Sunday, August 12, 2012
It's Just Too Much Sometimes
The last two days have started out extremely hard. For unknown reasons I have woken up to full blown anxiety attacks. I'm not sure why I'm having them so early in the day, they usually wait until later in the day to rear their ugly heads. The days have gone on to be good days, especially as my daycare kids begin showing up and my house fills with the sounds of laughing, screaming, smiling, giggly kids. I am grateful for them. They keep my kids and my hands busy. The world is bustling around us but here in my little world in my little house there is safety. I do not leave often and when I do it takes a lot of mental preparation. I used to go on daily adventures with my kids, we were out and about most of the time and we all loved it. My house stayed cleaner and my kids behaved better. Now it is harder for all of us because Mom has social anxiety and doesn't feel safe outside the walls of this house. I should be ok. It should be over. We should be ok. I'm not ok. It's not over. We aren't ok. I don't have the answers that people are looking for. When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't know what to tell them and so I tell them the lies that I tell myself. I tell them that we are doing ok and that things are fine. Inside I'm crying and wish I could tell them just how broken and haunted I am. These truths are selfish. God has given us more time together but I hurt. I'm drowning in memories that intrude at will. The smallest thing will trigger a memory. A sound, a smell, a song and suddenly I'm back in the hospital watching as my world blows away. These memories speak the loudest. Countless hours sitting in the dim light next to Matt's bed holding his hand and wondering if he even knows I am there. It should be enough that Matt is strong and standing in front of me but I have realized how quickly you can lose someone or how quickly your life can change course. It's a hard reality to face. In the quiet moments of the day I pray for help. I pray for peace and know that only with time it will come. These are hard things to share, the ramblings of trauma are a hard thing for others to understand. I am just grateful for these walls that protect me on the days when venturing out is just too hard. I worry about what others might think and find valid reasons for my absence. The truth is, it's just too much sometimes.