Saturday, March 28, 2009
Today is a good day. I found out last night (by reading Stephenie Meyer's blog: The author of the Twilight series) that she is indeed going to finish Midnight Sun which is Twilight from Edwards point of view! It is her next project even though she had initially said because it was leaked on the internet it was postponed indefinately. She also had a link to the first part of the manuscript and so I have been reading non-stop since last night. I must say I am in a better mood today because of it!
Friday, March 27, 2009
What a wonderful visual of how I am feeling right now. There is no rhym or reason, there is no explanation...I am just confused, mixed up and blue. I am tired of being tired. It is hard for me to accept that most days I won't feel well. I am tired of trying fun things with my kids on the days that I do feel well only to have them tell me it's no fun and they want to go home. I am tired of imagining another child in our home but being afraid to concieve again for fear of miscarriage. I know I have it easy in that part and that I shouldn't worry but it haunts me some days. I am tired of worrying about whether or not I am a good friend. I am tired of scheduling my life around others feelings and leaving mine on the back burner to simmer into smoke. I am just so tired of being so tired.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
We started out on the 19th for Utah. We were very happy to be flying (thanks to Grandpa Garff who paid for tickets). The kids thought the shuttle from the far east overflow parking lot was awesome. I was just very thankful that there was a shuttle. We were loaded down with 5 bags, a double stroller and a car seat. There is no way we could have walked. Once we got on the airplane, the kids were so great. I was so proud of them. We got to Grandpa's house and set ourselves up in the trailor to sleep. It was really great to sleep in there because we had our own space and the kids felt like we were camping!
Once we were there, we were so eager to see our friends. We spent quite a lot of time with Aunt Mandy because she is getting divorced and we miss her soooo much! We were able to meet a friend of hers that has 3 little boys of his own. The kids all played very well together and he and Matt hit it off too! We went to the zoo together and had a wonderful time!
I wasn't planning on going to Blockbuster for the release party of Twilight but we were headed home from Mandy's place and I couldn't help but stop by. So Matt and the sleeping kids stayed in the car and I went into Blockbuster at midnight to get my copy of Twilight! My awesome husband bought me an itouch for an early birthday present and I was able to upload the movie. Now I can watch Twilight wherever I go!
The main reason for our trip was Torrie's baptism. She has been talking about it and waiting for it for the longest time! She insisted that Matt be the one to baptize her because he baptized all of her brothers and sisters. So Kevin and Christy paid for Matt to fly and we off we went. It was an incredible baptism. Sometimes I wonder if the kids really get it but not with Torrie. She was so full of the spirit and so happy. The bishop bore his testimony and said that people in the room as well as people on the other side of the veil were celebrating. The spirit was so strong. When Christy got up to give her talk she thanked Matt and I for being the one's to take Torrie to church and help her get so excited. I was flattered. We love Torrie so much and loved taking her to church with us when we lived in Utah. When we left my last words to Christy were "you take Torrie to church for us!" It was an awesome experience.
We were able to spend a day in Plain City with my family which was nice. It was good to be reunited after a very unpleasant goodbye. It was nice to have feelings changed and contention gone. When we left we thought it was the last time we would see a lot of our family so it was good to be together again. My dad has done a lot of changing in the last 6 months and I am very proud of him. It was nice to see these changes for myself. When I was leaving he hugged me and didn't want to let go. That was nice. We had a good time together and Matt and my dad had a good time talking to. I think what happened when we left was a turning point in their relationship and it seems as though it will be a good one from now on.
We spent Monday night with Matt's family and a few friends. It was a very good time. Matt got to see all but one of his brothers and we got to meet our new nephew! Claire also got to spend some time with a good friend Danielle that we met on Tooele Mommies. They have been so excited to see each other!
On our last day there we had time to kill before going to the airport. We went and visited Aunt Mandy at the bowling ally where she works. We had a great time. We haven't been bowling since Claire's 3rd birthday!
