Sunday, October 10, 2010

Will He Remember?

The last two days have been hard ones for me. I did so well last week. I felt so much better than usual but the last two days have been filled with tears. I think it's going to be like that for a while. We will have good days and we will have bad days and you know what??? It's okay. Today I have been thinking so much about my relationship with Matt. I have been so blessed to marry my best friend. When I have news, good or bad he is the first person I want to share it with. I plan my days around his breaks so that we can talk on the phone. Usually we don't have much to say but just hearing his voice is enough. I am hoping and praying that when/if all of this happens somewhere deep down inside he will remember me. I am hoping that I will be the one thing that he can hold on to so that the world is not a lonely place for him or me. I watch him everyday and worry. I try not to be overprotective but everytime his memory fails him I think, "oh my gosh is this it?" I have noticed that he has been having more and more trouble with his memory. It is just little things and so I am not too worried but I do live in fear that it will progress faster than I can adapt. I have so much to do before he can leave us. How does one prepare for something like this??? I am more thankful now than ever for the plan of salvation and my relationship with my savior. I know that it is him that is going to get us through what is to come. The truth is I am trying to remain positive but I am also being realistic. I am terrified. I will not pretend otherwise but just like every other trial I have faced in my life, I will take it one day at a time. I just wish I knew what to expect. I wish I knew what our lives are going to look like 10 years down the road. I want to know if he will be able to dress himself or feed himself. Matt has always been so strong, he has been my rock and I just can't see those roles being reversed. Today I took the kids to church and Matt came a little later. I had a hard time keeping the kids under control and all I could think is "I am not ready to do this on my own." How am I supposed to take care of 4 children alone? Mostly I am just afraid to lose my best friend. I get angry sometimes but there is no one to be angry at. I lay next to him in bed and talk to him and wonder how much longer will we be able to be like this? How much longer will he remember who I am? I just need him to remember me. If nothing else, just me and together we will make the rest work.


The Warner Corner said...

I love you guys.

garffdog said...

I can try to make you mad at me every day so that you won't miss my so much...who am I kidding, I don't try to make you mad. Unfortunately it just comes naturally to me. I LOVE YOU! I need you to remember that!