For Sale

For Sale, one life completely furnished.
Comes with a body that does not function at full capacity and hurts daily for hours on end. Body has also undergone endless surgeries for everything from a brain tumor to gall bladder and appendix removal. Chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia thrown in at no extra cost.
Body comes with no warranty and comes in as is condition.
Comes with a mind that cannot function without heavy medication and a heart that is burdened and broken with the loss of three children.
Fully furnished with a house that is never clean and children that are never happy. Comes with a husband that is over-worked and under paid.
Comes with the promise of hardship and new challenges daily that seem impossible to conquer.
Bonuses include an overdrawn bank account and insurmountable debt.
Comes with a soul that is weary and longing for home.
If interested contact a medical professional regarding your sanity immediately or turn and run in the opposite direction.

And That Will Cost You...

Today I called my insurance about a bill that I received shortly after my last miscarriage. Usually with any pregnancy I don't have a cost after the initial co-pay so I was surprized when the bill came and figured it was a mistake. While talking to the apologetic insurance customer service figure I was informed that had I had a "normal" pregnancy there would be no co-pay but because I was not able to keep the baby I have to pay a co-pay for all the services provided. I know this is stupid but it made me so mad! So what if I had miscarried 20 weeks in, would I have to pay a co-pay for each visit? I felt more like a failure this morning than I did on the day I miscarried. They said I could appeal the decision but I just don't think I have the energy right now. So congratulations to me, I just got stuck with a bill because I can conceive but can't carry.

Guitar Hero+Friends=Awesome Family Home Evening

Tonight we went to the Ortiz's house for family home evening. They are some of our best friends here. We played Guitar Hero and it was so much fun. I was so proud of myself for playing. I wanted to from the beginning but I was afraid I would really suck and I would look like an idiot. Well, I must say I did better than Matt but I was on the easy level the whole time! I ROCKED! I usually never do that kind of stuff but I did and it was so much fun. Johnny said it best when he said that they get me out of my shell. They are so fun to be around and he was right, I feel totally comfortable around them. It was so great. These pictures were taken on my phone and they suck so I will have to add better ones when I get them. BEST FAMILY NIGHT EVER!

No Mans Land

You see this? This is what is going to happen to me in about 10 seconds.
I am pretty sure that Arizona was not meant to be a settling place for people. The past few days have been seriously HOT. Everyone told me that the first summer here is the worst and I sure hope they are right. It's only June and I feel like I am going to spontaniously combust. The heat makes us all tired and incredibly cranky. Matt and I got in a fight over who was going to say that family prayer tonight...I mean come on people, who does that. I swear they must be giving the kids crack in primary, that is the only explanation for the disaster that was our family tonight. Just kidding. People from my ward are going to read this and hate my guts. I'm going to bed and then we are going to start living our lives at night and sleep all day. I swear that is the only way to survive this.

Summer Days

Yesterday we were able to go to the pool with some of our awesome friends! Matt is such a good sport, he always comes along with us girls. He looks like a man with 3 wives and frankly I don't think he minds!

Trouble With Sleep

I don't know what my problem is lately but I just fight sleeping at night. It is nearly 2 am and I just don't want to close my eyes. Perhaps I just enjoy the stillness of the house while the children are sleeping, perhaps it's the fear of the new day and it's challenges. Perhaps its too much dr. pepper. Don't know but I am so glad we have late church and so thankful I have a husband who treats me like a queen and let's me sleep in on the weekends.

Pretty Good In My Opinion!

Today went pretty well on my opinion. Tonight was a challenge but that is because it was not a standard evening, we had friends over to watch a movie and so there was 8 kids here. It went well until they all started running around. It is so hard to be consistent when friends are here but I was! Ivan would not settle down and after a few too many warnings he had to go to his room and watch the movie from there. He tried everything he could to get out of that room. I finally had to go in and lay with him until he fell asleep, which did not take that long. I feel like a drill Sargent sometimes but it seems to be working and I don't have to yell. I can't believe I have been doing things the hard way for so long. I wish would have been more consistent from the beginning but we all have to learn things and this was just one of those things I had to learn.

So Long, Farewell

Granny Vicki left today. It wasn't as hard as usual to say goodbye as usual because we will see them in a month at Lake Powell. I am nervous about taking care of the kids by myself, I don't want things to go back to the way they were but I really don't think they can as long as I am determined and believe me I am. The day on our own has gone much better than usual and I must say that I am proud of myself. There has been some tough instances but we got through it without any yelling on my part! We are headed to the splash pad later and I am so excited to start enjoying life with my kids!

