Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Letting Someone Down Can Literally Break Your Heart
Today I became a failure. Today my heart broke. Today I let down a good friend. Today I wished I was someone else, somewhere else doing something else. Since taking in 5 foster children that belong to a friend of mine, I have known more happiness, more heartache and more tired that I have ever felt before. Tonight the heartache got the better of me. I have felt for a few days now that I could not handle one of the children that we were caring for and so today he was placed in another foster home. I had talked to him and let him know that if he could not stop being physically violent with the other children and could not respect others in this house that we would have to find somewhere else for him to live. I don't think he believed that it would really happen. He is such a good kid and has just been dealt a really rotten hand in life but I was not able to help him and I had to protect the other children in this house so I had him removed. The hard part is facing his mother who is a good friend of mine and knowing that I have let her down. I cried all afternoon and although I tried so hard to be strong when he left I could not help but shed tears. He came to me minutes before he was leaving and asked if there was anything he could do to stay. I hugged him and told him I loved him and I was sorry I could not do more for him and that he would have to leave. It was the first time I have ever seen him cry. It broke my heart that I had to stand firm on my decision to have him removed. Now I am feeling like a very bad person. What makes it even harder is that the mother of these kids is staying with us with the approval of CPS and now there is a distance between us that will never be closed. Our friendship will never be the same and so I tip-toe around my house feeling like I have torn out her heart and stomped on it. I feel like a failure even though I have been successful in taking care of the other 4 children that we placed in our home. It does not matter that I can successfully provide love and support and take care of 8 children, all I can think about is the one that I let down. The story of the Savior and the ninety and nine sheep now means so much more to me. I hope that this little lost boy can find his way home, wherever that may be and I hope that some day he can forgive me for not being able to do more for him. Most of all, I hope that someday he believes that I love him very much and always will.