Happily Ever After

Tonight I attended a candlelight vigil for a five year old girl from our ward that drowned last Saturday night in the families backyard pool. I had never been to a candlelight vigil before and did not quite know what to expect. It was a very neat experience to see the people from our community come together to support this family. There was quite a large crowd of many different people who did not know each other but came together for a mutual cause.
As members of our ward spoke about little Rachel and what she had already come to mean to people in our community we held our candles. There was a slight breeze and I found myself protecting my little flame with my palm trying very hard not to let it blow out. It was then that I started thinking about how much this flame is like our children. They are so vulnerable to the things around them. They are given to us for a short time and it is our job to protect them. At times the flame would blow close to my hand and I could feel the heat and a small amount of discomfort. It is so much like parenthood. There are times when you see your child struggle or make wrong decisions and that is when you feel the heat and pain of a broken heart but you stand still and steady so that they won't burn out. The thing that struck me the most was that no matter what angle I held my hand at, my little candle flickered and threatened to burn out. I realized then that no matter what we do, no matter how careful and attentive we are, sometimes horrible things happen to our little ones. It is no one's fault. It is simply the Lord calling them home. All we can do is take comfort in the fact that we did whatever we could to protect them and that we loved them. We must simply have faith that our love and our protection were enough to teach our children the lessons they must know before returning to our Heavenly Father.
It's amazing what one little candle can teach a mother who is looking for reassurance that her own children will be okay. A mother who hugs her own 5 year old daughter every time she gets the chance and thanks the Lord that she is still alive. A mother that feels she wouldn't have the strength to walk her dying child to an operating room to give up the last parts of her little one to save the lives of others. A mother looking for peace in her own life when other's lives are in turmoil. A mother doing everything she can to "do it right" and feeling like she has no idea what to do.
I am so thankful for the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am so thankful for the image I have of this perfect little child that was taken from her parents too soon, sitting in the Saviors lap and smiling because she is home. I am thankful for the knowledge that I have that Jesus Christ lives and has paid the price for our sins and has felt our pain. I am so thankful for the comfort that this belief brings and the knowledge that I have that no matter what happens to my own children, I can be with them for all eternity. We will never have to part forever, maybe for a short term in this life but in the end we will have our happily ever after.

Absolutely Sick

Tonight in reading the newspaper online about my neighbors little girl who drowned, I came accross many hurtful comments blaming the parents for this tragedy. I am so sick to my stomach. I am so angry at people right now. How dare they. I could not leave it be and so I had this to say to all of them:

To all of you that have commented I have this to say. Have you wondered how you would feel if this was your friends, your neighbors, your family? It is true that drownings can be prevented most of the time but when a child dies in this sort of accident, why is this there immediate need for complete strangers to point blame when they know nothing of the people they are pointing at. I am neighbors to this poor family. Rachel was a 5 year old just like my daughter and she would ache to know the hurtful aweful things that you people are saying. Her parents will live with this the rest of their lives. They will have the guilt, the loss, the "what if's." They don't need your ridicule. Heaven forbid you ever do something wrong in your life and something tragic happens. My heart aches not only for this little family but for those of you that do not have the heart to simply grieve for them but spout ugly accusations and hatred their way.

I pray for these parents. I know that this is something I would struggle with the rest of my life. I pray for people in general that they can be more forgiving, more loving and more like our Savior Jesus Christ.

Heartbroken

The Allen's in our ward said goodbye to their 5 year old daughter this morning at 12:30am as they walked her down to the OR so that she could become an organ donor. Her organs will save the lives of at least 5 other children.
I am so heartbroken for this family. Everytime I see my little Claire I wonder what that would be like and it is impossible to imagine. Things like this tend to hit me so hard. I can't help but internalize them. The hardest part is not being able to help in any way. Funeral plans are underway but I just wish there was something I could do to help them now.