Where everybody Knows Your Name

Today has been a good day. I have done most of the diciplining on my own and the kids and I seem to be in a better place. Matt has been in a better mood the past few days which Is good and bad. It's good because we have been able to spend some enjoyable time with him but I really needed vicki to see what I have been seeing for the last nine months. I feel very sad that she is leaving tomorrow, especially because I thought her stay was going to be much longer. I needed it to be. Ever since I found out this afternoon that she was going to leave tomorrow, I have been in tears. I have met amazing people here whom I now consider some of my best friends but I still miss Being in tooele with our family. I am not happy here and I don't know what to do to fix that. Every now and then I am painfully reminded of the things we have lost in the last year, mainly the babies. I know we have gained so much by moving here but it's hard to focus on that when there is so much hurt inside. I would really like to go to counseling, just so that I have someone to talk to about all of this but the co-pays are a lot to try to keep up with. I did find out today that we qualify for state insurance on top of the insurance that we currently have and so that would pick up the co-pays. I think there is just so much that has happened in the last year that I am just stuck. I can't seem to make ends meet and I just can't stop the aching inside. I want so much to jump in the car and go back home with my mother in law. We have had a lot going on with Claire too. I have been seeing a psychologist regarding her. The psychologist is for her but she wants to meet with me first to get an idea of what the situation is. For now I cannot talk about what's going on but hopefully things will be much better soon. I just want the ache inside to go away.

Organized Chaos

The last week has been a very productive one in the Garff house. With help from Granny Vicki we have been able to change the entire dynamic of our household for the better. The kids have had quite a suprize as we have re-structured their world but they are adjusting well. Time out has become a very regular thing in our house as there are no more warnings for behavior that is unacceptable. I am the kind of mom that gives warning after warning before I finally reach my breaking point and scream and yell as I drag the children to time-out or their rooms. Of course my way of doing things wasn't working. Now, thanks to the teachings of Granny, the kids actually listen and go straight to time-out when told. Of course there has been an aweful lot of time-out's lately but they are slowly learning that if you just don't misbehave, you don't have to go to time out. The house is actually staying cleaner because the kiddo's are learning to clean up! I finally feel like our chaos is somewhat organized. Granny has been talking about leaving and I am terrified to do it on my own again but I won't let the kids know that, I will just continue doing what Granny has been showing me and things will continue to get better. At least that is what I hope will happen!

Who Needs Super Nanny...

Food Storage!

Clean Room!

You can actually see the floor!


Who needs "Super Nanny," we have Granny! I can't believe the difference that having Granny around has made. I just didn't realize there was a difference between being stern and consistant and being mean. Because the children's behavior has improved, I was able to actually clean and organize a whole room! For those of you that have seen the wreck that was my laundry room, you will appreciate these pictures. I am no longer embarassed to let people into my laundry room and I can actually open the door to the garage! The kids are actually going straight to time-out (with the acception of Claire) when they are told to and I had a day where I was actually the one in control! We have a long way to go but it has been a great start! Thank heaven for Granny Vicki!

Twinge of Pain

As we made our poster for family home evening tonight that contained all the pictures of our family, there was a twinge of pain in my heart as I pasted the pictures of me, my husband and my kids on the poster. There is someone missing. There are three someone's missing. I know that the babies that I have lost were not meant to be here but it is so hard for me to feel like there is someone missing in this family. What is so hard for me is that people keep telling me that I have my hands full and it is so good that we aren't having another one right now. I know that there is one waiting and I know that it is time. I don't know how and I don't know when but it is so hard to feel that spirit near and not be able to hold it in my heart or my body. It's not just being baby hungry, I feel another spirit here in our home that needs to come into the world. I know I have my hands full. I know that things are so hard right now. I know all of this. I still ache for my child that is waiting.

