Monday, May 28, 2012
I haven't blogged in such a long time. It was not for lack of goings on in our family but merely for the fact that it is hard for me to put on a happy face and that's what most people want isn't it. The clerk at the grocery store, the acquaintance at church, the neighbor passing by. They all ask but do they really want to know? Do they really want to know that you lock yourself in your house everyday and cry. Do they really want to know that everyday you are haunted by images of your husband dying before your eyes, of he doctors administering CPR because his heart was stopping because the intubation was taking too long. They don't want to know the inner ramblings of a wife who suffers from severe depression and anxiety which is now coupled with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). There are few that really understand or want to know what's stirring inside of you and for those people I am infinitely grateful. There are those that try to make it better by giving you advice about reaching out to others and serving people around you but when you don't have the energy to serve your own family, when you can't even get out of bed in the morning it is super hard to do any of that. It doesn't mean I wouldn't like to but I hate to leave my own house. I have to take anxiety medication jus to go to the grocery store. The truth is I'm broken. We try to get through the day but between one child with aspberger's, one child who is bipolar, a mother who is broken and a father recovering from a stroke, life is pretty damn hard. So to those who ask but don't really want to know I say "we're doing good, getting better everyday." and to those who might possibly understand I simply shed tears when the ask. So I haven't blogged in quite a while because honestly does anyone want to read this kind of stuff? Most people just want the smile.