Done

I wish there were a way to scream through the computer screen because that is the sound you would be hearing from me right now. I am done. I am done with life, I am so done. I am done with family, I am done with this house, our bills, our life. I want to pack up this family and move far away where we know no one and just exist, not live. Ivan turns 4 today and we had to call our families to remind them. We were un-invited to a lake powell trip that we were supposed to leave for tomorrow because Claire has mono. This is the last straw. I honestly (and this sounds harsh) feel like walking upstairs, climbing out the window and jumping. This trip was the one thing that was going to save us. It was going to renew everything and now that's gone. I think I am actually going crazy. I am shaking because I am so angry. I don't think I have ever been this angry. This is it for me, I am done.

Party

Tonight we had a birthday party for Ivan. He turns 4 years old on Sunday. I can't believe that my little man is getting so big. I was looking through pictures of his first birthday and I can't believe how much he has changed and how much he is the same. It was fun tonigh but there were many people missing. I am so grateful to the friends that were there, especially because Matt got detained at work and missed the majority of the party. I am so angry that my husband has been lost in a world of anxiety and depression that I cannot pull him back from. He is harassed and belittled at work. I know I shouldn't post about it but I have to say something before we all go crazy. I am having a very hard time understanding why he was supposed to stay with this company and why we were supposed to move here if it was going to take him away from us. I am so grateful for the friends that we have made here and I would have a hard time leaving them but we need to go wherever my husband is. He is not here. There is someone here that looks just like him but this man does not laugh anymore. This man has lost his sarcasm (which for Matt is a huge deal), this man has lost his very will to live. This man does not seem to notice us anymore because he is hurting so badly. I pray that we can find a way to rectify the situation we have gotten ourselves into. I am starting to lose faith in our decision to move to Arizona. Perhaps it was not inspiration at all, merely a feeble attempt to create a better life for our family. It just might be time to pack it in and crawl back home with our tails between our legs.

I need this T-Shirt. If it weren't $25.00, I would buy 7 of them, one for every single frickin' day. I am so pissed at absolutely nothing. Every little noise the 8children in my house are making drives me through the roof. I feel like my head is going to explode. I have told Ivan to "shut-up" about a thousand times today. Mother of the year, right here. I literally feel like I am going to explode. I have another ultrasound a week from Monday but the fact that I am completely hormonal tells me that things are probably okay. I need a million and one xanax to finish this day.

Dumping The Bike

Yesterday on his way to work, Matt had an encounter with a very rude driver and it caused him to dump his motorcycle. Needless to say, he still finished the ride to work and stayed the whole day. When he got home he went to the urgent care and got a tetnis shot and then I bandaged him up. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps the bike was not the smartest idea.

Take Your Junk

Doubt, Anger and Fear Pushed Upon Us By Others

I am scared for my Claire Bear. I am scared that my child who is being extremely well taken care of by several doctors, not to mention her parents is facing a very hard life ahead. I am not afraid that her diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome will be her challenge, but rather people who do not understand or care to try to understand. We have been challenged by people we thought closest to us regarding her diagnosis and our approach in parenting. As her mother, my judgement has been brought into question and that hurts the most. I have been suffering right along side of my daughter from the time that she was 6 months old, waiting for a diagnosis that made sense and now that we have it, it is being assumed that perhaps she is fine and that it is me that has the problem. Perhaps I have not gotten enough opinions, perhaps my child is normal and I just can't handle the pressures of parenthood. To those who have these opinions or assumptions, I say GOODBYE. Your presence in our lives is no longer needed nor appreciated. We have been working with this for almost 6 years now and we do not need your judgement. If you cannot be supportive do not call, do not visit, do not write. We do not need this process to be any harder or more painful than it already is. You are free to take your opinions to someone who wishes to keep them. As for us, we have enough junk, we don't need yours.

