Today was a really hard day. You probably already know all of this but I just needed a friend to talk to and I thought of you. I don't know what to do anymore Lord. I woke up today determined to have a good day, I really did. I took Claire to the doctor and when I tried to pay the co-pay my flex card was out of money. We have reached our maximum for the year in 2 short months. They would not see Claire without a co-pay so I had to swallow the lump in my throat that was probably pride and call my father in law to pay the co-pay. We are so blessed to have him, he didn't even hesitate before saying yes. Once we got into the office they did another x ray on Claire's knee and all I could think was "that's 40 more dollars...40 more..." What kind of mother thinks that Lord? What I should have been thinking was "I hope that she is okay, I hope she's okay." Just like they had told us at the urgent care, it is broken but it doesn't need surgery so that is a blessing. That makes 2 blessings so far Lord and I am thankful for them.
I took Claire to school and then came home and checked the mail. Let me tell you what a mistake that was. On the top was a bill from the hospital for Matt's surgery. The total was 1,900.00 Lord...that is so much money for us. I called to arrange payments and when I told them that we could pay $100 a month they laughed. She literally laughed Lord. She has no idea how humiliating that call was for me and that I was holding back tears the whole time and she laughed. I was so angry at her but I just ask that you bless her with compassion for the next person who calls with the same situation.
Next I tried to refill medication for Claire and Ivan. They have been doing a lot better ever since we started this new medication with them and that is blessing number 3. My heart hurts so much for them Lord. Every time someone makes a judgement of them my heart hurts and the tears well. People just don't understand the stress and heartache that comes with raising a child with Aspberger's and a child that is bi-polar. I feel very alone Lord. I have met other parents that are dealing with similar issues and they have so many resources to help them. So far I have hit dead end's when I try to find resources. The insurance company refuses to pay for the medication for 3 more days and it makes no sense. I got three different reasons from three different people. The woman on the phone did not understand that they cannot go without their medication Lord. She was so mechanical about all of it. These are my children we are talking about. So I have to pay out of pocket for this medication with my father in law's money.
This is just one day Lord. One day in a string of many just like it and worse. I need you Lord. I need your strength. I need some hope. I need to know that it will get better because at this point both Matt and I have given up on a miracle. We used to think it was coming Lord but our faith is disappearing. We love you Lord and want to do what makes you happy. Please help us to make you happy. Please help us to hang on.