Thursday, January 3, 2013

Old Ghosts

I'm at the University of Utah hospital with a friend who is sick and there are so many memories, so many old ghosts. As we were in triage a call came in that was so similar to Matt's situation and immediately my heart began to race and there was so much anxiety. Sitting here I have watched paramedics come and go and I wonder what it must have been like when they brought him in. He was intubated and totally non-responsive. I wish so badly that I was with him through that, I wish I had been able to ride in the helicopter with him but I look back and realize that it would have made things so much worse for me. The ride to the hospital for me is a blur. I remember walking to my father-in-laws car and seeing them load him into the helicopter. The nurse waved as she walked away from the helicopter. Now, ten Months later it seems so weird that she did that. Like we were friends just parting from a visit. I remember driving under the overpass that leads into Salt Lake. I was on the phone most of the time with family and friends letting them know what had happened. I think the distraction of the phone calls was good. By the time we got here he was in surgery. I was so sad that he had been here longer than I had and by himself but that didn't matter to him, he doesn't remember any if it. I'm sure there are so many posts on this blog that outline that day but there are so many days that play over and over in my head. I pray that one day the wounds won't be so tender and that the scars will not threaten to resurface. Despite the PTSD and the remodel that our family has been going through we have had tremendous blessings. We were reading in First Nephi, chapter 1 and it talked about the tender mercies of The Lord. We talked about it as a family and all I could think was how merciful The Lord had been in keeping Matt here on earth with us. I'm so thankful for the tender mercies of The Lord. We have been continually blessed. So in spite of everything that has happened we hold on to those tender mercies and wait for the day when the old ghosts don't visit quite so often.

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