Tired

Today is a hard day for me. The last few days in fact have been hard for me. When we arrived here in Utah it was such a relief. It was if a huge cloud that had hung over us for years began to dissipate and sunlight began to stream through in spots. It gave us time to think and breathe which is exactly what I had needed for so long. I didn't realize that with this time to breathe and with those burdens lightened that a new storm was brewing. With the pressure of surviving gone I seem to be falling apart. Now the challenge is to survive emotionally from everything that has hit us over the last few years. I started work the day after we got here and that was a very good thing for me. It helped distract me and give me a place in the world where I wasn't somebody's mother and I wasn't somebody's wife and I wasn't the woman who's husband will someday lose his memory. I was just me and honestly that was nice. It isn't that I don't want to be somebody's mother or somebody's wife or that I won't still love and adore and stand by my husband even when he doesn't know who I am, it was just nice to be me. Now that job has ended, it was only meant to be temporary and I am so excited to be home with my children but I worry so much that I am not up to that task. I am struggling so much with a cloud of grief and sadness that hangs near me everyday and often showers me with my own tears. Everyday I am tired. Everyday I am scared. I do not sleep well. My dreams are plagued with images of the time spent in the hospital with Matt and that is an experience I was only strong enough to experience once. I have started avoiding large crowds, I cannot face them without falling into attacks of anxiety. I am avoiding people I love because I just can't find a new normal. I can't find a way to be the friend, mother and wife I once was. I can't find a way to be carefree. I worry constantly that I am failing as a wife, mother and friend. My only solice seems to be sleep. I sleep so much and I fear that it is at some great cost. Those around me try to be patient but I am constantly worried that it will damage relationships that are vital to our survival right now. It is a fight everyday within me to get out of bed and face what the day has in store and I am so tired. I wish I had a better word for it. Tired doesn't seem to be a big enough word to describe what I am feeling. I am positive that my soul is tired. I am positive that it was time to come home and I wish so much that it made everything better. It did make life easier and it did make our burden's lighter, I just never imagined that I would fall apart all over again once we were here.

It Truly Comes In Three's!

Well we are very happy to be back in Utah. We are enjoying living with the in-laws. I am extremely grateful to be sharing the housework with another woman because frankly I don't have the energy to keep a household running by myself. Matt and I are both working and matt's job came with insurance starting the day of hire and let me tell you what a HUGE blessing that has been. Since being home Nora has gotten shingles, I have had a kidney infection and Ecoli and in our latest adventures, Claire broke her elbow jumping off of a swing. We took her to the urgent care yesterday as soon as she did it and sure enough she snapped the bone in two. So that's three right? The problem is it doesn't stop there. It just seems to be one thing after another! I'm just so grateful we have insurance because the doctor said it looked like she may need surgery to fix the break. We go to the orthopedic doctor this week for either a surgery date or bone setting and s cast. I am so glad that we are here where there is help.

Shingles and Such

Today marks the end of another work week not only for me but now for Matt as well! He started last Tuesday with the State of Utah in their Social Security Claims! We have been able to ride to work together and so we have had extra time all to ourselves. We were also able to have lunch together today which is the closest thing to a date that we have had in a long time! He is enjoying his job and it has benefits which I am enjoying! It couldn't have happened at a better time either because two days ago Nora came down with shingles. Although she has been such a trooper she is in a lot of pain. I had to miss yet another day of work to take care of her yesterday but today she was left in the capable hands of Granny and Grandpa and she is doing very well.
When I got the news that Matt was going to start working I didn't quite know how to feel. I had just settled into the "I'm going to work while he takes care of the kids" frame of mind and he called me with the news that he had gotten the job. When I told my boss she was ecstatic! She kept asking me if I was excited and I wanted to be, I was definitely proud of him but the first thing that came to mind was "I can't put my kids in daycare!"
I found out about ten minutes later that there was a daycare in the building where Matt was starting work so I was hoping that would be the answer. As I drove home that night I was so anxious. I have not been away from my kids for almost 8 years and the only reason I was comfortable going back to work was the fact that my husband was going to be home with the kids. I did not want a stranger to take care of them. When I got home I had a suprize. My mother-in-law told me that she and my father-in-law had been talking and they felt it best that the kids didn't go into daycare and that they would switch their shift at the LDS temple to Friday's so that they could watch our kids Monday through Thursday. I was so relieved. I hadn't wanted to ask because they have already done so much for us. We are truly blessed to have them.
My job is a temporary one and will most likely end in July. I would love to stay on permenant for a while but only if the budget allows. It's hard not knowing what is going to happen but for once the not knowing is not a devistating feeling. For once we have options and people to help us if...no, when we need the help. Even with all of this change in our lives, even with the loss of our house, health and security the Lord has shown us the pathway we should follow. It has been hard and I will admit I have felt abandoned a time or two. I have also had feelings of resentment and rebellion but I have not had doubt that what I know is true. We have had the help of incredible friends along the way and it is those friends that helped us find our way back home. We love you all.