A Very Disheartening Diagnosis

Well, we have had diagnosis number 2 but this one is for Ivan. He was diagnosed today with Bipolar Affective Disorder or Manic Depressive Disorder. Here is his blog: www.ivangreatandterrible.blogspot.com
I never figured I would start 2 different blogs for two different children with 2 different diagnoses. I must say that tonight I am very down about all of this. Most days it is just our life but today it seems like a disaster.

Almost 5 Weeks

Well, one more day and I will be 5 weeks pregnant. This is two weeks longer than our last one lived. I am starting to get excited but I push it away. The thing that I am most excited about is the fact that I have NO cramping! I even had cramping with Claire and Nora. I have an ultrasound on Monday and they said that we will be able to see the heartbeat. We will just see. I hope it's there and that the fetus is viable. I will be so glad when the security comes and I can start letting myself plan for a new member of our family. In the meantime I am terrified but I just try not to think about it. In fact, most of the time I don't think about being pregnant. It dawns on my every once and a while when I am extremely tired or cranky but other than that, it's just somewhere in the back of my mind so that I don't get too used to the idea. We'll see, we'll see.

Change is Good...

I love my new hair color! I forgot how much a new hair color can boost your spirits. It has been a very trying day. I have been trying desperately to clean the house and the mess just seems to be moving. One of my good friends gave birth last night to a baby girl and Matt's cousin just found out she is having her second set of twins. I am so happy for them but for some reason I am anxious. I think I just wish I was that far along in this pregnancy so that I could have a little peace of mind. It may also be that I would have been that far along with the baby I lost in March and I still think about it. I still think about the last two that I lost very much. I feel like I have created a distance between me and this pregnancy. I have not allowed myself to be excited and that's really hard. Hopefully on Monday when I see the heartbeat things will change a little, we will just see. For now I am very on edge but craving a hamburger and Oreo's, so I know that I'm still prego!

Night Swimming

Tonight we took the family and went to the pool from 7pm-9pm. It was a lot of fun. We didn't have to worry about sunscreen or burning our feet on the sidewalk and the outside temperature when we got there at 7 was only 104 degrees! When we left it had cooled down to a comfortable 100 degress. I never in my life thought that an outside temperature of 100 degrees would be comfortable. It was so fun to watch the kids at the pool. One thing that I have observed about our kids is that they are all very independent. Claire seems to be the most independent of them all but Nora kept telling me "be right back" and then she would go off to the kiddie slide by herself. Of course I stayed right where I could see her but it amazed me that my 2 year old daughter was doing this by herself. Ivan is just 100% boy. He is always jumping, running, shouting etc. and although it is trying, I love the enjoyment that he finds in life. He is just taking advantage of every moment and loving it. It is so great to see him at the pool having so much fun. Thanks sooo much to Grandpa Paul who gave us the money to buy passes to the pool so that we can have these moments. It is not often that we can go somewhere just as a family and have this much fun. I felt such a great amount of love for my little family tonight.
Check Claire's blog for updates www.clairebearsjourney.blogspot.com

Family Home Evening Rock Band

For family home evening last Monday we got together with friends to play Rock Band! We had so much fun, despite the fact that the air conditioning in the basement had gone out and I had a pinched sciatic nerve. Annmarie was so awesome and took me to the urgent care after the festivities. It was an awesome time!

So far, So Good...

I had my blood drawn yesterday to check my quants again and today I got the call about the results. My quants are multiplying like they should be and they want me in for an ultrasound on Monday to check the viability of the baby. As of now I have carried this baby further and longer than the last. I have had absolutely no cramping which is very reassuring. I am excited for the ultrasound on Monday, they said they may even be able to see a heartbeat. I am still very hesitant to let myself get too excited but I must admit, each day that this baby lives within me my excitement and contentment grow.
On another note, I finished the first blanket that is to be donated for families with stillborn babies. It was such a sense of accomplishment. I am so glad to be doing this but sad that there is a need to do it. I was able to finish it because I have been stuck on the couch all day. I pinched my sciatic nerve and last night I ended up in the urgent care because of the pain. It is forcing me to take it easy but that is a good thing. So there are a lot of things going on around our house but we are happy.

