Sunday, May 31, 2009

How Do We Keep Going?

Today has not been such a good day for our little family. We all got way too much sun yesterday and were sick today. We ended up staying home from church and by tonight Matt was a mess. I slept most of the day due to the lack of water from yesterday and by the time I got out of bed at 4:30pm I was very anxious about who knows what. Matt is convinced that he is going to lose his job. He is completely depressed and I don't know what to do or how to keep going. He was doing so much better after we went to the temple last week and so I think we need to go again this week. I just don't have enough faith for the both of us. I know we were supposed to be here and I am okay with it. I am sad and miss home but I know we are not supposed to go back, at least not now. Matt is thinking that we are going to have to move again. He has talked about Texas...I don't want to go to Texas. I won't go to Texas. If we aren't happy where we are, what is to say we will be happy somewhere else. I wish that we could just live day to day and deal with what is happening in that day, rather than trying to deal with the rest of our lives all in one day. That is what Matt is doing everyday and how could that not depress you? I don't know what to do to make things okay. We are having a hard enough time without him falling off the deep end. I am the one that falls apart, not him. I don't know what to do when he is falling apart. Maybe that is part of the reason we are going through what we are, so that I can learn what it's like for the person trying to hold things together. I just want to know how we are supposed to keep going through all of this. I know the answer is FAITH but I don't know if I have enough for all of us.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Fun yet Productive Day!

Today was our big yard sale. I must say it would have been a bust without Craig's List. It was slow to start but people came. We were able to meet our neighbors who generously bought a book shelf, a weed whacker and some movies from us. I took my laptop outside and started posting things on Craig's List and I was getting responses within minutes. I managed to sell a Freezer, a travel crib, and elyptical machine all online. Everything was picked up today except the elyptical which has special arrangements. We made a good amount of money to pay down debt. We still have a lot of stuff left and so we are going to have another garage sale next Saturday but start earlier and this time I will put on sunscreen, I got fried. The thing that I thought was amazing is, we had literally no traffic first thing this morning for the yard sale. I had gone to so much work in 3 days to pull this thing together and I was exhausted. My friend and I were sitting outside, she was listening to music and I was praying quietly and discreetly in my head for the Lord to send people our way. We are trying to do what the prophet has advised and get out of debt and so I figured it was an okay thing to pray for. I finished praying and within minutes we had 2 people stop and although it was very hot outside we had slow but steady customers from then on. Our friend Brian asked if I really thought God would listen to a prayer about a yard sale when there was bigger things going on in the world. He said God can be most everywhere but not everywhere all the time. I know he was kidding but I know that God heard my prayer. We are in what feels like a very desperate situation and we are striving so hard to follow the counsel of the Lord and the Prophet. I believe as long as we continue to do this the Lord will answer our prayers, even if they are just about yard sales.




On a lighter note tonight we were able to go to a fun place called Dave & Buster's to reward ourselves for all the hard work we did. I had no idea it existed. Our friend Brian is in town and staying with us a couple of days and he told us about it. It is basically like a Chuck-E-Cheese for adults (without the stuffed mouse running around). It was so much fun! Matt and I never go places like that but our babysitter owed us some hours so we went. I kicked butt at "The Tower of Power." We have had such a great time this weekend. It is so nice to have friends come to visit. It's always hard to see them go but we know we are where we are supposed to be and that makes it a little bit easier. I hope next weekend will be just as successful.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Anxious

This morning has already been a busy one. I have been getting ready for our yard sale tomorrow and for some reason it has made me very anxious. I think it's because I don't like getting rid of things. I have always been that way, a pack-rat. My biggest problem is that I look at things and think "what if we need that someday?" That is rediculous. I mean yeah there are going to be some things that you should hold on to for the future but the things that I have are things that are old and probably wouldn't serve our purpose anyway. I am also overwhelmed because there is so much to do and I have to do it alone because Matt is working. There are so many boxes to go through and so many pieces of furniture to be moved and I just don't have it in me. The yard sale is supposed to start at 8am tomorrow and we don't have half of the things out that neeed to be out. Nothing is priced and I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I think we need to leave the house for a little while and then try again later.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