Mixed Feelings

Today I was determined to start packing the house so that we could move. I did start cleaning things out and throwing things away but I just kept thinking about all the negative aspects to moving back to Utah. It was so weird. I would stop myself and say "but I want to go back." I don't know if it is just my fears, or the Lord trying to let me know that we are still supposed to be here. I just see a long future for us here even though it seems impossible. I just want to make more friends here. I am so thankful for the activities committee. It forces me to get out and meet people. I met the nicest girl at the last activity who is a dula and I think we are going to have her help us with this birth. I would like to try it natural if I can. I just need someone to help me through it. Matt is wonderful but he has no idea what to do when I am in labor. Right now with everything seeming so bleak, the one thing I have to hold onto is the birth of this child. I pray that everything will go well and he/she can join our family. We have decided on names. If it is a boy we are most likely going to name it Owen Matthew and if it's a girl it is Naomi. We don't have a middle name picked out for a girl yet but all in good time. So far things are going well. I am way sick and that is a good sign. I am way tired and that is good and bad. I see the doctor in 2 weeks and believe it or not I will be done with my first trimester. :)

A Decision

I have made a decision. This will probably change but for now it's our plan. I am going to start packing up this house and get ready to move. Matt is not doing well at all. His time is almost up at Hanjin and I think it is time that we seriously start looking at moving home. I just wish we hadn't gotten rid of all of the boxes we used to move here.

Somber Sunday

Last night was a sad night in our little neighborhood. As Matt and I were leaving for a ward activity (I am on the activities committee) there were 4 police cars racing through our neighborhood. They blocked off the roads at the end of our street and in front of the school just a block away. There were ambulances and 3 helicopters as well. When we got to the ward another member of the activities committee was there and he informed us that some new members of our ward had just found their only two children face down in their backyard pool. One was 2 and one was 5. The two year old was revived at the scene and is doing well in the hospital but their five year old girl was never revived and is now on life support in the hospital and has been declared brain dead. This family has not even finished closing on the house that they were buying just one street up from us.
Today at church there was a very somber feeling as everyone was updated or alerted to what was going on. In primary they did their usual spotlight but spotlighted little Rachel. I just kept thinking to myself that I have children that age. What if that had been Claire or Nora? I am sure that a lot of people had those exact same thing going through their minds. It is a helpless feeling not to be able to do anything for them. It is good to know that we can pray for them however. I would love to see a miracle happen and to have this little girl join her family here on earth again but it does not look good.
It seems as though Arizona has made me aware of so many more dangers in this world. In Tooele we were in a little safety bubble where life was really good and things seemed really safe. I do not have that feeling here. With the crime and other things that happen so often here it seems like such a more dangerous place. It is funny the things you take for granted when you find your self without them, especially security of every kind. I pray for this family and hope that you will too.

Homebound Hell

It's so funny that I forget how miserable I am when I am pregnant. I have done really well until this last week and now I am just sick, sick, sick. My poor kids have resulted to playing with a stroller in the house. They fill it with toys and Nora and run through the hallway. I am hoping that no one gets hurt but I am desperate enough for the rest that I continue to let them do it. My poor house is just trashed. Everyday I make them pick up a little but you really would hardly know that we do anything at all. The only thing that I keep thinking is how worth it this is all going to be when we add a new little one to our family. I try not to think of all of the horrible things that could happen to prevent this baby from joining our family and everyday that things go well I breathe a sigh of relief and thank the Lord. I wish so much that Matt had a schedule that allowed him to be home during the week. I realize that would mean sacrificing some time with him on the weekends but I need him here so much right now. It's hard to be sick and in a new place with very little friends. At least with my last pregnancies, friends would pop by with treats and stay and visit for a while. I just haven't met those kinds of friends here yet, at least not many. The few that I have are very busy and so the kids and I sit inside all day and they are so cooped up. I will be very grateful when we can start going to the park again without melting.

Unsettled

Tonight I am feeling unsettled. I am just tired, I know that but it just feels like there should be more to me. There are dreams that I have that I would love to see come true but I don't even know how to make those dreams come true. My number one dream of becoming a wife and mother has come true and for that I will always be thankful, I just want to be remembered fondly and I am hoping at this point that my kids will remember me that way. It seems like more often than not I do things wrong with them but there is no doubt that I love them more than I ever expected I could. I suppose what I need to do is make a list of things that I want to accomplish in this life and start working on them. hmmm....something to think about.

