Scars

"People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their peonal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers"

I found this quote and thought "How completely perfect."  It sums up what I'm going through right now.  I wish I could just erase some of those scars, just get up and get over it.  Things look good from the outside, the house, the family, the dog, everything fits.  It's the recipe for complete happiness.  The truth is we are happy, with each other.  We have become very close as a family.  So some of those scars are battle scars and they have created an unbreakable bond between the six of us.
I try to hide a lot of the scars because people don't want to see them.  They turn their head or they are used to seeing the scars and figure we are living with them just fine. Truth is, some of the wounds are still raw.  Most days are busy and I can slap a bandaid on them but when the days get slow and time takes over with it's quiet cruelty these wounds threaten to rip open.  The thoughts are so hard to push away.  You try, you give yourself to the count of ten to let the pain in and push it away but pushing it away is like trying to hold a bursting dam in place, the water seeps from every crack and you feel it.
You think that you can handle things, you think "I've been through worse" but the truth is you are still going through the same things.  There are lasting effects from some scars that cannot be erased no matter how hard you try.
This is where you need a person.  You know, the kind of person who knows everything about you and sticks around anyway.  I had a person but that person is gone and with that absence comes another wound that will heal only with time.  Without my person, I'm lonely sometimes but it will scar over.
In the end it's just hard and some days you just have to complain because it hurts.  Sometimes you have to shout to the world "I hurt too!" 

Abundant Happiness is to be Enjoyed

"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body but and evil friend will wound your mind." -Buddha

                    It has been an emotional few days for me but tonight although I am feeling wrung out I feel a little more free.  We didn't make it to church today because this woman (aka me) couldn't get herself out of bed until 11:41 am.  It was a very emotional night and I was spent.  It's so funny how fast things can change in our lives.  We are ever evolving and although sometimes that can be a painful process, it is most likely for the best.  We have had so many changes in our lives recently and it has been painful but I see the positive things that are coming from these changes and I realize that it is the refiners fire at work. 
In our house church has and always will be a priority but I will say that since Matt's stroke and the other emotional and physical burdens that we have had to bare, it has become increasingly hard to get to church without missing a week or two here and there.  Honestly the biggest trial is getting everyone ready and there.  That is a big task and it shouldn't be.  So from now on whether we look like we've just stepped of the Island of Misfits (thank you Jill!) or not, we are going to be consistent about making it to church because "Every person can fail to attend his meetings, fail to pay his tithing, fail to fill a mission, Ignore his temple obligations and privileges, but if he is smart, he must know that he is the deprived one." (Spencer W. Kimball) 
I have realized lately that there are people and things in my life that have not been uplifting.  I have not realized how destructive these forces have been but I have decided to make changes.  I have decided that I will not allow people or other things stand in the way of my happiness or the happiness of my family.  I have tried so hard to help others that I have not realized that I have been neglecting my health, my emotional well being and the emotional well being of my family "When you look at your life, the greatest happiness's are family happiness's." (Joyce Brothers)  I love my little family.  I love the people that have become our family.  I am sad that not all of these people can stay a part of our family but as a good friend once said "I do not keep negative people in my life." (thank you Emily!)
There are adjustments to be made and tears to shed but there is also new friends to meet and old friends to catch up with.  My life is abundantly filled with happiness ready to be enjoyed.

Keep Getting Up

Lately I have been haunted by sadness, loneliness an exhaustion. It has been 4 months since Matt's stroke and I wish I could say I've healed as well as he has. I've been in so much pain. My heart hurts. I keep having flashbacks of the whole experience, especially from the day it all started. I don't know what to say because no one wants to hear it hashed out again and again. Frankly I don't want it hashed out in my mind again an again but all it takes is a sound or a smell or a word in a conversation and I'm back in that trauma room watching my husband dying. It doesn't take much to bring me to tears anymore. That day was Terrifying. On the way to the hospital I started getting a little scared. When Matt started to throw up in the car I was nervous because I knew for sure that he had a concussion and it was bad. I look back and wonder how I didn't see it coming. When we got to the hospital he started to get out of the car and then told me he couldn't walk in. I figured it was just the effects of the concussion I thought he had. I was so stupid. I wheeled him in and when I told the nurse that he had hit his head and was throwing up they were on it. I was glad because his pain was bad and I wanted them to help him. I still had no idea what was really going on. I am so mad at myself for that. I didn't realize until seconds later when I saw his face droop that something was happening. When he lost control of his bladder I remember feeling sorry for him for a split second because I didn't want anyone to see that but the feeling quickly turned to terror and confusion as they raced him to the trauma room. I followed because there was no way I was going to stay out in the hall. My heart was beating so fast and I could hear my ears ringing. He wasn't breathing and I was so scared. They were all lifting him from the wheel chair to the bed and I covered my mouth and cried as his head rolled to the side and he started foaming at the mouth. A that moment my mind went blank. I was feeling so many things that I went numb. I was as if my body couldn't register all of those feelings so it just stopped feeling anything. When he began to posture I was so confused and I silently cried as they worked on him. They would stop every time he postured and in every one of those few seconds I wondered if this would be his last moments on earth. I was so worried about him being scared. I didn't want him to be awake inside of this broken body, aware and confused and scared. I was scared enough for both of us. In that moment I watched as everything in my world changed. I nearly lost it all. Last night Matt and I talked a little about that day and the month that followed. He said that he gets glimpses here and there but they are more like a feeling than a memory. He doesn't remember anything after he walked out to the car. I was surprised because he was totally lucid after he fell in the driveway. When he came to outside his dad brought him inside and Matt called work and we debated going to the hospital. I never realized that he didn't remember all of that. I am so grateful though because he was in so much pain on the way to the hospital. I feel foolish not being able just to move on now that he is healing. On the outside he looks awesome minus the scars on his head and stomach. There are times though where he doesn't remember things. Sometimes those things are little and sometimes they are very important things and it hurts, it's hard to watch that and I hurt for him. I want to just move on but there are times when the smallest thing brings back everything and it's terrifying. So we live day to day. I work on getting myself out of bed without a panic attack and from there I work on getting dressed and so on. We rate the days and hope and pray that there will be more good than bad. I am grateful for the days when my house is full of children and noise, it drowns out most everything else. I am grateful for the short conversations that Matt and I get to have throughout the day and as silly as this sounds, I am grateful for my new dog Bruiser. It was so hard to get rid of my little Libby Lou but I never had the connection with her that I do with my big beautiful Bruiser! When all the older kids are in school he and Naomi will be my company. I just count my blessings and keep getting up.