No Fair

I am very frustrated tonight. I have been on edge in general lately due to the uncertainty of our situation. It is not easy to wait and see if you are going to have a baby or a miscarriage. I am so frustrated with the situation in our house. Claire and Ivan are struggling a lot lately and when they struggle, we all struggle. The house cleaning, meal cooking etc. is left solely up to me and I don't feel like that is fair. I am tired of the assumption that it is always my job to make sure that this house is clean and that the laundry is done and that dinner is on the table. I know that as a stay at home mom these are duties that I should perform and I don't mind doing them, it's just the ASSUMPTION that I can do it all that bothers me. For instance, this morning I got up and cleaned the house. We are not just talking dishes and picking up, We're talking shampooed carpets, mopped floors etc. Stuff that is just not easy for me to do physically. No one helped me clean up the mess that was made yesterday when I was not even here. It gets so tiring cleaning up messes that you don't make. After church, we came home and the kids went about making a mess of the house that I had just cleaned and Matt sat down in the chair to sleep. Normally this would not have bothered me but he slept all through church in the foyer on a couch with Ivan so I was pissed. There was no dinner in the crock pot and so something had to be made. It was clear that everyone assumed that I would make dinner. No one offered to help and when I asked for it, Matt got mad. We are just having a really rough time right now. He is stressed with work and I am stressed with the two older kids and worrying about whether this baby will join us or join it's siblings in heaven. Add hormones to all of this and you have one very bad situation. I feel like screaming at everyone. I feel under appreciated and overworked. I am not sure I can do everything that is expected of me. How do I carry this whole family on my shoulders? This day has made me very sad. I feel like giving up. At this point I truly am a Desperate Housewife, I just don't look as good as they do.

Tomorrow will be the 4 week mark for this pregnancy. That is a week longer than I carried the last one. I am hoping so much that we can keep this pregnancy. I say pregnancy because I refuse to let myself think of it as a baby yet. It is just too painful to imagine them being born and then lose them before they are even fully formed. So far I feel good. There is no cramping like there was with the last two pregnancies and I am very tired. Tomorrow the Doctor will call me with my quants and hopefully they are very high. I wasn't going to tell anyone about this pregnancy until later, until we knew if it was going to stick but I figure if I lose it I will need all the support from close friends and family. It doesn't hurt to have the prayers either. So for now I am going about life and trying to hope for the best.

I Survived "Traffic Survival School"

Today was one of the most dreaded days but I survived it. I spent 9 hours in Traffic Survival School and although they almost got the better of me, I survived. I don't think my back or legs will ever be the same because they had the MOST uncomfortable chairs ever. All that I learned today was that Arizona has ridiculous traffic laws. There are so many that make absolutely no sense. For instance, if you speed up more than 5 miles per hour to make it through a yellow light it is called exhibition of speed and you will get a ticket. If you are drinking a beer in your driveway while cleaning your car and your keys are inside on the counter, a police officer can give you a ticket for DUI merely for assuming you have the intent to operate your vehicle while intoxicated. Arizona is a no tolerance state. That means that if you have a cold or allergies or are on perscription drugs for psychiatric conditions or pain pills of any kind, they can charge you with DUI. These examples were actually used in class. They don't have to have a reason to pull you over. They can make a random stop and take blood. The police officers here are trained phlebotemists. I know what you are thinking...they can't do that, it's a violation of your rights. NO. By signing for your liscence you give implied consent for them to do this. If you refuse to let them it is an automatic one year suspension of your drivers liscence. I am sorry but I think all of this is a little extreme. I could go on for hours about the ludicrous things I learned today but it nearly killed me to hear them all so I will spare you. It was just a huge wake up call for me. It made me realize that we are all sheep. We go about our lives complying to laws that we don't even know exist that are made by people who are living in an alternate reality of some sort or another. I want to know if the people who made these laws were intoxicated at the time. I must say I am disappointed in the law makers in Arizona and I intend to be more aware of the issues I can vote on so that I can have a say in stupid laws like the ones I learned of today.

