Oh my goodness... I'm not even sure how to begin. You know that overwhelming feeling where your mind jumps from thought to thought as if your brain and your heart are playing leap frog? Well many of you do but I hope a good number of you don't. As someone who suffers from mental illness this is a common feeling. I leap frog through each day and some days the game is fun and child like and other days it's like losing and getting pushed in the mud. Tonight I feel muddy...
It's not an easy thing this business of living. It seems to me lately that I am doing it all wrong! There are so many things to keep track of. So many things to worry about. Am I not eating enough dinners at the table with the kids? Are they going to turn out to be heathens and crazies because mom couldn't cook enough family dinners? When is the last time they bathed? I had way too many cokes today, I am bound to be morbidly obese. I should be eating green and clean like everyone else I see on my Facebook feed. My house is a mess and because unfortunately we rent we are bound to be kicked out. My son has never potty trained at night so I must be doing something to emotionally scar him. I mean the struggle is real people! Without some Xanax this girl is a hot mess!
When did we become such a society of worrisome people? I know I have always been a worrier and that is a trait that I am sad to report I have passed down to some of my children, possibly by not cooking enough previously mentioned family dinners. I hate that I worry and I hate that I feel as though I always fall short. I know so many other people who feel this way and hate the same things about themselves so I am here to say IT'S OK... Take a deep breath... YOU ARE OK!
You are an amazing compilation of gifts and insecurities that make you amazing! For reasons I cannot explain we are taught to dislike the people that we are. Instead of being happy with what we have we are constantly bombarded with new ways to change ourselves. There are labels of every kind that we are slapped with and sent out into the world to be judged upon. I am so tired of those labels. I am so tired of falling short of everything that society and the internet and even other people I know and love expect from me. My soul is tired...Somehow I have to learn to love myself and except what I can and cannot do and refuse to fall victim to the scrutiny of others. We need to believe that we are enough. We need to believe that we are great.
This does not mean that we need NOT push to be the best version of ourselves. We should always strive for greatness. We need to accept however that some days we will be great and some days we will be good and some days we will simply be lucky to get out of bed. What matters is that we try and try and try again. Muhammad Ali once said that "Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra power it takes to win when the match is even." How many times have we been defeated down to the depths of our souls? I know I have felt that way too many times to count. I always get back up with new conviction. Perhaps this is the message behind the madness that we feel and experience, that we come back with conviction and the power to win the fight.
I wish that positivity came easy for me. I think that we are sometimes scared into being positive all of the time. Hide the negative, only tell others the positive. No one wants to hear all that negativity. Well I do... I want to hear your worst fears and the hopeless feelings that you sometimes have. I want to know and more importantly I want you to know that you are not alone! Often when we speak our insecurities and release our demons we can become anew. We can begin again. It's our way of coming into emotional Spring, where everything has new growth and new chance. Where the old insecurities of our emotional Winters die and the new found strength steps out with wobbling legs and endless potential.
This life is hard and it is filled with challenge and defeat but it is also glorious and good! Be glorious and good in all of your flaws and you will not have failed. You will have shown others that worry is something that we create to hold ourselves back from reaching for things we never knew we could have. You are beautifully flawed. Release that worry into the the air and let it rise to the heavens, where through the Atonement of a loving brother we can be healed and happy.