Mammogram, Tears and Tired, Oh My!

This week has been filled with up's and down's for me. I have been very emotional. I have tried very hard to keep busy because I seem to feel better that way. Unfortunately not everyday can be filled with things to do...well that's not true. There is plenty I should be doing but finding the motivation to do them is my problem. For a while there I really started to feel better but another round of depression has reared it's ugly head. I am grateful for the things we have, a roof over our heads, family to support us and of course each other. These are just a few but I feel that I have to give a few examples lest people think I am ungrateful. I recognize that we have been blessed, however it is hard to remember those blessings amidst the trials. With this last surgery that Matt had he was out of work for a week with no pay. We knew that it would be hard but there was no way around it, he was in no shape to go back to work. Perhaps if it had been a single hernia repair but 4 hernias repaired at once would knock anyone flat. I'm surprised that he was only down a week! So as the medical bills roll in and the paycheck doesn't it is hard not to get frustrated and down. I am not working right now and to be honest I feel worthless. Here my husband has undergone 4 major surgeries in one year and he is still working and I am home having a hard time getting out of bed each morning. I have prayed so hard to my Heavenly Father for guidance and have received a firm answer that I am not to return to work full time. My place is home with my children. They need me to help them through all that is happening to our little family but honestly I feel like I am failing at it. How can I help them when I can barely function on my own? Last week there were days when I couldn't even make myself shower. That is when I knew things were really bad. This week I am doing better at getting showered and dressed but that is about all I can make myself do. When Claire and Ivan leave for school I shut down and poor Nora and Naomi are bored out of their minds. Sesame Street and Tangled have been a godsend but I feel so guilty for not doing more. I used to take them out to play, I used to read to them and take them to the park, now I lay on the couch while they watch tv. It doesn't help that the fibromyalgia has been so much worst since we moved back. There are so many different factors that aggravate this condition and we seem to have all of those factors in our lives. I want to get better, I want to be better for my children. I know I need to go back to counseling but I'm terrified to go. I don't know why, it's not something new to me, I've done it a lot over the years but now it just seems like one more thing to do that I don't have the energy for. I just haven't felt good for a long time and it's getting worst instead of better. At the end of this month I have a checkup with my doctor and I'm hoping we can fix some of the physical symptoms. I also have to have a mammogram. I have had a lump in my armpit for about 5 months now and it can't be ignored anymore. I'm just tired. But it's nothing new and people are tired of hearing that from me I'm sure, so I'll shut my mouth and do my best to not be so dang tired.

Week in Review

Compared to most, this week was slow. I am so thankful for that! There were several days where the kids and I were able to just relax. I spent a lot of time with my friend Mandy and we had a great time. We took the kids for Halloween pictures, we decorated cookies and twice we got together with our hubbies to watch movies. It was so great to have date night again! We are all going to try to get together once a week. Matt and I really need to start having some fun! I was really not looking forward to Halloween this year. I knew that Matt would probably not feel up to trick or treating and I really didn't want to do it alone. He was such a trooper, he went! He was less than 2 weeks out of surgery and full of metal clips holding an 8x10 mesh in place inside his abdomen and he walked around the whole neighborhood with the kids and me! It was great. The kids had such a great time and I got some great pictures of Matt with them. I can't wait to get the rest of my scrapbooking stuff out of storage to catch up on his books!

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Not Today

Today is not such a good day. I just can't pull it together. Our most awesome home teachers came today and the tears started and they just won't stop. One of our home teachers stops by here and there and I LOVE it. He comes to chat with Matt and to see how I am doing. His family has been through a very rough ordeal and he takes care of everyone in his family and it's so nice to have someone to relate to. Last night one of Matt's friends from his mission called and his family too has been through a similar ordeal and it was so nice to talk to him! It's so nice to know that what I'm feeling is pretty normal for this kind of thing. Today I am overwhelmed with a dozen different emotions. We were getting dressed and ready for church and I just broke down. I should be taking the kids even though Matt can't go but today I just can't face it. I hurt so much lately. It's gotten much worse since we got here and some days I just can't get going. I feel like everyone around me is watching and judging. I realize they probably aren't but today that's just how it feels. I just used to be so on top of things, so put together and now that is gone and I feel like I'm drowning in unfulfilled responsibilities. I just hurt inside and out.

Shopping with my Claire Bear

Tonight we started a tradition that is super exciting for our family. I took Claire, just her and me to find a baptism dress. We went to Costa Vida for dinner and then met up with Aunt Mandy to go to White Elegance and find the perfect dress. Claire was so excited. She has been looking forward to this ever since Grandma sent her the money to buy her dress. When we got to the store, it didn't take her long to find the "perfect" dress. Of course she is like her mom and has expensive taste but it really is a beautiful dress. Aunt Mandy had the perfect advice, she said this is like picking out your wedding dress Claire, you always try on three and then pick one. lol. So we tried on three and then bought the one she had picked first. She is so funny. Claire has such a unique personality. It was so fun to watch her get so excited about this next step in her life. She has watched many of her friends get baptised and now she is only one month away from her own. The best part about it is that her dad will get to do it! We didn't know if he would be well enough but if his recovery continues the way it is going he will be well enough! This is a huge miracle for our family! We are so excited for her to be baptised. I am proud of her for making this decision.

Cookies and a Book!

