Thursday, November 29, 2012


So the last week has been so long and extremely difficult.  I kicked off the Thanksgiving holiday by breaking my foot the night before!  I forgot how to walk off a curb and fell instead, rolling my foot which allowed the tendon and ligament to pull the bone out of place and then fell right on it to solidify the injury!  I freaked out!  I wasn't at home and so I limped into my car and drove home with my left foot.  I got home and called Matt from the car and sobbing I told him to come out to the car because we needed to go to the hospital.  We could see the bone poking out of place and I knew it was bad.  It's a displacement fracture which means that the bone may or may not move back into place.  I will be in a boot for about 6 weeks and it hurts.  Thank goodness for lortab.  We still had a great Thanksgiving.  We spent it with our housemates family and we had a good time. 
I have been missing AZ a lot lately.  I miss the group of friends that I have there.  I just don't have that here.  I used to but most of my friends have either moved or their lives have taken on much more responsibility as mine has.  I used to have my person but things just aren't like they used to be and I don't think I will find that kind of friendship again.  I have been nurturing a new friendship but I've decided that I'm just needy.  You only find that one friend outside of your spouse that is "your person" and once you've  had that it's hard to settle for anything else.
I've been spending a lot of time with my two youngest and I love it!  Naomi is getting so big and Nora is loving being home schooled.  I just need to delve myself into my kids and put everything else on the back burner for now.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

A Healthier and Happier Existence

Another weekend has passed and even though it was crazy and loud and the house is a mess, it was a good weekend. Our friends E and K got a taste of what it's gong to be like in this house for the next 5 months while its cold and snowy outside. The kids were definitely cooped up and it was loud and rowdy. One of the best things about this house is the huge backyard and the amazing jungle gym and playhouse. My incredible father in law knew that if he built it the grandchildren would come and it worked. I am so grateful to him for giving us a home to live in. Now that it is snowy we can't just send the kids outside and the house feels like it got 2 x smaller. It will be an interesting winter to say the least. I am going to start planning activities for the kids now so that Christmas break doesn't drive us all crazy! School has been good for most of the kids. Claire and Ivan both love their teachers. Nora is having a very hard time with kindergarten and we are strongly considering taking her out and homeschooling her this year. She has been the one to take Matt's stroke the hardest. She doesn't want to be away from home and its really been hard on her. I've sought out advice from different sources and its kind of split opinions. Some say keep trying and some say take her out. Ultimately I feel deep down that we should take her out and let her do her kindergarten year online at home. Our family is finally getting back to stable. We are moving out of crisis mode and she wants to go back to spending her days at home with me. Tomorrow I am going to go to the school and see what we need to do to take her out.
This weekend I was able to spend some time alone with my beautiful Claire Bear. She will be turning 9 next month! She is turning into a young woman so quickly! She went with me to Walmart on Friday and we had a good time. She helped me pick out a case for my new phone and then we hit the toy isle and the makeup isle! Afterward we went to Rue 21 to get her a bracelet that I saw several weeks ago. Her favorite song is "Call Me Maybe" and Rue 21 had a bright pink bracelet that had those words on it. She was in heaven. That night after we came home the two of us watched "Breaking Dawn" together. She was so cute. She is such a beautiful girl.
Ivan was able to go to the dollar store with Matt and picked out a couple of toys. It has become super important for Ivan to get some boy time with daddy. He is a good boy. He is so social, he's always running the neighborhood and he comes home with new friends in tow.
I am so thankful for what we have. I am thankful for this home. I have been spending time trying to fix it up a little so that my father-in-law will see how much we value what he has given us. I am thankful for E and K and their son for becoming such a wonderful part of our family. I am thankful for good friends and good times that have helped us begin to move past this horrible year and into a healthier and happier existence.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Organizing Our House And Family