No News is in Fact, Good News

So I have been watching the news tonight and I have decided that no news is good news. By this I mean, people just shouldn't watch the news. It's so depressing. Tonight it was all about Mike Tysons daughter's death, the death of an Arizona politicians wife during child birth and his newborn son 3 days later. Seriously, let's have a little good news people. I swear the only non-depressing thing is sports and that's just plain boring. It's all about the price of gas and struggling economy. I don't need to watch the news to know that. In fact our little family has been hit so hard by the economy that we are having a yard sale this weekend and selling a ton of our things. We are not only selling things that we don't use but things that we love and would love to keep but we know that it is important to get out of debt and simplify. It's really sad when you start going through your stuff and realizing that you have wasted so much money. We have piles of DVD's that we bought that are now being sold. I am proud of my husband, he is getting rid of a TON of DVD's that he loves but they are rated R and he wants to be better about that. It almost hurts to watch him get rid of them. It's amazing what you can live without when you are trying to live the precepts of the gospel. I hope that it goes well because we could really use the money to pay off debt and get back on track.

Working with Kids


Trying to work with kids in the house is absolutely frustrating. I was trying to put in a Scentsy order and it just wasn't working because I had Ivan on one arm begging for Lemonade and Nora on my lap screaming for my cell phone. Needless to say the order finally got entered and I am so excited for my hostess who received $20in free product and 1 half off item! Amelia, you are so awesome! I love working Scentsy, it is so fun. In other things, I have decided that we are going to try to put Claire in full day kindergarten. I was opposed to the idea because she is so young and I am not used to her being gone all day but I have definitely decided (now that preschool is over and she is home all the time) that full day kindergarten would be in both our best interest. Now, let's just hope they still have spots open!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Would You Like Flies With That?

Here in Pinal County (we don't actually live in a city because we are so far from civilization) we have what one would call a little bit of a fly problem. I had heard from a neighbor that it got bad as summer started but I had no comprehension of what "bad" really was until recently. We had a doggy door installed in the sliding glass door and the flies found this. One of them must have told all of their little fly friends and we ended up with two colonies of flies in our house. One colony resided in the kitchen window. I thought I was being sneaky when I hung a fly strip but due to natural selection the dumb ones got caught and the smart ones multiplied until it looked like this:



I wish you could have experienced the "live" version of this group of flies. It was a constant hum from behind the blinds. I finally decided that the fly strip just wasnt going to cut it and so I went to work tonight with a can of RAID and within seconds they were all dead. I never thought something like that could be so satisfying but it was. I now have literally hundreds of flies to vacuum up in the morning. Needless to say I un-installed the doggy door. I am told in a few weeks when the temperature hits 110 or so it will be too hot for flies and we won't have to worry about it anymore. I figure when it hits 110 the kids and I will melt and then we won't have to worry about much at all!

Isn't it Ironic???

Today I received 2 baby magazines in the mail...I had signed up for these when I was pregnant the first time and totally forgot about them. The ironic thing is I had just discussed this with someone on my message board. This had happened to her the other day and I didn't even think about it. I had forgotten I had signed up for them. I am passing them on to a friend who is pregnant. It was a surreal moment when I opened the mailbox. I thought perhaps it was my other magazine and I was so excited...and there they were on top of the Ensign. Happy smiling babies and mine are gone. I know mine are happy and smiling however. It was so weird to go from excited to numb in 2 seconds. I thought about saving them until I am pregnant again but I feel like that would jinx it a bit. I recovered by taking a nap with Ivan. When we woke up I decided it was time to bake. Today I tried bagels and although they turned out a little weird looking they are yummy! I will never take another bagel for granted, they are not easy to make. If someone would have told me that at 29 my therapy for losing children would be baking I would have thought they were crazy. I love baking now. I am excited to try new things. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and my kids love to reap the rewards. I swear I am going to gain so much more weight because of all of the baking but at least I'm not crying!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Frogs are so Predictable



I think it is so funny that every time I have picked up a frog or toad in this case(and I have picked up a lot of them surprisingly) it has peed on me. At least this time I was smart enough to hold it up toward the head so the pee didn't actually get on me. I went out to clean our pool which had only about an inch of water in it and had turned green in the three days we hadn't used it. As soon as I started letting out water we found a little friend. The kids wanted to keep it. I thought about it for about 2 seconds and then let it go in the kiddie pool! I'm learning!!!