Diagnosis: Aspergers Disorder

After 4 and a half years of searching for help for our little Claire Bear, we have been given a firm diagnosis of Asperger's Disorder. Claire has struggled throughout her short five years here on earth but she is doing better and better, especially with the help of the awesome doctors and psychologists here in Arizona. What a blessing it is that the Lord sent us to a place where we could finally get the help that we needed. We had a feeling that the diagnosis of ADHD did not fit and none of the medications that we were trying for that particular disorder were working either. We can now start on a new and hopefully easier journey with the right diagnosis and help from others with children who have this same disorder. She is going to go to half day kindergarten this fall and she will spend some of her afternoons in group therapy with other children that have asperger's disorder. She is so smart and although we have struggled so much and we bump heads like crazy, I love her with all of my heart and am so glad that we are getting the right help for her. Thank you to all of you that have been supportive of everything that we have been going through. You can read more about Claire's journey @ Clairebearsjourney.blogspot.com .

Made with Love...

Today in reading through blogs I stumbled across one that was deticated to a little boy that was born and lived only 18 hours due to trisome 18. In reading through his story I realized that I need to work faster making the blankets that I am making. I am crocheting blankets for still-born babies or babies that cannot leave the hospital with their parents. I am nearly through the first one and I can't wait to donate it. They are going to have tags on them that say "Made with Love for Your Angel Baby." The one I am working on is a beautiful pale purple. As soon as it is finished I am going to make a blue one and rotate through different colors. I am hoping that by doing this I can touch the lives of families that have touched me without even knowing it.

First Visit

Well, I went to my first OB appointment today. The OB that saw me for the last miscarriage said she wanted to see me as soon as I got a positive test and I took another one last night that again showed positive. So I called and went in this morning to have my quants (hormone levels)checked. In the office that I go to there are around 9 different doctors and the one I saw was very un-professional and so I am going to find another OB as soon as I am a little further along and that is if I do not miscarry this one. It really was a rather awful experience this morning and so we are going to file a complaint against the practice. It's amazing how people talk about you when when they think you can't hear them. It's also amazing the discrimination that comes along with taking NECESSARY psychiatric medications. People can be so naive and stupid sometimes. Anyway, that is my rant for the day.
Poor Claire Bear has the flu like I did last week. She is so sick. She threw up 4 times today before I went to the doctor. I wasn't going to go but they had insisted on seeing me so I thought if I went things might turn out a little different with this pregnancy, we will just see. Luckily we have the most awesome girl that lives across the street that knows so much about taking care of kids although she is only 12 years old. We love having her here, she took such good care of my kids, especially Claire. I hope that she feels better because I am going to be gone all day tomorrow at a stupid traffic survival course due to running a red light and being caught by a traffic camera. She will be with Matt but when your sick I think moms are just the best thing. So it looks like we will not be doing anything very fun this weekend. We will just see!

Hope it Sticks

Well, I found out yesterday that I am pregnant. At first I thought I wasn't because the second line was so faint but it was there and I am. I cried when it set in that I was pregnant. I want another baby so badly but unfortunately we have learned the very hard way that pregnancy does not always end in a baby for us. We will just have to wait and see what happens. I am only about 3 weeks along so I am "minutes pregnant" as my last doctor would say. I hope so badly that this one sticks. Whether or not it does, today I have had a sense of peace that I hope will accompany me regardless of the outcome of the next few weeks.