Family Home Evening

Tonight we had a wonderful surprise when we checked the mail! Aunt Sara and Uncle Ryan (Matt's brother and his wife) had sent us a package! It was a movie and candy which is so great because we love both! For FHE we made thank you cards for them and we also made a poster with pictures of our family members on it. It is missing quite a few members right now, I have to go through our computer and find more pictures. We hung the poster in our little living room so that we can see our family that is not here, especially when we miss them. I was very excited to have this FHE because we have missed our family so much and I thought it would be a great. Matt had fallen asleep while I was preparing the pictures and it was nearly impossible to wake him up. Vicki is here and she said that he feels "unnecessary." I just don't understand how that could be. I tell him all of the time how much I need him and how thankful I am for the work that he does. So Granny Vicki and the kids and I did most of FHE without Matt until I could wake him up.
Things have been better while Vicki has been here. It is so nice to have help. Matt is a help but he just can't be here right now. He is at work, even when he is at home. I applied for 4 jobs today and I really hope one pans out so that Matt isn't so stressed and we can be a happy family again.

Career Girl???

Anyone who has come to our house knows that Nora loves to take her clothes off. She is our little "Nudie Pants!"
The other day she was finishing dinner and she found Daddy's sunglasses. She put them on and immediately got up on the table to dance. Thank heavens she had a diaper on this time!

Penny in Your Shoe

Today at church I heard a great talk. Usually we don't hear the speakers at all but we were one child short, (Claire was home with her granny because she did not feel good)and so listening was a little easier. A girl from our young women's group gave a talk and read a story from a church magazine. The story was about a high school student who's seminary teacher gave her the challenge to put a penny in her shoe and everytime she felt the penny, she was to pray. By the end of the week she no longer had to use the penny in her shoe, she remembered to pray on her own. This is something I want to try because there is so much I need to pray about right now. So much that I am thankful for and so many things we need help with. Matt and I have to seriously cut costs right now and there are not many places we can cut so I need to take it to the Lord and receive some inspiration. I will say that I there are many good things that have come of our financial hardships. I have learned to make so many things from scratch in the kitchen. I have discovered a love for cooking that I did not have before. I have learned alternative ways to clean my house and ways to save money that I never knew about before. It is quite fulfilling to know that you are saving so much money in different places. I know there will be an end to these hardships but it is very hard to see it right now. So starting tomorrow and I am going to put a penny in my shoe so that I can be reminded to take my every concern and my every feeling of thanks to the Lord.

Ward Camp Out

This weekend was a very good one for me and my little family. We had our ward camp out and because I am on the activities committee I had to go. I say had because this is not something that we ever do. We tried camping in the beginning of our marriage and Matt just did not like it. Well, this weekend we had an awesome time. Matt even enjoyed himself even though he couldn't sleep. We had a great night in the tent with all our kids and Granny, and in the morning we made breakfast for the ward. It was so fun to get to know people outside of the church setting. Matt and I have decided that we are going to take the kids camping more on the weekends. They had such a great time. It was so nice to get out of the usual setting and get away for a few days. I can't wait to start taking mini vacations of our own and camp. I had no idea that there were such beautiful places to camp in Arizona. I am so thankful to the Lord that I was put on the activities committee. Without this calling, I wouldn't have gone on this activity nor met some of the people that I have. I am starting to love some of the people of this ward like they are my family and for that I am very grateful. It is so nice to feel accepted. We have such an awesome ward and for that I am so thankful.

What Fun!

There is one thing about Arizona that I LOVE and that is the price of getting my family into the pool! I took my kids today plus one extra and it was $3 for all of us! This pool just opened not too far from our house and we had such a great time. I am kicking myself that I didn't take my camera. The main play pool is perfect for all three of my kids. Claire and Ivan can go off on their own to play and as long as Nora has on a life jacket and I can see her, she has free reign as well. I had the little baby that I watch with me too and so I just waded in the water and held her, she's too young for the water. It was so much fun. As soon as we get some extra money (ha ha is there such thing) I want to buy a punch pass for this pool. It was so nice to spend a day outside of the house with the kids. It was very hot but the water was perfect and the kids had an absolute blast. They all sacked out in the car on the way home except for Claire and so she and I had time to talk together. I love those one on one moments, they make all of the chaos worth it! Today was a good day.

