Sunday, May 17, 2009

Am I Speaking English???

I swear I must not be speaking English when I talk with my children. All they must hear is "blah, blah, blah...go to your room." It's as if everything ricochets off of their foreheads and blasts off into space somewhere where it is lost forever. Matt and I are so frustrated with them right now that we end up screaming at them a lot. Nora seems to be the one and ONLY sane person in this household right now. She is the happiest little thing and for that I am so grateful. We need some sunshine in our lives right now. We are slowing spinning out of control and we are grasping at whatever we can to keep ourselves steady. The only constant thing in our lives right now is the Gospel and for that I am very grateful. If we just keep doing what the Lord has asked us to do I have to have faith that he will hold us up and keep us steady. It feels like we are walking in sand but I know that the Lord will be there walking right beside us and for every step back that we take he will pull us forward. That is not to say that this Faith comes easy. It is something that has never come easy for me. Handing my life over to the Lord and saying "I will go where you want me to go dear Lord" is something that I struggle with. I have had plans and truly thought those plans were the way that our lives would go. My plans were all wrong and now it is time to let the Lord take us where he will. We have made the first step by coming here to Arizona. Now the trick is to endure all things well so that when it comes time for the reason behind all of this to be revealed we will be worthy of the blessings and the responsibilities that the Lord has in store for us. The hardest part for me is the loneliness and the feeling that I am trying to walk with 100lb weights strapped to my body. I feel like I am swimming through Jello everyday. It all seems just a little bit hazy and desperate and I would give anything for that feeling to go away. I suppose going through the motions is never a good thing but if it's all you have left in you, it's better than not doing anything at all.

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