Dear Lord

Dear Lord-
Today was a really hard day. You probably already know all of this but I just needed a friend to talk to and I thought of you. I don't know what to do anymore Lord. I woke up today determined to have a good day, I really did. I took Claire to the doctor and when I tried to pay the co-pay my flex card was out of money. We have reached our maximum for the year in 2 short months. They would not see Claire without a co-pay so I had to swallow the lump in my throat that was probably pride and call my father in law to pay the co-pay. We are so blessed to have him, he didn't even hesitate before saying yes. Once we got into the office they did another x ray on Claire's knee and all I could think was "that's 40 more dollars...40 more..." What kind of mother thinks that Lord? What I should have been thinking was "I hope that she is okay, I hope she's okay." Just like they had told us at the urgent care, it is broken but it doesn't need surgery so that is a blessing. That makes 2 blessings so far Lord and I am thankful for them.
I took Claire to school and then came home and checked the mail. Let me tell you what a mistake that was. On the top was a bill from the hospital for Matt's surgery. The total was 1,900.00 Lord...that is so much money for us. I called to arrange payments and when I told them that we could pay $100 a month they laughed. She literally laughed Lord. She has no idea how humiliating that call was for me and that I was holding back tears the whole time and she laughed. I was so angry at her but I just ask that you bless her with compassion for the next person who calls with the same situation.
Next I tried to refill medication for Claire and Ivan. They have been doing a lot better ever since we started this new medication with them and that is blessing number 3. My heart hurts so much for them Lord. Every time someone makes a judgement of them my heart hurts and the tears well. People just don't understand the stress and heartache that comes with raising a child with Aspberger's and a child that is bi-polar. I feel very alone Lord. I have met other parents that are dealing with similar issues and they have so many resources to help them. So far I have hit dead end's when I try to find resources. The insurance company refuses to pay for the medication for 3 more days and it makes no sense. I got three different reasons from three different people. The woman on the phone did not understand that they cannot go without their medication Lord. She was so mechanical about all of it. These are my children we are talking about. So I have to pay out of pocket for this medication with my father in law's money.
This is just one day Lord. One day in a string of many just like it and worse. I need you Lord. I need your strength. I need some hope. I need to know that it will get better because at this point both Matt and I have given up on a miracle. We used to think it was coming Lord but our faith is disappearing. We love you Lord and want to do what makes you happy. Please help us to make you happy. Please help us to hang on.

Baptism Preview

Tonight we had the opportunity to go to a baptism preview for Claire. We went to one in our old ward at the beginning of this year but her baptism seemed so far away that it really didn't hit me. Tonight I realized that her baptism is only 2 months away and so it took on a whole new meaning for me. We have been talking about baptism a lot with her and helping her to get ready. Tonight as we were sitting there my mind wandered to my childhood and my adolescence and I realized how much I want things to be different for Claire Bear. These next two months will be so special going to get her baptism dress and make up her invitations. Her Grandma and Grandpa Bradford won't be able to be there and that makes me very sad but Matt will get to baptize her which is something we weren't sure he would be able to do. We will have to work around the oxygen situation but it will be possible. I can't believe that she is old enough to get baptized. We struggle a lot with her, especially me because she is so much like me. I hope and pray that I can use those similarities to direct her down a better path than I chose when I was younger. I made it to the right destination, I just took a lot of hurtful detours along the way. I don't want her to have to take those detours. I am so excited and scared and sad that my baby is growing up.

More of the Same

Today is a hard day for me. I have been so tired (as usual) and so it has been a lazy day and I feel so guilty for it. Being a "stay at home mom" in
someone else's home is really a challenging thing. I do my best to keep busy cleaning and taking care of the kids but there is only so much I can do. It is especially hard on the lazy days because I feel judged. I'm sure it is just my imagination and a large part of it probably comes from the fact that I feel very guilty on said lazy days.

Friday has become a hard day for me. The State of Utah recently changed from a 4 day work week to a 5 day work week and although Matt still works four 10 hour shifts, his off day is Wednesday instead of Friday and it is the same day that my in-laws go to the temple all day. It was really nice to have the house to ourselves when Matt was home, we functioned like a normal family almost but now it is just me and the kids and it is lonely. I pray almost daily for the Lord to help us get into our own house. It is not that living with Matt's family is a bad thing, it's just hard. It is especially hard after living on our own for 10 years.

Matt has an appointment with the endocrinologist this next week and we are very happy about that. I though for sure it would take at least a month to get in and so when they told me they could get us in next week, I did a happy dance in my mind. We were not so lucky with the GI doc and the liver biopsy, those will be in October. He is doing well for now but the swelling in his legs has returned and so that excitement has disappated. It was a huge breakthrough for us to have that swelling gone. It is something we have watched and worried over for a year now. It has been the source of multiple trips to the ER and even a weekend stay in the hospital. You can imagine how happy we were when it went away and how disappointed we were when it returned. Hopefully the Endocrinologist will have some insight for us.

