Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Worn Out

It is official. I am completely worn out. I think that the happenings of the last 6months have finally caught up with me. I don't think this has been the flu, I think this has been life kicking my butt. I should never have slowed down. This whole move just seems so surreal. While we were in the hotel, it seemed impossible but we made it. When we moved in, it started to feel like just an extended vacation but now the reality of it all is setting in. I know this sounds morbid and a little suicidal (don't worry, no immediate attempts) but I am starting to wonder what the point of all of this is. Not just us and this move but everything. I watch everyone around us struggle, I feel the struggle on our end both emotionally and financially and I just wonder how much longer it's all going to last. It seems so obvious that the Second Coming is getting closer and closer and I am starting to yearn for it. You are probably thinking "she's lost it!" and frankly I am starting to think that too. It's not that I'm unhappy here, I'm just here. I've never lived away from Utah and now I am somewhere completely foreign. Matt and I had this plan for ourselves or so we thought. I guess we never really talked about where we wanted to end up because we just always figured we would be where we were. We never imagined we would have to move away from everyone that we love. We thought we had a choice and in all actuality we did. We could have stayed but we were struggling on what Matt was making and all the jobs he interviewed for started lower and didn't have the insurance benefits that we have with this job. So we felt like we didn't have much choice. We really feel like we are supposed to be here but now that we are here we have no idea what it's all supposed to be about. We may never know. It is a comfort to know that we have done what the Lord has asked of us but man it's hard to feel like the trials are starting all over again. We thought getting here would be the bulk of the burden but now that we are here we just don't know how to start a new life. It helps to have the Church to lean on but our ward is just so huge that I am overwhelmed. I have been called to the Activities Committee and I am hoping that it will be the push that I need to start meeting people. Well it's not meeting people that I need help with, I can meet people really easily. It's just that I need to find some really good friends here. I had so many awesome friends in Tooele, it just doesn't seem possible that I can do that again but I know I felt overwhelmed when we moved there too. The difference between here and there is that in Tooele when I was overwhelmed and lonely I had a familiar place to go. I could go "home" to SLC where everything was as it had always been. I could go to my mom's house or have my sister come out to watch a movie. Here, if we leave home we are lost in a very unfamiliar and overwhelming new world. I know it will get better, it just doesn't seem that way right now. I just long for something familiar. We had Mandy and Mark out for Thanksgiving and it was so awesome, I want them back. Well, I guess that is enough complaining on my part.


Lynnette said...

Hang in there Aubrey. Things will get better!! I'm thinking about you :0)

Queen M said...

Aubrey I wish I could come and give you a great big hug. This IS hard and it is ok to get a little emotional about it. Take a deep breath.

I think that probably the best advise I can give is to Bloom Where you are Planted. We don't always know, or understand why we are asked to do things, but we are asked to learn from them and to make the best of it.

You, and Matt too, had the spiritual confirmation that this is what the next phase for your family was. What the Lord wanted for you guys. You are a STRONG woman, you know you are. You have a great husband and great kids. You can make anywhere your home. It just takes making up your mind to do it and then working hard each day to make it so.

I love you, and I am sorry it has been so hard. I have been right there with you. But we CAN do what we know the Lord has directed us to do for our families.

Please know that you can always call me for something familiar as you are building your new life there in Arizona. We can commiserate together.

Hang in there.