Tonight I was able to take Claire Bear to the store with me for some one on one time with mom. We really had such a good time. I'm such a sucker and so she came home with a baby doll and a bracelet that says "call me maybe"
We went to Walmart and Rue 21. She was like a kid in a candy store. Claire is like her mamma, she loves bling.
I haven't had one on one time with each of my kids in a while. Naomi is the only one I get to be alone with lately. The kids are constantly on the run. As soon as they are home from school they are off to play with friends. I love our neighborhood. I love my neighbors! We have plenty of boys. In the neighborhood for Ivan to play with and he is in heaven! Naomi is old enough now to understand that Ivan is going somewhere fun and always asks to go with him. Today she was home playing with Nora and her friend. They were playing school and it was so fun
to listen to them. I just can't believe how grown up they have gotten. Over the last 6 months while we were dealing with strokes and rehab and therapy my babies grew up. It is so nice to be at home more often doing everyday things. I love that there is no news to report. It's so nice to just work on organizing our house and family.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Outside Of The World Of Trauma

Today was a very long day!  Wednesdays are very hard days for this Momma.  The kids get out of school early and it makes for a long afternoon.  Don't get me wrong, I love having time with them but I'm not sure they enjoy the time at home.  My kids are about the most social people I have ever met (not sure where that learned!  Even my two year old Naomi has started asking "I go to the next door neighbors??"  I am so sad that I have to say no but my amazing neighbors already happily entertain my older kids all of the time.  We are so blessed to have the neighbors we do.  There is almost always someone for the kids to play with and I love that!  Claire had made a new friend and they are constantly asking to play together and I love that too.  Her little friend lives about a mile away and so I find myself often driving her to pick up M and they play so well.  They have made Claire's room their apartment and I even found some old keys for her to use as her house keys :)
It is so funny to hear them play because I used to be just like that.  Claire is in such a hurry to grow up and it blows me away. I can't believe how grown up she has become.  For as much work as it is to load kids into the car and go pick up Claire's friends, I love that they play here so I can get to know them.  I like being the cool mom who does fun things with my daughter and her friends.  I like this so much because usually I am the disciplinarian  and the fun is left to Matt.  Ivan is constantly running the neighborhood with the group of boys that live here.  He did not have that in Arizona.  He is used to being with girls all of the time.  Poor kid is drowning in estrogen.  Now that life is slowing down for us I am discovering the back lash of not feeling well for 6 months.  The house is now closing in on me.  I am in a hurry to get organized before it drives me insane.  We are two families in one house and we are basically becoming one family.  It is working remarkably well.  I am thankful for the help that E and K give us daily.  I hope that we are giving them the same amount of help with their little K.  He has blossomed here with the other kids.  I have seen him smile so much since they came to live here and I love it!  I am so relieved that things have slowed down for our family.  It is nice to focus on the house and the kids without interrupting our days with several doctor appointments and therapy and trips to the emergency room.  I probably shouldn't say anything for fear of jinxing it, lol.  At any rate I am happy to be settling and focusing on taking care of our family outside of the world of trauma!

Monday, November 5, 2012

I See

Today I am so grateful for the love that I have in my life.  I am so thankful for the people who accept me, support me and stand by me.  I am so thankful for the irrevocable love that I have from an amazing husband.  I spent a couple of hours in court with a friend today and as I watched case after case I wondered why we as a human race end up in these types of situations.  Why is there hate where the once was love.  Why do people who once dreamed of sharing a life together and couldn't imagine being apart end up searching for ways to hurt each other?  There is no judgement here, don't misunderstand my questions for criticism.  I was just taken aback by the resentment these people had.  I am grateful that Matt and I were able to take our problems to counseling and that we are happy today because of that decision.  I am not foolish enough to think that we won't have to work at happiness for the rest of eternity, Marriage is work and anyone who tells you differently is either delusional or a liar.  Matts stroke was so hard on us.  It has tested our little family in ways I never thought possible but I see the Lords hand in our lives.  I see where there is strength where there once was weakness.  I see where he has bonded our family together with love and hardship and endurance.  I am so thankful for my husband and my incredibly crazy children!
The kids seem to be doing better in a lot of ways and we have only had a few setbacks.  I think the more time we have together as a normal functioning family the better.  I know we could benefit exponentially from counseling but I am not sure that it is going to happen.  There are so many financial limitations that make it nearly impossible.  I do think that time is healing us though.  The kids have been showing signs of recovery that I thought would never come.  Nora is finally settling into school and we no longer drag her crying to kindergarten anymore.  I think she is finding a safe place in this world again.  She is seeing that Dad is doing better and that Mom is not going to disappear again.  Ivan and Claire are doing well in school.  They are difficult as ever but I just keep reminding myself that it will be a great thing when they are older.  If they keep up the attitudes that they display here at home they will go far in this impossible world.  I am so grateful that our little family seems to be back on track.  Please Lord no more strokes. I pray that Matt will continue to get better and better.  According to every doctor that we have seen Matt should not be doing as well as he is.  According to the doctors he should not even be back to work until a year from now.  He should still need therapy and recovery time at home but he is blowing those statistics out of the water.  He is full functioning and aside from a few symptoms here and there he is progressing at an incredible rate.  He is back to full time work and started that in August, only 5 months after a massive hemorrhage and debilitating stroke.  I am so proud of him!  I am so blessed to still have him.  I am so grateful to the Lord for leaving him here with us.  I don't know what we would have done without him.  We would not have come back from his death.  He is meant for great things here on earth.  I hope that I can compliment his goodness with even a minuscule amount of grace.  We are a long way from recovered but we have started that journey and I am so thankful for that!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Our Way Back to Happy

