No Place Like Home

Matt and I spent yet another night in the ICU of St.Josephs hospital last night. We started at the internal medicine doctor yesterday but when they checked his temperature it was 101.7. The doctor sent us straight back to the hospital suspecting that we were dealing with an infection in Matts shunt or possibly menengitis. We were very worried and tired. They took large needle and a pressure gauge and tapped into his shunt to retrieve some cerebral spinal fluid. They sent it off to be cultured. There was protein in it which indicates infection. The resident consulted infectious diseases and together they decided that they needed to watch him for ventriculitis (an infection in the ventricles in the brain). They admitted him to the ICU and it was all too familiar. They watched his fever closely overnight and waited for more results. Finally this morning when his fever had broken they discharged him and said that they would continue to culture the fluid. If it comes back with any growth they will call the doctor and we will be headed back. We are praying for NO growth. Tonight I had a small meltdown. The situation caught up with me and all I could do was cry. It is so hard to watch him suffer. We are dealing with some very bad news that accompanies all of this and from time to time that hits us as well. We have felt the love and comfort of the Lord through all of this and have faith that he will carry is through. In the meantime there certainly is "no place like home."

Surgery X 2

Matt again underwent major surgery yesterday to place a shunt in his head. He spent one more night in the ICU at St. Joseph's hospital and tonight after 6 days in ICU we are home. He is doing remarkably well for having 2 major surgeries within a 3 day period. I feel very blessed to still have him. Now the trick is to watch for and try to avoid any infection. If this shunt gets infected they have to remove it and put in another one. There is no way to kill an infection once it has reached the plastic tubing on the shunt. Although I am relieved to be home I seem to be more emotional now than when we were in the hospital. It is a big job taking care of someone you love. It is so hard to watch him suffer. It is hard to think about the future for various reasons and so we are going to take it one day at a time and record all of the memories that we can.

When You Love Someone

Matt was admitted to St. Joseph's hospital 4 days ago and underwent major brain surgery yesterday. He had what was called a ventriculostomy to open the ventricles in his head and allow the cerebral spinal fluid to regulate. His inter-cranial pressure has been high since the surgery and in the middle of the night last night they had to open the valve in his head and release 75 ml of cerebral spinal fluid that hangs in a bag next to his bed. It is a little disturbing to see what should be on the inside, on the outside. He is doing well today but his blood pressure is very high. He ran a post-op fever over night but it has come down tonight and he has been able to sit up in a chair and even walk to the bathroom. We are preparing for the good possibility of another surgery tomorrow or at the latest Tuesday. While the ventriculostomy was successful, his pressure has been rising. Because they had to drain him last night there is a chance that they may have to put in a permanent shunt. If they have to drain him tonight then we know for sure that the shunt surgery is coming. We had some very hard news along with the surgery that has changed our lives. We are very unsure what the future holds for us and we have learned that time is precious. We have a lot of changes coming that we can talk about freely at a later time. There have been a lot of tears shed by many and a lot of tears yet to be shed. Matt's step-mom was able to fly down to watch the kids so that I can spend all the time possible at the hospital. Matt's dad is coming down as soon as he can and we are going to spend some quality time as a family. When you love someone you depend on them being there always. When anything happens to that someone it is as if part of you is missing. I knew I loved my husband with all of my heart, I just didn't realize that our hearts had become one until yesterday they began to ache together. We will remain positive and absolutely in love. We will record everyday so that we have tangible memories and we will smile more.

He Literally Needs a Hole in the Head

so much has happened over the last few days. Matt and I ended up in the ER on Tuesday night because his condition had worsened. He has been in a neuro acute unit in St. Joseph's hospital ever since. Tomorrow morning they are going to drill a hole in his skull and perform a ventriculoscopy to relieve the pressure in his head. We are so thankful to be getting help for him, he has suffered for a long time now. I have been so crazy with going back and forth from the hospital, often more than once a day. It is a 90 minute drive both ways and it's been nuts. I am so thankful to my friends and the women in my ward and neighborhood for watching my kids and cleaning my house and just being there. Matt will be in the ICU after the surgery tomorrow and from there hopefully on to a road of recovery. Now to make it through this night...

This Side of Things

Last night Matt and I lay silently in bed lost in our own thoughts. When we finally did speak we were thinking the same thing. We were worrying about what the future holds in store for us. For the first time I was worried about the upcoming surgery he is going to have. So far we have been relieved that he was going to have it because it will improve things for him a lot. His head will stop spinning, there will be no more pressure and headaches and (crossing our fingers) his depression will improve. I am still grateful that these changes will take place but last night the reality of it all hit me. It has been so hard watching him shut down over the last 2 years and even more so after June 8, the day of his accident. I laid and watched him fall asleep wondering what the accident might have been like for him. Was he scared? What was he feeling as he skidded down the road. I imagine it must have been terrifying but even more I imagine it must have been a lonely experience. As glad as I am that I didn't see the accident I wish I could have been there as they loaded him into the ambulance. What if he hadn't made it. What if he would have died in the arms of a stranger. All of this got me thinking about what would have happened if things had gone differently and he hadn't made it. Where would we have gone, what would we have done. This family will not work without him. I know we would have gone back to Tooele immediately. I don't even think I would have stayed to pack up the house, we would have just taken care of the details and headed for Tooele, for home. He would need to be home. How morbid is all of this? I don't know why but it all played out in my head and then I thought "what if..." What if the surgery doesn't go as planned. Matt is so worn down physically and emotionally right now that I don't know how he is going to deal with what is to come. I wish I could take it on for him. If I could go through the surgery for him I would. I never realized how hard it is to be the one on this side of things. The one that watches the one you love hurting. I have been on the other side of it. I have been the one wheeled into the operating room for a major procedure and so that part of it would be easy for me. I have not been the one on the other side of those double doors wishing I could be in there holding his hand. I have not been the one to count down the minutes until I could be with him again. I am scared to be on this side of things. I don't want to be alone on this side of things. I need someone to hold my hand through all of this, I just don't know how strong I can be. The Lord has blessed us with so much and I know he will continue to bless us. I know that fear is Satan's way of making us feel weak and so for that reason I will be strong. I will hold this family together but I will not do it without admitting that I am scared.

This Chick is OUT!

I must say I have finally had it. I have had it with life and all it has given me lately. I am done with dumb ass people and their dumb ass comments and drama. It is disheartening to live in a world where people are inherently evil. Because I have 4 children that need me I will stick around but my contact with people in the outside world will be supremely limited. Bye Y'all, this chick is out!

Doctor Bock

I have been reading a book that was recommended to me by a woman who cut my hair and I must say that it is a life saver! It is called "The New Childhood Epidemics." I love this doctor. He has found a biomedical solution to Aspergers, ADHD, Asthma and Allergies. No more medication changes for us, we are using detox and supplements. I am super excited about all of this. We are changing our entire diet and way of life. we are doing slowly so that it's not such a shock to our world. After all, I'm just not ready to give up my OREO'S. Read the book if you or someone you love has any of the above or just read it for educations sake because believe me, our way of life in this country is what is causing these epidemics.