Tooth Fairy Comes Early

Last night was a very eventful night at the Garff house. Claire and Ivan were playing and he managed to pull out one of her teeth and make another loose! Obvioulsy they were getting ready to loosen up. We had gone to the dentist last year in Tooele and the x-rays showed that her permanant teeth were very close the the baby teeth. They told us that she would lose teeth earlier than usual but I thought they were full of crap because she didn't lose any. Well, I guess all they needed was a little help. Claire had a binki in her mouth (who knows why, she stopped using them almost 2 years ago) and Ivan grabbed it and pulled. Claire came running through the kitchen screaming with blood dripping from her mouth. I had no idea what had happened (because I couldn't understand her)until she handed me her front bottom tooth! I tried not to freak out because I thought they had gotten knocked out of her head. It wasn't until about an hour later that we discovered that the one next to it was loose as well. So my baby has started losing her teeth and that makes me feel old!

End of the Week

Wow,it seems like this week was very long. Today was a hard day for our little family but it was good at the same time. We had too much flu and too much sun this weekend and so today we had to take it easy. I took out my guitar today which I haven't played in about 10 years and it was just like riding a bike. I can still play the handfull of songs that I learned way back when. All my years of growing up, music was a huge part of our lives and I want that for my kids. Tonight before they went to bed I was able to play "I am a child of God" and they sang along. If we are going to start camping as a family, the guitar is what makes a camping trip complete.
I have had a hard time this evening. I have been very anxious and irratable. I don't know if it's a rainbow or just hormones but I am all over the place. I am hoping for the best but we will see. I wish it was not time to start another week but at the same time I am ready to get things back on schedule. Like I said, I am all over the place. Guess it's time for bed.

Terrified

This weekend has been a wild one. We went from the flu to swimming to movie nights to SLEEP. I have had a lot on my mind. I just found out that one of my good friends is about to have a baby and it is the first time I have felt that little jab at my heart. I am completely happy for her but I ache for myself at the same time. Is that selfish? I also read about a woman that had a stillborn baby at 41 weeks. That is so crazy. It seems like I go from being terrified that we won't get pregnant, to terrified that we will and I'll miscarry to terrified that once I get past the "3" month safe zone that something will happen to the baby. I just feel like one big walking time bomb for babies. I feel like shouting "Don't nest in here, you'll be sorry, you're doomed." So that was really morbid but that's what I feel like doing. Just lifting my hands to the sky and shouting it.

Home for the 4th

Well, we were going to go camping for the 4th of July weekend but we decided against it. There are many reasons but I think the biggest one is that we are just too tired to go. So we are going to spend the weekend at home doing fun things. We may campout in the backyard even though it is very hot. We are going to swim and watch movies and play games. I really wanted to take the kids camping, I just couldn't pull it together. Perhaps we will change our minds but for now our plans are to vacation at home.

A Good Cry

Yesterday was a very stressful day for me. I finally gave up and had a very long cry. I went to sleep at 8 pm after I had cried all the tears one person should be entitled to at one time. I don't think I have cried that hard since the second time in a row that I miscarried. Life was just too much yesterday but I survived it and things did look better this morning. Thank goodness for Amelia who knew exactly what I needed and that was her company and help. I hate to ask for help and she knows that so she didn't ask, she just came and I love her for that. I don't know why life get's to me the way it does. I watch those around me, like my friend Amelia and they just seem to have it together. So strong. I hope I am half the support to my friends and to her as she is to me. My mother would say I have a flair for the dramatics when days like yesterday happen but to be honest, in my eyes the world really looks like it is falling apart. I think I ignore things, step over or around them but not work through them and then they all come crashing down on me at once. That is what happened yesterday. The same stresses are still here today, just seem a lighter burden to carry because I know I am not carrying them alone. God knew what he was doing when he sent us here. I know that even though there are days when I ache to be back in my home in Tooele where things were so much easier. Apparently I have a lot of growing to do because we are being tried like never before but God has set me up with some awesome friends here and at home who always seem to know what to do to help me through.