Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Memory That Cannot Be Erased

I have started this post a hundred times in my mind. I was hoping it would be something moving, something great but in the end the only way I can start this post is with all honesty. I have always been a person of doubt. Faith has never been something I was good at or even fully understood. To me, people who possessed faith were those whom I had nothing in common with. I was never one to accept things the way they were. This in turn made me a very complex and difficult person. I am still a very complex and difficult person and some people love me in spite of this. Tonight I had a temple recommend interview with a member of the stake presidency. Before the interview he asked me what had brought us to Arizona. I thought about this for a moment and told him that my husband had been transferred here from Utah with his job but that ultimately it had been the Lord that had brought us here. We talked for a few moments about various things and then he asked the big question, how was my family doing? I have learned that this question is not an easy one to answer. One minute we are fine and one minute we are not but we always end back where we started at...fine. I did explain our situation to him. I explained that we were struggling here in Arizona right along side almost everyone else. I explained my desire to go back home to spend the remainder of Matt's lucid days where we began our family. I don't know why that seems so important to me but it seems only appropriate given our situation to end up back where we started. It has become a pattern with us. I have come to terms with what will most likely happen to my husband and I explained to this man that although I still had very rough days I knew that we would be alright. He in turn told me that I had great faith. Is that what faith is? Have I been missing the point all along? Is faith merely the willingness to accept what is happening to us and in turn seek comfort from the Lord? That is exactly what I have been doing. People are always quick to tell me that there are miracles all the time and that we should not worry about what "might" happen. I get so tired of hearing that. It is not that I don't believe in miracles or that I am ungrateful for their support. It is merely the fact that we have already seen great miracles. I feel as though they are not only trying to reassure me but themselves as well. I know that the Lord works miracles, I have seen too many in my short time here on the earth to believe otherwise. I will be so relieved if Matthew continues on healthy and happy with only the little memory loss that he is showing now but I will not feel cheated if what the doctor told us comes to be. Friends tell me that I need to keep going, to keep having faith and believe in miracles. I do. Just because I do not expect a miraculous healing for my husband does not mean that I doubt the Lord. It means that I am already amazed at the miracles we have seen and I feel selfish to ask for more than that. It means that I have sought and found comfort from my Father in Heaven no matter what happens to us. I wonder if people expect me to be angry at God. Have I been angry about all of this? Absolutely. Have I cried and thrown furniture and dishes? Yes and it felt great to get that anger out but that anger was never directed at God. I do not believe that God had "done" anything to us. I do not believe that he has brought a plague upon us. I believe that God allows us trials and this just happens to be our trial. Does it seem unfair? At times yes but no more unfair than the loss of a child to a tragic accident or the loss of a mother to cancer. No more than the trials of most of the people we know. No more unfair, just different. It is exhausting to have to reassure those around me that my faith and love for God has not been tested but rather increased. It has been uplifting and comforting to bare my testimony to those people however and I know that by doing this it has been strengthened. In the past the words "we will be okay" are one's I would have said because they were expected but right now, in this moment I mean them. I don't know how we will be okay. I don't know how we will manage but I have been given a tremendous amount of comfort from the Lord and I simply know that we will be okay. Is it possible that I have had the faith I needed all along? Is it possible that for me, faith is as simple as accepting what might happen and not questioning why? It seems that this trial, this change in our lives has opened new doors to what my mind and heart can understand. I will not claim to be happy with the lot that has been placed before us. I would like to see things be different but I have come to terms with the alternative. I will have my black cloud days when my tears are unceasing but I will also have the days where the sun shines through. I am thankful to the Lord for providing me the comfort that I need. I am not angry at the Lord, I do not believe that Satan is trying to ruin my family, I believe that just like everyone else we have been handed a trial and we are going to be held accountable for how we deal with this trial. I would like to stand before my savior and have him know that I did the best job I could with what trials I was given. I do not want credit for the ways in which I do or do not handle these trials, I simply want understanding if I fall short. Even now as I lay in bed alone because my husband is once again too tired to climb the stairs to our bed I am not angry. I miss the way things were and I hurt because he hurts but I am not angry. The truth is there is no one to be angry at. It is said that Love conquers all and I believe that the love that my Savior and my husband have shown me over the years has been a key to keeping me standing through this storm. Even if my husband cannot remember me at the end of the day, I know that he will never stop loving me. We are eternally bound by covenants with God and that is a memory that cannot be erased.


Queen M said...

Love you Aubrey.

The Warner Corner said...

Amazing post. I love you.

Emily said...

Aubrey, that was beautiful. Your words are so full of feeling and emotion. Thank you for this beautiful reminder of what faith really is.

Thinking of you.