Friday, November 26, 2010


Our Thanksgiving was a quiet one. We spent some time at a friends house with great people and wonderful food. We had to leave early because Matt's legs and feet were swelling. We spent the remainder of the day at home as a family, Matt's legs elevated watching movies. I was so grateful that Blockbuster was open or our Thanksgiving would have been very lonely and very quiet. The day had started out on a sour note. I had slept in until 9am. I have been so exhausted without good reason but never the less, I have been dragging. When I came down stairs my kids had made such a mess of the downstairs. I was so upset because some of my best friends had spent an entire weekend cleaning the place and I had managed to keep it clean all week. It was more than I could take. The baby was ready for a nap and so I put her down and I left. I left Matt with the kids and I drove. I drove into the next city and bought myself breakfast and then headed up the canyon. It was just me, the road and a good CD. I don't know where I was going or what I was expecting out of the journey, I just knew I needed out. I drove up the canyon for more than 30 miles. I enjoyed the winding road and the freedom ahead of me. I tried not to think of what I had left behind...a mess. I realized on that drive that I am very unhappy. I am not unhappy with my little family or what the Lord has blessed me with but I am unhappy with myself. I also decided that until I could forgive myself for being who I am I will not be happy with the things that the Lord has given me. I have not been in a Thankful mood so far this season. Other have expressed daily what they are thankful for and although I could make a list miles long of the things that I have been blessed with and am thankful for, I have not wanted to. I have been angry, not thankful. I do believe that had I chosen to participate in this exercise of thankfulness my attitude would have been drastically different but I just didn't want to. I was just too tired to even try. Instead I have turned my attention inward and not liking at all what I have seen I have self-medicated with silly things like buying socks (Leilani that was for you). Not liking what I have seen within I have spent a tremendous amount of time lately trying to change everything. Guess what...none of it has worked. This time of year is a time for thankfulness but it is also a time for forgiveness and I have a large list of things to forgive myself for. I realize that this is not a small task and that it will take years and lot's of help from others and from the Savior but I feel I have made a major breakthrough just by realizing where the problem lies. All this time I have been blaming our circumstances for my unhappiness when in reality if circumstances were different I would most likely be just as unhappy. The secret is, deep down inside, somewhere I do not allow myself to go very often I have learned to hate myself. I have allowed myself to hurt me in ways that I would never let anyone else. I have neglected and abused myself. Through the wisdom of the words of another woman who found herself in a similar predicament, I began to realize that it was time to stop hating myself and start forgiving myself.
The list is endless but here are 10 of the things that I am going to learn to forgive myself for, no matter how long it may take.

1. I forgive myself for having a "muffin top." No, seriously I forgive myself for the condition of my body. It has been something I have hated for as long as I could remember. I forgive myself for not being able to do things with my body that other mothers can, like run along side my childs bike or play kick ball with them. I forgive myself for wearing a size 18-20 (that's right, I said it out loud). I forgive myself for not being able to resist things like Costa Vida and Oreo's. I forgive myself for not being able to fit into the cute clothes that all of my friends are sporting. Somehow I will learn to love all 236 pounds of myself(close your mouths, shock is unbecoming and hurtful).

2.I forgive myself for being needy. I know it and those of you who are my friends know it. I absolutley hate this about myself but it is something I am going to forgive and hopefully change.

3. I forgive myself for not being the perfect mother. We've all seen them and wished that we were them. I am sick of telling myself that they have faults too because their worst attributes would probably outweigh my best anyday but I am doing the best I can and so I forgive myself for my shortcomings and will forgive myself everyday for not doing it right, and then try to do it right.

4. I forgive myself for not being able to see the bright side of things all of the time. I forgive myself for feeling despair (a lot) and crying. I forgive myself for not being stronger and I will strive to find strength in everyday God chooses to give me.

5. I forgive myself for being on depression medication (that's right, I'm crazy as a loon). I forgive myself for not being able to face a lot of situations without the help of my little green pills. I forgive myself for needing a "chemical smile." I forgive myself for wanting to admit myself to the psyc ward a lot of the time just to get a break. And most of all I forgive myself for wanting to verbally abuse the people who try to tell me I don't need to, because they simply cannot understand.

6. I forgive myself for the lies that I have believed. I forgive myself for believing that my husband settled for less than what he deserved. I forgive myself for believing I am not everything that my family needs.