It was a great trip. We also got to see the Warner family. I used to babysit their kids and we were so excited to see them! Carter had just gotten out of the hospital but he was still excited to see us! We did not have time to see some of our other really good friends and so a second trip needs to happen soon!
Well, we just got home from a 6 day trip to Utah and we had a great time. I will be posting the pictures of all of our fun very shortly. There definately was not enough time to see everyone that we wanted to see so we will have to go back. I was so glad to come home to the warmth however because it snowed in UT while we were there. It definately made AZ feel more like home and for that I was grateful.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Well, we made it to Tooele yesterday without any major incident but I must say that traveling with kids is very hard! They were so great, I must say that I was very suprised! I sat in the plane with Nora on my lap and right after take-off she fell asleep and slept the whole way. Claire and Ivan sat in a row with Matt behind me and they were so well behaved. I tell you what, if sacrament meeting took place in a plane we would have no problems! We are staying at Matt's Dad's house and we are sleeping in the trailor. It is great to have our own little place. The kids were excited because it is just like camping only better! We have been so busy visiting everyone that we left behind and it only looks like it's going to get busier but we are having a good time.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I'm not sure what it is about today but our kids have had some clever things come out of their mouths. Ivan has been the funniest. Here are some of the things he has said today:
I was getting dinner on the table. Everyone was seated around and it was just about time to pray when Ivan shouts out, "I got an idea Mom, let's split up and look for clues!" (Scooby Doo is his new favorite show)
Our neighbor gave us a great idea for a word box. You make a box that all the naughty or mean words go in during the day and at the end of the day you empty the box into the garbage. poof there go the naughty words. Well, we were sitting at the dinner table and Ivan says "I hate you Dad!" This is his new favorite thing to say. Matt says, "You love me." I say, "we have to put that word in our box." Ivan pipes up and says "Well then I hate the box!"
And best of all was yesterday when I was at the store. I called home to talk to Matt for a minute and Ivan wanted to talk to me. He got on the phone and said, "I'm here with my Daddy and he's ugly. Will you get me a baseball and a baseball bat?" I was floored. He is trouble that's for sure.
Friday, March 13, 2009
This last week we had a friend of mine from Elementary School visit, her name is Stephanie. We had such a blast. She and I were completely silly the entire time but it was so much fun. She was a huge help with the kids too. When she left yesterday Claire started to cry and said "I don't want her to leave, she's awesome." We all agree. I will post the pictures of our week soon.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
We are getting ready for our trip to Utah and I am nervous about the cold weather! My older kids don't even have long pants! I guess I will be making a trip to the DI for some winter clothes (if they even have them). For now we are going to enjoy the warm weather here!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Today it was back to babysitting for me. It has been good because it has gotten my mind off of what has happened but this afternoon has been slow and I am a little blue. I am not worrying about trying to conceive again because with the last miscarriage we got pregnant the next month. I just wish that we didn't have to wait for a little bit. I go back and forth with being okay about all of this when the truth is it just sucks. I miss knowing that there was a little someone forming inside of me. I miss knowing that there was someone else ready to join our family. It makes me sad. Hopefully before too long there will be another little someone forming inside of me. Even though I was very early on with both of my miscarriages it is still a loss and you still mourn for those babies that would have been. I can't imagine what others who lose their children later on in pregnancy must go through
Saturday, March 7, 2009
We got home from Mercy Gilbert Hospital at about 7:30am yesterday, just in time for Matt to go to work. I was so tired and confused. The PA that saw me told us that I was never pregnant and that it was just two false positives with the home pregnancy tests. The actual Dr. that I saw said that he thought I was pregnant at some time but he didn't know when. All I knew was that I was way tired and sad. Nora went down for a nap and I went to sleep on the couch. The kids of course ran a muck in the house. I woke up at noon and I was bleeding incredibly bad and dizzy. I was told to follow up with my OB and so I called them. They told me that I needed to go back to the hospital immediately but to a different hospital. So my neighbor took my kids and Matt left work and we met at Banner Gateway Hospital where my OB has privileges.
