Thursday, January 1, 2009

Feeling a little better...

Well, today was a hard day but toward the end I started to fell a little better. I think there have been two things going on here. I have not felt well due to some withdrawl from a medication that I was forced to go off of during a lapse in doctors whith the move. With the physical hurt and fatigue I was dealing with our first Christmas away from the only home we ever knew. So depression came into play. I have struggled with depression from the age of 13. I think the two were just feeding and are still feeding on one another. I get to go to a new doctor this week and I am hoping that it will make things a little better. I am contacting my psychiatrist and seeing if he can get me in early to re-evaluate me. I need help. I am usually a very functional person but lately, every little "crisis" that happens in our home sends me to the deepest darkest place that is hard to come back from. My instinct to flee back to what is comfortable surfaces and it is all I can do not to jump in the car and race away from all of this. The point is that I am tired of fighting this but I am still going to fight it. I want to feel better. I don't want to be the zombie that I have been for the last two weeks. My daughter came to me tonight and asked me if I was not sick anymore. I told her that mommy may never get better but I was trying. I meant physically and mentally. She was sad and said that she wanted me to get better. I told her that when Jesus comes again I will have a perfect body. I told her that she was not sick and that is what is important. I told her that she will have to do some of the fun things for me but I will always be wanting to and be there to watch her. Anyway, enough rambling but I have been hiding this for too long. I have been trying to pretend that I was okay but I am not. I am a wreck but I want to get better. So although I don't make resolutions for the new year, I have hope that this new year I will continue to want to get better, physically and emotionally.

1 comment:

The Mirci Family said...

Hey what a surprize you finding me! How did you by the way?
I feel for you on this one. I have struggled with some of the same things my whole life. My hubby had a set back in school this last year and it litterally gave me a mid-life crisis! My mom had to come out to get me back on my feet even! I'm still not back to where I want to be and where I know I can be, but I will! If not for me, but then for my kids. They at least deserve that! Take Care and keep your head up!
PS. You are so cute ;) where are you located at now?