Memorial Day Weekend

Matt and the kids and I had a fairly uneventful but happy memorial day weekend. Our families were all getting together in Utah and so we had a hard time not being there. The important thing is that our little family was together. It was so nice for Matt to have a day off of work. We just don't see him enough. It feels like he is always at work but I guess that's what it takes to support a family of our size. On Friday I watched National Lampoon's Vacation by myself because Matt was so wiped out from work. On Saturday Matt and I finally made it to the temple after series of very frustrating events. On Sunday all of our energy was devoted to getting to church and surviving the three hour block with no casualties. Monday was a good day. Matt was so great to take the kids so that I could sleep in. He always does this and while I feel guilty that he doesn't get the sleep I just can't bring myself to get up. After the kids dragged me out of bed I tried my hand at homemade cinnamon rolls. They turned out awesome! I have never considered myself a great cook but now that I have more time on my hands here in Arizona I have begun to like baking. Great for the taste buds, bad for the size of my butt! We spent the rest of the afternoon watching "Deadliest Catch" and napping. It was so great.
Around 4pm we headed to the pool but it was closed early for the holiday. Luckily there are tons of splash pads in Arizona so the kids weren't too disappointed. We came home and had homemade fried chicken and hit the sack! It was a good weekend.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Sad to See it Go...

This has been a good weekend and so I am sad to see it go. Matt has been worried but at least we have been together. He has been so busy with work that we hardly talk during the day and then when he gets home at night he is so tired that he goes straight to sleep after we get the kids tucked in. It was nice to have a day with him at the temple and a day with him today. I am so happy that he is my husband. Sometimes it just hits you that you are married and have kids and you wonder "how did this happen? I didn't think I was smart enough to do all this." I do not look forward to another week but at least it is a shorter one that usual.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I Love the Temple!


Matt and I went to the Mesa, AZ temple today. It was such a needed trip. We have been struggling and praying and fasting for a miracle and I specifically have been struggling with "why" we had to come to Arizona. Since we have come here, things have gotten a lot harder for us. We figured it would be the opposite. When we were preparing for this move, it seemed that financially it would be a good opportunity and we would be a little bit better off than we were. We figured that Matt's work environment would be better and that life in general would improve for us. We had been told by the Lord, through the influence of the Holy Ghost that this was a move that we were supposed to make. We did not know why but we figured that when we got down here we would get our answer. Well, here we are and 8 months later, two miscarriages later, more debt later, I still didn't have an answer and I was beginning to doubt our decision to move down here. I have prayed every night and asked the Lord to reveal to me what my purpose was here but I had gained no insight. During these hard times Matt and I have both had blessings that have reminded us of the importance of attending the temple. So we set out today to go to the temple. We drove half way there and Matt didn't have his recommend. We drove home to get it and then back to the temple. It would have been so easy to just say forget it because it is not a short drive but I knew that is exactly what the adversary would have us do so we were determined to go. After I was dressed and waiting in the Temple chapel for Matt, I opened to the Doctrine and Covenants. I couldn't remember where I had been reading so I just flipped it open and here is what I read:
Section 58:1-12

Hearken, O ye Elders of my church, and give ear to my word, and learn of me what I will concerning this land unto which I have sent you.
2 For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.
3 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.
4 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.
5 Remember this, which I tell you before, that you may lay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow.
6 Behold, verily I say into you, for this cause I have sent you-that you might be obedient, and that your hearts might be prepared to bear testimony of the things which are to come;
7 And also that you might be honored in laying the foundation, and in bearing record of the land upon which the Zion of God shall stand;
8 And also that a feast of fat things might be prepared for the poor; yea, a feast of fat things, of wine on the lees well refined, that the earth may know that the mouths of the prophets shall not fall;
9 Yea, a supper of the house of the Lord, well prepared, unto which all nations shall be invited.
10 First, the rich and the learned, the wise and the noble;
11 And after that cometh the day of my power; then shall the poor, the lame, and the blind, and the deaf, come in unto the marriage of the Lamb, and partake of the supper of the Lord, prepared for the great day to come.
12 Behold, I , the Lord, have spoken it.