Today was supposed to be a relaxing day...need I say more?
Doesn't it always seem to be that you are most busy when you have planned to just do nothing? That is how my life seems to roll.
Today I got called for an interview at the State Capitol. I had an internal battle about the whole thing as my kids faces and their anticipated reactions to me working again ran through my head. Funny thing is I was just interviewing, I haven't even been offered the job!
Matt looks and feels a little better today. I actually have hope for a recovery from this latest surgery after today. He said that he feels a remarkable difference between yesterday and today. I was so glad to hear it because yesterday he looked like death. He looked like it, I felt like it! I finally crashed last night after going full steam for over a week. It's amazing how tired the hospital can make you and how oxygen tanks can get heavier and heavier every time you have to lift them in and out of the car!
I don't quite know what to do with Matt, he is really down now that he has been diagnosed with diabetes and I don't know how to make it better. I have been reading everything I can on diabetes so that I know what to expect and how to make things better for him but he seems pretty shut off. I've read that this is very common. Unfortunately there was no advice for the spouse on how to help or even cope. It's hard when he is down because I try so hard not to let that happen. Then I remind myself that I needed my time just to be down and not ok with our situation and he needs his.
So it has been a long and exhausting week. I did get the chance to help my friend with her wedding invites and that was fun. And at the end of all of this 2 good friends brought me just what I needed, chocolate chip cookies and a good book. Thank goodness for friends who know just what I need!

Wow

                Wow, tonight I am feeling overwhelmed and over-informed!  I have spent the evening reading up on diabetes.  I registered Matt online with the American Diabetes Association and read everything I needed to for our appointment tomorrow.  I wanted to make sure that I had a list of questions ready for the doctor and also wanted to make sure that I knew what they were talking about so that it wouldn't be so overwhelming.  Matt is not happy about this diagnosis and of course that is normal, I don't know who would be happy about being diabetic.  I have tried to be super pro-active about all of it and I figure that way I can be there for him when he decides that he is ready to research it for himself.  I read so much but I am sure that I have only scraped the surface of all of the information that we are going to be learning.
                    Really, Matt has been doing exceptionally well with his recovery since coming home.  His pain is well controlled even without pain medication.  He ran a fever for the first two days but today has been good, no fever.  Today was not such a good day for me.  I didn't change my pain patch yesterday.  With everything that was happening I forgot and with everything I have been doing that was a mistake.  Today I was in bed for most of the day and on the couch for the remainder.  Tonight I broke down and took meds for the breakthrough pain and now I am feeling better.  I am hoping that tomorrow is a better day.  Every time Matt has surgery I realize how much he helps me.  I become very overwhelmed when I cannot ask him for help and that worries me for the future.  If things do not get better for him I am going to have to pray that my health improves and that the pain decreases or subsides.
          Tonight we started using some essential oils that were given to us by our friends family.  They are supposed to help with pretty much every health problem you can think of.  There are several that are supposed to help with diabetes and so we rubbed them on Matt's feet and his abdomen and he added more herbs to his regimen.  We were skeptical about all of the herbal treatments when Matt's family started using them but we have quickly become believers and so when our friends brought us the oils and herbs we were excited to try them. 
          So much is changing for us but it is not all bad.  I am excited that there are finally some answers to some of his symptoms.  Many of the things that he has been experiencing are very consistent with diabetes and so we can begin treating them and hopefully things will begin to improve.
          I am overwhelmed but I think that we will feel much better after we meet with the endocrinologist tomorrow and find out more about how we should treat this.  We should also get the results of Matt's blood work which will tell us if there is a pituitary problem or not. 
          On top of all of this we are dealing with problems at the school with Claire and have to meet with the principal tomorrow.  Poor Claire is having a horrible time with school and I am afraid that we are going to have to change schools.  I was so excited that they were going to be just around the corner so that we could walk with them back and forth to school but I have a feeling that Claire is going to have to attend elsewhere, there is just not much help for her there.
           So although things are very overwhelming tonight, I am feeling a little less lost and a little more organized.  I think that tomorrow's appointment will go well and hopefully it means the beginning of treating Matt and getting him better.  I am afraid that he will not get better but I try to keep those thoughts out of mind.

Today

Today was full of different emotions.  Last night was hard for both Matt and I.  We were so tired and really depressed after his diagnosis with diabetes.  His numbers have been steadily going down however which is good.  He is still in the 200's but it's going down.  I was up and down helping him through the night and so this morning I was super tired.  This morning I was able to go back to sleep after getting Matt medicated and his sugar's taken.  It felt so good to sleep.  I was so tired.  This afternoon I was able to get a break from it all and go to a wedding shower for my best friend Mandy.  It was so great to be able to go and celebrate her upcoming wedding.  I am so happy for her, she is marrying such an awesome guy and they all make a great family.  It was so great to see her so happy.  There were a few teary moments for me.  Some friends started asking about what was going on with Matt and I just couldn't help but cry.  I felt awful because it was her day but I guess that If I'm going to go anywhere right now, people are going to have to know that the wounds are still fresh and the tears just come when they want to.
Matt has developed what looks like a bed sore on the back of his head.  I'm not exactly sure what to do about it so my friend Michelle bought him a special pillow that has a hole in it and allows his head to rest without touching the sore.  We see the endocrinologist on Monday and he can take a look at it and let us know what to do.  This is all so overwhelming to me.  I'm not sure how to take care of him and that is scary.  I will just have to educate myself the best way I can so that when we go to the doctor I can know what they are talking about and ask the right questions.  I just want to know if they are going to be able to get him better or if I am going to lose him.  I just want someone to be honest with me and let me know how much time we have together if he is not going to get better.  I know how much time the think we will have together while he is lucid but I want to know how much longer I can sleep next to him in our bed.  How much longer I can hold his hand and watch movies, how much longer we can joke together and how much longer we can plan our lives together.  Perhaps I really don't want that answer.  Each day is a gift and I am trying to make every moment easier for him.  I wish so much that I could take it from him.  I wish it were me that was sick and not him.  I wish I could make it all better.