in Heaven. I lean on him and pour out my heart in prayer. I am not asking for a miracle, we have seen so many of them in our time as a family that to ask for yet another one seems selfish. I am just asking for strength. I am asking for comfort and peace of mind. I need to know that I can take care of my kids and my husband especially if he can no longer take care of himself. I need to know that I am strong enough to do everything to keep this family going and the truth is I am not but Christ is. I am more thankful now than ever for the Plan of Salvation. We are taught in primary about the importance of a forever family. We are taught that we should be married in the temple so that we can be together for all eternity and I have taught my children that we are going to be together forever but I am not sure I actually realized the magnitude of this concept until now. I don't know if our finite minds can ever understand something so grand as forever but our spirit can. My spirit has been touched by the knowledge that I will get to spend eternity with the best parts of my husband. If he can no longer recognize us on earth, he will recognize us in eternity. I have felt lost thinking that I am going to have to spend the remainder of my life with my husband not knowing me but that thinking has been flawed. I may have to spend a great deal of my mortal life with Matt not recognizing me or my children but we have the promise that when we are resurrected that we can be together forever and that is what matters. The physical limitations that our mortal bodies bring to us are only a test of our faith. I am thankful for a merciful Father in Heaven that can mourn with us when we mourn and comfort us when in need of comfort.

Moving On

Matt is doing well. He has been home this month recovering from the surgeries that he had. He sleeps a lot and so I am worried about him going back this next Monday. It has been so nice to have this time with him. His recovery has been slow but remarkable. We have had a few set backs but all in all he is doing well. There is so much change in our lives right now, I really don't know which direction we are going in but for now things are on a positive note. I am so thankful for the friends and family that have helped us get through this last month. We have had a lot of support and it has made all of the difference. We have found happiness in the strangest and simplest of places. Matt and I were able to watch the first season of GLEE together as well as a ton of flix on NETFLIX. It has been a lifesaver. I wish we would have had that when I was on bed rest. It has made his recovery better because he and the kids can all curl up on the bed we set up downstairs and watch movies. Matt has gone off of the Atkins diet and it has been so nice for us to enjoy the same foods together. It sounds stupid but that is something we have really enjoyed. I told him he was not going back on that diet because he is going to enjoy the next few years and not worry so much about what he eats. I still want him to be healthy but I want him to enjoy life a little more. I am sad to have him go back to work only because it has been so great to have him home with us. I just feel like so much time in our lives has been wasted on worry and now that we have this time together we need to spend as much of it together as possible. He is going to try on Monday and see if it is something he can do. We did talk to his work about the possibility of him coming back on a half day basis for a week or two so that he is not hit all at once. He is having trouble hearing out of one ear and he is very tired all of the time and so I don't want his first days back at work to be awful for him. I am probably being over protective but that is a wife's job huh? I will be glad to be through with this part of things but I am not anxious to have time move too fast. The future prognosis is not good and so I want things to go slow and be well. I want time and that seems to be in short supply.

A Step In The Right Direction

Today was a better day for our little family. Matt seemed to be feeling much better today. We were going to try to go to sacrament meeting but we just couldn't seem to get out of bed. Matt was able to be up and around a lot more today but not without it's cost. Tonight he has a lot of ringing in his ears. I called the doctor on call for Matt's surgeon and thankfully he told us that it was normal for someone with a newly placed shunt to experience this. I was so relieved. I was worried that it was an indication that something was wrong and that we would end up back at the hospital. We are very gun shy at this point. I am hoping that he is on the road to recovery and that things will get better from here. We were given some very discouraging news with Matt's surgery and everyday is precious. We don't want to spend any more of them in the ICU. We feel very blessed that we are together and know that the Lord has given us some precious time together. For that we feel very blessed.

