Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A Lifetime of Smiles Lost

Once again Matt was in the hospital for several days. He was able to come home on Sunday. It was a crazy weekend. Claire had her 7th birthday party and he was not there. He was sad about it but he probably would have hated it, it was 14 girls in one house. He is doing much better and home now and hopefully will not have to go back. Despite the hard weekend things around here weren't too bad. I have decided however that it is getting harder and harder to deal. I just don't feel like doing anything. I've been hurt by people closest to me and I have decided that I just can't care anymore. I can't keep trying to be friends with people who just don't want to be friends with me, wether we are "related" or not. I am so thankful for the family that I have chosen. I Guess depression has gotten the best of me lately because I just don't care anymore. I just keep trying to make things better and it seems like the more I try the harder they get (Just in case you weren't aware, this is me throwing a pity party). I have often wondered how much heartache one can endure before it get's the better of you and I beleive that I am going to find that limit very soon. I am so tired of having the same fights over and over, I am so tired of being treated like I don't matter by the very people that should love me the most. I am so tired of being invisible. It's as if I am not a real person to some. It's as if I am expected not to have feelings. What they don't understand is that it has been years and years of heartbreak and I just keep taking it. Well I can't take it anymore. I just can't. You can only walk the same path for so long without getting anywhere before you must choose another path. There is a person inside of me, somewhere hidden inside that thinks to herself that leaving wouldn't be that hard. Leaving those people who don't appreciate me far behind. There is a longing to take my little family and disappear. I have come to some very hard but necessary conclusions lately and although they are not one's I would have liked to have to make, I know that in the end they will make me a happier, healthier person. I will no longer strive for the approval of those who neither uplift nor respect me. I will no longer pretend that it does not hurt when I am lied to, talked about or put down (you know who you are people). I have been presented the ultimate example of what family should be. I have met a family that in their own words "sometimes want to kill each other but would always kill for each other" and it is amazing to see the way they interact. They always want to be together. They are best friends. I am thankful that they have taken us in because I can no longer try to belong to my husbands family. I can no longer look upon the rejection I have been shown and pretend it doesn't hurt. I am thankful for a father in law and a mother in law that have shown unconditional love and respect for me but the rest of them unfortunately will miss out on a lifetime of smiles from my little family.

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