7. I forgive myself for being angry at myself for being angry(wow that didn't make a lot of sense) that my husband is sick. I forgive myself for hating everything that has happened to him and in turn to us. I forgive myself for being angry at the things that his illness has taken from us.

8. I forgive myself for not wanting to be the rock for this family all of the time. I forgive myself for wanting to walk out the door sometimes. I forgive myself for the fact that somedays are just too much for me.

9. I forgive myself for not being able to keep an un-cluttered house. I forgive myself for needing the help of others to organize and clean this place. I forgive myself for not having the physical or emotional strength for this square footage.

10. I forgive myself for not always feeling thankful for my circumstances. This does not mean I am not thankful for them, this just means that somedays it sucks and I am just going to let it suck. I forgive myself for letting it suck somedays.

This is just skimming the top but a girl has to start somewhere. And sometimes starting is the hardest part.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

An Answer to Prayer

It was one week ago today that I sat in a church meeting, tears streaming down my face, silently pouring my heart out to the Lord. The tears were the only evidence that I was struggling. I hated those tears. I hated them for the mere fact that they exposed the truth I was trying so hard to conceal. The truth was I was not okay. The truth was I needed help. That day the Lord sent me a friend. He reminded me that I was not alone. Today he sent more help. We have struggled so much since we moved to Arizona. I think by far right now has been the worst time of all. Last Sunday as I sat in church I plead with the Lord for help. I had reached my breaking point. I had reached a point where I knew I could no longer continue. My house had become overwhelming. My kids had become overwhelming because I was so stressed about my house. I wanted help, I needed help but I just didn't know how to ask for it. I didn't know who to ask. I felt an overwhelming burden and all I could think to do was turn it over to the Lord. Throughout the week I tried and failed at cleaning the house. Although I threw out piles and piles of un-needed things, there was always more. I knew I just had to keep myself going until Saturday. A family that we have been blessed to be a part of arranged for Matt and I to go to a hotel for a night. Saturday came and that morning I was desperately trying to get everyone ready to go and clean the house so I would not come back to more work. I just couldn't get things in order and so we simply left. The hotel stay was amazing. We had room service, a jetted tub and in-room movies. We couldn't have asked for a better time but our real miracle was waiting at home. What we came home to was the help I had been so earnestly praying for. While we were away, Cassie, Sara and Kathy, our miracle workers and friends had cleaned, organized, scrubbed, name it, they did it. My house is incredible. I have counters again. I can see my appliances, the mountains of papers and junk are organized and put away. It truly was the miracle I had been too proud to ask for. God had heard my prayer and answered it with some of the most loving people I know. I could do nothing but cry. This meant so much to me. This was an insurmountable job for me and they understood that and did not hesitate. I will never be able to repay them. There are not words to tell them how much this miracle means to me. I only hope someday to be to the answer to their prayers as they were to mine today. The Lord has shown me once again how much he loves me by sending some of the kindest and most Christ-like people into my life.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Thank Goodness for Medicine, Herbs and Neighbors!

All in all today was a good day and I needed that so much! We spent the morning in the pediatricians office because Ivan has a bite on the back of his leg that has gotten infected. They started him on an antibiotic and made a big circle around the infected area. They told me to watch it throughout the day and if it passed that circle we needed to go to the hospital for some IV antibiotics. He went to school and his teacher kept and eye on it for me. When I went to pick him up she said it had spread and sure enough, it had. I gave him the first dose of his antibiotic and hoped it would not reach the outer limits of that dreaded circle. We played outside well into the evening and then came in for baths. When he got in the bath I noticed that the redness and swelling had reached the edge of the circle but not surpassed it. I figured it was time to head to the hospital. I called the pediatrician and he said to give him one more dose of the antibiotic tonight and watch it. I did that and watched as nothing happened and it stayed quite red and swollen. He began to complain that his leg hurt and so again I figured it was time to go to the hospital. I called the doctor again and he said it was up to me and then told us which hospital to go to if we went. I just kept going back and forth between whether or not to go. Poor Ivan has spent a lot of time in the hospital this year and I am more than tired of seeing the inside of emergency rooms. Because the doctor did not seem to concerned I decided that I would say a prayer and see if that helped my feeling one way or another. After praying I decided that we would try a few things at home. I called my Mother in law who is great with herbal remedies (she helped us with a few spider bites this last summer in Utah) and asked her what I needed to help this situation. She told me that I needed some Plantain. Right then I knew that I was in trouble because first of all I have never heard of the stuff and second I live in the middle of nowhere and Plantain is not something that you would find in abundance here. I decided to give it a shot and post on facebook that I was in need of Plantain and wouldn't you know it, a friend in the ward had some growing in her back yard! I was feeling better about my decision with each passing moment and small miracle. I brought some leaves home and made a salve for Ivan's leg and wrapped it. We had a friend come over and help Matt give him a priesthood blessing and now we are just letting the herbs, the antibiotics and the Lord do their work. I have a very good feeling that he will be much improved by morning and if not then I have no issue taking him to the hospital then. We will see what happens. I am thankful for the diverse relationships I have. I am thankful to be a part of a community and a religion where we can rely on one another for something as simple as Plantain and something as big as cleaning each other's houses. I miss home but I feel the roots here growing stronger and I am so thankful to the Lord for making me feel accepted, and less lonely here. All in all, today was a good and productive day.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