Sleepless Night

Tonight is a sleepless night for me. There is so much on my mind. I have been helping a friend with a legal battle and it is so fulfilling when we put our heads together and find ways to move forward with it. I talked with her for a while tonight and I must say it was nice to get my mind off of our own problems and focus on hers for a while. She is my most awesome example of strength. Tonight I am worrying about our little family and the position we are in here in Arizona. When we started looking at the transfer here, we were happy to find that it would most likely put us in a better position financially but that has not been the case. Finances are not my favorite part of having a family. It really seems like we are re-living the same day over and over. There are miracles happening for us everyday though. Today we received unexpected money and so we are able to cover all the bills this month. I get so frustrated for my husband. I love him so much and he works so hard yet he still feels like he falls short of providing for us. I could not have asked for a better provider. Although he does not enjoy his job and is not necessarily treated well there, he still goes day in and day out. It is literally like pulling teeth to get him to stay home once and a while. He is the perfect provider, no matter what he thinks.
I know that we will be okay and I know that the blessings will continue to come as we are faithful to what the Lord has asked of us but it is a desperate feeling to wonder how they will be okay. I guess that is where my faith is lacking. I know that Heavenly Father is looking out for our little family and that we are loved. I know that as his children, he will not leave us hopeless and it is this that I must remember every time I become anxious about our situation.
I told my husband that I think the reason there are not more millionaire's in this world is because people just don't ask others for the money. So my plan is to get myself a very rich friend and then just ask for the money! I personally think my plan is brilliant. My husband laughed but you watch, it just might work.
One thing I would like to do is get good enough at my painting that I can start to sell some of my artwork. I know there is not necessarily a huge market for painters right now but I must say that some of the work I did at the University of Utah is not half bad. I went to IKEA the other day and was looking at some of the mass produced art that they had and I thought, I can paint that same thing and it would be an original. The question is, would I have any buyers. It is something I would love to do and if I could make money at the same time, wouldn't that be wonderful? Oh the dreams of amateurs. I guess I should call it a night but "Twilight" is calling to me from my itouch, must...watch!

Thank Goodness for Pancakes and Primary

Today started out as a very hard day. It seems to go that way lately. I am just so sluggish and exhausted. We were able to go to the park this morning which is something we have not been able to do for a while because of the heat. The morning was overcast and perfect for playing in the sand. One of my best friends who lives down the street didn't have to work today and so she and her kids went with us. It was just like when we first moved here and we spent all of our days together at the park. I was so glad they could go, I miss those days. We came home around 10am for naps. I was able to get a good nap despite the phone ringing off the hook. After we woke up I was feeling so anxious. I had to make pancakes for the kids because our monthly supply of food has run out and I can't get more until Friday. I was freaking out and I'm not sure about what. The kids were all fighting and I just wanted to cry because the downstairs (main floor) was a mess and I didn't have the energy to clean it. I sat down to a plate of two pancakes and although they didn't sound good, I got them down. After that I slowly started to tackle the dishes, feeling a little bit better with some food in my stomach. The kids were all shouting orders and requests at me as fast as they could and I just wanted to scream. Instead I started singing primary songs out loud. The screaming on their end did not stop but I couldn't really hear it anymore because I was concentrating on cleaning and singing my songs. Before I knew it, the kids were singing too and my basement was clean. Ivan even asked to vacuum! I feel so much better now! They went upstairs to clean and vacuum. The only concern I have is for Ivan's little face, he likes to vacuum it with the hose and then he just laughs. Whatever keeps them busy and active! Thank Heaven for primary and the principles it teaches me even now that I am 29 years old. I hope that my children will get the same satisfaction from it, if not now then when they have children of their own.

Sigh of Relief

My Mother in law is coming to help us out for a while and I feel like a huge burden has just been lifted. I just feel that if we can get some help we can get caught up with life and then we will have some breathing room. I just haven't been able to bounce back from everything that life has thrown at us this year and so knowing that she is coming is so great. I am grateful that we have been able to build a good relationship. It was very hard on us when Matt's mom died and his Dad got remarried but we know that Vicki is a great blessing to this family.

A Tribute

I wanted to take a little space here on my blog and tell you about a very special person that has touched my life and I haven't even met her. Her name is Lynda and she is so real and so incredible. She had her son 3 months ago and he was still born. Lynda has helped me through so much with my miscarriages. She is a beautiful person, I just know it. I read her blog everyday and I know that we "ran" into each other on the net for a purpose. Lynda, you are radiant. Just keep breathing girl because you have helped me to do just that.