I have never had scriptures spoken to me so bluntly. It was like the Lord saying
"DUH Aubrey, you are there because I sent you and that's all you need to know for now. I am preparing you for what is to come and you can't understand it yet so just be patient."

I feel like we are being tested and prepared for life. Maybe not something grand, maybe just whatever lies ahead but we are being prepared and the first test in all of this is to see if we would follow the desire of the Lord and pack up everything we own and move to somewhere we knew nothing about and have nothing and no one familiar to turn to. I frankly can't believe that we did what we did but it makes sense now. I will stop questioning why we came here because now I know that the reason we are here is because the Lord asked us to come. I know we are being humbled right now. We are being taught to simplify and be meek. I did not expect the answer to be so simple and that is exactly why I could not understand what the Lord was doing with us. I had prayed not long ago to know if the scriptures were really true, not necessarily because I doubted but because I had never asked. Well today I got that answer too. I am so grateful that we live 25 minutes from the Temple and can go more often. I am so thankful for a Father in Heaven that knows what he is doing with my life, especially because I haven't a clue.

Friday, May 22, 2009

9/11

I was taking a nap with Ivan today as I usually do (because I am a lazy bum) and Claire was playing on the computer as she usually does. She loves this site that has a bunch of girl games. You can dress dolls, color pictures, even dress pets. Well when I woke up she said "Mom I have to show you something on the computer." I was thinking oh crap, what happened! She showed me this little cartoon with a child talking to her father and telling him how much she missed him. He had died in 9/11.
She told him how they had his favorite dinner and she ate it all, even though she didn't like carrots. Claire understood that this little girls father was dead and said that the cartoon made her want to cry. I then had to explain to my 5 year old about the evils of this world. It was surreal to me that she didn't know about this. She is growing up too fast.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Faith

Man we are in the hardest spot right now. We are stuck between a rock, a hard place and what feels like a garbage compactor on top. There is just too much month and not enough money. What is more frustrating is that we are not buying ANY extra's. We are living off of our food storage that we bought at the beginning of the year to avoid the expense of groceries. We are not going to movies or dinner etc. We have even stopped renting movies from the redbox and that was only one dollar! The decision to come to AZ was not made on a whim. Matt and I fasted and prayed and then fasted and prayed again and the answer was clear. It was not easy by all means but it was clear. We were to leave Utah and come here. We miss home so much. We miss being so close to Matt's Dad and being able to go to him for advice whenever we needed. We have looked for every solution you could imagine and come up empty handed. This is where we have decided that Faith is the only thing that will get us through. Matt says that he has a feeling that things are going to be okay. I am so grateful that he has that feeling because I don't have the ability to feel much anymore. I will just have to lean on his faith for now until I can gain my own. Please God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change and the courage to change the things that we can.

Out of Sync

Today was all out of sync but it's nearly over so for that I am grateful. I have been extremely tired today (thank you Ivan!) but I think that is just motherhood for you. Tomorrow is Claire's last day of school and then our summer officially begins. I am not sure if I should be excited or terrified for a summer full of trying to entertain my children! There is a lot to do around here that involves water though and so I am not too scared. I just wish they would stop fighting. Claire's favorite thing to do lately is pick fights with everyone in the family. I am going to try to work this summer. Right now the plan is for me to work "Scentsy" and if that doesn't bring in enough extra income we will figure something else out. So far though I have had some good success with just online orders from people I don't even know! That's an easy paycheck, let me tell you! Well, I'm off to pack the kids in the car and drive 20 minutes just to get a perscription. oh...boy.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Discovery