We Did It!

Today was regional stake conference for our church and we made it! It is the first time we have been to stake conference as a family in years! We even stayed the whole time because everyone but Naomi and me fell asleep. It was a nice meeting. Naomi was very fussy and so I was in and out and I don't remember too many specifics but I am so proud and grateful that we went. It is the first "normal" thing I feel like we have accomplished in a long time. It was something that seemed impossible but we did it. We went almost an hour early so that we would have a bench to sit on and the kids were so good. Before we had left the house I felt so overwhelmed and discouraged. It feels like I am the only one trying to keep things going. I am the only one that seems to be cleaning up the house or taking care of business unless I yell and scream at the family to help. I hate that I am the bad guy. I hate that I get so angry about our house getting messy but it is such a defeating feeling to work so hard to clean up the house only to have my efforts undone within a matter of hours. I think it would not make me so angry if I didn't hurt all of the time. You see, cleaning the house or even a room when you have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue is like trying to climb a mountain without legs, it's impossible or nearly so without help. I don't go straight to angry when I see what the kids have done to their rooms, first comes sadness, desperation and then anger. I am literally holding back tears most of the time. Matt used to be my relief and now that he no longer feels well enough to help I am on my own. What is even worse is when I see him helping and see him hurting because I know how bad it is. I am very anxious to move into a smaller house, one that is more manageable. Furthermore I am very anxious to continue ridding ourselves of the unnecessary things that fill the extra space in this house. We have too much "stuff." I truly believe that before all is said and done we are going to have to bring in someone to help me. I am not physically or emotionally able to carry this load by myself. As I sat in conference and thought about this I started to cry. I just sat there on the bench and cried. A friend of mine asked if I was okay and it was the first time I didn't hesitate to say "no, I'm not." I am so glad it was her, I know she understands a little of what I'm feeling and without hesitation she offered to come help clean the house. She had been coming to ask us over for dinner. It was PERFECT timing. I am so glad that she had the feeling that I needed help and that she asked if I did and then offered help. She is an amazing friend. I am so grateful for the friends that I have. I am so thankful that the Lord has seen fit to bring loving, selfless, compassionate people into my life. I hope to be more like them. I hope to learn from their examples. I hope to be worthy of the friendships the Lord has given me. To all of my friends, I love you and am so grateful for you.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Who Will Clean Up The Mess?