Hurts so Bad

Today we had another little miracle. I was supposed to go see the child psychologist for Claire but the psychologist called and had to reschedule. I was really bummed but then my neighbor called and needed me to watch her kids. So I made some extra money today which we needed very badly to pay our A/C bill which was 222 dollars. So there was a miracle. It was hard having 9 kids at the house but I made some playdough and it was all good from there.
As for the rest of this evening, I just don't know why it has to be so hard. We had dinner and by the time I was done making it I was exhausted. My whole body hurt. I am just so tired of hurting so bad and there is nothing I can do to stop it, I just have to take pills when it gets bad and I hate that. It's not like a broken bone that will go away with time, this is something that I will suffer with the rest of my life and that can be really depressing at times. After dinner we started our family home evening. Our project was to clean up the backyard. We said a prayer and began to work. Literally 2 minutes later, Ivan fell off of a swing onto the rocks and cut his head open. Luckily it wasn't bad enough to have to go to the hospital because we couldn't afford to take him anyway! The kids would not help and I was just too sore to do what needed to be done. So we came inside and the kids are just now getting into bed (thank goodness). There was a moment during the evening when I think I hit a huge low. I was holding a towel on Ivan's head which was bleeding, the kids and Matt were all sitting around and it just felt like my stomach hit the ground and I thought "why, why, why?" I just feel so discouraged because we are doing everything that the Lord has asked of us and everyday it is something new. I am so tired and it just hurts so bad to do everyday things. So although there was a miracle today, I have to say it was a very hard day. I am still wondering about my rainbow however, it may be here.

Unwritten

Wow, where to start tonight, don't even know. Sunday's are a hard day for our little family. Wrestling that three hour block from 2-5pm is very hard but I am so glad that we do it. There was several times that I felt the spirit close today and I am always grateful for that. There is so much to be overwhelmed about tonight but I really feel free. Does that even make any sense? I just feel this release, like someone standing arms out in the rain. I must be losing it but I feel good. I am thankful for that because it is not often lately that I feel good. I took a quiz on facebook called "what song is the theme song for your life." The answer was "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield and I must say that this song is awesome! It describes me to a T. I am a writer at heart and what I write is my life, no matter how boring or exciting. I try so hard to make my life what I want it to be. Here are the lyrics and I think they ROCK!

Unwritten lyrics

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
(This is sooo me!)

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah


This makes me happy because deep inside me is an edgy person just aching to get out. This is something I can truly dance to and the best thing to do when life get's you down is "dance it out!"

Count My Many Blessings

There is so much that has been going wrong for so long now that I have become very negative. I asked a friend today if she thought I was a negative person and she said "sometimes." I felt so bad. I never used to be so negative. I have always tried to look on the bright side of things. Right now there really doesn't seem to be a bright side but I know there is. We have been waiting for a miracle since we moved down here but I think we have been getting our miracle all along, it has just come in the form of small miracles, one at a time. For my own good I will list them:

1. It was a miracle that Matt was offered the transfer to Arizona, we could have been without a job.

2. It is a miracle that we got into this house. It was pure faith, prayers, our wonderful realtor and adrenaline that got us into this beautiful home where my children can sleep safely every night.

3. It is a miracle that I moved into a house 2 doors up from one of the most wonderful friends I will have. She has been a blessing, even before we moved in I met her and was comforted that she was here.

4. It is a miracle that I met a friend who works with Matt that is willing to put up with all of my quirks and love me for them.

5. It is a miracle that we are able to find a plethera of doctors here to help with Ivan and Claire. We were so limited in Utah and never would have received the help we are now without moving here.

6. It is a miracle that a wonderful friend was willing to give me little Gidget(my Yorkie Pup) after the loss of two babies this year.

7. It is a miracle that I was able to get pregnant two months in a row, even if those spirits had to return to Heavenly Father immediately.

8. It is a miracle that I have a husband that is willing to work so hard to make our family safe and happy.

9. It is a miracle that we are able to attend the temple which is no longer as far from our house and that our prayers have been answered within it's walls.

10. It is a miracle that after 5 years of trying to find legal help for a friend over seas, I find it right here in AZ.

11. It is a miracle that I have found doctors here that are familiar with my medical history and can help manage my pain.

12. It is a miracle that I have a select group of friends that still love me from afar and call or email to make sure I am alright.

