I'm only one me today...

Oh my goodness...Today has been such a sucky day! It started out well. Claire stayed home from school because she threw up last night and so we slept in a little bit. After we were up and Ivan was off to school we showered and then sat down and read library books. We haven't sat still and read books for a while and it was so nice. Everything went downhill from there. It was just one of those days where one of me wasn't enough. The children refused to listen and obey no matter what I did and so I just ended up screaming a lot which I hate to do. Just a lot of anxiety today. I feel so much pressure to get everything done. I feel like I am responsible for not only the household but all of the little tiny details as well. For instance, my husband has been looking for his diploma. That's right, his college diploma. Most people would keep that in a very safe place. I had it in one but he took it out and did not put it back and now he keeps asking me where it is. Why I ask is this my responsibility? I know I should help but I feel like I take on everyone's problems. I have to keep reminding myself that not everything is my problem. I do it with everyone, not just with my husband. A friend comes to me to vent and I immediately take it on as my problem and try to solve it. I just have to breathe and breathe and breathe. Oh and I think I might take up drinking (ha just kidding, we can't afford it).

Boring Post

It has been a while since I last posted. Things have been crazy around here. I am now into my 15th week of this pregnancy and so far everything has been good. I am extremely tired all of the time. Claire and Ivan have been busy with school work and working very hard at driving me nuts. It seems to be cooling down a little bit here and I can't wait. Winter will be awesome. I have a lot of work to do with my grass in the backyard and I think that it's hopeless until the heat subsides. What a boring post, I know.

Baby Thumps

Today started out as a good day. I was actually up and showered before 7am which never happens. Things have been rough for the past couple of days, lots of crap to deal with but it's slowly fading away and we are getting back to normal. I have finally found a little energy, at least today and have done some sorely needed cleaning. Last night after a very hard day I sat down to watch TV with Matt and eat ice cream. The coolest thing happened after I had finish a whole 1/4 of a gallon (so much for my slow and healthy weight gain). I layed on my side and all of the sudden there was a flurry of activity going on inside of me. No it was not indigestion, it was the baby! I have felt a little nudge here and there but nothing like I felt last night. It was amazing. I was so comforted by that and just happy. I guess this baby like chocolate ice cream just as much as it's mommy!

Scared

Tonight I am feeling anxious and scared. We are having a hard time paying the bills that we have and there doesn't seem to be a way out. I have been looking for a job but there is literally nothing out there for me. I have applied to 12 different places. I was told by my bishop to go into these places and put a face with the online resume. I went into the grocery store to do just that and they didn't want to see my face, they simply said they do everything online and that they could not take my resume. Matt is burned out with the one job that he has and cannot take another. If anyone in Arizona knows of anything that I can do from home (with the baby coming and my young kids I need to be at home) please let me know.

Here We Go Again...

Well, despite my better instincts I am going to try to potty train Nora. I am so tired of the diapers and with another one on the way it would be nice to get her out of diapers so I am only changing one child. We are going to try the Dr.Phil method, however I am going to try it over 2 or 3 days instead of one. So wish me luck, here we go again!

Today...Oh Boy

I am so tired today. Just completely worn out. I have not been sleeping well. I have been having the weirdest dreams. I was so glad that I made cheese soup last night because I have been eating it for every meal today. I absolutely don't want to make dinner tonight, yesterday must have been a freak thing. What I would give for some in-n-out tonight. Today is one of those blah days where you aren't unhappy, just moving along. Total enery loss...

Good Day

Today was a good day. It was nothing out of the ordinary, kids to school, kids home from school, naps and dinner. The biggest difference is that I am not completely sick to my stomach, just a little bit and my spirits are high. It has been at least two weeks since our world stopped being so black. It has been at least 2 weeks since we have had a major trial and although by saying that out loud I am calling down the wrath of the powers that be, I am going to say it out loud because I need to. For so long our world has been sad and lonely and HARD. I have needed a break for so long and the Lord has finally given me that break. I know that there will be trials and probably very soon but I feel like now that we have had a little breathing room I can handle it.
We have been able to be outside in the evenings a little and that has made all the difference. We needed to see that there is a world outside of our little house and that there is open air out there that is not filled with stress and anger and sadness. I feel more at home now than ever. I have had a hard time letting go of Utah and I think the majority of the problem is that I feel like I am betraying some of my best friends if I do. I feel like if I give in and make this home without expectation of going back then I am a traitor of some sort. I miss my friends so much and wish with all of my heart that life didn't have some of the changes it does. I wish that we could all grow and age together, right down the street from one another but for some reason God has set a distance between us but that does not mean there is distance in our friendships.
I have met some incredible people here and I am getting to know more people everyday and I am starting to feel at home. I have an incredible ward and I realized through someone else's tragedy that we are surrounded by people who care and who would help us even if we didn't know their names. I am very thankful that the Lord saw fit to put us where he did, amongst incredible people with incredible faith and devotion to one another.

Here He/She Is!

Ta Da! I was so excited to see this today! I had completely forgotten that they were doing an early testing for down syndrome today and so I was pleasantly surprised that we got to have an ultrasound. Matt's uncle and sister both had down syndrome and so we thought it would be a good idea to get the early screening just to be prepared and informed. Everything looks good and if the blood work checks out, it's looks like the baby has neither down syndrome nor trysome 18. It was so neat to see this little person inside of me. I have never had an ultrasound at 12 and a half weeks before and it's amazing the difference 2 months can make! He/She was kicking and moving all around. I can't wait until I can feel it. I was nervous about hearing the heartbeat today, I was afraid there wouldn't be one but there it was, loud and very strong! I am still very sick, especially in the afternoons/evenings but compared to my other pregnancies, I must say that this one is cake. I had lost 1/2 lb. I was excited about that because I feel like I am ballooning up. I am still gun shy of this whole thing and won't be completely comfortable until this baby is resting alive and safely in my arms but seeing the little one moving and it's heart beating made me breathe a sigh of relief. I can't wait for little Owen/Naomi/Olivia (we can't decide) to join our family!

Such a Great Show!

I have been watching the second season of Grey's Anatomy ever since our free cable trial expired. Today I finished the season and cried just as hard as I did the first time I watched it. This is the best show. I can't wait until the end of this month for the new season to start!

I Made It!

I actually made it through the first trimester of this pregnancy with no problems (except the nausea which I will take as a good sign)! To tell the truth, even after I made it past the time that I lost the other ones, I have been terrified. I bought Maternity clothes last week and thought for sure that would jinx me but here I am still pregnant. I see the doctor on Tuesday and we will hear the hearbeat again. That will make me feel even better.

Nora Sings!

Nora has discovered a love of singing. Everyday she comes to me and sits on my lap and we sing, sing, sing. Here are some of her favorite songs. (make sure to scroll down and pause the music player on the bottom right hand side before trying to play the video's)

Well, I have successfully made it almost to the end of my first trimester. I am excited. I have already started showing which has been hard because I feel very fat. The kids are finally all healthy (crossing my fingers) and there have been no major catastrophe's here for at least a week. I think that is a record! We are looking forward to the Arizona winter. We can't wait to play outside at the park again. In the meantime, we spend our days napping and watching TV (no wonder I have been gaining a lot of weight with this baby). I see the doctor again on the 8th of this month and this time she said we should be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler!