Happy Third Survival Anniversary!!!!

Three years ago today our lives changed forever.  Three years ago today my husband left to go to work and had a mini stroke in the driveway.  I took him to the local hospital to make sure that his shunt was still working and right in front of my eyes he had a massive stroke.  The artery on the right side of his brain burst and I watched him flatline in front of me.  I watched them start his heart and load him onto life flight and there they went with the glue that holds my life together.  I couldn't let this day pass without writing about it here on this blog.  I couldn't let this day pass without thanking my Heavenly Father and those doctors and nurses who took care of us during his month long stay at the University of Utah hospital.  It became our home away from home.  I barely saw my children during the entire month but I was where I was needed most.
These last 3 years have been the hardest we have ever had to endure during our thirteen year journey together.  We lost everything.  We were our own little ground zero.  A mess of trauma and tears, separation and fear.  Fear that we would lose our Daddy and my amazing husband.  These last three years have tested us in ways that we never could have imagined.  We have started rebuilding and although it has been a slow process we are starting to see our lives rise from the wreckage of that damned stroke.  My husband is a fighter.  I am so proud of what he has overcome in the last 3 years.  Somewhere whether he knows it or not during those first few hours of that stroke he made the decision to stay with us and fight.  I saw him fight everyday in that hospital.  Some days were good and some days were horrible but we were together and he stayed with me.
I didn't even realize that today was his survival anniversary until half way through the morning.  I am shocked that it didn't dawn on me a few days ago that it was close.  This means that I am healing.  This stroke has lost so much of it's power over us and I am so thankful.  I know the Lord has so much in store for us.  I can feel the changes coming.  I don't know what they will be or when they will happen but we are going to be on our feet again.  We can do hard things!!!

Matt's first day home from outpatient therapy

The staples where they took out the old shunt that failed during the stroke

our little family visiting together in the stroke rehab unit

our first family dinner after the stroke in the hospital cafeteria 

just after surgery number 3 following the stroke, he was doing rather well

cuddling with kids in stroke rehab.  we visited daddy everyday

more staples.  we couldn't even count at this point

day 2 after stroke, he was hanging in there but not breathing well

in stroke rehab and happy to be there

I think I will hate the sight of these for the rest of my life

Hanging out in daddy's room

the day before he got to come home the rehab team took us to the museum to test matts walking abilities

the morning after matt got out of surgery.  Breathing tube is out but he's not looking too hot

more staples

first dinner as a family.  Ivan missed his daddy

just wishing he would wake up

notice the facial swelling on the left, that's where they removed his skull

For those of you that have not heard or experienced the last three years with us, here is the blog post I wrote the day after Matt's stroke:

Today was probably one of the hardest days of my life and I know it was the hardest day of Matt's life. I will say however that reflecting on the events of today it is easy to see how the Lord guided us through every step and every decision we made and left my husband here on earth with me. We are not out of the woods, he has not woken up completely but there is neurological function where before the was none. It has been a long hard day but I will start at the beginning and try to tell you everything that happened.
Matt woke up to go to work this morning and was having a hard time. He was pretty grumpy which is rare for him. He woke me up to say goodbye and I asked him to stay home. We have not had a lot of time together lately and I missed him. Being the faithful employee that he is, he said he could not stay home and headed out the door to work. Being the lazy bed head that I am, I was not out of bed yet. About 10 seconds after Matt left his father Paul had a prompting from the holy ghost to look out the window and when he did he found Matt lying on the ground. He ran out and Matt was just coming around, he had lost consciousness. Paul helped him inside and the kids alerted me that he had fallen. I rushed downstairs and he was on the couch with an ice pack on his forehead where he had hit.
We decided that we better have the shunt evaluated so we got kids off to school and the neighbors and headed for Tooele hospital. On the way he became very nauseated and began vomiting. When we got there he could not walk into the hospital so I grabbed a wheel chair and rushed him inside. I checked him in and we headed to a room in the ER. When we tried to help him out of the chair and into the bed I noticed he could not open his left eye. Honestly I thought he was faking at first just to freak me out, he loves to do that. He tried to talk to the nurse and I but his speech was very slurred and the left side of his face was drooping. It was then that he lost control of his bladder and we knew something was seriously wrong. He was having a stroke right in front of me. They wheeled him to the trauma room and things went from bad to worse. He could no longer breath on his own and so they began cutting off his clothes and intubating him. I was watching from the corner in the room. He was foaming from his mouth and began posturing (worse than a seizure, nurse said you don't usually come back from that) on his right side. They then took him to CT where they found a very large 3 inch hematoma. From there they got him ready and loaded into the air-med helicopter.
My inlaws had come to the hospital and drove me up to the U of U. When I got here he was already in surgery. The trauma surgeon came out to talk to me. He said that there was no neuro function but they did not know if that was from the medication or if he would regain neuro function. We were taken to the surgery waiting room where we stayed for five and a half hours while they worked on him. At one point they came out to tell us they were trying to decide whether to keep the part of the skull they had removed or use a plate. After it was all over the surgeon came to speak with us. He said that Matt's trauma was very severe. He said that when he came in he was on step above brain dead. He explained that they were able to save the bone and that it was an artery that had burst. Matt was a very lucky man according to the surgeon but I prefer blessed :)
From there it was another 3 hours until I could see him. When I did see him he was still intubated and could not open his eyes but he squeezed my hand with his good hand. He was restrained so as not to pull out the breathing tube. They were also using a tube to empty his stomach and he did not like that at all. He didn't know where he was and I can imagine that was very frustrating to him. The night went well and at 6 am his stats were well enough to remove the ventilator. When they took it out they asked him if he knew who I was and he said " that's my wife, I want her...I always want her." I have never been more happy to hear his voice. My heart took a picture.