Stress is a body's reaction to a situation that requires the need for change or adjustment. Stress can manifest itself in emotional, physical and mental symptoms. Stress can be a healthy response to an unhealthy situation. What happens when stress has no end? What happens when one stressful situation turns into another which in essence turns into another and it has no break in between? That is what I like to call overload. What can overload do to a person? Look at me, I am a living example of human overload. At what point can the human body, mind and soul no longer handle the overload and merely settles into a state of shock. I am waiting for that to happen. I just keep thinking that at some point these emotions that I am feeling are going to be too much to bear and I will simply withdraw into a state of shock. It doesn't seem to be happening. I do not feel that my body is welded together with enough strength to withstand the force of stress that is building inside. I feel the stress and the overload chipping away from the inside. I feel the pressure expanding within me and in a way I wish that I could just withdraw, say "to hell with it all" and give up. Giving up seems like such a wonderful alternative right now. I know that most of you are probably tired of hearing me ramble on and on day after day about how hard things are and if that is the case I can hardly blame you I will simply invite you to stop reading my blog. With that said, I need help. I need so much help I don't even know where to start asking for help. The smallest problems or tasks seem to add weight to my burdens that I just simply cannot bear. I spend my days smiling and doing my best to make it through. I use humor to try and make myself and everyone around me feel like what I am dealing with is okay and the truth is, it's not working. We recently filed Bankruptcy. Certain people I know would be horrified to know that I am telling you all this, that I am letting it out in the open but the truth is, life is tough and it's my business to share it with whom I choose. We had our trustee hearing this last week and all went really well. There is only one more matter of business and then all is discharged and we can breathe a huge sigh of relief. The problem is that this one matter of business has turned into a grandiose problem because someone did not do their job right. Some person who is paid far too little to do a job that they hate made a mistake that could be catastrophic to our situation. When Matt had his accident this last June his father came to our rescue and sold us a car. He was listed as the lien holder on the title because we have been paying him what little money we can here and there. When my husband went to register the vehicle here in AZ they issued a new title without my father in law on the title as a lien holder. The trustee in our bankruptcy wants to see a copy of the title with my father in law as the lien holder. Well, no problem right? I simply go to the MVD and have them issue a new title with my father in law as the lien holder and all is well...I wish it were that easy. There is one tiny catch. We bought the vehicle in June and that is when the new title was issued. If I get another title issued tomorrow and they will not list June 12 as the date the lien was incurred, all of the money that we have paid to my father in law for this car so far can be ordered back to the trustee. We are not talking a small amount of money either, we are talking thousands. It is ridiculous to me that something as simple as a date on a piece of paper can determine such a huge outcome for our family. I am so overwhelmed that I feel as if I could cry for days and it just wouldn't be enough. Nothing physical has ever hurt as bad as my heart has hurt these last 5 months. This is a very depressing post I know and I promise that they will not all be like this but I had to get this out. The saddest part about this whole thing is that I wanted someone to call and cry to. I wanted someone to call and ask for help but I find that I am that person for most other people and so when the time came for me to lean on someone else there was no one there. This is my problem and mine alone. Even my husband gets to go to work while I throw myself at the mercy of the MVD and we all know how cooperative they can be. I just can't handle anymore responsibility, stress and above all overload. I want somehow for it all to stop. Perhaps the fairy tales have it all right. Perhaps being locked in a tower asleep for one hundred years isn't such a bad idea at all. Right now it seems like such a wonderful alternative to dealing with life's "little" problems. I just wonder when enough will be enough. I wonder at what point I will explode into a thousand pieces and just who will clean up that mess when I am not around to do it?

Monday, November 8, 2010

A Gift

Tonight Matt and I were given the greatest gift from some of our greatest friends. They arranged for Matt and I to have a night away at a hotel. They are going to take the kids overnight for us and we can just be alone and enjoy each other. I don't know if these friends will ever realize what a special gift this is. The last time that Matt and I spent time alone was in the ICU at St. Joseph's hospital. I am so excited to have this time with him. I am so excited to spend time alone with him watching movies and relaxing instead of watching monitors and praying the pressure in his head would stay below 20. Those were some of the scarriest moments of my life. He is doing so much better now and what a way to celebrate his ongoing recovery. I am hoping that my emotional recovery from all of this will continue. So far I have been blessed with a tremendous amount of strength and comfort but I can feel myself struggling. I haven't been able to face the nights at our house since we came home from the hospital. I have a horrible time going to sleep. I am so afraid of the silence that falls over the house when everyone is sleeping. I cannot control the thoughts that creep in when all is quiet. It is at these times that I turn to God in prayer asking for comfort. I know it sounds silly but I lie awake listening to Matt and with every sound he makes my heart pounds with the fear that something may go wrong. Is it positive to have post traumatic syndrome when something like this happens? If so I'm pretty sure I've got it. I have had many good days and I am so thankful for them. I do wish I could spend these days with Matt. It is a desperate feeling to watch him leave for work knowing that he does not feel well. I have kept my days very busy lately so that I don't have time to be sad and for the most part it works. Today I took Nora and Naomi shopping after we dropped Ivan at school and it took so much self control not to just drive to Matt's work. I must have called him 10 or more times just to hear his voice. I just miss him so much when we aren't together. I have always loved my husband but I did not know that I was capable of loving someone this much. I pray everyday that we will be given more time but the truth is there will never be enough time here on Earth. I am so thankful for the knowledge that he and I are eternally bound. The sands of time may run dry for us in this life but there is an eternity of happiness waiting for us. What a blessing this is. It is true there are days when eternity seems so far away but we are building that eternity right now and I am so thankful to be building it with my best friend.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

"Organize yourselves, prepare every needful thing."

