Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Lies I Tell Myself

Do you ever just wish that things could be silent inside your head? I do. I spend a large majority of my time trying to silence the static within me. Tonight the static has been replaced by the "I'm so tired" thoughts. I'm so tired of it all. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of listening to the lies I tell myself. I'm tired of feeling like I'm on my own. Matt's dad, Step-Mom and sister came down from Utah on Friday. It has been nice to have them here. Matt did really well on Saturday and honestly I bet they were thinking we were crazy with all this talk of adema, kidney failure, congestive heart failure, shunt nephritis, spinal stenosis, etc.
If they were thinking that then their thoughts were most likely suprized today when the symtoms reared their ugly heads today. All day long they have been concerned about the swelling in Matt's legs and hands. They have been suprized about his lack of energy and profuse sweating. They have commented on the puffiness in his face and the slurring of his speech. They didn't realize how bad things have gotten. What's hard for me is that I see these things everyday and I have told people about the symptoms and how terrified I am when they show up but they don't realize what we live with. I can often find the good in our situation, I try very often to count our blessings but tonight I am just overwhelmed by the illness that has taken so much from us.


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Just browsing blogs and read this - *mental hug*. I'm so sorry for what you're going through and wish you and your husband the best of luck.