Forgotten

It's been so long since I have blogged, probably due to the fact that we have no working computer. You have to forgive any errors or autocorrect issues. So much has happened in our lives. I had a baby boy a year ago and if I'm not mistaken I've posted pictures of our Walker on here. Well I've had a lot of issues through this last year that led to the need for a hysterectomy. I got to keep one ovary but there was a 3.9 cm cyst on the left overy that was causing so much pain. They removed it and are checking it for cancer. That has been a little unnerving but I'm not thinking about it too much. We got to the bottom of why I haven't felt good for the last year. I was diagnosed with Addison's disease. This means my adrenal glands have just had enough and are not working anymore. So now I get to take steroids to substitute the adrenalin I'm missing. I can't tell if there's a difference yet because I'm still healing from the surgery but time will tell. I've had a lot of help from my relief society at church, they have brought meals and taken kids and helped around the house. I have been discouraged because the friends that I go out of my way to help have been absent. It's hard to feel like you have no one. I guess I've been focusing my energies in the wrong places. I should have been focusing my energy on the people around me that really care. I honestly just feel like shutting myself up in my house and leaving the world to itself. I think this surgery has just really effected me more than I thought it would. I'm trying to deal with big stuff and it's all drama because of the medications I'm on and the adjustment to this disease I have. I'm just overwhelmed.

Gratitude and peace

Had an awesome experience I wanted to share. I have really been struggling with life in general since the baby was born. Our circumstances are very hard although I have to say we are blessed! I've been missing days past. Missing the days in our old house here in Tooele before we moved to Arizona. Missing Arizona and our beautiful house and friends there and longing to go back in time. 

I had the opportunity to talk to an amazing friend and read some inspiring words from the ensign that showed me that I was letting fear interfere with my faith. 

I talked with a some more amazing friends and came to the conclusion that I had to stop praying for things to be what they were. Those experiences are in the past for a reason and I was meant to learn from them, build on them, not relive them. I stopped praying for things to get better. I stopped praying for a miracle and instead began praying that I would be at peace with where we are, the circumstances we live in and the things that we have. It did not come at once. A few weeks have gone by and I do find my mind wandering back to easier times but today I received an answer to my prayer. I left the house to walk up the street to get Naomi from preschool and as I walked across the lawn it just kind of came to me. This thought and feeling of gratitude! Gratitude for the house that we love in, for the fact that as I leave my house to pick up Naomi I have 3 other friends headed the same place and their lies warm my heart. I am so grateful for everything we've been blessed with! I cannot begin to list the many charitable acts performed for us daily by friends and especially family. Without my father in law we wouldn't have a home. I will admit some fear creeped in and I though "what if we lose this?" But I quickly pushed it aside. I got the answer I had been praying for, my heart was softened and I feel true gratitude for where we are in our lives. I can testify that prayer works! I have a testimony that God listens intently to the pleadings of even the most desperate housewife a and I know that if we can be happy with where we are, God will get us where we are supposed to be.