Today I began organizing myself, my house and my family. We went to church for the first time in several weeks. I am so grateful we were able to go. I am so grateful that no one was sick or in the hospital. It was fast and testimony meeting and it was so nice to attend. I really enjoy our ward. There are so many incredible people who are willing to serve one another. After church we came home for lunch and a nap. Matt and I both fell asleep with the little one's which left Claire and Ivan to their own devices. This is never a good scenario. All of the cleaning I had done over the weekend had been undone by the time we awoke. I am proud to say that although I was angry and the kids did get reprimanded, for the most part I kept my cool. I knew if I stayed in the mess I would lose it and so I packed up the family and we went for a drive. We ended up at Walmart which had not been my original plan. There was no premeditation about breaking the Sabbath but I am hoping that there will be some understanding by all because it kept me from lashing out at my children. At Walmart I cleaned them out of clear plastic storage bins. My house has been in dire need of organization and I could not stand to be in the mess any longer. So tonight after coming home from Walmart the organizing began. I am proud to say that there were many full trash bags thrown away and the pile for the Good Will is now going to take more than one trip. I feel so much better tonight. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I want to organize us and be prepared for what the Lord has in store for us. I feel I am well on my way to a cleaner and less burdensome home.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Family God Has Given Me

Today was a remarkably better day compared to those of last week. Lately Saturdays have been a hard and trying day for me but with the help of my wonderful husband, Xanax, a nap and a few cokes, my day was okay. I have been having a very hard time being the mom lately. As if being a mother is not stressful enough, you add the current events of our lives and you have one hot mess. I love my children. My children are an absolute in my life that I cannot be without. I feel however that I am not doing any justice to the title of motherhood. The children sense the stress in our lives, I am sure of it. They are pushing all of the right buttons at just the right rimes and I feel that it is no coincidence. You would think that as their mother I would understand this and find a way to help them find some sense of normal but instead I become angry. I feel betrayed by their lack of understanding of the situation which is ridiculous. They are far too young and thankfully too innocent to understand the hardships that life can bring us. I just don't want to be their hardship. I want so much to make a positive imprint on their lives and I don't feel that my actions of late have been in any way positive. I am so thankful for the concept of repentance. I am thankful that it can be applied in every aspect of our lives. There are many days when I feel like I have fallen short of being the righteous wife and mother I should be. I am so thankful that on those days I can use the steps of repentance to find my way back to my Heavenly Father and find my way back into the good graces of my family. I have an amazing husband and phenomenal children who forgive me for my weaknesses and strive to help me find my way back to happiness when it is lost to me. It is amazing to me that my children can come to me with a hug and an "I love you mom" only moments after I have lost my temper with them. It is amazing to me that my husband knows just what to do with the children when I lose my temper. He calmly shepherds them into cleaning the mess that has driven me over the edge. He sweetly reads them a story to calm them down when they are throwing a fit that I do not have the patience to deal with. The concept of forgiveness and love in itself is amazing. I hope and pray that I can teach my children forgiveness and show them enough love that they will be willing to forgive me when I fall short. God has blessed me with an amazing family and with everything that has happened with our little family in the last two and a half years I realize more and more why God placed us together. Matt and I couldn't be better matched. He is my best friend. He makes me smile when it feels like there is nothing worth smiling about. Claire is so independent. There have been so many times during these hard times that she has taken upon herself to pick up my slack. Simple things like washing her sisters hair or making toast for her brother have been things she does without complaint. They are simple tasks that at times seem insurmountable to me and she can sense that. She and I struggle to get along but I love her fiercly and pray that she can feel that. Ivan has an enthusiasm that amazes me. He is determined and his will is strong. It is these qualities that sometimes drive me crazy but I am so thankful for them. I am greatful for the enthusiasm he has for playing with the baby when I just need a break. I am so thankful for his prayers at dinner time asking Heavenly Father to help him and his sisters to be good, his daddy to get better and his mommy to be nice. I know God hears his prayers. I am so thankful for the comic relief that Nora brings to our family. Her laugh is amazing, it has a melody all it's own, it makes me laugh. Laughing is not something I do too often anymore. I love the silly things she says from time to time that remind me of her innocence. She is a joy to me. Naomi...there is such a soft place in my heart for Naomi Grace. She is my miracle. She is such a happy child. During this time of sorrow and uncertainty for our family, Naomi is a constant source of wonderment. She truly is like her name, a testament to Gods grace. I hope to live to be worthy of the family that God has given me. I will continue to strive to be better for them and I know with Gods help I can be worthy of the blessing they are to me.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Where Do I Go From Here?