No Place Like Home

Matt and I spent yet another night in the ICU of St.Josephs hospital last night. We started at the internal medicine doctor yesterday but when they checked his temperature it was 101.7. The doctor sent us straight back to the hospital suspecting that we were dealing with an infection in Matts shunt or possibly menengitis. We were very worried and tired. They took large needle and a pressure gauge and tapped into his shunt to retrieve some cerebral spinal fluid. They sent it off to be cultured. There was protein in it which indicates infection. The resident consulted infectious diseases and together they decided that they needed to watch him for ventriculitis (an infection in the ventricles in the brain). They admitted him to the ICU and it was all too familiar. They watched his fever closely overnight and waited for more results. Finally this morning when his fever had broken they discharged him and said that they would continue to culture the fluid. If it comes back with any growth they will call the doctor and we will be headed back. We are praying for NO growth. Tonight I had a small meltdown. The situation caught up with me and all I could do was cry. It is so hard to watch him suffer. We are dealing with some very bad news that accompanies all of this and from time to time that hits us as well. We have felt the love and comfort of the Lord through all of this and have faith that he will carry is through. In the meantime there certainly is "no place like home."

Surgery X 2

Matt again underwent major surgery yesterday to place a shunt in his head. He spent one more night in the ICU at St. Joseph's hospital and tonight after 6 days in ICU we are home. He is doing remarkably well for having 2 major surgeries within a 3 day period. I feel very blessed to still have him. Now the trick is to watch for and try to avoid any infection. If this shunt gets infected they have to remove it and put in another one. There is no way to kill an infection once it has reached the plastic tubing on the shunt. Although I am relieved to be home I seem to be more emotional now than when we were in the hospital. It is a big job taking care of someone you love. It is so hard to watch him suffer. It is hard to think about the future for various reasons and so we are going to take it one day at a time and record all of the memories that we can.

When You Love Someone

Matt was admitted to St. Joseph's hospital 4 days ago and underwent major brain surgery yesterday. He had what was called a ventriculostomy to open the ventricles in his head and allow the cerebral spinal fluid to regulate. His inter-cranial pressure has been high since the surgery and in the middle of the night last night they had to open the valve in his head and release 75 ml of cerebral spinal fluid that hangs in a bag next to his bed. It is a little disturbing to see what should be on the inside, on the outside. He is doing well today but his blood pressure is very high. He ran a post-op fever over night but it has come down tonight and he has been able to sit up in a chair and even walk to the bathroom. We are preparing for the good possibility of another surgery tomorrow or at the latest Tuesday. While the ventriculostomy was successful, his pressure has been rising. Because they had to drain him last night there is a chance that they may have to put in a permanent shunt. If they have to drain him tonight then we know for sure that the shunt surgery is coming. We had some very hard news along with the surgery that has changed our lives. We are very unsure what the future holds for us and we have learned that time is precious. We have a lot of changes coming that we can talk about freely at a later time. There have been a lot of tears shed by many and a lot of tears yet to be shed. Matt's step-mom was able to fly down to watch the kids so that I can spend all the time possible at the hospital. Matt's dad is coming down as soon as he can and we are going to spend some quality time as a family. When you love someone you depend on them being there always. When anything happens to that someone it is as if part of you is missing. I knew I loved my husband with all of my heart, I just didn't realize that our hearts had become one until yesterday they began to ache together. We will remain positive and absolutely in love. We will record everyday so that we have tangible memories and we will smile more.

He Literally Needs a Hole in the Head

so much has happened over the last few days. Matt and I ended up in the ER on Tuesday night because his condition had worsened. He has been in a neuro acute unit in St. Joseph's hospital ever since. Tomorrow morning they are going to drill a hole in his skull and perform a ventriculoscopy to relieve the pressure in his head. We are so thankful to be getting help for him, he has suffered for a long time now. I have been so crazy with going back and forth from the hospital, often more than once a day. It is a 90 minute drive both ways and it's been nuts. I am so thankful to my friends and the women in my ward and neighborhood for watching my kids and cleaning my house and just being there. Matt will be in the ICU after the surgery tomorrow and from there hopefully on to a road of recovery. Now to make it through this night...