Damaged but Brave

A friend of mine has posed some questions to me.  She wants to know about stroke aftermath, "Whats normal and what's not etc."  I have been thinking about what I can say to her.  Unfortunately she and her family have been blind sided by their father having a stroke.  I don't know what to tell her because there is so much heart break involved in surviving a stroke, both for the victim and the family.  In my opinion everyone is a victim when it comes to a stroke. There are people out there that refuse to be classified as victims and I wish so much that I knew their secret because it has hit every aspect of our lives and sent us spinning out of control.  There is no word that describes how I felt when Matt had his stroke.  It was a moment that he and I shared. A moment that I never in my life thought that we would have to share but there it was staring me in the face.  I looked at him in the ER and asked him what was happening and I'll never forget the way he was trying to answer but couldn't because the words were lost in the trauma that was happening inside his head.  I'll never forget watching the side of his face droop and his eyes roll back in his head.  It still didn't click with me what was happening until I heard water.  I was so confused until I looked down and saw that he had lost complete control of his bladder. At that moment it clicked with me what was happening and I called to the nurse who had just left the room or rather screamed out that he was having a stroke. From there is was complete chaos as they began to work on him to save his life.  I stood quietly in the corner in shock watching everything that was happening and I will forever be haunted by this.  Matt was life flighted to the University of Utah and this became our home for over a month.
Now for the answer to my friends questions.  Unfortunately with strokes there is no normal.  It effects people so differently that normal is not something that exists in the world of stroke survival.  We have been told that things will wax and wane for Matt and as that happens it does so for the rest of the family as well.  After the stroke he was a happy person. He did well with rehab and his behavior toward the family was happy.  After a few months he began to get angry.  The slightest things would set him off.  This is where we sought help through counseling.  On an average day Matt gets up and gets to work on the bus.  He calls me on all of his breaks so that I know that he is okay.  Sometimes he calls twice not knowing that he already called.  There are times where he doesn't know what day it is.  Matt's short term memory was drastically damaged.  Our lives are a constant hunt for keys and work badges and remotes lol.  Chances are if Matt picks it up it gets lost.  But he functions so much better than the prognosis he was given.  We are very blessed. Matt is still able to do his job because that is long term memory.  It is easier for him to be at work than at home and although that is a hard pill for me to swallow, I understand.  I cannot speak for Matt but I do know his life is very frustrating.  He does not talk much about how he feels about the stroke.  For me it is a monster that rears its ugly head daily.  Counseling and medication make my days bearable.  I worry about him constantly.  The smallest thing can bring back memories that break my heart over and over again.  So I don't know what to tell my sweet friend.  There is no normal and not normal.  There is just what there is left after the stroke.  You have to get to know them all over again.  You have to be pliable and forgiving.  You have to release your anger and hatred of that monster stroke into the universe because there is no one to be mad at.  You cant be mad at the survivor and being mad at God will get you nowhere very fast.  I realize that my friend is looking for different kinds of answers.  She wants to know what is neurologically normal and what behaviors to look for. I have read so much and studied up on so much so I can give her those answers but for me the word STROKE holds so much emotion that each time I hear it I either want to curl into a ball and cry or scream at the universe and give it the finger.  Neither gets you anywhere but it happens whether I want it to or not.  I cannot watch a movie without it affecting me.  I cannot go a day without the aftermath of what happened to us.  Because of this stroke all of us are damaged in our own ways but we are re-building and dammit that make us BRAVE.

Spit up and Acrylic

There is nothing in the world like being a working mom. C.S. Lewis once said "The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career."

For 12 years now I have had the ultimate career. I have loved being a homemaker. As a young girl I would occasionally entertain the idea of being a teacher or a veterinarian but I always came back to the idea that I wanted to be a mother. 