13. It is a miracle that just when money was so tight I got a babysitting job.

The list could go on and on. There are new reasons everyday that prove to me that we are supposed to be here. I am going to try to focus on those when times get hard and believe me, they have been as hard as they have ever been for me. I realize now that I have always been comfortable in life. Now that things are not so comfortable I am leaning to the Lord for understanding and have grown closer to him. I cannot say what the Lord has in store for us. I do know we were sent here to see if we would be obedient and I am so grateful that we came. I do know that no matter how hard things may be with my children that God sent them to us for a reason. No one else could love them like Matt and I can and there is no way in my lifetime that anyone else will have to. I have so many friends that have become my family and I will forever be in your debt. Each one of you has created memories for me that make me laugh and cry and miss you all the more. It seems now as if those kinds of friendships could only be impossible here but I know that the Lord has already blessed me with a few of them and that with time, I will come to love the people of Arizona as much as I loved the people of Utah. I am grateful for a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ which daily reminds me that although things seem hopeless, God is holding my hand through every moment of my journey here on earth. I am so thankful for the atonement and the ability it gives me to fight day in and day out to do what is right and be forgiven when I fall short. I am so thankful for the beautiful family that God has sent to me, including a wonderful husband for whom there are not enough words to express my love. I will be sure to count my blessings before I let myself fall apart anymore.

Need Help

Today's psychiatry appointment for my children did not go so well. Medications were adjusted and diagnosis were made but no programs offered, no place for help or relief. My mother suggested I put the older two in foster care...I was crushed. I need some help from somewhere but looks like family is not the place to turn to.

Day After Day

Another day starts and it's hard not to feel like it's the same day starting over and over. The kids are constantly fighting and screaming. It's so hard to be positive when you are around that all of the time. I feel like it's my fault some how. I have tried so hard to be a good parent but maybe in trying so hard I have done them a disservice. I don't know what to do anymore. This fatigue thing is kicking my butt. I'm hoping it's because there is a rainbow coming (some of you know what that is) but I am not going to hope too much. We could use a rainbow amidst all of these storms. Today we have two different dr.'s appointments, that should be fun but then it's the weekend and I get to be with my hubby, YAY! We are going to try to go out for a date tonight, I can't wait.

My Long Awaited Bracelet

When I had my third miscarriage in April of this year, just a month after the second one. I was devistated and stumbled upon this blog pregnancylossribbons.blogspot.com.
It has been such a support to read others stories about their still born babies and miscarriages. I stumbled upon these bracelets that they sell. Here is what he bracelets represent:

awareness bracelets
'Rubber Band Bracelets'!

"A common complaint I hear from grieving moms is the difficulty in going about their daily lives and seeing pregnant woman or families with babies. What is hard to remember is that often we are also seeing moms who have had babies die. What if there was a symbol so that we could recognize each other and not feel so alone? The feedback I have had is that dads are wearing these as well." taken from pregnancylossribbons.blogspot.com

It is so nice to have something tangable that shows that my children lived if only for a brief moment inside of me. They are not gone and they weren't non-existant. I know many are probably thinking I should be moving on. I am not moving on, I am moving forward but that does not mean I cannot take their memory with me. I love my new bracelet.

Another Day...

Oh my goodness, can we survive this day??? My two oldest kids have decided that killing one another is a good activity. I am so tired of the screaming and the fighting that I just let it happen and hope they will learn their lesson. I am so tired. It's almost like you can feel the stress in the air when you enter my house. I don't know what is going on but it all feels like it is falling apart. We need a break from real life. Even though I sleep through the night, I never feel like I have had enough sleep. I think we all need a nap. Another thing that might be helpful is some heavy sedatives for my kids! I have been thinking a lot about heading up to Utah for a week or so but I can't take my husband and I just want to be with him. We haven't had any time together in so long. I think we need a date night. We need to get away from these crazy kiddo's!

Longing

Today has been a very emotional day for me. I have had a very hard time with Claire and I am at a complete loss as to what to do. Help is on the way though. I meet with a child psychologist on Monday and hopefully she can help us. So, several people that we know have had babies this week. I am truly so happy for them. I was browsing the baby section at the store today and I couldn't ignore the longing inside. Although I am so happy for them, I too want to have an addition to our family. I have been waiting for my "Infant and Pregnancy Loss" wristband to arrive in the mail. Somehow I think that will make me feel better. Somehow I think it will be something to wear literally on my sleeve to express my grief and my awareness of the children that I have that live in heaven. I am having a hard time because I feel our next child near. I know that it's spirit is with us and that it should join our family soon. I long to feel the kicking from within. I can only pray that the Lord will help us to bring one successfully here.

