Monday, August 15, 2011

All The Wrong Things?

It's hard to believe that it is only Monday. Now that I am not working the days seem to blend together but that is a good thing because I am busy with my kids. I am so thankful to be home with them again. The pit in my stomach that has been there from the first day I left them to go to work until now is gone and although being home with them is exponentially harder than being at work, it is what I need right now. I opened a letter on Saturday from the State of Utah congratulating me on an interview for a job I had applied for and really hoped to get. I had applied some time ago when I thought I had a handle on things. When I thought I could be that person I was trying so hard to be. When I thought that working and being away from my children was something I could handle. It is a position in the Executive Directors office which would be "awesome on my resume" (I kept telling myself) and today I called the office and gracefully (I think) turned it down. I was torn over the weekend about whether or not this was the right thing to do. Logically I knew that it would be the best step I could make toward a career with the State of Utah which would help support us when (and I guess I should say) if I need to support us but in my heart I felt it was a step further from my family and my children. I enjoyed working and hope that someday I can go back to a similar job, perhaps even the same department if they will have me but it is not right for us right now. I have felt this gap begin to grow between my children and I and even Matt and I ever since we got here. I think a large part of that feeling came from the wall that I was beginning to build around myself. I was isolating myself because it hurt so much to be away from my children. I had even stopped calling them at all throughout the day because hearing their little voices broke my heart and I hated crying at work. In the last 2 weeks I have turned down 2 jobs with the state and I know there are people that are disappointed and some that are even thinking that I have done the wrong thing. I have even wondered if perhaps I have done the wrong thing. Maybe the Lord was putting these opportunities in front of me but I think if it was his plan for me I would not have felt so sick about it. I would have felt excitement but instead all I felt was panic and fear. I have loved the last week I have been here with the kids. I wasn't here to help them make the adjustment to being here but I am here now to help them make the adjustment to going to school. I hope I have not done all the wrong things but these children are everything to me. I never thought I could love someone so completely other than my husband but the minute my first child was born my heart grew in size and it continued to grow with each child that has entered our family. There is such a potential for loss with these trials we have been given. There is the potential of losing everything we know to be normal and "finding a new normal" like we have been is getting harder and harder to do. I feel like I need to spend as much time with these little one's as I can before I lose this time with them. I know I should be more positive, people tell me that but right now I just don't have the strength. That is why I am getting help. These little one's that we have need for me to be positive. They need something in their world to be strong and I want that something to be me. I am still looking for the right counselor. For some reason I am dragging my feet. I think the reason I pure exhaustion. I firmly believe that I could sleep for the next two weeks straight and still not be rested but I think that comes from the depression and the never ending anxiety. I really need to get a hold on things. I thought it would be so much easier here. I should have listened better when one of my best friends told me "it's just geography Aubrey." She was so right. We have awesome people here as we did there but the trials seem to keep coming. It seems that in Arizona I was better emotionally. I was forced to hold it together and when we got here and there was some room to breathe I just started hyperventilating instead. I did the one thing that I was so tired of hearing people tell me not to do, I got angry at God and I have been trying for the last 3 months to patch that relationship. I am ashamed to admit that when things go wrong the first place I go is back to that anger. I even stopped going to church when we got here because I couldn't face all of those people and I just couldn't face the feelings I was having and the anger that I had misplaced. I am doing a little better though. I have gone to church 2 weeks in a row and I have been talking myself out of my anger. I still don't understand what all of this is for. Why have we been chosen to endure these things? It is a question that will most likely go unanswered for a very long time and I suppose the important thing to remember is not why we had to endure them but how well did we endure them. I want to make my Father in Heaven proud and it will take some doing. If I could just get past the exhaustion. All in good time I guess...All in good time.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Wake Up Call

What a hard couple of days it has been for me. I can't even begin to describe the emotional pain that has gripped my heart for the last 48 hours. In truth it has been building for some time. We found out that Matt has to have more surgery which has sent me spiraling downword emotionally. I had accepted another job but daily I began having more and more panic attacks. Last night I found out that someone I had known in Arizona had taken her own life. It was such a wake up call for me. I have been having suicidal thoughts for some time now and I have waited to get help thinking that maybe I could handle it on my own. Well, I have been failing miserably. Last night I also had the last conversation I will ever had wih someone who has been one of my best friends for the last 7 years. Although I know that hurtful things were said out of anger and I know that they are not true, it still hurts. So this morning I went in to the office and quit my job. I came home and I slept the whole day. Tomorrow I am headed to find a counselor and get the help that I need. I just wish that the heartache would stop but I have a feeling that things are going to continue to be hard for a while.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Dogghouse Update

I have been wanting to update the blog for some time now but every time I sit to write I just don't know where to begin. Our lives have taken on such a different look that sometimes I wonder if this is really us or just some alternate version of us. We are not unhappy by all means but this is definitely not what we expected our lives to look like. Matt is working for the Utah State Health Department as a pharmacy claims tech and Monday is my last day as the General Information Specialist for the Utah State Human Services Department. On Friday a supervisor from the Bureau of Contract Management came to me and asked if I would like a temporary job in their department. I was very flattered. I know that my boss now put in a very good word for me and I a so grateful. So on Tuesday I start my new job and although I am nervous about starting over in a new department I am very grateful to have the opportunity to learn a new side of the Human Services Department. This whole thing has been kind of a wild emotional ride for me. It has been so hard to be away from our kids. Everyday my heart hurts a little bit knowing that I am missing the little moments with them that I have enjoyed for years but I know that working is the right thing for me right now. It's funny to see how the plan that the Lord has for me plays out as opposed to the plan that I had for myself. I had planned to be done working on Monday and to be home with my kids. I was planning on using the next two weeks to take my kids shopping and get all ready for school to start. Instead I have a new job and I am facing the possibility of missing their first day of school, something I have NEVER missed. When I realized that I would be working that day I started to cry. It seems that the tears come so easily lately, as if they didn't before. The kids are very excited for school to start and this year three of them will be going. Claire is starting second grade. She is 7 going on 23 and I see so much of myself in her. Ivan is starting first grade and we are all excited that he is going to have all day everyday to spend with other kids. He does his best to drive us crazy here at home but whenever he is away I miss him so much. Nora is starting preschool and I am so excited for her. We tried preschool last year for about 2 weeks but she did not enjoy it. This year she has to go whether she enjoys it or not because Kindergarten is right around the corner! Naomi is such a happy baby most of the time and she is finally sprouting more teeth. She is 17 months and still sporting only the front 4 teeth.
We are missing having our own place. We are missing our time alone as a little family but we are overwhelmed with gratitude for Matt's family for taking us in. I have been looking at apartments but it looks like Matt is headed for more surgery. We found out yesterday that among other things, he has gallstones and needs his gallbladder removed. His liver is not doing well and the doctor's are hoping that removing his gallbladder will help his liver recover. I sometimes wonder if fixing the hydrocephalus was worth it but he says he would do it all again. I would too no matter how hard this has been because he's a happier guy despite all of the problems he's been having. Things seem to be easier for him at work. His mood has improved and his stress has lessened. He told me the other day how nice it was to have a clear mind to do his work. How nice it was not to be overwhelmed all of the time and this is a new thing that resulted from the shunt. We still seem to be facing hurdle after hurdle but we aren't alone. Things are slowly coming into place and settling down and although it's not the "happily ever after" that I had pictured, we are all together.