Friday, August 14, 2009
Desperation is not motivation, it's just life kicking you in the ass.
As I sit here listening to my 4 year old screaming I realize that the sound has not stopped in almost 12 hours. The chaos that consumes us today is not that different from every other day, the only difference now is that the house is a hopeless mess. I attempted to clean the one room that was my goal for the day and believe it or not I couldn't even accomplish that. I am angry and unfortunately being angry and desperate does not prove for much motivation. I have decided that the God's must be crazy just as the movie indicates. I have decided that my part in this little chess game of life is one big joke. Someone, somewhere is getting quite a laugh about our situation and that pisses me off. I cannot believe how wrong I have been about everything this last year. I felt so strongly that the Lord was leading us to Arizona but I know now that someone was just leading us to our demise. There were so many miracles in the beginning but there has been so much heartbreak along the way. Today I started cleaning out the house out so that we can show it if we indeed decide to move back. We have a friend that we could live with until Matt finds a job there. We will just see. All I know is that I am finding it harder and harder to make friends and harder and harder to just breathe in and out.