Another Week in Utah

Another week has passed here in Utah and we are feeling even more settled than before. The kids have been acting up a little bit but school let out yesterday for their friends and so now they get to play! They are so excited. Matt is doing well staying at home with them. The hard part is, now they seem to want to go to him more than me. Now I know what he must have been feeling all the time when he was working. Work is going well for me. Things have slowed down and so I have a lot of free time on my hands. My supervisors are so wonderful. This has been the perfect position to introduce me back into the working world. This weekend is a long one and I am looking forward to it. I can't seem to get enough sleep lately and so hopefully we can get plenty of rest this weekend as well as do some fun things. Matt and I are looking for new cars and I must say that I hate shopping for cars. We don't have good luck with cars. We are so happy to be back in Utah. The weather is cold for us now that we are accustomed to Arizona weather but hopefully now that it is memorial weekend, summer will decide to make an appearance. We are happy though and it is a wonderful feeling.

Update

I think that this is the longest I have gone without blogging! So many crazy hard things have happened but so have many good things as well. We are officially moved back to Utah. I have been working for 2 weeks and one day and believe it or not I'm really liking it! It is very hard to be away from the kids but they are with their dad so I don't worry...too much. I'm kidding, they are in great hands. Matt interviewed for a job today at a building just up the street from me. He said it went really well and so who knows, we may be able to carpool for the next little while until my temporary job ends. We are thrilled to be back in Utah but we do miss our friends in Arizona. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them or talk about them to someone. If only there were a way to blend the two different places. I want so much to show our AZ friends what the Garff family looks like and how it functions when it's not in crisis! Some of them only know the crazy life that we have been living since Matt's accident and I would love to show them the happy us. We will have to get our own place so that we can coax them into visiting. The kids are doing well. They spend their days playing in the backyard at grandpa's house and hunting for "rollie pollies." Ivan has a cup full of them, it's really quite gross. Things have fallen into place in such amazing ways for us. There is no doubt that coming home was the right thing to do. Now we just long to share that with our AZ friends as well. I guess it's true you can't have it all, at least not all of the time.

Pieces of The Heart

It has been some time since I last posted, I almost don't know where to start. Most of our friends and readers know the events of the last few months so I won't reiterate them. I will say that because of the accumulation of the events of the last few years, coupled with the events of the last few months we made a very bold decision. Matt gave his notice at the company with which he has spent the last
7 years and I got to work packing and we moved back home to Utah. This was our first week here. The week has not quite come to an end but my work week has and so I find myself with time to reflect on what we have done. Most people would and have said that this was a careless decision but those who have watched us and loved us over the last several years will tell you it was a decision long overdue. I was amazed at the events that led to our arrival in Utah after we made the final decision that we were leaving Arizona. We prayed and agonized over this decision and then humbly told the Lord that we were ready to go home. We only asked that if it was the wrong thing for our little family that he let us know. Well he let us know in many ways that it was in fact the RIGHT decision. Just one day after we finalized our plan, my sister called me and told me about some open jobs with the State of Utah. I applied because I felt it only fair that I do everything possible to contribute to the decision we had made. I had no reason to think that I would be qualified nor wanted for the job. Just 2 days later I received a message that they wanted me for an interview. My heart sank when they told me that I was needed for an interview 5 days before we were to arrive in Utah. The Lord did not let that get in the way. I was told I could interview over the phone. My sister helped me brush up on my interviewing skills as I have not worked out of the house in almost 8 years. I still had very little faith that I would get the job because I was out of state and no doubt competing with many local candidates. Again the Lord worked a miracle in our lives and I was called the day before we left AZ and offered the job. The only challenge was that they needed me to start the day after we arrived back home. I was able to start last Monday and although it has been extremely hard to leave my children everyday, I know they are in good hands with Matt and their Granny and Grandpa. So far everything has gone smoothly and we know that the Lord has delivered us home. It has not been without many tears of sorrow and joy and MANY dollars spent in gas money but we are home. I learned a very valuable lesson in all of this. The heart can be broken into pieces without it necessarily be a bad thing, as long as you leave those pieces with people you have met and loved along the way home.

They're Still Smiling

Tonight I have very mixed feelings. I am relieved that the day is over. I am relieved that our car will not cost a fortune to fix. I am relieved that the day is over (did I mention that?). Ivan had his last day of school at Simonton today and Claire's last day is tomorrow. We have been blessed to be able to fix the van but the children are still going to change schools. This is a very emotional thing for me. I have done very well at not letting the kids know I am scared for them to change schools. Claire's teacher was very emotional today when I told her that tomorrow would be claire's last day. It made me tear up. I am so grateful for the wonderful teachers that my kids have had this year and I pray that their new teachers will be just as wonderful. I am so proud of my children and the way they have adjusted to the changes this last year brought to their lives. They have been through my horrible pregnancy, the birth of a new sibling, the temporary addition of 5 foster children, their dad having a motorcycle accident, dad having 2 major neurosurgeries, moving to a new house, neighborhood and church and now changing schools. They have been troopers through it all. They have handled this last year better than Matt and I have and for that I am grateful. They amaze me everyday. Despite the very difficult time we have had (to say the least) they are still smiling and that makes my heart happy.