I think I am just generally out of place. I am not un-happy just un-settled. I have stopped trying to find a new normal for our family because everytime I do it turns upside down. For now we just take it a day at a time and hope that there are more good days than bad.

The Latest From These Garff's

Today has been a hard day. Matt has gone back to work and the kids have started school and although it is a load off it proves to be quite lonely sometimes. We are still living with Matt's dad and things are still challenging for our family but we are seeing some progress. Matt is doing well at work, he is still on oxygen but it keeps him awake on the drive to and from and helps him have more energy throughout the day. The swelling in his hands and legs has gone down considerably and the cardiologist has given him a great report so we know that he does not have congestive heart failure! Yay! Now we just have to see the endocrinologist and the GI doc for a liver biopsy. We have to have it done at the U of U so it is nearly impossible to get ahold of anyone! I think we will just have to walk in to make the appointment.

I have been struggling with depression and fibromyalgia. Someone stole 7 pain patches from the house and so we have started locking our bedroom door with a key and I have been in pain for the last 2 weeks. It is so frustrating to be dealing with pain again after having been nearly pain free. I made a police report and the doctor could prescribe more but the insurance won't pay until Monday so it will be a long weekend. I think the depression comes from yet another challenge in our lives and another change in our routine. I just don't seem to fit in my own skin, I feel like I can't quite find my niche. I am hoping with time I will begin to feel better.

The kids are enjoying school and the weather is starting to turn so they are excited. They can't wait for it to snow, I on the other hand can definitely wait. We were able to take them to the drive in last weekend and it was so much fun. We went through 4 oxygen tanks and hit the parking poll with our van but it was still fun. We haven't done "normal" family things like that in some time.

I have had an easier time going to church. I was so afraid to face the people. It just seemed like the walls were closing in on me and we were the center of attention because we were new and for some reason it completely freaked me out. I have gotten to know some very awesome people and that has made it much easier to attend. The bishopric and the Elders Quorum presidency has been to visit a lot during this new challenging time for us and our most AWESOME relief society president has been wonderful to me as well as our neighbors. We have been blessed with a great support system. I have had a great time catching up with old friends and making some much needed new friends.

Although life has thrown us some new challenges, we have seen many blessing and are very thankful for them.

All The Wrong Things?

It's hard to believe that it is only Monday. Now that I am not working the days seem to blend together but that is a good thing because I am busy with my kids. I am so thankful to be home with them again. The pit in my stomach that has been there from the first day I left them to go to work until now is gone and although being home with them is exponentially harder than being at work, it is what I need right now. I opened a letter on Saturday from the State of Utah congratulating me on an interview for a job I had applied for and really hoped to get. I had applied some time ago when I thought I had a handle on things. When I thought I could be that person I was trying so hard to be. When I thought that working and being away from my children was something I could handle. It is a position in the Executive Directors office which would be "awesome on my resume" (I kept telling myself) and today I called the office and gracefully (I think) turned it down. I was torn over the weekend about whether or not this was the right thing to do. Logically I knew that it would be the best step I could make toward a career with the State of Utah which would help support us when (and I guess I should say) if I need to support us but in my heart I felt it was a step further from my family and my children. I enjoyed working and hope that someday I can go back to a similar job, perhaps even the same department if they will have me but it is not right for us right now. I have felt this gap begin to grow between my children and I and even Matt and I ever since we got here. I think a large part of that feeling came from the wall that I was beginning to build around myself. I was isolating myself because it hurt so much to be away from my children. I had even stopped calling them at all throughout the day because hearing their little voices broke my heart and I hated crying at work. In the last 2 weeks I have turned down 2 jobs with the state and I know there are people that are disappointed and some that are even thinking that I have done the wrong thing. I have even wondered if perhaps I have done the wrong thing. Maybe the Lord was putting these opportunities in front of me but I think if it was his plan for me I would not have felt so sick about it. I would have felt excitement but instead all I felt was panic and fear. I have loved the last week I have been here with the kids. I wasn't here to help them make the adjustment to being here but I am here now to help them make the adjustment to going to school. I hope I have not done all the wrong things but these children are everything to me. I never thought I could love someone so completely other than my husband but the minute my first child was born my heart grew in size and it continued to grow with each child that has entered our family. There is such a potential for loss with these trials we have been given. There is the potential of losing everything we know to be normal and "finding a new normal" like we have been is getting harder and harder to do. I feel like I need to spend as much time with these little one's as I can before I lose this time with them. I know I should be more positive, people tell me that but right now I just don't have the strength. That is why I am getting help. These little one's that we have need for me to be positive. They need something in their world to be strong and I want that something to be me. I am still looking for the right counselor. For some reason I am dragging my feet. I think the reason I pure exhaustion. I firmly believe that I could sleep for the next two weeks straight and still not be rested but I think that comes from the depression and the never ending anxiety. I really need to get a hold on things. I thought it would be so much easier here. I should have listened better when one of my best friends told me "it's just geography Aubrey." She was so right. We have awesome people here as we did there but the trials seem to keep coming. It seems that in Arizona I was better emotionally. I was forced to hold it together and when we got here and there was some room to breathe I just started hyperventilating instead. I did the one thing that I was so tired of hearing people tell me not to do, I got angry at God and I have been trying for the last 3 months to patch that relationship. I am ashamed to admit that when things go wrong the first place I go is back to that anger. I even stopped going to church when we got here because I couldn't face all of those people and I just couldn't face the feelings I was having and the anger that I had misplaced. I am doing a little better though. I have gone to church 2 weeks in a row and I have been talking myself out of my anger. I still don't understand what all of this is for. Why have we been chosen to endure these things? It is a question that will most likely go unanswered for a very long time and I suppose the important thing to remember is not why we had to endure them but how well did we endure them. I want to make my Father in Heaven proud and it will take some doing. If I could just get past the exhaustion. All in good time I guess...All in good time.