Since being married I have had jobs on the side like daycare or an occasional temp position but I have never had a career outside of "the ultimate career"...until now. What do nails and spit up have in common? Me, that's what. An average day around here is full of tears, laughter, macaroni and cheese, bottles and spit up on my newly washed work clothes. In addition to that you'll find acrylic fumes and a large amount of acrylic dust. This summer has proven to be very challenging but I have managed to bring in the clientele I was praying for. God has certainly been good to us. I often feel guilty when I tell people I'm a working mom. There is a stigma that seems to follow it and I'm ashamed to say that I used to fall into the habit of thinking what others think of me now. I used to wonder how in the world women could leave their children for a career that was far less meaningful than "the ultimate career." I have been taught a huge lesson in humility. I have spent days fighting with the children. Sometimes these days are so intense that I completely understand how some women choose to work outside of the home. Some people are better for it. I respect these women. My circumstances being what they are I have  not chosen to work but have had to work to keep a roof over our head. I am blessed to have a career that has allowed me to work from home but it adds so many challenges. This is where the spit up and acrylic nails collide. At the end of the day I have to laugh it off and thank The Lord for both!

Every Now and Then

Today was a good day. Today the kids and I got to spend some time with one of my best friends and her girls, they live in AZ. It was like no time had passed other than the kids are all older. I knew I missed my AZ friends but I didn't realize just how much before today. I love Utah. I never wanted to move to AZ in the first place when Matt was transferred but I knew it was right. I knew it was what The Lord wanted for us. It was so hard to pick up and move away from family and friends here in Utah and head to a place that we knew hardly anything about. What I found out through living there is that The Lord knew we needed the friendships that we made there. We didn't need them to replace the friendships we have here in Utah but to add to them. We met some of the most amazing families in Queen Creek and I thoroughly miss that little community. We were out in no mans land and had to drive quite a ways to get anywhere but I loved it! I miss driving up to the gas station everyday for my coke. I miss daily walks to the park where I could sit and talk to friends while the kids covered themselves head to toe in sand! I miss walking my kids to school everyday in such a tiny community. It was 10 times smaller than Tooele. We lived in a residential area away from the main roads. There were no busy streets and we all knew each other. I loved the diversity among my friends. I miss the landscaping and the parks but most of all I miss the people. I have amazing friends here in Utah and I know that it was The Lord that brought us back home but when we left, a piece of my heart stayed in AZ and every now and then that piece of my heart aches to go back.

Why I Became a Nail Technician

Today was a different day. I usually get up, feed children and get ready to work.  Working from home has been quite a challenge this summer but we're surviving it and my amazing clients are so understanding. My first appointment didn't show and I was a little disappointed until I got a call from the sister missionaries.  I guess that word has traveled that I do free gel for the sisters.  It was meant to be only for the sisters in my area but it was so fun to have 4 sisters in my house and to get to know them.  It had been a hard day and that helped a lot.  This afternoon I had a new client and it was so nice to talk with her.  She too was a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and we had the opportunity to talk about things you don't normally talk about during a nail appointment.  It was just what I needed.  After she left I was tired but I kept myself going.  I cleaned up the house and harvested apricots in the front yard.  From there I went to the store and fixed dinner.  It is more than I have done in a month!  It felt so good to be MOM again.  I have struggled so much with being a working mom but today I finally felt like I can do it.  It felt so good to be everything to everyone today.  My schedule has been a little less busy this week and although it worries me a little it is giving me the opportunity to clean, organize and be the mom I want to be to my children.  When Matt had the stroke, I knew that things would never be the same.  It didn't dawn on me that I would have to work and help support the family as much as I do.  Months after the stroke when Matt had gone back to work I was trying to budget what little income we had.  I couldn't make it work and I was at a loss.  The kids were screaming, the house was a mess and I felt so alone.  It dawned on me that I should get on my knees and pray.  I couldn't find a quiet place in our crazy house so I secluded myself to the bathroom.  I was hoping the kids wouldn't come looking for me or pound on the door.  I needed to speak to my Father in Heaven.  I poured out my heart.  I laid everything on him.  I let him know how scared I was, how I didn't know if my husband was ever going to get better.  I was so afraid that he was going to die and I would be here with the children and no way to support them.  After a while I got the impression that education was the key.  I had been talking to Matt for years about how I would love to nails and the thought came to me that I should give it a try.  I never expected my Father in Heaven to be so specific but the minute I decided I was going to go to nail school I felt calm.  I talked that night with Matt and later that week with the bishop and it was reaffirmed to me that I should follow the promptings I was getting from the Lord.  It was then that a whole new chapter of my life started.  The rest of the story will be told another day.  This experience has taught me to go for it!  If it's hard and scary, hit it head on!  I am so thankful for the strength that this experience gave me.  I'm so thankful for a Savior that loves me enough to talk me into something as crazy as nail school.  He knew that it would be just what my family needed.