This Better Be the Worst of It All...(Warning, very negative blog entry)

So this is my venting session. If you are looking for an uplifting post about how wonderful life is and how grateful we all are, you are in the wrong place. Perhaps later,in minutes,in hours,in days, who knows how long I will post about the many wonderful things that I have and how grateful I am for them. There are countless things but right now I am all about venting my frustrations and my anger. Here they are in no particular order:

1. I got a letter in the mail today stating that there are criminal charges pending against me in Tooele because of three library books that I checked out that were not returned. CRIMINAL CHARGES????!!! You have to be frickin' kidding me. In order to avoid the prosecution of these charges, I have to pay for the books and $30 for the attorney fee. We barely have enough money to eat! The thing that makes me the most angry is that the day that we were moving I found them. They weren't due for about a week and so I said to a friend of mine that we would just take them back to the book drop on our way out of Tooele for the final time. She insisted that she would do it for me. She just wanted us to get on the road because it was so late. I trusted her to take them back and after everything I did for her she failed to take them back so here I am the criminal. I know, I should have taken them back myself. It seems with this particular person I find myself saying "I shouldn't have trusted her a lot."

2. The second thing that I am so upset about is how things are going here in Arizona. Matt and I both seem to be losing our minds. We knew this would be hard but this has been the ultimate test of our faith yet. It seems to be one thing after another here. If it's not bills, it's homesickness or stress at Matt's job, or lack of money to pay for the food and diapers that we need. We just seem to be digging ourselves deeper into debt and I don't understand it because we are not buying anything extra! I haven't been shopping in months, I haven't bought anything that wasn't an ABSOLUTE necessity and I have been diligent about checking with my husband before making ANY purchase because I know that sometimes my "needs" are really "wants" in disguise.

3. The third thing that is bothering me is my backyard. Yup, my backyard. How utterly stupid is that? When we first moved in, it was nothing but dirt and mud when it rained. My mom came out to AZ when we first got into our house and helped me put in a beautiful backyard. Well about a month after that it began to rain and the weeds started coming up EVERYWHERE! I have tried to keep them under control with sprays and even getting down and pulling them myself but I just can't stay ahead. The grass is dying because we don't' have a sprinkler system or a drip system and we cannot afford one. I try to water it by hand but honestly it is the last thing that I think about during the day. There is so much garbage out there because of my kids and my neighbors kids that I am starting to wonder if I live at the town dump. Why don't I just go out and pick it up you ask? Well because there is this black cloud that resides above my head and haunts me every hour of the day. It hovers and haunts me, keeping me at an ever sluggish pace.

4. The fourth thing that is bothering me is that I am going to have to get a part-time job. Right now I am going to try to work "Scentsy" but in the meantime I have applied at a children's clothing store and I am terrified at returning to work. I haven't worked, I mean really worked steadily since I had Cushing's Disease (http://csrf.net/) and it terrifies me to have a job outside of the home. I had a panic attach just turning in the application.

5. The fifth thing that is bothering me is that my husband is struggling so much with the fact that his salary is not enough to support us. He is so down and so down on himself and I don't know what to do to help him. I don't' know that right words to say to let him know that I think that he is doing a wonderful job. I need him to know that he is everything to us, but nothing I say seems to make that better for him.

6. The thing I think that is bothering me the most is the pain that I have day in and day out. I wake up sore and I go to bed in extreme pain, both physical and emotional. The smallest tasks and I mean daily tasks are huge things for me. Mopping my kitchen floor seems and insurmountable task. I was promised at one time that if I would endure all of my afflictions, they would be for my good but I fear that I am failing at this one. I am not enduring this pain well. I am having a nervous breakdown and how is that for enduring it well? I just want to feel like a 29 year old and not a 90 year old. I just want to wake up and feel pumped for the day and be able to clean my house without being down in bed for two days afterward.

It just seems like we had it so good in Tooele. We know that the Lord has brought us to AZ for a reason. I know that it is my lack of faith and knowledge that is causing my doubt, fear and anger but sometimes you just have to feel down and that's okay as long as you can get yourself back up. It's just such hard work to get back up...