Sunday, July 12, 2009
I am very frustrated tonight. I have been on edge in general lately due to the uncertainty of our situation. It is not easy to wait and see if you are going to have a baby or a miscarriage. I am so frustrated with the situation in our house. Claire and Ivan are struggling a lot lately and when they struggle, we all struggle. The house cleaning, meal cooking etc. is left solely up to me and I don't feel like that is fair. I am tired of the assumption that it is always my job to make sure that this house is clean and that the laundry is done and that dinner is on the table. I know that as a stay at home mom these are duties that I should perform and I don't mind doing them, it's just the ASSUMPTION that I can do it all that bothers me. For instance, this morning I got up and cleaned the house. We are not just talking dishes and picking up, We're talking shampooed carpets, mopped floors etc. Stuff that is just not easy for me to do physically. No one helped me clean up the mess that was made yesterday when I was not even here. It gets so tiring cleaning up messes that you don't make. After church, we came home and the kids went about making a mess of the house that I had just cleaned and Matt sat down in the chair to sleep. Normally this would not have bothered me but he slept all through church in the foyer on a couch with Ivan so I was pissed. There was no dinner in the crock pot and so something had to be made. It was clear that everyone assumed that I would make dinner. No one offered to help and when I asked for it, Matt got mad. We are just having a really rough time right now. He is stressed with work and I am stressed with the two older kids and worrying about whether this baby will join us or join it's siblings in heaven. Add hormones to all of this and you have one very bad situation. I feel like screaming at everyone. I feel under appreciated and overworked. I am not sure I can do everything that is expected of me. How do I carry this whole family on my shoulders? This day has made me very sad. I feel like giving up. At this point I truly am a Desperate Housewife, I just don't look as good as they do.