I think I am officially losing what little sanity I have left. I have done so well so far. There have been minimal breakdowns and more good days than bad but I am starting to wonder if that is really the best thing for me right now. I have moved forward, keeping myself so busy in an attempt to distract myself from what feelings lie deep within and I am afraid that they ate starting to surface. Tonight I did a bad thing. I screamed and yelled at my 6 year old daughter because the upstairs was covered in toys. I completely blew up and immediately felt horrible. The worst part is that when I went to apologize she had already fallen asleep. I am not being the best mother I can be right now. I am struggling so bad and until now I have hid it fairly well from everyone except those closest to me. I don't think I can hide it anymore. I am so angry. What makes it even worse is that there Is no one to be angry at! This is no ones fault. I am overwhelmed and I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to admit that I can't do it by myself anymore. Now that Matt is not feeling well, I am facing a whole new set of challenges. I am now trying to clean a house on my own, I am trying to juggle four kids on my own. I am fighting with insurance companies on my own and I don't even have the energy to get dressed most days. I think I really need to go to therapy but what am I supposed to say? That I am angry that life has gone from bad to worse in the last 2 years? That I am angry that most nights I fall asleep alone in my bed because my husband cannot get up the stairs to our bedroom? That I am angry that I don't have more patience for my children and that I feel like I have already done irreperable damage to them? That I am angry that my family has not come to see me since all of this happened? That I am angry that I can't make things better for my husband and children? The list goes on and on. I have been avoiding the anger phase thinking I was doing something healthy, something positive but I realize now that I have merely been hiding my feelings. I am starting to feel the anger and it scares me. I am not quite sure what to do with it. I feel like I am letting everyone down if I succumb to this anger but I also feel like it is the only option. I feel as If I will fall apart if I dont let go of the idea of how I should react and instead allow myself to feel what is really going on inside of me. I think we have reached a point where therapy is inevidable. I just wish someone could be in charge for a while and I could just sleep the pain away. Suddenly I just can't seem to find the bright side anymore. Where do I go from here?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Cry It Out And Then Keep Going

