Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Day 4 and Surviving!

Five long years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. This is a cruel and selfish disease. It robs you of most everything you hold dear. It robs you of time with your children. You watch them play from the couch and feel shame as they ask you to come play with them. You explain to them that mommy hurts and cry quietly while life goes on around you. Fibromyalgia is wide spread body pain that at times can be so deeply painful that it's hard not to want to make it all end. There have been times of great sorrow and depression for me. There have been times that I knew I could not last another moment with this pain but there have Los been great moments of relief. 3 years ago in Arizona my doctor prescribed what seemed to be the answer. They put me on fentanyl patches. They are a 72 hour patch that you wear on your skin and for once in a very long time I was pain free. I remember the first morning waking up with the patch. I got right out of bed and installed into the kitchen without limping down the hallway. I was not stiff or sore, there was not shooting pain in my legs or back and as I told Matt that I didn't hurt he began to cry. He had seen what this disease had done to me. Fentanyl is an opioid medication so it is pretty heavy duty but it did what it was designed to do and I felt "normal" again. This past year living in Utah we have had a great trial. Someone has decided that they too would like t be on fentanyl and my patches have been disappearing. We have our ideas about who it might be and although I am angry I am more hurt because it must be someone who knows me well and knows the pain I endure without them. So once again an entire box of patches has gone missing and I have made the decision that I am going to manage this disease without narcotics of any kind. It has been hard and for days now I have felt the effects of the narcotics leaving my system. It is going to be a long hard road but I know that I can do it. It will not be painless like it was but it will be worth it. We are on day 4 and this morning I was not groggy as I got out of bed. I was stiff but I pushed past it and by 9:30am I was dressed, had fed the kids, swept the kitchen and watered the dry spots in our lawn. I am going to have to pace myself and I am going to have to limit what I can do from day to day. I am going to have to rely on priesthood blessings to get me through the hard days and celebrate like crazy when there are good days. I look forward to living my life narcotic free and having energy to at least go outside and watch my kids play even if I join in.

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