Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Spending Time With The Lord
This past week has been such a struggle for me. Well, for all of us here at the house. Since returning from Utah it has been clearer than ever that it is time for us to move back. For days now I have been at maximum anxiety levels about trying to show and sell this house. I don't even know where to start or what to do. I can't show it soon because if Matt is having surgery he is going to need a clean and quiet place to recover. I also don't have the money or the energy to fix the things that need to be fixed in order to sell this place. Today is the first day I have felt like I am back home. Even though I have been here for over a week now, it was the first day that I was able to walk the square footage of my house without seeing everything that needed to be packed and everything that needed to be fixed. Today is the first time I feel like I am not a stranger in someone Else's space. I spent the day cleaning and organizing, not so that we can pack and move but so that we can be clean and organized. I believe what changed things for me was reading my scriptures last night. I have not read my scriptures in ages. I know that right now I am lost and the only thing that is going to get me and my family through all of this is the Lord. For the next little while I am going to have to carry this family on my own. It is time for my husband not to carry any of the load so that he can just get better. So far I have not done well at carrying this family. I have been a wreck. I believe however that the Lord will help me carry us through. He will help me to know what actions to take next. He will help me to know when it is time to pack the house. He will help me to know how we are going to get from here to Utah when it is time. He will help me to know how to prepare my children and myself for the surgeries that my husband may have to undergo. To be honest I am completely terrified but I know it will be okay. I have the voices of so many people in the back of my mind telling me what I should be doing that it is hard to hear the Lord. Every piece of advice and instruction from every person who "thinks" they know what is best for us is running on a loop inside of my head and I am tired. Tonight I asked Matt if we could go to Walgreen's together as a family and ride in the van because at 10:00pm last night I vacuumed and shampooed it and I wanted us to enjoy it. He wanted to stay home with the kids. I was really hurt by this. I know it sounds stupid but I felt like I am dealing with so much alone that going to the pharmacy alone was something I just didn't want to do. I am grateful that I went alone however because during that ride to the pharmacy the Lord and I had some time together. On the way home I was searching for a CD I could sing along to as singing at the top of my lungs helps me a lot. There was a CD in the car that did not have a label on it and so I popped it in. It was a CD of the bell choir that my mom had been in years ago. The bells rang out loud and clear the tune to "Come thou Fount of Every Blessing". The tears began to stream down my face. The music touched my heart and I knew that it was the Lord saying a quick "hello" and letting me know that he was around. I sobbed on the way home as I sang the words to myself:
Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.
These are only two of the verses but today they are what I needed to hear. I needed to know that just as I was seeking the Lord's help, he is seeking me. My heart has been incomplete for such a long time but tonight I feel that there is hope in mending it. It is going to take a lot of time and a lot of help from the Lord and others an a LOT of crying but I believe that one day soon I can be whole again. I have hope that the trials and literal hell that our little family has endured these past two years has some divine meaning. I have hope that we can be encircled by the arms of our savior and be mindful of his presence in our home, wherever that may be. It is time for us once again to walk together rather than side by side and be a united family and I believe that this is what the Lord has in store for us.