Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Can't Find My Niche

I'm not sure if today is a blogging sort of day but I am itching to write and so here it goes. Today has been long. I have not felt well this week, fibromyalgia has gotten the better of me but some days are better than others and I am thankful for that. The kids are playing outside (which is so odd to me because it's December) and I have a moment to myself which can be a dangerous thing. For reasons I cannot understand I have not wanted Matt to go to work this week. I have been afraid to face the days without him. It's not as if I want him here to do anything or take care of anything in particular, I just want his company. Matt has not been sleeping well lately, his arms are numb and tingling the majority of the time and it keeps him awake. Last night I felt so guilty for being able to sleep because he was up. I never realized that I would worry about him so much. He probably hates it but I am definitely the "mothering" type. His hours at work have changed which makes life around here seem a little more lonely. He is gone an extra hour into the evening and I hate it. Without him here I feel as though I don't fit. I have to change that, especially given our circumstances. This afternoon has been rough for me. I have watched the world going on around me from my front room window and for some reason I don't feel like a part of it. I think the term I am looking for is lonely. Today I feel lonely. I am sure the vast majority of my readers are thinking "again?" and the answer is yes, again. I'm not sure what to do to make this lonely feeling go away. Two weeks ago my solution was to leave the house, run as far away from it as I could but I always came back to lonely. I have determined that the loneliness is probably coming from within and leaving the house was merely a distraction from what I was carrying around inside. Living here has been such a change from living in Utah. In Utah I was needed. I had friends that needed me as much as I needed them and as exhausting as it was to be there for everyone all of the time, it fulfilled some dysfunctional need inside of me. Living here has been awkward and different. People seem to already have what they need in others or they have family nearby. I guess I just haven't found my niche yet and I am ready to find it. I am ready to find the place where I belong. That place will have to be discovered within long before I can feel accepted by the others around me. I just don't understand why being happy with one's self is so trying.

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