Tonight my heart is heavy. I hesitate to post too much when I am having a hard time in order to refrain from seeming ungrateful or negative but blogging is a therapy I can afford and so here I am. Tonight my heart is heavy and the future weighs on my mind. A couple of things happened today that contributed to my current condition. Some of the family called today and wanted to know how Matt was doing. It is so nice to know that we are not forgotten and the we have family praying for us in other places but it is hard at the same time to update them all. When they call I feel so pressured to make the best of the situation. Most days I can do just that but I will not say that it is without effort. It takes all the energy I have to get myself going everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't pause at some point and think "what am I going to do when Matt can't remember us?" I feel so blessed to still have him here with us but in a way I feel like he is being taken from us bit by bit. Everyday I wonder if there will be another piece of him missing. I never knew I could love someone so desperately. I never knew that my very existence could be linked to another person. Most days I have the energy or am blessed I should say with the energy to smile. Most days I can live like everything is normal but there are days when I have to stop and say "no everything is not okay." I just keep telling myself it will be okay and I really do believe that but tonight I want to know how. I want to see the end from the beginning. It's as if I am watching someone Else's life and I want to skip to the end in order to avoid the sad parts in the middle. I want to know why. Isn't that such a cliche'? Everyone always wants to know "why me?" I guess the question is "why not?" We are human just like everyone else which means we will have trials just like everyone else but I want to know why one of my biggest fears is coming true. I have always said I would not have the strength to lose a spouse or a child and here I am losing my husband. I am just thankful that he will still be here physically. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't see him everyday even if he doesn't know who I am. I want to always be able to look into his blue eyes and see my own love reflected back at me. I am hoping the love I have will be enough for the both of us.
Claire had a hard day at school today. She got in trouble for something that was not a big deal but it is something that had to be dealt with. I wasn't sure quite how to handle it and so I talked with her and then decided that I would talk with Matt and we could decide how to handle it together. This is the second event that tugged at my heart today. I realized today that it is very possible that someday when something happens and it is not so simple and I really need Matt on my side he won't be there. This realization makes it hard to breathe. This possibility seems more and more likely with every hard day that he has. All around me people are telling me that it may not happen, that the doctor's could be wrong but what they don't see is that it has already started happening. Everything that the doctor told us could happen has started happening. He has started forgetting things daily, semi-big things and it seems to be more frequent. The doctor told us that his pituitary gland could be damaged by one of the operations and it has. He seems to be falling apart physically and I am following him desperately trying to pick up the pieces and put him back together. I love him too much to lose him. It's like trying to imagine the death of your spouse. The very idea makes you sick to your stomach and you have to stop yourself from thinking about it because it can't possibly happen. Something so horrible just can't happen. Trying to imagine my life without Matt's sense of humor, without his sarcasm and wit is like trying to imagine my life without him at all. It is just too painful. It makes me sick to my stomach and I have to stop myself and think "one day at a time Aubrey, one day at a time." I have no doubt that the Lord will carry us through this time and give us the time we need to adjust but I have to admit that tonight it is just not okay. This whole situation is just not okay with me. I want to scream "nothing is okay" but I can't, that's just not okay. I am expected to be strong, I am expected to say "just fine" when asked how I am because people just can't accept the truth without thinking that I am seeing the glass half empty. It is very hard to live up to other's expectations. I know they just want to help and comfort me but there are days when I just need to cry it out. My new motto is "cry it out and then keep going." I repeat this to myself whenever it gets too hard to breathe. I have a very strong testimony of Jesus Christ. I know that he alone has made it possible for Matt and I to be together forever. I know that Christ has felt my pain and Matt's pain and will not abandon us in this time. I know that God has given us eternal families. I am so grateful for the knowledge that Matt and I will be together again someday whole and perfect. I am so thankful for the knowledge that this pain is only temporary. I testify that God makes miracles happen even if they are not the miracles we are expecting. I have fallen and felt the hand of the Lord pick me up and push me on. I know that it is the hand of the Lord that will carry us through this life and into the next where we can be together forever and though tonight my heart is heavy, I trust that the Lord will lighten my burden and tomorrow will be a better day.

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Grace of God

Today was a very productive day for me. I have been trying to get out of the house early in the mornings lately, it seems to help me feel a little less sluggish. After a frustrating trip to Walmart with the kids I came home to battle the house. Neither of us has won that battle yet but I am ahead! I decluttered all of the closets and now have what I like to call "mount
miscellanious" in the loft. I hope to move this mountain before it becomes it's own historical land mark. For those of you that know me, this truly is a historical moment in my life. It is the moment I FINALLY declared independence from my hoarding habit and chucked all of the clothes I have been holding on to since Claire was born. As I was cleaning out the closets I found myself including the newborn clothes that Naomi has outgrown into the "to be donated" bags. Months ago I could not have done this. I knew that she would probably be our last baby but because my dream of a large family has been altered by life I was just not ready to give in to that idea. I still would love to have one more child. I still feel like there is someone missing but I am coming to terms with our situation. I believe the Lord has granted me some peace and comfort as far as this subject is concerned. I know that there is a chance that we may get our miracle and that Matt may not forget us entirely and that is why I am not willing to take the permenant route for concluding our family. I do believe however that if our miracle does not come in the form that we want it to, the Lord will provide us with the miracle of peace. It was a wonderful realization to feel that things would be okay. Tonight was a little bit harder. I was so tired. I have reached what feels like the "point of no return exhaustion." I found myself feeling resentful toward life and our situation. I work until I can hardly move and that is where Matt used to be able to relieve me. Now I work until I can hardly move anymore, take some darvocet and keep right on working. I am not mad at Matt because he cannot help but I am completely overwhelmed. I always assumed given my medical history that I would be the one to fall apart first. It's hard to be on either side but from this side it looks impossible. I know that there will be people along the way to help me but I wonder what will happen when our kids become teenagers and I have to deal with "the hard stuff" on my own. What happens when major decisions need to be made and Matt is not able to help me make them? I guess this is why it is so important for me to remain close to my Father in Heaven. I firmly believe that prayer, faith, endurance and the grace of God are the only things that are going to see us through this unfortunate situation.