Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Family God Has Given Me

Today was a remarkably better day compared to those of last week. Lately Saturdays have been a hard and trying day for me but with the help of my wonderful husband, Xanax, a nap and a few cokes, my day was okay. I have been having a very hard time being the mom lately. As if being a mother is not stressful enough, you add the current events of our lives and you have one hot mess. I love my children. My children are an absolute in my life that I cannot be without. I feel however that I am not doing any justice to the title of motherhood. The children sense the stress in our lives, I am sure of it. They are pushing all of the right buttons at just the right rimes and I feel that it is no coincidence. You would think that as their mother I would understand this and find a way to help them find some sense of normal but instead I become angry. I feel betrayed by their lack of understanding of the situation which is ridiculous. They are far too young and thankfully too innocent to understand the hardships that life can bring us. I just don't want to be their hardship. I want so much to make a positive imprint on their lives and I don't feel that my actions of late have been in any way positive. I am so thankful for the concept of repentance. I am thankful that it can be applied in every aspect of our lives. There are many days when I feel like I have fallen short of being the righteous wife and mother I should be. I am so thankful that on those days I can use the steps of repentance to find my way back to my Heavenly Father and find my way back into the good graces of my family. I have an amazing husband and phenomenal children who forgive me for my weaknesses and strive to help me find my way back to happiness when it is lost to me. It is amazing to me that my children can come to me with a hug and an "I love you mom" only moments after I have lost my temper with them. It is amazing to me that my husband knows just what to do with the children when I lose my temper. He calmly shepherds them into cleaning the mess that has driven me over the edge. He sweetly reads them a story to calm them down when they are throwing a fit that I do not have the patience to deal with. The concept of forgiveness and love in itself is amazing. I hope and pray that I can teach my children forgiveness and show them enough love that they will be willing to forgive me when I fall short. God has blessed me with an amazing family and with everything that has happened with our little family in the last two and a half years I realize more and more why God placed us together. Matt and I couldn't be better matched. He is my best friend. He makes me smile when it feels like there is nothing worth smiling about. Claire is so independent. There have been so many times during these hard times that she has taken upon herself to pick up my slack. Simple things like washing her sisters hair or making toast for her brother have been things she does without complaint. They are simple tasks that at times seem insurmountable to me and she can sense that. She and I struggle to get along but I love her fiercly and pray that she can feel that. Ivan has an enthusiasm that amazes me. He is determined and his will is strong. It is these qualities that sometimes drive me crazy but I am so thankful for them. I am greatful for the enthusiasm he has for playing with the baby when I just need a break. I am so thankful for his prayers at dinner time asking Heavenly Father to help him and his sisters to be good, his daddy to get better and his mommy to be nice. I know God hears his prayers. I am so thankful for the comic relief that Nora brings to our family. Her laugh is amazing, it has a melody all it's own, it makes me laugh. Laughing is not something I do too often anymore. I love the silly things she says from time to time that remind me of her innocence. She is a joy to me. Naomi...there is such a soft place in my heart for Naomi Grace. She is my miracle. She is such a happy child. During this time of sorrow and uncertainty for our family, Naomi is a constant source of wonderment. She truly is like her name, a testament to Gods grace. I hope to live to be worthy of the family that God has given me. I will continue to strive to be better for them and I know with Gods help I can be worthy of the blessing they are to me.

1 comment:

Mary said...

You sound a lot better. I am glad to hear you sound positive. But don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure your children will understand. And they will love you even more for it.