Friday, September 7, 2012
"Welcome To My Silly Life" - P!nk
Today I am full. I am emotionally full and it's spilling out and so I write. Writing is so therapeutic for me. I know my posts aren't very happy a lot of the time but my posts are a direct reflection of what is happening inside me and inside our little family. So in the words of one of my favorite artists "Welcome to my silly life."
The kids are fighting today, we've been home all of thirty minutes and it's our own Vietnam in here. It's so hard on me when they fight, it fills me with anxiety and no amount of coaching, begging, praying or pleading makes them stop. I'm sure that they feel the stress that I carry and I wish there was a practical way for me to de-stress. There are so many things going on inside this soul that I am emotionally spent. There are so many things that we have been blessed with but sometimes the weight of the world smashes those blessings. The truth is I feel like nothing. I feel like my existence is non-essential. I feel like this and then I think, if I'm not here who will take care of the constant stream of stress that is flowing into our lives. We are all at maximum capacity and it just keeps coming. It's hard to put it in the Lord's hands sometimes. So often I wonder how in the world will this all be okay? It fills my mind all day everyday and at night it manifests itself in nightmares. I have to answer for so many things that are out of my control. I don't answer the phone anymore because it's a constant reminder that we are still in the land of recovery. Matt is doing really well which is the one blessings that we never lose sight of. The only problem with that is everyone sees how well he is doing and assume that we are over the hump of this trial. Truth is, we are only half way up the hill and the other side is not yet in sight. Everyday there are more bills for Matt's stay at the U of U. "Thank you for your visit!" they say, like we were on some sort of sick vacation. One of the grand totals for his stay was $187,281, how will we ever recover from something like that? This bill is more than any of the houses we have ever lived in. This is where the desperation comes in because this bill is not the only one, they flow in on that steady stream of stress. I'm am desperately clinging to anything that might make us some extra money. I make plans and the Lord sends me in a different direction. I am grateful for this guidance and I wish I had the faith to just follow without feeling so desperate. Onlookers make comments about me working full time, they somehow miss the part where raising 4 children is a full time job. I'm not going to put my children in any one's hands. I am here to bandage the wounds that they have from what has happened to our little family and anyone who thinks that they are not wounded is a fool. There was a time when I would call my person and feel like there was someone there to help carry this weight but that person is gone. So not only am I mourning the loss of everything we had built, I am mourning the loss of my closest friend who had become family to me. This is where the emotions get put away like pennies in a jar and they fill and overflow. This is where days like this come from and "it's such a tired game."