When we lived in Tooele, I was a part of a message board called Tooele Mommies and it was a life-saver. Luckily there is a branch called the Phoenix Mommies as well! When I found out that we were going to move here I joined Phoenix Mommies to get some answers to some of the questions that I had about the areas in Arizona. Since we have been here I haven't been on the board very much and after today I am asking myself why I haven't been on here these past 8 months. Yesterday I got back on for the first time in 6 months. When I got on I saw that they had just started a grief support group for people who have lost children, miscarried or given birth to stillborn babies. I know many of you probably think that I need to get on with my life, everyone has miscarriages but I found a place where people understand exactly why I cannot just move on. I found a place where I can connect with others who have suffered the same loss that I have or even greater ones. I have discovered a place where I can grieve openly with others that understand and don't wonder why I just can't get over it. I am so thankful for Phoenixmommies.com and the ladies that visit daily.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Waiting

Well, this month is the first in three that I have not been pregnant and miscarried. It actually feels good not to be worrying about whether or not I am going to be losing a baby right now. Although I am still aching to bring another baby into this family, I know that with my emotional and mental health not being at it's best, the decision that we have made to wait is a good one. I cannot say for sure how long we will wait but I feel peace with that decision. Today was a good day with my kids. Although there were many frustrating moments, it all ended very well with over an hour of story time together! That never happens! We also made cookies and went to a friends house to let them jump on the tramp with the water. It's great to be having a good time with my kids that are here. I still need to learn more patience and I will ask the Lord for that daily.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Thank Goodness for Children

Today was a hard day as all Sunday's are. We have church from 2-5pm which throws off our entire schedule for the day. One would think that a schedule for a stay-at-home mom can't be THAT important but that someone would be dead wrong! Our kids do not enjoy sacrament meeting and so the first hour of church is nearly impossible. We do it though because we know that it is true and that it is what the Lord wants for our children. Today I was so proud of my kids. Matt and I ended up substituting one of the 3 Sunbeam classes that exist in our ward. Primary is held in the Chapel because it is sooo big! Ivan and Claire were on the other side of the chapel and both of them were participating and listening so well. I was especially proud of Ivan. His teachers have been telling us how reverent he is but we just kept thinking they must be making a mistake. Ivan is one of the most irreverent children I know! He was sitting with his arms folded and raised his hand without talkiing. He was so happy to be there and be participating and I just realized how big my little boy is. We must be doing something right because our kids are learning to love the Lord. Little Nora followed Matt down the isle in the chapel when he went to take Ivan to the bathroom. As I watched her walk back she had her little arms folded and was walking so reverently and diliberately. Matt and I were both speechless. It's funny that it takes my children to show me what reverence is and how to exercize it. I am so thankful for the strong and stubborn spirits that Heavenly Father has sent to us. I am so thankful for the lessons that they are learning and the people they are becoming inspite of us.

Am I Speaking English???


I swear I must not be speaking English when I talk with my children. All they must hear is "blah, blah, blah...go to your room." It's as if everything ricochets off of their foreheads and blasts off into space somewhere where it is lost forever. Matt and I are so frustrated with them right now that we end up screaming at them a lot. Nora seems to be the one and ONLY sane person in this household right now. She is the happiest little thing and for that I am so grateful. We need some sunshine in our lives right now. We are slowing spinning out of control and we are grasping at whatever we can to keep ourselves steady. The only constant thing in our lives right now is the Gospel and for that I am very grateful. If we just keep doing what the Lord has asked us to do I have to have faith that he will hold us up and keep us steady. It feels like we are walking in sand but I know that the Lord will be there walking right beside us and for every step back that we take he will pull us forward. That is not to say that this Faith comes easy. It is something that has never come easy for me. Handing my life over to the Lord and saying "I will go where you want me to go dear Lord" is something that I struggle with. I have had plans and truly thought those plans were the way that our lives would go. My plans were all wrong and now it is time to let the Lord take us where he will. We have made the first step by coming here to Arizona. Now the trick is to endure all things well so that when it comes time for the reason behind all of this to be revealed we will be worthy of the blessings and the responsibilities that the Lord has in store for us. The hardest part for me is the loneliness and the feeling that I am trying to walk with 100lb weights strapped to my body. I feel like I am swimming through Jello everyday. It all seems just a little bit hazy and desperate and I would give anything for that feeling to go away. I suppose going through the motions is never a good thing but if it's all you have left in you, it's better than not doing anything at all.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