Wake Up Call

What a hard couple of days it has been for me. I can't even begin to describe the emotional pain that has gripped my heart for the last 48 hours. In truth it has been building for some time. We found out that Matt has to have more surgery which has sent me spiraling downword emotionally. I had accepted another job but daily I began having more and more panic attacks. Last night I found out that someone I had known in Arizona had taken her own life. It was such a wake up call for me. I have been having suicidal thoughts for some time now and I have waited to get help thinking that maybe I could handle it on my own. Well, I have been failing miserably. Last night I also had the last conversation I will ever had wih someone who has been one of my best friends for the last 7 years. Although I know that hurtful things were said out of anger and I know that they are not true, it still hurts. So this morning I went in to the office and quit my job. I came home and I slept the whole day. Tomorrow I am headed to find a counselor and get the help that I need. I just wish that the heartache would stop but I have a feeling that things are going to continue to be hard for a while.

Dogghouse Update

I have been wanting to update the blog for some time now but every time I sit to write I just don't know where to begin. Our lives have taken on such a different look that sometimes I wonder if this is really us or just some alternate version of us. We are not unhappy by all means but this is definitely not what we expected our lives to look like. Matt is working for the Utah State Health Department as a pharmacy claims tech and Monday is my last day as the General Information Specialist for the Utah State Human Services Department. On Friday a supervisor from the Bureau of Contract Management came to me and asked if I would like a temporary job in their department. I was very flattered. I know that my boss now put in a very good word for me and I a so grateful. So on Tuesday I start my new job and although I am nervous about starting over in a new department I am very grateful to have the opportunity to learn a new side of the Human Services Department. This whole thing has been kind of a wild emotional ride for me. It has been so hard to be away from our kids. Everyday my heart hurts a little bit knowing that I am missing the little moments with them that I have enjoyed for years but I know that working is the right thing for me right now. It's funny to see how the plan that the Lord has for me plays out as opposed to the plan that I had for myself. I had planned to be done working on Monday and to be home with my kids. I was planning on using the next two weeks to take my kids shopping and get all ready for school to start. Instead I have a new job and I am facing the possibility of missing their first day of school, something I have NEVER missed. When I realized that I would be working that day I started to cry. It seems that the tears come so easily lately, as if they didn't before. The kids are very excited for school to start and this year three of them will be going. Claire is starting second grade. She is 7 going on 23 and I see so much of myself in her. Ivan is starting first grade and we are all excited that he is going to have all day everyday to spend with other kids. He does his best to drive us crazy here at home but whenever he is away I miss him so much. Nora is starting preschool and I am so excited for her. We tried preschool last year for about 2 weeks but she did not enjoy it. This year she has to go whether she enjoys it or not because Kindergarten is right around the corner! Naomi is such a happy baby most of the time and she is finally sprouting more teeth. She is 17 months and still sporting only the front 4 teeth.
We are missing having our own place. We are missing our time alone as a little family but we are overwhelmed with gratitude for Matt's family for taking us in. I have been looking at apartments but it looks like Matt is headed for more surgery. We found out yesterday that among other things, he has gallstones and needs his gallbladder removed. His liver is not doing well and the doctor's are hoping that removing his gallbladder will help his liver recover. I sometimes wonder if fixing the hydrocephalus was worth it but he says he would do it all again. I would too no matter how hard this has been because he's a happier guy despite all of the problems he's been having. Things seem to be easier for him at work. His mood has improved and his stress has lessened. He told me the other day how nice it was to have a clear mind to do his work. How nice it was not to be overwhelmed all of the time and this is a new thing that resulted from the shunt. We still seem to be facing hurdle after hurdle but we aren't alone. Things are slowly coming into place and settling down and although it's not the "happily ever after" that I had pictured, we are all together.