Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Who Will Clean Up The Mess?

Stress is a body's reaction to a situation that requires the need for change or adjustment. Stress can manifest itself in emotional, physical and mental symptoms. Stress can be a healthy response to an unhealthy situation. What happens when stress has no end? What happens when one stressful situation turns into another which in essence turns into another and it has no break in between? That is what I like to call overload. What can overload do to a person? Look at me, I am a living example of human overload. At what point can the human body, mind and soul no longer handle the overload and merely settles into a state of shock. I am waiting for that to happen. I just keep thinking that at some point these emotions that I am feeling are going to be too much to bear and I will simply withdraw into a state of shock. It doesn't seem to be happening. I do not feel that my body is welded together with enough strength to withstand the force of stress that is building inside. I feel the stress and the overload chipping away from the inside. I feel the pressure expanding within me and in a way I wish that I could just withdraw, say "to hell with it all" and give up. Giving up seems like such a wonderful alternative right now. I know that most of you are probably tired of hearing me ramble on and on day after day about how hard things are and if that is the case I can hardly blame you I will simply invite you to stop reading my blog. With that said, I need help. I need so much help I don't even know where to start asking for help. The smallest problems or tasks seem to add weight to my burdens that I just simply cannot bear. I spend my days smiling and doing my best to make it through. I use humor to try and make myself and everyone around me feel like what I am dealing with is okay and the truth is, it's not working. We recently filed Bankruptcy. Certain people I know would be horrified to know that I am telling you all this, that I am letting it out in the open but the truth is, life is tough and it's my business to share it with whom I choose. We had our trustee hearing this last week and all went really well. There is only one more matter of business and then all is discharged and we can breathe a huge sigh of relief. The problem is that this one matter of business has turned into a grandiose problem because someone did not do their job right. Some person who is paid far too little to do a job that they hate made a mistake that could be catastrophic to our situation. When Matt had his accident this last June his father came to our rescue and sold us a car. He was listed as the lien holder on the title because we have been paying him what little money we can here and there. When my husband went to register the vehicle here in AZ they issued a new title without my father in law on the title as a lien holder. The trustee in our bankruptcy wants to see a copy of the title with my father in law as the lien holder. Well, no problem right? I simply go to the MVD and have them issue a new title with my father in law as the lien holder and all is well...I wish it were that easy. There is one tiny catch. We bought the vehicle in June and that is when the new title was issued. If I get another title issued tomorrow and they will not list June 12 as the date the lien was incurred, all of the money that we have paid to my father in law for this car so far can be ordered back to the trustee. We are not talking a small amount of money either, we are talking thousands. It is ridiculous to me that something as simple as a date on a piece of paper can determine such a huge outcome for our family. I am so overwhelmed that I feel as if I could cry for days and it just wouldn't be enough. Nothing physical has ever hurt as bad as my heart has hurt these last 5 months. This is a very depressing post I know and I promise that they will not all be like this but I had to get this out. The saddest part about this whole thing is that I wanted someone to call and cry to. I wanted someone to call and ask for help but I find that I am that person for most other people and so when the time came for me to lean on someone else there was no one there. This is my problem and mine alone. Even my husband gets to go to work while I throw myself at the mercy of the MVD and we all know how cooperative they can be. I just can't handle anymore responsibility, stress and above all overload. I want somehow for it all to stop. Perhaps the fairy tales have it all right. Perhaps being locked in a tower asleep for one hundred years isn't such a bad idea at all. Right now it seems like such a wonderful alternative to dealing with life's "little" problems. I just wonder when enough will be enough. I wonder at what point I will explode into a thousand pieces and just who will clean up that mess when I am not around to do it?


The Warner Corner said...

I am so sorry! I pray all goes well and that things work out financially. I love you and think of you often. Can you message me your phone number pretty please?

Candice said...

I am so sorry Aubrey. I am dealing with my own issues but luckily my issues leave me home all day everyday, if you need to talk I will email you my phone number.