Monday, August 15, 2011

All The Wrong Things?

It's hard to believe that it is only Monday. Now that I am not working the days seem to blend together but that is a good thing because I am busy with my kids. I am so thankful to be home with them again. The pit in my stomach that has been there from the first day I left them to go to work until now is gone and although being home with them is exponentially harder than being at work, it is what I need right now. I opened a letter on Saturday from the State of Utah congratulating me on an interview for a job I had applied for and really hoped to get. I had applied some time ago when I thought I had a handle on things. When I thought I could be that person I was trying so hard to be. When I thought that working and being away from my children was something I could handle. It is a position in the Executive Directors office which would be "awesome on my resume" (I kept telling myself) and today I called the office and gracefully (I think) turned it down. I was torn over the weekend about whether or not this was the right thing to do. Logically I knew that it would be the best step I could make toward a career with the State of Utah which would help support us when (and I guess I should say) if I need to support us but in my heart I felt it was a step further from my family and my children. I enjoyed working and hope that someday I can go back to a similar job, perhaps even the same department if they will have me but it is not right for us right now. I have felt this gap begin to grow between my children and I and even Matt and I ever since we got here. I think a large part of that feeling came from the wall that I was beginning to build around myself. I was isolating myself because it hurt so much to be away from my children. I had even stopped calling them at all throughout the day because hearing their little voices broke my heart and I hated crying at work. In the last 2 weeks I have turned down 2 jobs with the state and I know there are people that are disappointed and some that are even thinking that I have done the wrong thing. I have even wondered if perhaps I have done the wrong thing. Maybe the Lord was putting these opportunities in front of me but I think if it was his plan for me I would not have felt so sick about it. I would have felt excitement but instead all I felt was panic and fear. I have loved the last week I have been here with the kids. I wasn't here to help them make the adjustment to being here but I am here now to help them make the adjustment to going to school. I hope I have not done all the wrong things but these children are everything to me. I never thought I could love someone so completely other than my husband but the minute my first child was born my heart grew in size and it continued to grow with each child that has entered our family. There is such a potential for loss with these trials we have been given. There is the potential of losing everything we know to be normal and "finding a new normal" like we have been is getting harder and harder to do. I feel like I need to spend as much time with these little one's as I can before I lose this time with them. I know I should be more positive, people tell me that but right now I just don't have the strength. That is why I am getting help. These little one's that we have need for me to be positive. They need something in their world to be strong and I want that something to be me. I am still looking for the right counselor. For some reason I am dragging my feet. I think the reason I pure exhaustion. I firmly believe that I could sleep for the next two weeks straight and still not be rested but I think that comes from the depression and the never ending anxiety. I really need to get a hold on things. I thought it would be so much easier here. I should have listened better when one of my best friends told me "it's just geography Aubrey." She was so right. We have awesome people here as we did there but the trials seem to keep coming. It seems that in Arizona I was better emotionally. I was forced to hold it together and when we got here and there was some room to breathe I just started hyperventilating instead. I did the one thing that I was so tired of hearing people tell me not to do, I got angry at God and I have been trying for the last 3 months to patch that relationship. I am ashamed to admit that when things go wrong the first place I go is back to that anger. I even stopped going to church when we got here because I couldn't face all of those people and I just couldn't face the feelings I was having and the anger that I had misplaced. I am doing a little better though. I have gone to church 2 weeks in a row and I have been talking myself out of my anger. I still don't understand what all of this is for. Why have we been chosen to endure these things? It is a question that will most likely go unanswered for a very long time and I suppose the important thing to remember is not why we had to endure them but how well did we endure them. I want to make my Father in Heaven proud and it will take some doing. If I could just get past the exhaustion. All in good time I guess...All in good time.

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