Monday, November 8, 2010
Tonight Matt and I were given the greatest gift from some of our greatest friends. They arranged for Matt and I to have a night away at a hotel. They are going to take the kids overnight for us and we can just be alone and enjoy each other. I don't know if these friends will ever realize what a special gift this is. The last time that Matt and I spent time alone was in the ICU at St. Joseph's hospital. I am so excited to have this time with him. I am so excited to spend time alone with him watching movies and relaxing instead of watching monitors and praying the pressure in his head would stay below 20. Those were some of the scarriest moments of my life. He is doing so much better now and what a way to celebrate his ongoing recovery. I am hoping that my emotional recovery from all of this will continue. So far I have been blessed with a tremendous amount of strength and comfort but I can feel myself struggling. I haven't been able to face the nights at our house since we came home from the hospital. I have a horrible time going to sleep. I am so afraid of the silence that falls over the house when everyone is sleeping. I cannot control the thoughts that creep in when all is quiet. It is at these times that I turn to God in prayer asking for comfort. I know it sounds silly but I lie awake listening to Matt and with every sound he makes my heart pounds with the fear that something may go wrong. Is it positive to have post traumatic syndrome when something like this happens? If so I'm pretty sure I've got it. I have had many good days and I am so thankful for them. I do wish I could spend these days with Matt. It is a desperate feeling to watch him leave for work knowing that he does not feel well. I have kept my days very busy lately so that I don't have time to be sad and for the most part it works. Today I took Nora and Naomi shopping after we dropped Ivan at school and it took so much self control not to just drive to Matt's work. I must have called him 10 or more times just to hear his voice. I just miss him so much when we aren't together. I have always loved my husband but I did not know that I was capable of loving someone this much. I pray everyday that we will be given more time but the truth is there will never be enough time here on Earth. I am so thankful for the knowledge that he and I are eternally bound. The sands of time may run dry for us in this life but there is an eternity of happiness waiting for us. What a blessing this is. It is true there are days when eternity seems so far away but we are building that eternity right now and I am so thankful to be building it with my best friend.