What a week.  I have been switching medications for Fibromyalgia due to the stupidity of our insurance company and it has made me so sick.  I have been on Lyrica for quite a while now and it was really working but my co-pay is nearly 150$ a month.  My doctor was giving me samples until recently when they ran out.  It is not something that you should stop suddenly and so I have been a mess.  I am sad that I had to switch to a different medication because the Lyrica combined with ibuprofen was beginning to turn me back into a functioning person.  I found out that I do qualify to get the medication direct from the manufacturer at no cost and I was so excited.  My doctor has to sign a form and I mail it in and they will send the medication to the doctors office free of charge.  I am so excited to go see the doctor and get that taken care of because this new medication is not helping very much at all.  This is such a cruel disease.  Most of the time I can work my way around it but it has taken so much away from me.  Just the other day it snowed for the first time this year and Nora asked if I would please come outside and make a snowman with her.  I was hurting so badly and experiencing withdrawal from stopping the Lyrica and I had to tell her that I couldn't.  I wanted to cry.  She was so upset and I know that her little 5 year old mind just cannot comprehend why I wouldn't want to jump at the opportunity.  I just told her that Mommy doesn't feel good but I know that she and the other children are tired of that answer.  I just want to be able to run and play with my kiddos.  Lyrica gave me some hope that I will be able to do that again and soon so I am going to do everything in my power to get back on that medication.  This afternoon was busy as usual.  Claire and Ivan show up everyday at 3:40pm and the house goes from quiet to chaos, lol.  They are always full of excitement and stories about their day at school and I love it even if it is overwhelming sometimes.  Claire has started playing with one of her classmates and for two days in a row now they have had a play date and it's fun to see that.  We are getting back into the "normal" life scene.  We are dealing with things like laundry and chores and play dates and family and I love it.  I love that we are not moving from one crisis to another right now.  I am hesitant to get too comfortable because that is usually when things go wrong but I refuse to be scared of life anymore.  I will admit I have been afraid to rebuild.  I have been hesitant to start a new chapter in our lives, one that is free of chaos and instability.  A life where strokes are not allowed because they rob us of too much.  No more taking.  I am building what I see as a productive and healthy life for my family and I am going to do my best to make sure it stays that way.  We were supposed to start family counseling this last week but both the car and the gas tank in the van were empty and therapy is 30 minutes from home and so we had to cancel our appointment.  I was frustrated because this was the second cancelled appointment for us and I am starting to feel like every time we take a step forward we take 2 backwards.  We are having more good days than bad however and the kids seem to be falling back into a happy and healthy lifestyle.  Matt is feeling good and I am so thankful for that.  He is so strong and I am proud of him.  I wish that I could have been stronger through everything but the fact that I am still standing tells me that I am stronger than I give myself credit for.  I am so thankful that we are finding our way back to happy, it's been far too long.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Nora is in the newspaper!!

Trick or Treat Street: Downtown Tooele seen crawling with ghosts, fairie and pirates on Halloween