Just Keep Swimming

Yesterday Matt and I were able to attend the temple with some friends and it was a great experience.  We hadn't been to the temple in a long time.  I didnt realize how much I needed to be there.  It helped me to understand some of the things that are happening to our family.  I'm usually very good at leaving things to The Lord and not questioning why things happen to us but I will admit that there have been some quiet moments of reflection where I have desperately wondered why things are happening.  So many people have come to us and exclaimed how strong they think we are.  I am flattered by their remarks but there is a large part of me that does not want that label. I don't feel strong a lot of the time, I feel desperate instead.  I am just desperately tired.  Nora being hit by a car has added to the desperation.  I desperately want to make things better for her.  I wish that it was me in that wheel chair instead of her.  I watch her as she sits in that tiny chair and my heart hurts.  She watches the rest of the kids playing outside and jumping on the tramp and she aches to pay with them.  Honestly it makes me angry.  I'm not angry at the people involved but I am angry that it was her.  I should have been outside with them while they were riding those bikes.  I was working and for that I am angry.  I tried to start school again but it was just too much.  I took another week off and so I start again on Tuesday.  Nora sees the plastic surgeon on Tuesday about her jaw.  I am hopeful that her jaw has begun to heal itself but we will see.

I got a call the other day from the OB to let me know that the baby I am carrying is sick.  We knew that this could happen.  The baby is anemic.  My body has begun to build up antibodies to destroy the life that I am carrying.  I see the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor next Tuesday to determine just how sick this baby is and what we can to do help it.  I didn't want to know what the baby was.  I had decided that I didn't want to know if it was a boy or a girl because I didn't want to get too attached to a baby that may or may not live.  At the temple yesterday however it hit me that I need to love this baby as much as I can now while it's growing as well as when its born.  I have faith that it will all be ok.  These doctors deal with this condition all of the time.

We met with the lawyer the other day who is helping us with Nora's accident and it looks like it's going to be a long process.  So we are dealing with a lot right now.  I am just tired and ready to throw in the towel but I will 'just keep swimming'