Friday, August 31, 2012


"People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their peonal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers"

I found this quote and thought "How completely perfect."  It sums up what I'm going through right now.  I wish I could just erase some of those scars, just get up and get over it.  Things look good from the outside, the house, the family, the dog, everything fits.  It's the recipe for complete happiness.  The truth is we are happy, with each other.  We have become very close as a family.  So some of those scars are battle scars and they have created an unbreakable bond between the six of us.
I try to hide a lot of the scars because people don't want to see them.  They turn their head or they are used to seeing the scars and figure we are living with them just fine. Truth is, some of the wounds are still raw.  Most days are busy and I can slap a bandaid on them but when the days get slow and time takes over with it's quiet cruelty these wounds threaten to rip open.  The thoughts are so hard to push away.  You try, you give yourself to the count of ten to let the pain in and push it away but pushing it away is like trying to hold a bursting dam in place, the water seeps from every crack and you feel it.
You think that you can handle things, you think "I've been through worse" but the truth is you are still going through the same things.  There are lasting effects from some scars that cannot be erased no matter how hard you try.
This is where you need a person.  You know, the kind of person who knows everything about you and sticks around anyway.  I had a person but that person is gone and with that absence comes another wound that will heal only with time.  Without my person, I'm lonely sometimes but it will scar over.
In the end it's just hard and some days you just have to complain because it hurts.  Sometimes you have to shout to the world "I hurt too!" 

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