We arrived at the hospital at 1:30pm and didn't leave until 8:30pm. They had to clean me out, give me fluids and figure out what in the heck had happened. After 7 hours in the ER they got hold of the OB on call for my doctor and he said that there was no question that I was miscarrying and that because it was so early on my hormone levels were no longer elevated. They had probably been going down for several days which would explain the cramping that began about 4 days ago. I was just glad to hear that I wasn't crazy and that the home pregnancy tests were right and that everything was okay. This is my second miscarriage and so it's not as hard as the last one. We are still disappointed but we will try again soon.
Friday, March 6, 2009
well, baby number four was apparently not ready to join our family. last night I started spotting. I called the doctor and he said if it continued to go to the ER. At 4am this morning I woke up with a lot of bleeding and cramping. We went to the hospital and the baby is gone. I was so early on that there was nothing really to see in my uterus. This isn't the first time I have miscarried and so it's not quite as big of a shock but it still sucks a lot. The kids are disappointed but that's life. I'm just mad tha my husband couldn't take the day off.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Not sure why today is a blah day but it is. It's probably because I am tired and the weather is gray and cloudy. Speaking of gray, Grey's anatomy is a re-run and that makes me sad too. I am looking forward to a visit from a friend of mine from elementary school. She comes on Sunday. It's always nice to have visitors so that we don't feel so alone out here. I've been wanting Matt to stay home from work so badly. Of course he can't but I just want him around. I'm sure he doesn't want to be around because I have been such a grump. It just feels like the days are getting longer and longer!!! We'll just have to do something extra fun today.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
So I have been cramping today and I have been worried about it. This is funny because I do this with every pregnancy and I still freak out because I miscarried the first baby we conceived. I have been doing tons of reading online and it says that the kind of cramping I am having is normal when the baby is implanting and I am right at the 5 week mark when that would be happening. So I am more at ease. I need to find an OBGYN so that I can get in at my 8 week mark. I just wish I could have my first OB Dr.Bryner, he was so awesome. At least I will sleep easy tonight.
This picture says it all...I am armed with hormones and ready to strike. I don't remember being this bad with the last two. I was horrible with Claire, I was so mean to everyone. I was probably that way with the others too (If you say anything be careful, I'll find you!). Today I got mad at my kids for turning on the hose to get a drink. They got all wet but it's in the 80's here! What the heck???? Is it just that I am tired of the laundry or that I am tired of having them get into things instead of just quietly playing??? I also got mad at my husband because the doctors office was making him wait so long, I smacked the cat for pawing on my stomach and screamed at my kids last night for asking for lemonade when I didn't feel good. I don't know what my problem is, I just feel like ripping something apart! I'm mother of the year, let me tell you. I have been cramping too and I hate that. I do that with every pregnancy but I am always scared that I will miscarry. We will just have to wait and see.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Oh my gosh, today is such a sucky day! I have been more hormonal with this baby than I was with the last two and I hate it. I was watching the bachelor last night and I got so mad that I was swearing at the TV and then just wanted to cry. Give me a break! Today I was listening to some music and I just started thinking of my friend Mandy at home and all I can do is cry. I am going home to visit and I almost don't want to. I am so afraid of having to come back here. I like it here but we were so happy in Tooele. I love all of my friends and can't wait to see them but it's going to be so hard to say goodbye again, especially to Mandy (no offense to anyone else, it will be hard for everyone). Mandy and I have been through so much and I just miss having her show up at my door with Arby's sandwiches. I miss staying up late with her and laughing at things that everyone else thinks are stupid. I miss that she is the one person that knows how dorky I am but loves me for it anyway. I just miss everyone and especially her. I am making friends here and I know in the end I will feel like that about them but Mandy and I were a team for 4 years through such good times and such bad times. I wish I could rewind things and just stay in Tooele. I know we're supposed to be here and I have met some of the most incredible people but my heart breaks for home.