Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Wake Up Call
What a hard couple of days it has been for me. I can't even begin to describe the emotional pain that has gripped my heart for the last 48 hours. In truth it has been building for some time. We found out that Matt has to have more surgery which has sent me spiraling downword emotionally. I had accepted another job but daily I began having more and more panic attacks. Last night I found out that someone I had known in Arizona had taken her own life. It was such a wake up call for me. I have been having suicidal thoughts for some time now and I have waited to get help thinking that maybe I could handle it on my own. Well, I have been failing miserably. Last night I also had the last conversation I will ever had wih someone who has been one of my best friends for the last 7 years. Although I know that hurtful things were said out of anger and I know that they are not true, it still hurts. So this morning I went in to the office and quit my job. I came home and I slept the whole day. Tomorrow I am headed to find a counselor and get the help that I need. I just wish that the heartache would stop but I have a feeling that things are going to continue to be hard for a while.