Here we Go, I Hope It Works

I got in touch with a psychologist today for Claire and I. We have been having huge problems that I just don't know how to handle. The counselor has a different approach to child psychology. She wants to meet with me first for about 5 sessions so that we can get an accurate diagnosis for Claire and then she will start meeting with her. I pray that this will work because I just don't have it in me to keep going this way. Everything in me hurts right now. My heart, my head, my body, I think my very soul hurts right now. I hope so much that this woman can help us.

Our Wild Child

I have come to the conclusion that the diagnosis we have been given for Claire Bear is just not right. The medications that we are using are helping to a certain degree but there is someone inside of her that is so angry and explosive, so violent and hateful. I don't know what to do. Medicine is just not enough. I am on the hunt today for a good LCSW that can help us because I can no longer handle her on my own. We have our own little wild child and I have no idea how to handle it. She has kicked a hole in her wall, multiple holes in her door. She nearly broke a window today when she was throwing toys at me and she hit me in the face with a weeble. Do you have any idea how bad that hurts??? I have tried the "Love and Logic" approach. I have read book after book. I have attended a parenting course and a course with her to help our interaction. All to no avail. I need help and I am hoping the Lord can direct us to the right spot.

So Frustrated

Life is hard. It seems like the trials are just flying at us at full speed. I just want a day or two between each one to breath. Is that too much to ask? Please God, help me to get through these things. I got a photo ticket in the mail which I must say is the STUPIDEST thing in the world. I ran a red light rather than slam on my breaks and get rear ended and I got a 218 dollar ticket and have to attend a traffic survival class, not to be confused with traffic school. I am so pissed about it. If I ignore it like you can with speeding tickets I will have a default judgement against me which means a warrant for my arrest. I am so frustrated!

Analyzing A Dream

I got this idea from my friend Lynda who did this not long ago. Thanks Lynda!
See the previous post for a description of my dream
My dream seemed to be centered around the house and the children.
a child represents a new phase in your life or a new project as well.
The dream took place in a huge house that my friend was renting. It was not a house I have seen before and it is not the house she really lives in.
To see a house in your dream, represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche. To dream that you are cleaning your house, signifies your need to clear out your thoughts and getting rid of old ways. You are seeking self-improvement.

In my dream I was desperately trying to clean the house but the children were destroying my every effort.
The toys on the floor seemed to be significant
To see toys in your dream, symbolizes childhood, domestic joy and harmony. You may be searching for the comfort and security of home. It also represents playful attitudes and your childish ways.
I could not keep the kids out of the pool. I just kept trying to put the cover on and they kept getting in. Ivan specifically.
To see a pool of water in your dream, denotes that you will find much happiness and pleasure in love and marriage. Your social life will keep you busy.
I was giving the two youngest girls a bath and I was in with them to hold them.
To dream that you are taking a bath, signifies a cleansing of your outer and inner self and a washing away of difficult times. This dream may also be symbolic of ridding yourself of old ideas, notions, opinions, and other negativities. Your dream may be pointing toward forgiveness and letting go.
My friends little girl was trying to get me to go down a wooden slide but I was scared.
To dream that you or somebody is on a slide, indicates that you are experiencing some instability in your waking life. You may have lost your grip on a situation or relationship.

this was interesting to learn.

Just So Tired

I don't know what is going on but I am so tired. It seems like I just can't get enough sleep! I did get a good nap this afternoon but I had the weirdest dreams the whole time. I was at a friends house but it wasn't their house at all. They lived in this huge place. Part of it was your regular sized home but it opened into a huge double kitchen, literally there was a sink, dishwasher and stove on each side. One side was a little less modern and the other side was completely black and stainless steel. Then you went down into this "pit" that had the table and a pool. The backyard opened up to a huge playground with a wooden slide. I would think sliding down wood would hurt your butt! Somehow my friend ended up at my house and I was at hers with her kids and mine. I was trying to gather some things she had told me to and get to my house. I just couldn't get there. One minute I was pulling a child out of the pool, the next I was giving one a bath. I kept knocking pictures off the walls and could not round up all the children. When I finally woke up enough to hear my own kids, it was all I could do to drag my butt out of bed and then I wasn't sure if the dream was real or not. They are not usually this vivid! I think it is telling me something. I think maybe I have kids on the brain a little too much. I think maybe I need a break!

What the Heck!