This Better Be the Worst of It All...(Warning, very negative blog entry)


So this is my venting session. If you are looking for an uplifting post about how wonderful life is and how grateful we all are, you are in the wrong place. Perhaps later,in minutes,in hours,in days, who knows how long I will post about the many wonderful things that I have and how grateful I am for them. There are countless things but right now I am all about venting my frustrations and my anger. Here they are in no particular order:

1. I got a letter in the mail today stating that there are criminal charges pending against me in Tooele because of three library books that I checked out that were not returned. CRIMINAL CHARGES????!!! You have to be frickin' kidding me. In order to avoid the prosecution of these charges, I have to pay for the books and $30 for the attorney fee. We barely have enough money to eat! The thing that makes me the most angry is that the day that we were moving I found them. They weren't due for about a week and so I said to a friend of mine that we would just take them back to the book drop on our way out of Tooele for the final time. She insisted that she would do it for me. She just wanted us to get on the road because it was so late. I trusted her to take them back and after everything I did for her she failed to take them back so here I am the criminal. I know, I should have taken them back myself. It seems with this particular person I find myself saying "I shouldn't have trusted her a lot."

2. The second thing that I am so upset about is how things are going here in Arizona. Matt and I both seem to be losing our minds. We knew this would be hard but this has been the ultimate test of our faith yet. It seems to be one thing after another here. If it's not bills, it's homesickness or stress at Matt's job, or lack of money to pay for the food and diapers that we need. We just seem to be digging ourselves deeper into debt and I don't understand it because we are not buying anything extra! I haven't been shopping in months, I haven't bought anything that wasn't an ABSOLUTE necessity and I have been diligent about checking with my husband before making ANY purchase because I know that sometimes my "needs" are really "wants" in disguise.

3. The third thing that is bothering me is my backyard. Yup, my backyard. How utterly stupid is that? When we first moved in, it was nothing but dirt and mud when it rained. My mom came out to AZ when we first got into our house and helped me put in a beautiful backyard. Well about a month after that it began to rain and the weeds started coming up EVERYWHERE! I have tried to keep them under control with sprays and even getting down and pulling them myself but I just can't stay ahead. The grass is dying because we don't' have a sprinkler system or a drip system and we cannot afford one. I try to water it by hand but honestly it is the last thing that I think about during the day. There is so much garbage out there because of my kids and my neighbors kids that I am starting to wonder if I live at the town dump. Why don't I just go out and pick it up you ask? Well because there is this black cloud that resides above my head and haunts me every hour of the day. It hovers and haunts me, keeping me at an ever sluggish pace.

4. The fourth thing that is bothering me is that I am going to have to get a part-time job. Right now I am going to try to work "Scentsy" but in the meantime I have applied at a children's clothing store and I am terrified at returning to work. I haven't worked, I mean really worked steadily since I had Cushing's Disease (http://csrf.net/) and it terrifies me to have a job outside of the home. I had a panic attach just turning in the application.

5. The fifth thing that is bothering me is that my husband is struggling so much with the fact that his salary is not enough to support us. He is so down and so down on himself and I don't know what to do to help him. I don't' know that right words to say to let him know that I think that he is doing a wonderful job. I need him to know that he is everything to us, but nothing I say seems to make that better for him.

