Wednesday, August 18, 2010
This Side of Things
Last night Matt and I lay silently in bed lost in our own thoughts. When we finally did speak we were thinking the same thing. We were worrying about what the future holds in store for us. For the first time I was worried about the upcoming surgery he is going to have. So far we have been relieved that he was going to have it because it will improve things for him a lot. His head will stop spinning, there will be no more pressure and headaches and (crossing our fingers) his depression will improve. I am still grateful that these changes will take place but last night the reality of it all hit me. It has been so hard watching him shut down over the last 2 years and even more so after June 8, the day of his accident. I laid and watched him fall asleep wondering what the accident might have been like for him. Was he scared? What was he feeling as he skidded down the road. I imagine it must have been terrifying but even more I imagine it must have been a lonely experience. As glad as I am that I didn't see the accident I wish I could have been there as they loaded him into the ambulance. What if he hadn't made it. What if he would have died in the arms of a stranger. All of this got me thinking about what would have happened if things had gone differently and he hadn't made it. Where would we have gone, what would we have done. This family will not work without him. I know we would have gone back to Tooele immediately. I don't even think I would have stayed to pack up the house, we would have just taken care of the details and headed for Tooele, for home. He would need to be home. How morbid is all of this? I don't know why but it all played out in my head and then I thought "what if..." What if the surgery doesn't go as planned. Matt is so worn down physically and emotionally right now that I don't know how he is going to deal with what is to come. I wish I could take it on for him. If I could go through the surgery for him I would. I never realized how hard it is to be the one on this side of things. The one that watches the one you love hurting. I have been on the other side of it. I have been the one wheeled into the operating room for a major procedure and so that part of it would be easy for me. I have not been the one on the other side of those double doors wishing I could be in there holding his hand. I have not been the one to count down the minutes until I could be with him again. I am scared to be on this side of things. I don't want to be alone on this side of things. I need someone to hold my hand through all of this, I just don't know how strong I can be. The Lord has blessed us with so much and I know he will continue to bless us. I know that fear is Satan's way of making us feel weak and so for that reason I will be strong. I will hold this family together but I will not do it without admitting that I am scared.