I swear, I must have done something in my previous life to piss off the powers that be and in return they gave me Ivan and Claire. It is so hard to love them so much but be so mad at them! They have been inside for two days now and they are going nuts! Claire has been successful in kicking a hole in her wall during a fit and Ivan kicked a hole in his door when he was in time-out. Obviously time-out won't work for us without the house falling apart at the seams. It is so frustrating to not know what to do. Their newest trick is to tie things to their ceiling fan. They have bunk beds so Claire can reach the fan. They think it's great fun but one of them is going to get their head cut off! I am going to have to take the fan down and replace it with a regular light. They will be hot at night but that is not my problem. I am so worn out. I have been told by my psychiatrist that I need to have at least 4 hours a week away from the kids but there is no way to do that without being away from my husband and I really want to be with him right now. The worst part is that he had to leave tonight and go to scouts. Of all nights, it had to be tonight. SOOOO frustrating.

Thank Goodness for Small Miracles

Tonight we were granted a small, possibly HUGE miracle for my friend. I cannot go into detail but I will say that just when you think the Lord cannot hear you, he sends you an angel named ANNMARIE.

Must Keep Believing

Today was a hard day for me, because it was a devistating day for one of my best friends. She has been in an ongoing legal battle and today was not a good day in court. I was supposed to testify but they dismissed all the witnesses. I have to keep believing that because she is living her life right and doing everything she can for her child that there will be a miracle. What is hard for me is that Matt and I have prayed for her for almost 7 years now and she is still going through this craziness. I have to say it has been a trial of my faith. I know that God answers prayers and so why aren't these one's being answered? The father in this story is not a good man and so I have to believe that God will send a miracle but we need it soon. Those of you who know her and even those that don't, pray HARD!!!

Miss You

I thought of you today.
I wondered if you were okay.
I wondered if you had returned,
or if you were still lost behind
the anger, the sadness and the anxiety.
I waited for you,
I anticipated your return
with hope.
You did not come.
Someone came in your place,
someone I have not known but now
stand side by side with.
This person does not laugh with me
like you used to.
This person does not make jokes like you
used to.
This person is a stranger.
I miss you.
I think about you all of the time.
I wonder if you are okay.
I wonder if you'll return someday.

NEW MOON!

I absolutely cannot wait for this movie to come out. Edward looks twice as hot as he did in the first one and I am now a Jacob fan as well! Oh my goodness, EYE CANDY!

How do I get myself into these things?

I took the kids for a fun time at the splash park in the San Tan village today. They had a great time. I was glad that I had my ipod because it was really boring sitting there alone while they played. After they played we went into children's place and spent some money that we really didn't have on shoes for Nora. Ivan and Claire both started throwing fits because I didn't buy them anything. Truth is, they usually get things and Nora doesn't but try telling them that. So it was turning into disaster anyway. We got in the car and the gas needle was buried in the red. I swear I had more gas than that when we got there. I was trying to get to the nearest gas station and suddenly putt...putt...putt. Out of gas. The kids and I ended up walking almost a mile in the arizona mid-day heat to buy a gas can and some gas. The check-out girl was so nice and gave us a ride back to our car. It was great, she commented on how I had my hands full with the three kids. She asked if we were catholic or something because I had so many kids...I said, worst, we're mormon! We both laughed and she said that although she wasn't mormon and didn't really know many, she thought we were nice. crazy but nice. She couldn't believe I had three young kids and wanted more. I was so thankful for her charity towards us. My poor kids were so hot and I only had a small stroller for Nora. It would have been a long walk back to the car. I don't know how or why I always get myself into these messes but I do!

Lonely

Today has started out hard. I hate it when that happens. I did some cleaning but my kids are so cooped up that we have to go somewhere. We are going to go to the splash pad by our house even though they want to go to the pool. I can't handle all of them at the pool. Claire woke up with an attitude and I am at a loss as to what to do with her. It is so hard to deal with. I have gone to several different doctors, got a diagnosis and followed their instructions to the last detail. People don't understand either. It's so hard having a child with a behavioral problem because people are not sympathetic. Instead of trying to help you, they keep their children away. Instead of offering relief, they offer advice when they really have no idea what is going on. If I had a child with a physical disability that acted the same way they would never dare to think the things they do. People can be such hypocrites. They say it takes a village to raise a child but my village is now empty. In Utah we had family that tried to understand and helped. Here we are alone. And so it is alone that we go to the splash pad, wishing for friends that were like family. We miss Utah so much and want to go home. It feels like we are stuck in the center of a bad storm, waiting for the clouds to break and all we see is more clouds on the horizon. We are tired, we are sad and we just can't keep going this way.