6. The thing I think that is bothering me the most is the pain that I have day in and day out. I wake up sore and I go to bed in extreme pain, both physical and emotional. The smallest tasks and I mean daily tasks are huge things for me. Mopping my kitchen floor seems and insurmountable task. I was promised at one time that if I would endure all of my afflictions, they would be for my good but I fear that I am failing at this one. I am not enduring this pain well. I am having a nervous breakdown and how is that for enduring it well? I just want to feel like a 29 year old and not a 90 year old. I just want to wake up and feel pumped for the day and be able to clean my house without being down in bed for two days afterward.

It just seems like we had it so good in Tooele. We know that the Lord has brought us to AZ for a reason. I know that it is my lack of faith and knowledge that is causing my doubt, fear and anger but sometimes you just have to feel down and that's okay as long as you can get yourself back up. It's just such hard work to get back up...

Friday, May 15, 2009

Not Happy at All (warning, do not read if you haven't watched the finale of Grey's Anatomy)

So I watched the 2 hour finale of Grey's Anatomy and although it was mind numbingly good, I was so mad that they left it with such a cliff-hanger! Will Izzy die, won't she? There is nothing anywhere to say whether or not she will. She has made the comment that she wants to stay on the show but the question is, will the axe her afterall. And I must say that I am very sad that George is leaving the show but what a way to go. When the "John Doe" spelled out 007 on Meredith's hand I couldn't help but scream "That's George!" Oh my gosh it was insane! I am not going to be able to wait until next season! They better leak a little information somewhere.

Whoaaa.

Breathe in and out, breathe in and out. I had excellent sleep last night and woke up without being tired. SOOOO great! Unfortunately Ivan does not seem to be feeling the same way. He is soooo hyper and soooo angry! It looks like it just might be a hard day. Thank goodness for good medication that helps to take the edge off. without it I would be "street rat crazy!"

Thursday, May 14, 2009

What a Bother

Today has been a better day and I attribute that to the near 20 hours of sleep that I have gotten in the past day and a half. It's insane what sleep depravation can do to a person. I have taken it very easy today. I have only cleaned a little bit, and only when I feel like it. I figure all I have to do is keep the front living room clean and the rest can go to hell!
There is something that has plagued me today and that is the above ground swimming pool that we have. So the question is this, above ground or built in, which is better? I love the above ground pool because I can empty it when needed and it does not hike up my water bill. The bad part about it is the damn holes! It seems like I am forever patching and never finding all of the holes. I know there are downfalls to a built in pool as well but at this point I would kill for one. We won't ever get one though because they cost more than our vehicles combined and that's just crazy talk.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Tired of Hiding

Today was a very hard day for our family. I had a complete meltdown and nearly ended up in the psychiatric hospital. The doctor said I should probably go there at least to get some rest but we opted for home instead. And so my medications were adjusted, some new ones were added and I came home and slept all day. I know it addeda lot of stress to Matt but it was completely out of my control. Why you ask amd I telling you this? Well, because I am tired of hiding behind a smile and being afraid of what people will think if I am not the stable person they thought I was. I am tired of people thinking there is something wrong with people who suffer from depression and anxiety. I am tired of being judged. My great friend Tami taught me a valuable lesson and that is to learn from this kind of thing and that is what I am trying to do. The sad thing for me is the lack of understanding from others. I hate that it puts such a burden on my husband but he is such a wonderful man to put up with my psychosis and love me anyway. I almost wish that we had opted for the hospital just so that I could get some immediate counseling but tomorrow I will start work on that. In the meantime it's hard not to feel like everyone is watching me like I am a freak show. I am tired of hiding the fact that I do not have it all together and that I am in fact a basket case.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Thank Heaven for Grandparents

Grandma and Poppa Bradford bought us shade! we are so excited that we are going to have a new canopy that we can enjoy this summer. It has been so frustrating without shade! The kids have had to go out in 20 minute incriments to run through sprinklers but it gets too hot to stay out any longer than that. This way we can put the canopy over the grass and they can run through the sprinklers in the shade! Thank you Grandma and Poppa!

FRUSTRATED!!!

