Rebuilding

Well Matt is in surgery right now. They started about 15 minutes ago. They came to me just before the took him and asked me if they could change the plan a little. They were going to go in and try the ventriculostomy and if it didn't look like it would work they were going to put a shunt in right there. Well they decided that if the ventriculostomy did not work that they wanted to put in an external ventricular drain to measure his pressures over a couple of days in order to know better which shunt to use. The doctor was explaining it all but what he didn't realize is that I am all too familiar with what they are talking about, he's had the same thing before and we have pictures of it. I have spent the last 2 years trying to forget the bag of cerebral spinal fluid that was attached to his head. All of this means that he may be looking at another surgery in a couple of days. This is exactly what I didn't want but they said it would reduce the risk of another subarachnoid hemhorage or stroke. So I agreed to it. It was so weird that they were asking me. Paul and Vicki were standing there with me and so I consulted with them to make sure we were all on board. Its hard for me to know that ultimately the decision is mine when it comes to all of this. How did I become this adult who has to make these decisions? I am anxiously awaiting the results of this surgery and praying that it will work and he can begin to recover without a shunt. I just want him on his way to feeling better so that I can take him home. I just want our little family back together in one place so that we can begin to rebuild.