99 Things

I stole this from Tammy who stole it from someone else but how fun! You just bold the things you have done and pass it on.
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you are not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold girl scout cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Is there such thing as pre-pardom depression?

Compared to last week, this week is going much better. There have been no significant meltdowns in the last 3 days which I believe is highly attributed to starting my medication again. Being the procrastinator that I am I ran out of my depression medication and being as lazy as I am right now, it took me two days to go and get it. This pregnancy has been very hard on me emotionally. I never imagined it would be so hard to be pregnant while taking care of three little one's. I did well yesterday though, I finally cleaned the kitchen which was beginning to disappear but today I am so sick to my stomach and exhausted that I have spent most of the day lying down. I will be glad to get through this stage. The kids are all sick, I think the mono has slowly made it's way through all of them. I am going to go have Ivan tested tonight. Matt is not feeling well as of late either. It was about this time last year that we all got sick for a couple of months. Oh well, we will just stay home in our airconditioned house and sleep it away.

Homemade Hair Cut

I went to get my hair cut a couple of weeks ago and the woman obviously had no idea what I was talking about even though I had a picture to show her. So today I took matters into my own hands and this is the result. I LOVE IT! I am so happy that I didn't screw it up royally!

Desperation is not motivation, it's just life kicking you in the ass.

As I sit here listening to my 4 year old screaming I realize that the sound has not stopped in almost 12 hours. The chaos that consumes us today is not that different from every other day, the only difference now is that the house is a hopeless mess. I attempted to clean the one room that was my goal for the day and believe it or not I couldn't even accomplish that. I am angry and unfortunately being angry and desperate does not prove for much motivation. I have decided that the God's must be crazy just as the movie indicates. I have decided that my part in this little chess game of life is one big joke. Someone, somewhere is getting quite a laugh about our situation and that pisses me off. I cannot believe how wrong I have been about everything this last year. I felt so strongly that the Lord was leading us to Arizona but I know now that someone was just leading us to our demise. There were so many miracles in the beginning but there has been so much heartbreak along the way. Today I started cleaning out the house out so that we can show it if we indeed decide to move back. We have a friend that we could live with until Matt finds a job there. We will just see. All I know is that I am finding it harder and harder to make friends and harder and harder to just breathe in and out.

laundry and other labors

I am so wiped out! My last OB told me that the closer you get to 30, the harder pregnancy can be on your body. I didn't think much of it because in my mind I never saw myself getting closer and closer to 30. Well, 30 is right around the corner and I must say this pregnancy is kicking my butt! I have learned something about myself in moving here to Arizona...I am obsessed with having a clean house. I don't have a clean house but I obsess about it all of the time! Today I have been trying to do laundry and that simple act has made me so tired and sore! Usually I at least have things picked up but lately I just can't keep things picked up and in order. I have to learn to relax and stop obsessing about it.

Oh Crap

Well, I have finally come to the conclusion that the stress and the problems of the past year have happily settled on my ass. Regardless of the pregnancy, I am way too overweight. I feel like physically, all odds are stacked against me. Between Cushings Disease, Thyroid, genetics, kids and over all lifestyle I have grown my way at least 3 sized bigger in the past 7 years. As soon as this nausea and fatigue let up, I have to do something. I know diet and exercise are not going to do it all because of what my body has been through and so I may have to look for some ways to help the process along. In the meantime I am feeling very fat and unattractive.

First Days of School

Well, Claire was off to her first day of kindergarten today and Ivan goes to his first day of pre-school tomorrow. I think I was more nervous than Claire was but I did my best not to let it show. I was so proud of her as she sat with her class, ready to start the day. She was nervous and told me that but I know she will do fine, she is such a strong little thing. She looked so pretty, I will have to post the pictures of her. I can't believe I am old enough to have a kindergartener. It will be a long morning waiting to pick her up!