First Visit

Well, I went to my first OB appointment today. The OB that saw me for the last miscarriage said she wanted to see me as soon as I got a positive test and I took another one last night that again showed positive. So I called and went in this morning to have my quants (hormone levels)checked. In the office that I go to there are around 9 different doctors and the one I saw was very un-professional and so I am going to find another OB as soon as I am a little further along and that is if I do not miscarry this one. It really was a rather awful experience this morning and so we are going to file a complaint against the practice. It's amazing how people talk about you when when they think you can't hear them. It's also amazing the discrimination that comes along with taking NECESSARY psychiatric medications. People can be so naive and stupid sometimes. Anyway, that is my rant for the day.
Poor Claire Bear has the flu like I did last week. She is so sick. She threw up 4 times today before I went to the doctor. I wasn't going to go but they had insisted on seeing me so I thought if I went things might turn out a little different with this pregnancy, we will just see. Luckily we have the most awesome girl that lives across the street that knows so much about taking care of kids although she is only 12 years old. We love having her here, she took such good care of my kids, especially Claire. I hope that she feels better because I am going to be gone all day tomorrow at a stupid traffic survival course due to running a red light and being caught by a traffic camera. She will be with Matt but when your sick I think moms are just the best thing. So it looks like we will not be doing anything very fun this weekend. We will just see!

Hope it Sticks

Well, I found out yesterday that I am pregnant. At first I thought I wasn't because the second line was so faint but it was there and I am. I cried when it set in that I was pregnant. I want another baby so badly but unfortunately we have learned the very hard way that pregnancy does not always end in a baby for us. We will just have to wait and see what happens. I am only about 3 weeks along so I am "minutes pregnant" as my last doctor would say. I hope so badly that this one sticks. Whether or not it does, today I have had a sense of peace that I hope will accompany me regardless of the outcome of the next few weeks.

Tooth Fairy Comes Early

Last night was a very eventful night at the Garff house. Claire and Ivan were playing and he managed to pull out one of her teeth and make another loose! Obvioulsy they were getting ready to loosen up. We had gone to the dentist last year in Tooele and the x-rays showed that her permanant teeth were very close the the baby teeth. They told us that she would lose teeth earlier than usual but I thought they were full of crap because she didn't lose any. Well, I guess all they needed was a little help. Claire had a binki in her mouth (who knows why, she stopped using them almost 2 years ago) and Ivan grabbed it and pulled. Claire came running through the kitchen screaming with blood dripping from her mouth. I had no idea what had happened (because I couldn't understand her)until she handed me her front bottom tooth! I tried not to freak out because I thought they had gotten knocked out of her head. It wasn't until about an hour later that we discovered that the one next to it was loose as well. So my baby has started losing her teeth and that makes me feel old!

End of the Week

Wow,it seems like this week was very long. Today was a hard day for our little family but it was good at the same time. We had too much flu and too much sun this weekend and so today we had to take it easy. I took out my guitar today which I haven't played in about 10 years and it was just like riding a bike. I can still play the handfull of songs that I learned way back when. All my years of growing up, music was a huge part of our lives and I want that for my kids. Tonight before they went to bed I was able to play "I am a child of God" and they sang along. If we are going to start camping as a family, the guitar is what makes a camping trip complete.
I have had a hard time this evening. I have been very anxious and irratable. I don't know if it's a rainbow or just hormones but I am all over the place. I am hoping for the best but we will see. I wish it was not time to start another week but at the same time I am ready to get things back on schedule. Like I said, I am all over the place. Guess it's time for bed.

Terrified

This weekend has been a wild one. We went from the flu to swimming to movie nights to SLEEP. I have had a lot on my mind. I just found out that one of my good friends is about to have a baby and it is the first time I have felt that little jab at my heart. I am completely happy for her but I ache for myself at the same time. Is that selfish? I also read about a woman that had a stillborn baby at 41 weeks. That is so crazy. It seems like I go from being terrified that we won't get pregnant, to terrified that we will and I'll miscarry to terrified that once I get past the "3" month safe zone that something will happen to the baby. I just feel like one big walking time bomb for babies. I feel like shouting "Don't nest in here, you'll be sorry, you're doomed." So that was really morbid but that's what I feel like doing. Just lifting my hands to the sky and shouting it.

Home for the 4th

Well, we were going to go camping for the 4th of July weekend but we decided against it. There are many reasons but I think the biggest one is that we are just too tired to go. So we are going to spend the weekend at home doing fun things. We may campout in the backyard even though it is very hot. We are going to swim and watch movies and play games. I really wanted to take the kids camping, I just couldn't pull it together. Perhaps we will change our minds but for now our plans are to vacation at home.

A Good Cry

Yesterday was a very stressful day for me. I finally gave up and had a very long cry. I went to sleep at 8 pm after I had cried all the tears one person should be entitled to at one time. I don't think I have cried that hard since the second time in a row that I miscarried. Life was just too much yesterday but I survived it and things did look better this morning. Thank goodness for Amelia who knew exactly what I needed and that was her company and help. I hate to ask for help and she knows that so she didn't ask, she just came and I love her for that. I don't know why life get's to me the way it does. I watch those around me, like my friend Amelia and they just seem to have it together. So strong. I hope I am half the support to my friends and to her as she is to me. My mother would say I have a flair for the dramatics when days like yesterday happen but to be honest, in my eyes the world really looks like it is falling apart. I think I ignore things, step over or around them but not work through them and then they all come crashing down on me at once. That is what happened yesterday. The same stresses are still here today, just seem a lighter burden to carry because I know I am not carrying them alone. God knew what he was doing when he sent us here. I know that even though there are days when I ache to be back in my home in Tooele where things were so much easier. Apparently I have a lot of growing to do because we are being tried like never before but God has set me up with some awesome friends here and at home who always seem to know what to do to help me through.