I am so frustrated today. There are so many things that need to be done around my house and I just feel like I cannot do them all! My poor husband is completely burned out and so the last thing he wants to do when he gets home is work around the house. I am so frustrated because there are a few little things that need to be purchased for the house and we just don't have the money. We are scrimping by and my husband works his but off! Just once I would like to be able to go get him a present without him saying he doesn't need it. Or just once I would like to be able to go get something to fix up the house without worrying that we will go over in our checking account! Money SUCKS!!!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day

I have never really been a huge fan of Mother's Day, even when I was a kid. I know that sounds so negative but it's the truth. Today has been a bit of a hard day for us. Our kids aren't feeling all that well. Matt is pretty down and I just plain don't feel well. I was looking through some pictures today however and it made me so grateful that I am a mom and especially to the wonderful children I have.

Friday, May 8, 2009

A day at the Splash Pad!

Today was a very HOT day here in AZ! The wind so kindly ripped our canopy apart and so we have no shade. HOT + NO SHADE= VERY BORED CHILDREN! I had originally planned to take them to the library but of course it closes at 5pm on Friday. Makes perfect sense, I know. Well we ventured out anyway and I suprised my kids and some of my friends kids that I was watching with a trip to a local mall where there is a splash pad. My kids ran right in. My friends kids looked at me like I was crazy if I thought they were going in the water with their clothes on. Eventually they couldn't stand it any longer and in they went. All of the kids had a total blast. Nora spent the majority of the time pushing my stroller through the water. YAY! I was so glad that we could do something fun because they have been pretty bored lately. Here are the pictures of our adventure:

Thursday, May 7, 2009

mother's day song

video

we don't ever fight

video

Sugar Bug Song

video

Sweet Memory Made

Today I had an awesome opportunity. I was able to attend a Mother's Day luncheon that was put on by Claire's preschool teachers and all the kids. Very rarely do I get to spend time alone with Claire. Claire and I are a lot alike and we tend to fight like cat's and dog's a lot of the time. We have been through a lot together and today was a huge reminder to me of how much I love my little girl. I was so proud of her as she told me all about her friends at school and then sang with all of her classmates. She is such a special little girl. She is so smart and I am often very suprised at the things that come out of her mouth. She is so independent which I love and hate all at the same time. I was so grateful for this day because she and I have really been struggling lately. I couldn't help but be emotional when she sang her mother's day song. She is so beautiful. I love my little Claire Bear!<

Thank Goodness it's Thursday!

So the day has just begun and already it's panning out to be a hard one. Does any of this matter? NOOO, because tonight is Grey's Anatomy night and we are going to have treats and we are going to have FUN! The only way it could be better is if Grey's Anatomy was on Friday so I could have my husband home for the weekend. I have a hard time when he is gone. Things have been better though. I haven't felt like throwing myself under a bus lately and so I think perhaps my hormones are finally all leveled out and my new medication is taking effect. I am a crazy one but admit it, that's why a lot of you love me! I had a long talk with a friend back home yesterday and man I want to make another visit to Utah but the money is just not there. Hopefully by August there will be some sort of miracle and I can go. I am starting to think we should be playing the AZ lottery, it's up to like 20 million right now. Do you know how many groceries and diapers I could buy with 20 million dollars????

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Finally!


I have been waiting patiently for my hair to grow and finally I am seeing some results! I know that sounds like a really stupid thing to blog about but anything that makes me happy lately is a huge deal!
I have been so down! I just couldn't get it together. I couldn't get a handle on my house, I couldn't get a handle on my kids and I couldn't stop crying! The past two days have been much better. I don't know why but for some reason I have felt like getting up and doing my hair and making my bed and I have felt great! Last night I had a little set back but this morning I was back to being okay. I am so glad, I could not have continued the way I was going. I have decided not to do daycare this summer. It was hard because I was going to watch a very good friends kids but I just think it would be better for me if I focused on my kids alone. Claire is having a hard time and she needs my attention. So we are going to continue to be very poor and we may have to cancel our summer plans but at least we will all be together!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Game Night

Tonight Matt and I had a friend and her date over to the house to play games and hang out and it was a lot of fun! We laughed really hard and it felt great. I haven't laughed like that in months.