Tonight everything is good! Everyone is home and healthy and happy. Although everything is good and everyone is happy I am fighting a feeling I cannot quite describe. It is not necessarily dread although that is the word that comes to mind to describe it. It is almost a feeling of homesickness. I am homesick for...where? I don't know! Maybe I'm just cooped up. I have not had many nail clients lately and its changed things for me. I knew that over the summer I wanted to decrease my hours but I thought I would be in charge of it. I wasn't expecting things to just go dead. It's like this every summer but I tend to forget and then I panic. So my days are left to tasks I used to do and time I used to have but they have become so unfamiliar to me. I feel out of place and out of sorts. With this extra time comes a feeling of unrest. I want to leave. I want to pack my family in our little minivan and go to someplace other than here. I don't know where it is that I am longing to go. I think anywhere but here. The beach? The city? I don't know but I know I don't want to be here. I don't want to see the walls of my house. I don't want to deal with the cleaning and the dishes and the nails. I just want something new. I feel like this once and a while. It's an unsettling feeling. I've lost my sense of home. There are days where we hunker down within these walls and just feel at home but I do not feel that lately. Perhaps that is what I am lonely for, a sense of home.
I have been making changes in my life. They are much needed changes but they are requiring me to re-evaluate myself and grow out of my comfort zone. I ended a friendship that has been close to the center of my world for 11 years. I had to end it. It was a negative and draining friendship in the end.
It didn't start that way. I thought it was the best friendship I had ever had. This person was my person. I don't miss this person, I miss who this person was. This person was the one person besides my husband that I called if ANYTHING went wrong and so now if something goes awry or something big happens I pause for a moment because I don't have my person to call. So I want to leave and find a place that does not feel unfamiliar because of what I have had to let go. The problem is that I can travel from place to place and it will not fix what I am feeling. It must come from within. I must become "my person".