Finding Our Niche

We are going on one month of Matt being back at work, and fifteen days of him being full time.  It has been a huge adjustment for our little family.  Matt is doing very well at work and although he is very tired at the end of the day he is plugging along as he always does.  I am very proud of him.  We have been very blessed and he should not be doing as well as he is but Matt is the kind of husband that is very determined to provide for his family.  I know he feels badly sometimes because we cannot buy expensive toys or go out to dinner all of the time but we have what we need.  Even when we haven't had what we needed, the Lord has provided.  My husband is amazing.  I have tried to keep very busy doing daycare.  It has been nice to have my house full of little one's.  With school starting I am going to have a lot more free time on my hands and I am going to need to find a way to fill that free time so that I don't get down.  It's been extremely hard for me to have Matt gone all day.  I went from seeing him all day everyday and sharing every moment with him to talking to him 3 times a day on his breaks and waiting anxiously for his help with the kids at night.  He and I are both ready to have school start again.  I will miss the kids but I will admit that they are driving me up a wall.  We have not had the funds to take them to the zoo or the pool like we have in other years but we are getting back to that point.  I am currently looking into getting licensed for childcare and so that will bring in some extra income.  A friend of mine told me that doing daycare makes her a better mother and I must agree with that, it makes me a better mother as well.  I am constantly picking up the house and cleaning up messes that I normally would leave until the end of the day.  I am doing more activities with the kids and I am up and going more than I ever was before.  I love the kids that I watch and am looking forward to getting more daycare kids.  Life is beginning to take on a routine and that is nice.  I am hoping that nothing knocks us off course because that is usually what happens but for now we are finding a new niche and it's nice.

It's Just Too Much Sometimes

The last two days have started out extremely hard.  For unknown reasons I have woken up to full blown anxiety attacks.  I'm not sure why I'm having them so early in the day, they usually wait until later in the day to rear their ugly heads.  The days have gone on to be good days, especially as my daycare kids begin showing up and my house fills with the sounds of laughing, screaming, smiling, giggly kids. I am grateful for them.  They keep my kids and my hands busy.  The world is bustling around us but here in my little world in my little house there is safety.  I do not leave often and when I do it takes a lot of mental preparation.  I used to go on daily adventures with my kids, we were out and about most of the time and we all loved it.  My house stayed cleaner and my kids behaved better.  Now it is harder for all of us because Mom has social anxiety and doesn't feel safe outside the walls of this house.  I should be ok. It should be over. We should be ok.  I'm not ok.  It's not over.  We aren't ok.  I don't have the answers that people are looking for.  When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't know what to tell them and so I tell them the lies that I tell myself.  I tell them that we are doing ok and that things are fine.  Inside I'm crying and wish I could tell them just how broken and haunted I am.  These truths are selfish.  God has given us more time together but I hurt.  I'm drowning in memories that intrude at will.  The smallest thing will trigger a memory.  A sound, a smell, a song and suddenly I'm back in the hospital watching as my world blows away.  These memories speak the loudest.  Countless hours sitting in the dim light next to Matt's bed holding his hand and wondering if he even knows I am there.  It should be enough that Matt is strong and standing in front of me but I have realized how quickly you can lose someone or how quickly your life can change course.  It's a hard reality to face.  In the quiet moments of the day I pray for help.  I pray for peace and know that only with time it will come.  These are hard things to share, the ramblings of trauma are a hard thing for others to understand.  I am just grateful for these walls that protect me on the days when venturing out is just too hard.  I worry about what others might think and find valid reasons for my absence.  The truth is, it's just too much sometimes. 

Full-Time

Today was supposed to be Matt's first day returning to work full-time but because of various reasons he was not able to go. This means that tomorrow he starts back full-time and tonight I'm not anymore ready than I was last night. I am thankful that he is well enough t go back to work but I am not read to have him leave me for ten hours a day. We have been through so much over the last 4 months and just watching him go makes me nervous. I will not be alone however, my best-friend/Sis has been here with her kids keeping me company and I am so thankful for her. She has been a huge strength through all of this all the while dealing with her own issues. Things have been good lately but a little hard. I have days when I just can't make myself get going, days when I just don't want to do anything. These days are discouraging days. It's hard for me to keep in mind that everyday won't be this way but it sure feels like that sometimes. I've decided that I am going to make a list of things to do everyday, housework, cooking, activities with children that will keep my days full. All the while I will be praying that Matt gets back and forth from work safely. His track record isn't so great, lol. I am so thankful for my husband, he makes me happy.