The scriptures

Today is a hard day for me but if possible it has been hard in a good way. I didn't want to go to church today. It had nothing to do with church itself, I just hurt badly today, it is what we at my house call a "bad fibro day." I decided that despite the pain I was feeling I would go. I put the baby down two hours early for her nap, ensuring that she would be cooperative at church right? WRONG! From the time that sacrament meeting started to the time it ended I literally wrestled with her. We were up and down and in and out of that chapel which is not easy for any mother, let alone one with fibromyalgia. Needless to say after that meeting we came home so that she could take another nap. It was so nice to take the sacrament today. I have missed it for several weeks because I have been home with a napping baby and I must say I needed it. I will fill you in on a little secret. Lately I have been angry with my Heavenly Father. I know it makes no sense but I have been. I have just been angry in general but I am hoping all of that will change and I am hoping those closest to me can be patient as I work my way back into a healthy relationship with God. I tried to make this time at home today (not being in church) productive by reading through the lesson for today and reading my scriptures. I am so glad I did. It has been too long since I have read my scriptures and there were some specific verses I needed to read. I am thankful for the scriptures and the fact that they made this "doubting Thomas" feel a little better today.

A Step at a Time

I wish this post was different than the majority of my other posts. I wish this post was one that announced some great and happy event that has happened in our lives but unfortunately it is all too much like the other's, it is one that catalogues yet another hardship for our family. Last night on the way home from work, as Matt was pulling into Tooele, he nodded off behind the wheel and crashed our brand new car into another car. Fortunately neither he nor the other party involved were seriously injured but once again an incredibly unlucky situation has taken it's toll on our family. We took him to the hospital here in Tooele to be evaluated. The airbag in the car had deployed leaving chemical burns on Matt's arms and a bruise on his chest. The airbag had also hit him in the head which had us worried about his shunt and whether or not it had been damaged. After evaluation at the ER they determined that the shunt was working properly and that there were no breaks, just bumps and bruises. They were concerned about some of the physical symptoms that he was displaying that have become all too normal to us. The swelling in the legs, the tingling in the arms and hands, the weight gain and high blood pressure. We let them know that these symptoms have been present ever since the two major neurosurgery's that he underwent nearly a year ago and that we have not been able to find a doctor that was willing to do more than prescribe medication for the symptoms. We have yet to find a doctor that is willing to dig deeper and try to find the cause of all of these symptoms. The doctor at the ER decided that she wanted to draw blood and check his labs so that we could be a step ahead when we find a doctor that can see him. When they drew the labs they found that his blood sugar was 160, and that his liver was enlarged and producing too much of something that Matt cannot recall. They also said that his potassium is low. So we have that many more symptoms to deal with. I am trying to find the upside to all of this which is challenging but it's there somewhere. My manager from the temporary job that I had called me before the accident and offered me my job back for a while longer and told me of another position that I might qualify for. At first I turned it down but as soon as Matt had his accident I called them back and got the job. I start on Monday. This will allow me to drive Matt to and from work everyday and if I get benefits we will be double covered. So although this is another set back we will be okay. I am so glad that we were here when it happened. It was so great to be surrounded by Matt's family and my most awesome friends. Matt's dad was able to come to the hospital and give Matt and I both a Father's Blessing which helped so much. Now we are just trying not to let it ruin our weekend and dealing with it all a step at a time.

Tired

Today is a hard day for me. The last few days in fact have been hard for me. When we arrived here in Utah it was such a relief. It was if a huge cloud that had hung over us for years began to dissipate and sunlight began to stream through in spots. It gave us time to think and breathe which is exactly what I had needed for so long. I didn't realize that with this time to breathe and with those burdens lightened that a new storm was brewing. With the pressure of surviving gone I seem to be falling apart. Now the challenge is to survive emotionally from everything that has hit us over the last few years. I started work the day after we got here and that was a very good thing for me. It helped distract me and give me a place in the world where I wasn't somebody's mother and I wasn't somebody's wife and I wasn't the woman who's husband will someday lose his memory. I was just me and honestly that was nice. It isn't that I don't want to be somebody's mother or somebody's wife or that I won't still love and adore and stand by my husband even when he doesn't know who I am, it was just nice to be me. Now that job has ended, it was only meant to be temporary and I am so excited to be home with my children but I worry so much that I am not up to that task. I am struggling so much with a cloud of grief and sadness that hangs near me everyday and often showers me with my own tears. Everyday I am tired. Everyday I am scared. I do not sleep well. My dreams are plagued with images of the time spent in the hospital with Matt and that is an experience I was only strong enough to experience once. I have started avoiding large crowds, I cannot face them without falling into attacks of anxiety. I am avoiding people I love because I just can't find a new normal. I can't find a way to be the friend, mother and wife I once was. I can't find a way to be carefree. I worry constantly that I am failing as a wife, mother and friend. My only solice seems to be sleep. I sleep so much and I fear that it is at some great cost. Those around me try to be patient but I am constantly worried that it will damage relationships that are vital to our survival right now. It is a fight everyday within me to get out of bed and face what the day has in store and I am so tired. I wish I had a better word for it. Tired doesn't seem to be a big enough word to describe what I am feeling. I am positive that my soul is tired. I am positive that it was time to come home and I wish so much that it made everything better. It did make life easier and it did make our burden's lighter, I just never imagined that I would fall apart all over again once we were here.