Thursday, November 4, 2010
Where Do I Go From Here?
I think I am officially losing what little sanity I have left. I have done so well so far. There have been minimal breakdowns and more good days than bad but I am starting to wonder if that is really the best thing for me right now. I have moved forward, keeping myself so busy in an attempt to distract myself from what feelings lie deep within and I am afraid that they ate starting to surface. Tonight I did a bad thing. I screamed and yelled at my 6 year old daughter because the upstairs was covered in toys. I completely blew up and immediately felt horrible. The worst part is that when I went to apologize she had already fallen asleep. I am not being the best mother I can be right now. I am struggling so bad and until now I have hid it fairly well from everyone except those closest to me. I don't think I can hide it anymore. I am so angry. What makes it even worse is that there Is no one to be angry at! This is no ones fault. I am overwhelmed and I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to admit that I can't do it by myself anymore. Now that Matt is not feeling well, I am facing a whole new set of challenges. I am now trying to clean a house on my own, I am trying to juggle four kids on my own. I am fighting with insurance companies on my own and I don't even have the energy to get dressed most days. I think I really need to go to therapy but what am I supposed to say? That I am angry that life has gone from bad to worse in the last 2 years? That I am angry that most nights I fall asleep alone in my bed because my husband cannot get up the stairs to our bedroom? That I am angry that I don't have more patience for my children and that I feel like I have already done irreperable damage to them? That I am angry that my family has not come to see me since all of this happened? That I am angry that I can't make things better for my husband and children? The list goes on and on. I have been avoiding the anger phase thinking I was doing something healthy, something positive but I realize now that I have merely been hiding my feelings. I am starting to feel the anger and it scares me. I am not quite sure what to do with it. I feel like I am letting everyone down if I succumb to this anger but I also feel like it is the only option. I feel as If I will fall apart if I dont let go of the idea of how I should react and instead allow myself to feel what is really going on inside of me. I think we have reached a point where therapy is inevidable. I just wish someone could be in charge for a while and I could just sleep the pain away. Suddenly I just can't seem to find the bright side anymore. Where do I go from here?